Saying "Good Bye"

This evening, Nick closed the door to the house and I drove away. I could feel the tears welling but I was not going to give into them. I got into my truck and drove away.

I took some "Victorian Funeral" pictures of the place. Why? I don't know. Maybe just to have evidence of how the "Kind Christians" really do mess up peoples' lives. Did I lose my house because I was a bad pastor? Did I lose my house because I did anything illegal? Did I lose my house because I destroyed someones marriage? NO! I was a pretty good pastor. I left under no censure. I just left because I was gay, pure and simple.

Love the sinner, hate the sin. Even if homosexuality is a sin, is it a sin worth losing ones house over?

You may say, "But you chose to leave your call, you brought this on yourself."

True, I did leave, but the situation was such, and is still such, that staying was not an option. At the time, staying would have involved either fighting the system without the support of the senior pastor, being subject to official discipline, or remain in the closet. None of these options were acceptable.

So I said "good bye" to my call. I have said, "good bye" to my home. My therapist is retiring so I have also said, "good bye" to him.

I was the last patient my therapist will ever see. I guess it is kind of an honor. I will miss him also.

I'm Getting Tired

Well, probably "We are getting tired" would be better to say.

The house is almost entirely empty and the apartment is almost entirely full. I have SO MUCH STUFF! And Nick has been wonderful in not pushing me to get rid of stuff. I have been forced to get rid of so much lately that being pushed to get rid of more would be difficult, at best. Actually, Nick always asks if I am sure I want to get rid of the various things I place in the "throw" or "sell" piles.

For me, part of the whole thing is realizing that I am not getting rid of the people or the memories, just because I am getting rid of the stuff. Yes, when I look at the stuff, I feel a sense of comfort, but it is just a passing feeling. For the most part, I don't sit there contemplating the various things, I look and then go on. So, if I get rid of the things, I really am not "losing" a lot.

Nick has been great through all of this. He has been so supportive of me throughout all of this. That has truly been a gift. This move could have been a relationship breaker, but we seem to be working through the whole thing quite well.

I want to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and words. Soon this will be over and normal blogging will return!

Yo Ho Ho!

Is "Unity" our new God?

Maybe it is just because I am stuck in the middle of this whole thing, but it seems that "Unity" has become the new object of worship for our churches. (Well, I could say that it is homosexuality, and probably not get a whole lot of argument. But in the "mainline" denominations, I still think it is "Unity.")

In the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA), I had heard over and over, "I don't care if we have a gay pastor or not, I just think that pushing the matter will split the church." And so in the spirit of "unity," a Christian church acts in a highly un-Christlike manner.

Now, of course, these people could be totally against gay pastors and are just using the agreement of unity to hide behind. But of the people I met, they seem to truly be worried about the Church splitting. And this was before they knew I was gay.

And then there is the situation in the Anglican Union. Again, if they accept GLBT people fully into the life of the church, factions of the religion have threat end to split. So, does the church sell out a whole group of people just to keep unity? Again, un-Christlike.

Change the argument for a moment. "We don't want black pastors because they will split the church." How absurd! "We don't want a bishop who is in an inter-racial relationship because the African Primates will want to pull out." How stupid! But this is the type of argument that is thrown around.

Christ was accepting of all types of people. Religions have bastardized that principle by saying they are accepting but then placing all kinds of barriers to that acceptance.

What we have is a bunch of people who say they are trying to uphold the teachings and practices of Christ until those teachings and practices cause some to feel uncomfortable. Didn't Jesus cause others to feel uncomfortable? What if Jesus didn't act because it my cause a split in Judaism?

Christianity isn't about being comfortable, it is about doing what is right!

Debtors' Prison

Well, not quite that bad.

I called the IRS and had a very wonderful person on the phone. She was helpful and made what could have been a nasty situation bearable. So, the problem is not fixed, but it is workable.

Can things please slow down?

Just when I was getting some footing in this whole move thing, I get taken out at the knees. I find in the mailbox at the house (yes, it is not "home" anymore) a note telling me I have to sign for a letter from the IRS. Sorry, but NOTHING good from the IRS requires signing. You have to sign for stuff they want to make sure you get. If you don't cash a check, what do they care?

I am not a dumb person, but when it comes to finances, I am at a total loss. I know nothing about it. Unfortunately, this gets me into trouble. If I were intentionally trying to rip off the government, that would be different, but I just am clueless. If they want to take anything from me, they are pretty much tapping a dry well at the moment.

In the new place

Well, I am sitting in a chaotic room. And considering that we just moved most of the stuff today, it looks pretty good.

Nick's sister and BIL came over and helped move. WHAT A HELP! We had three ball=busters to move, a washer, a dryer, and a large sofa. Thanks to the help, we got them all moved. My back hurts tonight, but it could have been much worse.

Last night was hard on me. I realized that it would be the last night we would spend in the house. I walked around and remembered when I first moved in. All the dreams I had about the place. Now I looked out and the yard was dark because we sold the landscape lights. The pond is gone because one of the neighbors wanted the liner. Things were gone. The house was not the same. Then it struck me that what was important in the house was asleep in bed. All the things were just that, things, but Nick was sticking by me even when everything else was falling apart.

I met a couple of neighbors and they seemed very nice, one even gave us some dryer duct. But then I met the downstairs neighbor. Actually, I met him yesterday and didn't know it was him. When I brough stuff over yesterday, there was this guy just sitting near the door of the building. I kind of said "hi" as I went in but he didn't say anything. Then he would move over to a picnic table that was near. Then he was sitting again near the door. I was getting a little weirded out by this bum (?) who was sitting aroudn the door. Well, while we were moving funiture, we suddenly heard a pounding on the floor from downstairs. So I walked downstairs and knocked on the door. Who should open the door but the "bum." I said, "Sorry if it sounds like we are moving a bunch of furniture, but we are moving a bunch of furniture. WHen we get moved in, it will quiet down." To which he replied, "It better."

WHAT AN ASS!

It is rude enough that he would pound on the floor, but to now just laugh it off when I went down to explain... I hope this is not a foreshadow. But in walking downstairs, I also want to let him know that pounding is not an acceptable way to send a message.

I'll post some pictures when I bring my camera. It is currently in the house, as is a bunch of "stuff." You know, that danderuff that defies categorization. Most of it should probably be thrown away, but I am not ready to do that yet.

Gearing up for the "Big Move"

It seems like this move has been going on forever, and ye gentle readers are probably getting sick of hearing about it. I don't know if it would have been better to just move the whole thing in one swell foop or if it was better to do it in little steps as we have been doing it. Well, either way, we rent the truck tomorrow and move the couch, bed, dressers, coffee table, and other assorted crap.

It is amazing the things that accumulate. Nick has had a more mobile life and seems to be able to let go of thing easier than I do. I tend to want to hang on to the memories and feel a sense of betrayal in getting rid of some things. But I am getting better at realizing that getting rid of things is not getting rid of memories nor is it getting rid of the people who are part of those memories.



I will miss living in this house. I fell in love with this house when I first stepped foot in it. Now it has been stripped and it is becoming increasingly empty. There are big gaping holes of nothingness where tables and furniture used to be. The computer is going today and the (very heavy!) television went Tuesday. Here we have "before" and "after" shots.

Sometimes I feel so childish. Here I am, a 42-year-old man, moved to tears because I have to move. If this were a happy move with something to look forward to, then maybe I would be more joyous. As for now, it just seems to reinforce the feelings of anger and frustration.

And it also seems that every interaction I have with the church becomes one of pain. Going to meetings reminds me how I am an outsider and supply preaching reminds me of how I am sitting fallow.

There are clergy who are getting headlines for their struggles. But there are also us, the ones who are quietly fighting in the trenches. Maybe I should have become a poster child. Maybe I shouldn't have left quietly. I guess I can second guess myself until forever, it is not going to change what already is.

Of course, in the midst of all of this, we cannot be without drama. A watch that I received as an ordination gift needed batteries. Doesn't sound like much, huh? Until you realize that it costs $50 to replace the batteries. Then the watch still doesn't work. So off to get that looked at and possibly another $70 in cleaning. I would hate to get rid of it, it is my "Fire and Brimstone" watch. The background has dancing flames on it. My friend told me to look at it and remember to "Give 'em Hell!" I don't thing Fossil makes them anymore.

Then I take my truck to see why the brakes are making noise. (Actually, I knew why they were making noise, I was just hoping I could get the brakes fixed for a couple hundred.) Well make that over $500! It seems like there is no way of getting a break.

9-11-2001

It still haunts us.

21st Century Annoyance

Maybe this is just something that happens to me. (And if so, I will become even MORE paranoid!)

I am frustrated at the lack of follow through for messages. In the past couple of weeks, I have left phone messages and e-mail messages for various people and have not heard anything back. Now these are not just some "Joe/Jane Schmo" but people in positions of "power."

One person is from the diocesan office. Now this is not the first time that I have had difficulty with people in the office. I have found that it is pretty useless to leave a message because people will never return a call. Even if the person is busy, at least leave a message that you have received my message. Just to do nothing is annoying.

Another situation is leaving an e-mail for a person who is on a national LGBT help site. There are people designated to be contact people for the various regions of the country. But when I have contacted the person with questions, I have not received any response.

In both of these situations, if you are going to put yourself in the place of publicly saying you will help people, then it is rude to not answer your messages. People are counting on you! I am asking questions because I need information, you are the people either designated or self-designated to, if not answer the question, be able to guide me to people who can. To just ignore the messages is, as I said, rude.

Has anyone else encountered this? Is this just another social kindness that has gone by the wayside due to our "in-touch" society?

Let me tell you about my dad...

Yesterday Nick and I had a yard sale. We sold the entire yard! No grass left!! JUST KIDDING! Actually, we did a pretty good job. We sold a bunch of furniture and and some other odds and ends.

But the funniest thing of the day (well, Nick doesn't think so) was this annoying guy who kept referring to Nick as my dad. "So, you and your dad are moving, huh?" "Can you give me your grandmother's number?" (meaning Nick's mom) This guy was just an "in your face" kind of guy and I don't think he had any idea how annoying he really was.

But we did get a fair amount of stuff sold and we continue to move.

I preached this morning and the first service was probably one of the worst I have ever done. I was part way through the sermon and the thought that went through my mind was, "What the Hell am I talking about?" It is pretty sad when the preacher is boggled by the sermon. The second service went much better! I even understood what I was talking about.

Friday Afternoon Funny

How Ironic

I heard a news article on NPR this morning talking about the thinning of the Arctic ice sheet and the wonderful benefits we can achieve from this. One of the great benefits will be the ability to extract the oil from under the ice cap.

Now does anyone else see the humor (?) in this? Because of greenhouse gasses, we have less ice on the ice cap. This thinning of the ice allows us to drill for oil and produce more oil. This allows us to burn more oil thus increasing the greenhouse gasses. This works to increase global warming and continues to think the ice caps.

The people on the radio sounded just so happy about this and how we need to jump on this windfall before we lose it.

I just couldn't believe they didn't see the irony of the situation.

Bridge Walk 2007

This is an elk that is part of a herd kept by the BPOE (Benevolent and Protective order of Elks) in Gaylord, MI. We stopped to see them on the way to the bridge. I used to live in the area so it was kind of old home week. It was fun to take Nick to see the things of my past.

These two are pictures of the Cross in the Woods. This was kind of cool in a schmaltzy sort of way. The cross is huge!

This is the Holy Family statue. I needed to take the picture because I am a collector of Nativities. I thought this one was very nice.

Here we had our home away from home. Of course, to keep our "Family Cred" we had a queen sized air mattress with 600 thread count sheets. One can only "rough it" so much.

And as the sun sets in the western sky, we look upon the edifice we were about to take on tomorrow.

We got up at 5 am and got moving, showered (which was about 4-5 city blocks away), and packed up camp. We then drove into town, parked and walked to the place where we could get a bus across the bridge. We stood in line for about an hour and then spent another hour crossing the bridge. Everyone starts on the St. Ignace side of the bridge and walks south to the Mackinaw City side. Both ways of spelling the name (Mackinac and Mackinaw) are pronounced the same way, "Mack-in-gnaw," and don't believe anyone who tells you different! We walked on the two northbound lanes while traffic was diverted to the southbound lanes.

You really get some neat views of the bridge, which is the longest suspension bridge in the western hemisphere. (Just short of 5 miles.) While driving, you cannot stop and take pictures, this is the only time when pictures like this can be taken.

I have to admit, when we started walking, I thought this would be a perfect time for a terrorist attack. Some well placed bombs and thousands could be killed. There were military folks positioned along the bridge and the coast guard was in the water. Also in the water was a group of swimmers who swam the straits, a very impressive feat!

While we were walking, a freighter passed under the bridge. This is the smoke stack at the rear of the ship. The deck of the bridge is 199 feet above the water level. It took us about an hour and a half to walk the distance. When you get to the other side, they give you a numbered certificate which gives you an idea of how many people crossed before you. Our numbers were around 15,600. They were expecting over 50,000 people to cross. And although the foot traffic was supposed to stop at 11 am, there were still people crossing at 2:30 pm. Nick and I went to the Mystery Spot in St. Ignace and had to cross the bridge. There were still people crossing!

The Mystery Spot is supposed to be this incredible place. It was cute but actually kind of hokey. Not worth the seven bucks per person to see it.

I have to publicly thank Nick for walking with me. He messed up his knee on Sunday and was in pain the whole way. He is such a sweety!

Edit Note: This article said there were over 57,000 people who walked the bridge and the one hour wait doesn't seem so bad now!

Edit Note: Nick's take on the trip can be found here.

The Move Begins

Well, it starts. We have signed the lease to our new apartment and have started the moving process. (I guess you could call it moving, it often brings tears to my eyes.) Nick explains the whole thing about the contract. I kind of felt weird about it but we really didn't have any other options.

As Nick said, there was a chair that decided to jump out of the bed of the pick-up while I was driving down the interstate. I was in the middle of town so I was very lucky that the chair didn't hit another car and cause an accident.
Here you can see where the chair got scratched up and where the material got some road rash.
Here is where the wheel got dinged.
Here is where the arm got scratched. Again, not bad considering.

And here we have the car tag for the parking. Notice what the number is? Oy Vey!

Signing the contract was difficult for me. This apartment seems to be a constant reminder of all the dreams that I have had that are coming crashing down around me. As Nick said, it is punitively expensive to break the lease. That means that dreams of a call in the near future will have to stay that, just dreams.

And then there is the whole moving out of the house thing. This was my first house. I had come to the conclusion that I was probably never going to get married so I went house hunting, furniture shopping,and even bought Fiestaware because I would never have a wedding to get china as presents. In buying the house, I was saying to the world, "I am adult." Now my dream house is going away. This isn't the way it was supposed to happen.

I got a phone call from my former colleague while taking some furniture to the apartment. He said he had heard that I had lost my house and was moving into an apartment. He said he felt kind of guilty about the all the stuff I am going through. I wanted to yell into the receiver, "YOU SHOULD!" But I didn't. I did tell him that often it is difficult to believe that God is in this process and I often get discouraged. Hopefully the next time the whole sexuality thing comes around, people will realize that they are dealing with real people with real lives, not just some hypothetical "gay pastor."

Tomorrow I preach at one local Episcopal churches and then Nick and I are heading up to the Mackinac Bridge for the annual Bridge Walk. There should be a whole bunch of people walking this year as it is the 50th anniversary of the bridge. The whole bridge is just under five miles long. It is actually pretty cool. (In both senses of the word!) While in the middle of the bridge, you are over 200 feet above the water and it gets pretty windy there. This will be the second time I have walked it.

Oh

And I did not get the call in Colorado.

Some Explaination on the Last Post

"You know you are having a bad day when you call the suicide prevention line and they put you on hold."

If you have read this blog for any time, you know that things here at Quest Labs have been pretty touchy. I have been having trouble with the Unemployment System here in Michigan and have been waiting for over a month for a check. I called this morning to see about the check that was supposed to be arriving. I found that it wasn't sent yet and that if I would only follow the rules I wouldn't have these problems. After telling the phone person that I do not expect to be lectured by someone who is to help me, the phone person proceeded to tell me that I needed to get a calender and that my check was again going to be delayed. At which point I said that that was wonderful and the state could deal with my estate. The phone then got thrown across the room.

I then decided to call someone, somewhere. I am not good at asking for help so this was quite a step for me. All the places I called (except 1) ended up being answering machines telling me that my crisis was not at the proper time. That I if I wanted help, I would need to not kill myself until after 4 pm. Even the National Gay Lesbian Crisis Line had a message. I was getting desperate.

I finally called the Trevor Project which says it is the only 24-Hour National Youth Crisis Hotline. Now I know that I am not a youth, but I was getting desperate. So I call and when I get someone on the line, the first thing he says is, "Is this a joke?" To which I say, "No" then he says that they only deal with teens to which I say "Fine." I hang up and throw the phone for the second time.

Then I got pissed. And the getting pissed gave me something to keep me going. So in the end, they did help; it just sucked how it happened.

I also go in touch with the unemployment office and registered my complaint about their staff and got the whole check situation worked out.

I still find it scary that when I needed someone, I couldn't find anyone. I can envision a scenario where this whole thing ended very differently.

Now I'm Pissed

And if pissed keeps me alive, so be it.

I am so sorry I do not have crises at select hours. And I am also sorry I am not a teen. I will have to work harder on that.

I am melting down here and trying to call GLBT help lines. I have now recieved 4 or 5 answering machines, a question if I was serious and then was told they only work with teens. SORRY! I guess the lives of adults are not worth saving. I am pissed and if pissed keeps me going then thanks to you all and you can all kiss my ass.

Where in Hell are you?

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

my christian boyfriend is lustful should i dump hi[m]

The title of this post is a google search that lead someone to my blog.

That search reminded me of so many things that I really dislike about the "Christian" religion. I didn't say Christianity because I do not think the sentiments of that question are necessarily Christian. I just picture a white, middle to lower SES, fundamentalist/Pentecostal/Evangelical, girl, having nowhere to turn. Instead of going to mom and having her say, "Tell him to talk a cold shower!" She must go to the Internet.

And the word "lustful" makes me stop. What ever happen to, "Mom, Joe is getting a little pushy, what should I do?" Instead of learning how to defend herself and stand up for herself, she just jumps to the dichotomy of dump/not dump. I feel it is this type of either/or thinking that is fostered by the fundamentalist religions that leave our children (and even our adults) without any kind of common sense. It is this either/or thinking that steals people, and in this case teen girls, of their ability to make choices for themselves and do what they think is correct.

When you make your entire salvation dependent on one choice, (Do I accept Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior) then suddenly all other choices become suspect. "Maybe if I choose Jesus but I then think lustful thoughts Jesus will leave me." Or the biggie: "If Jesus hates fags, maybe Jesus also hates people who think about sex. If Jesus can ditch fags who prayed the sinner's prayer, maybe Jesus will ditch me too."

When we tell people to check their brains at the church doors, how do we let people know when it is time to reconnect? When you tell people that what they can see and know is wrong, then you can expert people to start doing irrational things.

I don't think God gave us irrational brains so we could get rid of every shade of gray and just dump the lustful boyfriend.

My response to the question: "Don't dump the boyfriend, tell him you are worthy of respect and make him treat you as a person of worth." And if you are scared because you feel lustful back: "Welcome to the wonderful world of life! How do you deal with these feelings in a mature and responsible way?" Black and white faith deprives us of the ability to become responsible, mature adults.

Interview

Well, today I had my interview for the possible chaplain position.

I would love to be able to say that the interview was a slam-dunk, but I can't. I interviewed with three different people. Two of the people seemed to like me. One, the HR person, I would not want to take on in poker. She gave me no idea.

If I passed this interview, then I get to have a second one. And if I pass that one, then I get one with the residents of the facility. So, assuming I make it through the interview process, I could have a job by next summer.

We did well with the apartment credit rating. Or maybe I should say that Nick did well with the credit rating. The person from the apartment complex called and said that "Nicholas" had an "A" credit rating. After first figuring out who "Nicholas" was, I realized this was a good thing. Since Nick got a rating of "A" credit rating, we don't have to put down a deposit. I noticed she didn't say what my rating was.

So that is the state of things. We have an apartment, Nick has a job, and I am still in Episcopal limbo. Oh well.

Depression

I think the one thing I hate most about depression is the lack of energy. There just seems like there is no back-up energy for anything. Things are going fine and then something comes up and everything comes tumbling down. Usually it is totally unexpected.

Last night, the spectre of depression hit both Nick and I. It was not a whole lot of fun. We started to pack and it just knocked me. Like I said, it is usually unexpected and then it saps all my energy.

Time is Moving

Well, Nick and I went to the Howell, MI Melon Festival. Nick wondered if there was a Dance called the Melon Balls!

But while we were there, we decided to look at a couple of apartments. Well, surprise! We found one! It is pretty nice and not that much smaller than where we are living now. Granted we don't have a basement or a backyard. I keep saying we will have to lower the dog off of the balconey so she can relieve herself.

The only thing that is stopping us is the credit check. Now let's think, to be in foreclosure means the credit is crap. But we will find out on Tuesday.

Tuesday is also when I have my interview. We are "acting as if." As if I will get the job and as if we will have enough money to pay for the thing. But the rent is about $200 cheaper than usual and the pet costs would be waved. The place is almost exactly half-way between my job and Nick's job. It all seemsed to fall into place. So we are on another ride.

Just another thought

I was reading some over at Kelly Fryer's Reclaiming the F Word. One of the things that she brings up that I think we forget: There are plenty of churches for the believers. We need places for the disestablished and the outcast. So people get mad and leave, they will find a church. But the people who have been tossed to the side, if they are ignored or cast out, they have nowhere to go. That is the bigger sin.

Another Day...

Well, it is another day and I am, thankfully, in a different mental place. Nick is such a great person, he puts up with me when I become this catatonic, sniveling, thing.

My outlook is again on an upswing. I am looking forward to the interview next week and hope that it goes well. If that job does not come through then things will get really weird. But for right now, we are moving ahead as if this is going to happen.

What does bother me is how quickly I can go from sane (well, as sane as I can be) and functioning to totally off the edge. The emotional bank account is really low. It seems like nothing has a chance to stabilize before something else is thrown into the mix.

I missed a meeting last night. The meeting was the Worship committee at the church with whom I will be associating. I really did not want to go there and meet the people while being in a horrendous mood. There will be other committee meetings.

Why the pictures of the flowers? I just thought they were pretty.

Victim?

If you are getting sick of whiny posts, then you best leave now. This is not going to be much better.

I met with a rector of a local Episcopal church yesterday. My feelings about the whole thing are almost more than I can state. I am happy that things are starting to move but I am upset that a bunch of stuff was going on without my knowledge. The canon has been sending e-mails about my Anglicanization to her without sending anything to me. I would have liked to have known what was being done. I also would have liked to have known that my chances of getting a call were nill before I became destitute. It would have been nice of them to treat me like an adult.

I am thoroughly losing any respect I have ever had for organized religions.

I have gone through school, I have graduated. Now I feel like I at square zero. You know, the way I'm feeling is that I really don't need the church. Why put up with all the bull. Serving God's people shouldn't be so convoluted.

I am just all kinds of angry and don't really know how to channel this anger so as to do good and not just get me in another intractable bind.

The Whilrwind Continues

You are all probalby hearing me whine about what is going on in my life. Well, sorry. But I guess that is what blogs are for.

The past week or so has been quite tiring. As I said, I went to the ELCA Biennial meeting. I thought it was funny that I never went when I was a Lutheran. But now that I am an Episcopalian, there I am at the assembly. Realizing that I was not part of the "in group" was difficult. I really think I am a Lutheran at heart.

I preached this past Sunday, the last of four Sundays at the same congregation. The amount of affirmation I received was overwhelming. Now I am not one who is out looking for "signs from God" in every little thing that happens, but feeling of accomplishment and the outpouring of support really seemed to affirm my call to the church. But then I keep thinking, "I am being affirmed, but where is the call?" And I get frustrated.

HOWEVER...I do have an interview next Tues. for the chaplain position. And I guess I should not question a possible call. A congregation can come in all forms.

A year ago yesterday was my last day at my former congregation. Time flies

More thought on the ELCA Churchwide Assembly

Although I was only there for one day, I did watch chunks of it on the internet. You gotta love technology!

One of the things that really p*ssed me off was the "Greeting" from the President of the Lutheran Chruch Missouri Synod. In general I thought it was pretty civil concerning the rocky history of the two sects. Where I got hot under the collar is when the the Rev. Keischnick said he prayed, "that we will be able to come to harmonious conclusions regarding the authority and interpretation of the word of God, so the distance between us will not be widened, but will be bridged." Which is ancient right-wing for, "If you don't interpret the Bible the same way we do, we will take our Saviour and go home."

If the ELCA allowed GLBT clergy, then they were not going to interact with the ELCA. WHO CARES? Why should the ELCA listen to them anyway? They are back in the dark ages. They will not ordain women and they do not believe anyone except them can pray appropriately. Not the kind of Lutheranism that I understand. We know that when they say, "conclusions regarding the authourity and interepretation of the word of God," that means to interpret it THEIR way. They are not willing to conceed that the Spirit may be moving them to change.

I thought his comments were pot shots and had no place at the Assembly. I thinik the LCMS should be ashamed at using such strong-armed tactics.

The article from The Lutheran can be found here.

Martin Luther Would Still Be Trying To Post The 95 Theses

This post is not about The Bloated Goat but Nick and I had lunch there just becuase it was the wildest name for a bar that I have ever encountered. And it was pretty much what a dive bar should be. We went there, had lunch, left, and smelled of smoke the rest of the day.

What I really wanted to talk about is the ELCA decision of Saturday. The decision was that bishops wouldn't go after pastors in comitted same-sex relationships. It didn't toss the stupid rule that causes the problem, it is just telling bishops to ignore it.

Now some people are calling it a great step forward, and I guess we need to celebrate accomplishments. But I really have some problems with it. It still is creating a kind of "don't ask, don't tell." Pastors can be more open, but there is still a feeling that this is something that has to be hidden and something to be ashamed of.

This is all so anti-Lutheran. Luther was a man of action. He saw a problem and did something about it. If he were around today, the 95 theses would never have gotten posted to the Navy Pier doors. We would be sending it to the various and assorted committees makeing sure everything was ok. Maybe the Pope would be offended. The Jesuits may get angry and split off from the church. Maybe Nuns would want to marry their goats and priests their alterboys. We better not do anything let Luther do anything.

Yes, Luther posted the theses. And yes! The church split! IT NEEDED TO! Maybe the ELCA needs to leave the ones who want to revert to a law driven spirituality wallow in their laws and continue to move the rest of the church forward.

I am saddened by the actions of the ELCA. I feel the people caved in to fear. They were afraid action would split the church. I am afraid lack of action will cause a split.

Community

I think one of the things I realized about myself in going to the Churchwide assembly is that I miss having a community. As a pastor, I had a congregation and a group of colleagues. When I left, I lost my congregation, and my colleagues and not being a native of Michigan, I also really didn't have any friends nearby. I then became Episcopal, but still do not feel like like I belong. I kind of feel like a gate-crasher at the prom.



But being at the assembly, I saw people who I knew and with whom I had a past. I saw people who knew me before I was gay (Well, you know what I mean) and before I was a pastor. It was a reminder of that past life.



I met some very courageous people. In some ways, when I look at them, I feel like I took the "easy way" out by not staying and fighting. But I also realize that I did what I felt I needed to do and I there are no "do-overs" in life. So I need to just keep moving forward and helping others when possible.



What is scaring me is that whole loss of community feeling. I am no longer a Lutheran (at least in name) and I really don't feel like an Episcopalian. Being in this limnial state is very uncomfortable for me. I feel like I have no direction; like a ship's captain stuck in the Doldrums. And what is also unsettling is I don't see this ending.

Oh well, off to write a sermon for this weekend.

Go out and be the change you want to see in the world.

Oh, how could I forget! Thank you all, my online community, you mean a great deal to me! You have helped me in so many ways!

ELCA Churchwide Assembly in Chicago

I decided to go to Chicago yesterday. "Why?" you may ask. I went to Chicago to be a presence during the ELCA Churchwide assembly. The assembly is going to consider the question of whether to allow partnered gay clergy to openly lead congregations. I was part of over 30 clergy that were present and of over 80 clergy in a devotional book.

The assembly is being held on Navy Pier. I had not been there since the big revamp of the place. It was really quite cool. The weather was damp so the skyline was a bit obscured.

Every so often the sun would break through the clouds and shine on the lighthouse in the bay. It was cool.



Within the building on Navy Pier, there is a permanent installation of stained glass. Of course I was in heaven. The one here is a glass Christmas mosaic. There were also many Tiffany windows and some Arts and Crafts windows. Definitely worth a check. (Click on the picture to see the detail. I am so envious!)

There was a worship service sponsored by Goodsoil. Two years ago, there were approx. 350 people at the service, this year there was over 650! The ELCA is going to change, the question is just when.

On the way home. I stopped in to see Morgen from It's a Blog Eat Blog World. I got to his shop at 9 am, his shop opens at 10 am. I probably should have hung around, but there is not a whole lot to do in Dowagiac MI for an hour. So I headed on home.

Oh the way home, I drove through the town of Climax, MI. I just thought it was too funny.

"The Book: The Foreclosure"

This whole thing with the house is really getting to me. When you buy a house, especially your first house, there are so many hopes and dreams attached to it. I know that sounds cliché, but it is true. And then to see the dreams crash is almost more than one person can bear.
I was going to do stained glass for the windows. The light in the house was going to sparkle with jewel tones. A Salvador Dali tribute window was going to be in the bedroom and a garden scene for the bathroom.
The area around the pond was going to have paver blocks that would be like quilt blocks and the pavers would be laid out like a quilt. I also wanted to put an outdoor fireplace back there and finish the pond. I also wanted to put a pump on the greenman on the garage after you rounded the corner.
Now the backyard is overgrown. Why bother to keep it up? The house is going to just sit because it won’t sell; the market is swamped. On my four block street, there are eight houses for sale.
My house was my statement of “moving on.” I figured I wasn’t going to get married so it was stupid to wait to buy a house. I wasn’t going to be getting wedding presents so I bought Fiestaware. (China is really not my speed.) I knew I would be doing my own decorating so I bought the leather sofa and chair that I wanted and the obligatory large screen TV. And antiques; lots of antiques. I was planning on creating the home of my dreams.
But now it is over. We have to start packing, not knowing where we are going to go. We have to sell stuff not knowing if we will need it later.
Why does the church that I love hate me?Some people wanted me to go to Chicago for the Churchwide assembly. They wanted me to tell my story. I don’t think I could. I think I would become too despondent. I also can’t afford the fees to get into the assembly. I feel sorry for those who stayed to fight, but in my case, I still think I did the right thing by leaving. The senior pastor was not supportive and I didn’t want to pit the congregation against each other. Maybe it is an excuse, I don’t know.

Confusion

I am so confused. I get a call for a possible job. I call back. They call me. I call back. I call back the next day. I finally called back today. I won't be calling back tomorrow. I would like the job, but I feel like I am acting desperate.

I have been having a great time preaching at a local congregation. It is times like that that really reminds me of how much I miss the congregation. I know that there are always going to be pain in the #*#&* people but I do miss being a spiritual leader.

I'm not going to go to the ELCA Churchwide convention as part of a protest. I just don't know if I really want to open all this stuff up. I mean, I am having enough trouble dealing with this season of anniversaries without fighting for the church that let me down.

Seven years ago I started in my first call.

Three years ago I took possession of my house which is now in foreclosure and will be final at the end of September.

Nick has high blood pressure and it cost $80 just to see the doctor. This is the cost without insurance.

We are looking for a place to rent but are having trouble finding a place that will allow us to have pets. And I still don't have a job. And unemployment is coming to an end.

Sorry to be whiny. Things just suck as of late.

Some Light on the Horizion

There may be a possible job! Not in a church, unfortunately, but as a chaplain in a nursing home. Not exactly what I had though, but there are other ways to serve God's people. And, needless to say, the elderly are God's people!

This is Fun

Finally Finished Harry

Yep, I finished the last Harry Potter book. I have to give Rowling credit: Not only did she tie up the whole thing, she even tied all seven of the books together. Pretty impressive.

I heard of going blind...

(hat tip to YarravillePaul)

Seventh Anniversary

Well, today is the seventh anniversary of ordination. I really don't know how I feel about this. I sometimes feel like I should just pitch the whole church thing and then I get weekends like last weekend and the one before. Weekends where being in the pulpit was a pleasure and felt like home. I would take that as a sign but then there are the week days of despair. Oh well. There is another congregation on the horizon that sounds good. I sent my stuff off today. I hope to hear from them soon.

Peace to you all and hope your summer is going well.

My Own Private Hell

I keep running into things that remind me about what was happening a year ago. Because of the way the church year runs, I am dealing with the anniversaries of the writing and sending of The Letter, my final sermon, and the seventh anniversary of my ordination all at the same time.

Last year they were somewhat spread out, but this year they are all almost right on top of each other. I was going to save my sermon for this week and realized that I couldn't save it as pentecost 9 because there was already one there. When I checked what else was pentecost 9, I came face to face with the last sermon I gave to my former congregation.

A year has already passed.

There is a line from the song What About Me by a one-hit wonder band called Moving Pictures which kind of sums up what I am feeling:

And now I'm standing on the corner, all the world's gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got...

Maybe I expected too much from my leaving. Maybe I expected change that will never come. Maybe I expected affirmation that will never come. Maybe I expected justice from an unjust system.

The sermon for this Sunday is about prayer, especially the Lord's Prayer. And I will be standing in front of a group of people telling them how they need to be patient and wait on God. That God will give them what they need when they need it.

Preacher, preach to thyself!

It Is All Our Fault!

(Hat tip to Good as You)

The Free Fair - Take Two

Nick and I went to the Ionia Free Fair last night. It was a good time, but not quite as fun as last year. I think part of it was in not doing some of the weird things like going to the freak show. First off, the freak show was not there this year, and even so, you can only go to a freak show for the first time, once. I guess that goes beyond saying, but once you have seen it, it kind of loses something.

But it was fun. We went to Big Boy again, like last year. We didn't get yelled at by the people telling us that Jesus has a bank account, though.

On a different subject, this has happened to Nick and me and it kind of drives me nuts. This would be flipping people off.

Ok, I got flipped off by someone coming out of a driveway. Now, why would you want to flip someone off who now knows where you live and you have no idea where that person lives? I have been tempted to place a note on the person's car saying, "So you flipped me off? I know where you live, do you know where I live?" A little panic never hurt anyone. :-)

The second situation was when Nick got flipped off by a person driving a car with a business advertised on the side. What a great form of advertising! If we would have been on top of it, we would have taken the number and called.

Oh well.

If you are going to flip someone off, make sure you cannot be tracked.

HARRY DIES AT THE END!

Or not!

I DON"T KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE NOT READ THE BOOK YET!

And even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you because I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.

I am looking forward to reading the book and finding out what happens to the really cute wizard, but in some way it is a little bit bittersweet. There was something about not having the story finished. There is something about getting to "know" this "person" who seems to always overcome adversity. Maybe with the place I am in my life, I need someone like Harry.

Actually, I hope Harry lives. It would be sad to think that evil could overcome him.

Hey, Harry survived the Fundamentalist's attempt to kill him! If he can survive the fundamentalists he can certainly survive Voldamort!

CAN WE SURVIVE IN A POST-HARRY WORLD!

Little Gifts From God

As I write this, I am sitting outside trying to compose a sermon for this Sunday. The gospel reading is about Mary and Martha and being too busy to notice what is important.

As if to reinforce the lesson, three fledgling blue jays have come to my pond. They surprised me because the first landed on a chair not more than three feet from where I was sitting. Then they proceeded to fly around, sometimes flying under the patio umbrella! It was as if they didn't know that people were something to be afraid of.

They were also landing on the rocks of the pond and drinking from the waterfalls.

I have never seen a fledgling blue jay, let alone one that close!

I guess it was time to stop being busy and notice what is important!

Pond Watch

I have not posted a pond watch in a long time.

I am sorry to say, I think all of the "special" fish are gone. You may remember that I had some fantail comets in the pond and two koi. Well, one of the fantails ended belly-up in the pond. Then the other one did not come out when I threw food in the pond. Now the coy are not coming out for lunch. I think they may have become lunch themselves. Tis a sad day in pond land.

This Just In! I have seen the two koi! They are alive!!

I'm Luna Lovegood, or is that Albus Dumbledore?

You're dreamy and absent-minded, though you often show startling intelligence. Sometimes you're Luna Lovegood, Harry's spacy acquaintance; at your best, you're Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore, far more serious-minded than your behavior might imply.

Who are you? Check it out here!

Back In Michigan

This is Nick, Me, and my friend Beth of Betty and the Headlights.

Well, Nick and I are back in Michigan! And I am happy to say that everything went well. Not that I was expecting my parents to be all weird or anything. I mean, I probably had one of the easiest times coming out of anyone I know.



I drug Nick around to all the things I love to do when I am home. Well, actually, not all the things, some of things there just was not enough time for.


We got into town and one of the first things I did was take Nick on Rush St. Rush St. is appropriately named: You drive down one hill and then up another. As you crest the hill, all that you see is the bluffs of the Illinois side of the Mississippi which are over a mile away. You are also about 200 feet above the river below. It is kind of freaky and you want to make sure you have good brakes!





We also checked out the city from the Fenlon Street Elevator. The elevator is a cable car system that lifts you 187 feet up the bluffs at an 87 degree angle. It is fun. Also a bit scary considering the elevator is about 120 years old.







The next day, Nick and I went to The Field of Dreams. It still amazes me that the movie has been out for over 18 years and there still was a crowd of people there. I guess it was true; it was built and they are still coming!







W went to U.S. Grant's Home in Galena, IL afterward and went shopping in Galena. Galena is a great little town in Illinois. It was the town of Chisholm, MN in the movie Field of Dreams. For those who are familiar with Michigan, it is kind of like Saugatuck but not quite as gay friendly.

This picture was actually one that was owned by U.S. Grant. I thought it was wild that it depicted children smoking. We debated exactly what it was the children were smoking! In many ways, Victorian sensibilities were much different than today! A painting like this would not be tolerated today.

Various family members just happened to "drop by" to see me (and to check out Nick!). But everyone was very nice. All in all, it was a good trip! Not enough time, but is there ever enough time?

On Sunday, we went to the Dickeyville Grotto. This is something that is probably not worth a trip in its own right, but a "Don't Miss!" if you are in the area. It was built by one priest (who must have been VERY bored!) many moons ago. It is impressive, but mighty cheesy.

Oh! Mom and Dad loved the frog!

Meet The Fockers

Well, Nick and I are off to Iowa. We are taking Mom and Dad's Christmas present to them and it is the first chance for Nick to get to meet my parents.

It should be interesting since I have only been out to them for a year. And since I really didn't "date" women, this is really the first "significant other" of mine they will meet.

On the way to Iowa, we are going to stop at the home of some friends of Nick. I have "met" these folks on-line, it will be nice to actually "meet" them. We are also planning on going to President Grant's home and to the Field of Dreams. And of course, there is also the thousands of places that I love from my childhood. We don't have enough time to do it all, but we will have some fun! I am looking forward to it. And I know Nick is ready for a vacation.

I will post more when we get back!

Sicko

I went to see Michael Moore's new movie, Sicko yesterday. And today, I am living the movie.

The cheapest place I could find generic Welbutrin was Walgreens and that was at $100 for a month. The pharmacist is waiting to see if we may be able to move from Welbutrin to Celexa because Celexa is so much cheaper.

This is probably something that drives Ur-Spo nuts! And I really didn't want to do it but the cost is unreal.

I guess what makes this whole thing so much more upsetting is having just seen Sicko. In it, Moore discusses how countries that have socialized medicine not only have a longer life expectancy, but they also have no medical costs. Wow, no medical costs. No need to worry about going to a doctor. I may actually be able to get some things looked at that I have been putting off.

Oh well, life goes on, huh?

Night

Nights are the worst for me. It is like the minute I lie down, my brain kicks into overdrive. Without the daily destractions, I am more vividly reminded of just how much of a loser I have become. And the problem is, it doesn't appear to be getting any better.

I truly hate what is becoming of my life. I have no energy, I have no direction, I have no desire to do anything. I am awake all day and can't sleep at night. I am 42 years old and am going nowhere. I was going to write "doing" back there, but my fingers started to type "going." What would Dr. Freud say about that?

I fell like I am a burden on society. I feel like I have things to offer, it is just that nobody wants them.

I shouldn't say that because I have Nick, he is what is literally keeping me alive. But is that too big of a burden to place on one person?

I am starting to think about packing. Part of me just wants to pile everything up and move. Staying here is like having a "Good Bye" party and then showing up the next day. It is awkward.

This is like a nightmare that I just can't seem to wake up from.

Rewind One Year

I love this picture, we all look so happy!

I was just remembering that a year ago, I was living through what could be described as one of the worst weeks of my life. And now, a year later, it still kind of hurts.

Nick and I were talking and it is true that this whole trip was pretty much a set up for me to fail. I think about how I travel. I went to Spokane, WA with my car, my tent, my sleeping bag, clothes, and a general direction. I figured I would stay at Devil's Tower and maybe Bozeman on the way there. Otherwise, I had no plans. That is the way I travel. I do not plan trips for nine people! But I was placed in a situation where I was responsible for big plans, even though I told them that planning is not something I am good at.

I guess what I really feel sorry about is that the kids had to feel the tension between the other adult leader and I. Just for those of you who may consider it: don't take a youth group across the country when the other adult thinks you are a screw-up. Believe me, it doesn't work.

I am also sad because it could have been a lot of fun. Even the screw-ups can be fun if you let them. But when you have someone who is uptight and has boundry issues, well...

Oh well, enough for now. I think the neighbors have finally run out of fire works. Macy's claims to have had the biggest fireworks display, but my neighbors were shooting off fireworks for over an hour and a half last night (read: Until 1 am).

ELCA Defrocks Gay Pastor

Well, I guess I got out of the ELCA at the right time!

http://www.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idUSN0535562920070705

A Flash back you thought you forgot!

Michigan Pride

Yesterday, June 30th was Michigan Pride in Lansing. I am sorry, but none of my pictures turned out. But for the most part, it was nothing really interesting. And in my opinion, that is a good thing. Not that there is anything wrong with people who wish to dress in drag or dress any way they want. What I mean is that we are not something to be frightened of, we are just people like everyone else.

Two of the speakers at the capital were very interesting. The first was a MtoF transsexual who was fired from her position at a local university when she started her transition process. The other speaker was her wife of over 30 years. This courageous woman decided to stay with the person she loved even if it meant that her husband was about to become her wife.

Of course we had all kinds of people telling us we were damned to Hell. Nick and I wanted to stage a scene where we would hear the protesters, have a violent break-up and grab the nearest woman, throw her to the ground and proceed (to a point!) to get jiggy with her! But alas, we didn't do it.

There was a church there that was protesting the protesters! Sometimes I am not as ashamed to be called a Christian.