It's been a while

I just realized that I haven't posted anything in a while.

Sorry that the first thing back is a bit of a pitty-party.

I am kind of having the "perfect storm" of  down days.  I am doing the post vacation re-entry.  I am still unemployed.  People, in general, are pissing me off.  I really am losing my faith in the viability of the organized church.  And I really don't know what else I would do if I weren't a clergy being.  And to top it all off, I forgot to take my "happy drugs."

While sitting here, waiting for call things to happen, I keep wondering if the church is worth putting my effort into.  It seems to be filled with people who are just plain mean.  It seems as if the church has forgotten that we are supposed to be followers and emulators of the one who told us to love our neighbor.  We are not supposed to be lording our righteousness over others.  Hell, what righteousness??  The church seems so hell-bent on proving that they are so good because everyone else is so bad.

Then we have people who text and drive.  HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED TO BE TOLD?  Contrary to what your mommy told you, lady in Cadillac SUV, you are NOT that special.  Weaving in lanes, speeding up and then crossing across three lanes because you missed the exit.  If you were paying attention to the road, you wouldn't have had to cut everyone off.

Growl.

Vacation was nice, though.  I like the ocean!

Surgery Dilemma

I heard something on the radio a few weeks ago and it got me thinking:  What would you do if you knew you had to have a surgery that would save your life but would permanently diminish your intellectual capacity?

Sometime I wish I could have that surgery.  I would like to know what it feels like to consider a 12 pack and NASCAR a good weekend.  I would like to know how it feels to be able to get mine and walk away leaving everyone else to fend for themselves.  I would like to know what it was like to really not care at all what was happening in the world.  I would like to know what it was like to be content knowing that I am taken care of and that everyone else who is still struggling deserves it.  I wonder what it feels like to know that God loves me so I am going to heaven and the rest of you will rot in hell.

I long for some surety in life.  I long for things to be black and white.  I am sick of caring.

I think I would have the surgery.  Right now, I crave a simpler life.  I crave one where I just need to look out for Nick and I and that is it.

Oh the thoughts of a wide awake brain in a tired body.

Reply to a friend

This is a response to a VERY good friend asking me why I hate rich people.  I have not sent it to him yet, not because I think he is right, but I value his friendship too much.  But I figured I could post it here.  I might still send it, but I am going to let it sit for a while.

Why do I hate these people I do not know?  Well, I don’t hate them.  I am frustrated with them.  I am frustrated that no one will admit that George W. got us into a two wars that were not funded.  I am frustrated that we had a budget surplus and a temporary tax cut was given to the affluent and now we are deficit, but to return the temporary tax cut is called a tax increase.  I am frustrated that I cannot afford insurance.  I am frustrated that Nick has pains, aches, and all kinds of things but we cannot afford insurance for him.  I am angry that jobs are going over seas and none are being formed in the US.  I am angry that I hear, “You just need to work harder.”  I have 10 years of college and I have been working as hard as possible to stay employed.  I am not a slug.  Nick is not a slug.  To suggest that we are in the situation we are in because we are trying to leach off of society is offensive.

Compromise means that both sides will not get everything they want.  Yet, I hear the Republicans being the party of “No.”  If GOP does not get exactly what they want, then they say “No!” and blame it on the President.  When given something that might be good for the country, all we hear is “We don’t want to give the president a victory.”  It is not the president’s victory, it is a victory for the nation.

I hear politicians complaining that after they spend $200,000 on their family of 6 they only have $400,000 left.  $400,000 left for what?  I would gladly pay taxes on the $6 million the guy makes if it meant that when I was done I had $400,000 left over!  What do I have left over after all my taxes and payments?  I am farther in debt than before.  If getting $400,000 of disposable income means that I have to work harder, tell me what that job is.

The job creators out there are not creating jobs.  They are sending jobs to other countries.  Check out the graph I sent on FB, the Koch brothers are becoming richer and richer, but they are not adding jobs to the economy.  Places like HP are hiring temp jobs which don’t involve any kind of benefits, no kind of security.  It is impossible to even get a vacation, not that we could afford it.  While working temp, you try to take a vacation, you end up losing your job.  You have it nice.  You have a stable job.  You have benefits.  You have the luxury of looking at people like me and calling me lazy.  Whether you say it directly or not, to have the comment, “Why do you hate all of these people that you do not even know? Is it because they work hard and are successful?” appears to imply that those of us who are unemployed are not willing to working hard.  I have worked hard and I am still unemployed.

So when I hear the Tea Party talking like it is all my fault, I get angry.  When I hear people say that the unemployed are lazy, I get angry.  When I hear about rich people getting breaks because they are rich (i.e. capital gains tax rates) I get angry.  If the rich were actually making jobs, I would not get angry.  But when I hear about oil companies making record profits while taking tax breaks, I get angry.  And if you look at the crowds in Occupy Wall Street, I am not the only one who is angry.  I look at what is happening and can hear Marie Antoinette saying, “They have no bread? Well let them eat cake.”  It is easy when you have a stable, well paying, job to say that everyone else needs to work harder, but that is really not a fair statement.

Rant on Language

The state of English in the United States is horrible!

As someone who uses language as a major part of my chosen profession,and persuasive language at that, I notice so many things that just drive me crazy.

One that has been getting to me for years is the tack-on phrase, "if  you will..."  What is that supposed to mean? Any statement that has "if you will" tacked onto it would be equally valid without the annoying phrase.  The only thing I can figure is that it makes the speaker feel superior by reminding the listener that "I am dumbing this down so YOU can understand it."  And where did this phrase come from anyway?

Another is "Pre-Order."  Pre-order is walking to the phone, computer, representative to make your order.  Period.  Ok, pre-ordering may also be thinking of ordering.  However, when you are paying your money for something that you shall receive, you are ORDERING it.  Just because the book may not come out for another month doesn't matter.  You are ordering it.  You may be ordering it for future delivery, but you are ordering it!

And in the same vein, when you walk to the plane, you are pre-boarding.  When you are getting on the plane, you are BOARDING IT!  For some of us, pre-boarding involves sitting watching the First-Class people board, but the First-Class people are boarding, not pre-boarding.  Call it "early boarding;" call it "priority boarding;" just don't call it PRE-BOARDING.

We shall move on to "Prolly."  My nephew is notorious for this one.  Whenever I read it, I have to wonder if he really knows that the word is not "prolly" but "probably."  When I see things like this, I have to wonder if he has any aspirations to do anything in life that does not require a "Hi, My name is..." tag.

Next is "vacay."  Have we all become spoiled, blond, valley girls?  The word is "vacation."  Is that so hard?

From what I can tell, the only words that are one letter are "A" and "I."  "U" is an abbreviation for "University."

Is it really any harder to type "girl" as opposed to "gurl?"

"Unique" means "one of a kind."  It is not qualifyable.  If it is "very unique" or "sort of unique" then it is rare.  Unique is an "either/or" situation:  Either it is one of a kind or it is not.

Nao U prolly think I am nutz.  I will go nowwwww.

Still Thinking About Society

I guess riding on a Greyhound bus can make you wonder about people's ability to be civil.  Watching a couple in their 50's (hetero, mixed ethnicity, not that it matters) snogging for a hundred miles is really annoying.  At one point, this would not have been tolerated by society.  Now I guess I would have been surprised if it didn't happen.  I guess I would have expected it from the younger travelers, though.

Society works because we all agree on standards of behavior.  But lately, it seems, this standard has gone down the tubes.  And to try to raise that level is considered rude.  It is more rude to point out that someone is littering by throwing their cigarette butt on the ground than the person who is actually doing the littering.  It is more rude to point out that snogging on the bus is causing other discomfort than to actually be causing the discomfort by snogging.

It starts with little things.  People disregard stop lines.  People disregard parking lot speed limits.  People disregard clothing decency by wearing clothing that has socially inappropriate words on it.  People are exposing body parts that really shouldn't be exposed.  Even baby clothes can be found with totally inappropriate things on them.

I don't consider myself a prude.  But I also think that if we are to exist as a civil society, we need to be able to keep a society that is aware of all of its people.  Laws work because we all agree to follow the laws.  When we all decide that the laws don't apply to each of us, then we descend into chaos.  Just things like stop-lines and speed limits.  We decide these things don't apply to us and then it moves on.

We become bullies because it is all about "ME!"  I don't care about you, just about me.  And when the whole world is worrying about ME! then we go down the tubes.  And quickly from what I am seeing.  There is no thought about how our actions will effect anyone else; as long as I am enjoying life, well, FU.

I see where people may say that things like Stonewall shouldn't have happened then.  Or that I shouldn't hold Nick's hand in public because it might make some people uncomfortable.  And I guess there is a difference between holding hands and sucking face.

I don't know.  What does anyone else think?

More Contemplating on Weeds and Wheat

I have recently "defriended" two people that I have known for almost 10 years from Facebook.  This act has shaken me and I still feel saddened by it almost a week later.

It wan't just one thing that caused this break, it has been in the works for a while.  One of these people is responsible for the "Letter to a Friend" post of a month ago.  And the other is his wife.  There had been growing stress as the ideological differences between us became more and more pronounced.  But the final straw was when I wished people "Happy Bastille Day" and was attacked for celebrating a bloody governmental overthrow.  When I can't even  wish people a happy national celebration, well, things have gone too far.  I am not going to ever change France and its holidays, so why should I even try.

It is not that these people have different political philosophies than I do.  I have very good friends that are dyed in the wool Republicans and a friend from college who is the personal assistant to a Republican Presidential Candidate.  (The one whose third wife happens to like expensive jewelry.)  And we manage to be respectful of each other's opinions and stay on friendly terms with each other.  We do not fire pot-shots over the bow.

I think it has become acceptable to be rude in society.  I don't like it.  People only seem to be worried about themselves.  "As long as I am having a good time, to Hell with you all!"  This takes the form of profanity screamed into a phone in public.  Firecrackers lit in public places.  Road Rage.  Congresspeople yelling at the President.  I might even go so far as the whole "Sagging" thing.  (I really don't want to see your underwear-covered butt at the mall.  And it makes you look deformed.)

Whatever happened to manners?  What ever happened to the concept of being polite?  It really does help to keep society civil.  When a comment such as "Happy Holidays!" is met with anger or snarkiness, there is definitely a problem with people.  When an act of kindness is met with scorn, I see a society in decline.

Ho Humm...

Maybe it is the summer doldrums.

We are half-way through the time from when my previous church closed until the time the next possible call could come around.  And quite frankly, it is getting long.  I am one of those people who tends to "futz" over things.  And having all of this time has allowed me to futz with abandon.

Why am I doing this?
Why does it seem like others always do better?
Why does it seem like things always work for others?

I know, I am falling into the "Why" trap.  "Why" generally never solves anything.  It is what it is and part of life is just learning how to deal with what is.  But when I look at what life has been, all that comes to mind is "Why??"

Life is nothing like I had imagined.  By this point in my life, I was supposed to be firmly ensconced in the career-path of my choice.  I was supposed to have a house, wife, kids.  I was supposed to be out tinkering in the garage and  trimming the yard.

I was reading an article about a couple of gay pastors and the article was gushing about how wonderful these people are doing.  Yes, I am happy for them, but it seems that the only stories that are published are the stories about the "successful gays."  But what about the others?  What about us who are struggling because of the stupidity and prejudice of others?  What about those of us who don't have people rushing to give us the teaching jobs, the emerging churches?  What about those of us who have gotten hit by the tsunami of fear and bigotry and are just trying to keep our heads above water?  The articles want to put a happy face on the situation, but there are still people who have been hurt by the church and just rushing to the poster children isn't going to fix that.

I started this about 5 hours ago and have left it alone for a while.  Kind of lost my steam.  But this still makes me angry; just because the rule has changed doesn't mean everything is now ok.

I don't get it...

Can someone please explain to me how we can accuse public school teachers of making too much money while we give billionaires "house" depreciation on their yachts?

How can we cut medicare while allowing billionaires to take 7 year depreciation on their jets?

How we can give tax cuts to industries that ship jobs overseas?

Why people would rather shut down the economy of the US rather than asking the richest of the rich to give a little more?

I am confused.

Pat Buchanan was complaining about how 51% of Americans don't pay taxes.  (This was shot down, thankfully!)  Harold Ford Jr. gave the answer I would give:  If you don't like your tax bracket, switch with one of us!  I know I would gladly deal with cutting the staff on one of my homes in order to pay more to help the country.

But I am just a barbarian gay pervert who couldn't possibly love Jesus.

Futzing in the Dark

How did life get to this point?  Am I really as big of a baby as my sister said I was?  Why should I associate with these people who only seem to cause me distress?  I know that cut-off is not a good thing, but is interaction with disrespect better?

When I wanted to share that Nick and I might get married due to the change in Iowa laws, did we find joy in my family?  No.  I was told, "You will kill Dad."  Not that Nick has never raised his voice to me, never struck me, never cheated on me, nor ever needed treatment for drug addiction.  No, my siblings' spouses, all of whom have fulfilled these criteria are met with open arms and lavish parties.  When I want to share my joy, I am told that I will kill Dad.

When my world is collapsing and I am losing all visible means of support.  When it looks like we will have to move and have to worry about paying bills.  When it looks like the only way to keep our heads above water is to spend a couple of months in my folks basement as Nick and I search for new calls, is this ok?  No, it will kill Dad.

My siblings are very fond of telling me that whatever I do, whether good or not so good, is going to kill Dad.  I have to wonder if "Going to kill Dad" is actually code for "We don't want you in our lives"?

There was no concern as to why we needed to move into mom and dad's basement, just that it was going to kill dad.  No thought that maybe a 46 year-old and a 62 year-old might not really relish the thought of living in the basement.  No help with possible other ideas.  Just the tirade of my lack of consideration and the "fact" that it will "kill dad."

So after being told by all three siblings on my voice mail that I am selfish and inconsiderate, I choose to tell them (not on voice mail) that I will be removing myself from their lives, I am called childish and that all I do is pop into their lives and then leave.  Do they not remember that I live about 400 miles away?  Am I supposed to move there so we can "bond?"

I guess it is good that one cannot wish oneself away.  Or maybe it would be a good thing.  IDK.  I do know that I am stronger than I had ever though because as soon as I feel like I am about to implode, something else seems to come along and up the ante.

Sorry about the rant, just seems like the head moves faster at night.

Ok, I want to get off the ride now...

Just heard from the Bishop's office, there is no severance.  There are no places here that I would be appropriate.  I will get a good review, but I have to go out and find that call!

So, after getting bashed, berated, slandered, and generally attacked, I get to put on a happy face and start asking for a job.  No severance, no unemployment.  "Thanks and didn't you have somewhere to go in the morning?"

If I had known this, I would have worn a cup.

A Bit of a Rant (or something)

(A bit of the same old, same old.  If you are getting tired of it (as I am) move one, there is nothing to see here.)

Well, as I said, vacation was a great thing.  Unfortunately, we have to return to the real world.  So I am back in the real world and I am not so happy about that.

I know that searching for "happy" does not make one happy, but is it really a bad thing to want to be happy more than one is unhappy?

I got back to the church only to hear that one of the council members, the one that has missed the Annual Meeting and the council meeting before that, and is also a friend of the Former Secretary, was in church when I was not there and was maligning me when I could not defend myself.  Then, of course, she was not at the regularly scheduled council meeting.

At the meeting, we found out that we may be broke by April.  So we have a member of council having a snit while the church she supposedly "loves" is going down the tubes and she can't get over things enough to come and try to save it??  I am confused.

Maybe I get in my own way, but I have to stop and think:  Why does it seem that the places I get called to are in crisis?  I look and see that the common denominator is me.  I have to wonder if I am appropriate for this life-path.  I always feel like I just want to pitch the whole thing and do something else, but when I look for what else, I can't seem to find anything.

All modesty aside, I am a bright guy.  It just seems like I have painted myself into a career corner and now I cannot get out.  At this time in my life, I should be nicely ensconced in a thriving church and having a wonderful time.  That is all I want.  I want to have a great time with my congregation reveling in the love of God.  Why does it have to be so difficult.

Again, I have to wonder if every time I get into a church I get frustrated; is this what I should be doing?  I can do stained glass, sort of, but not enough to make a living at it.  We can not live off of Nick's earnings so I could go back to school.  (Again!)  But I am frustrated.

I just sit in the living room and sink deeper and deeper into despair.  Am I trying to force something that I should let go?  I hope I am not expecting too much from life.  I mean, I only get one shot at life, why can't it be more enjoyable?  Maybe I am just damaged like my father would tell me.  (That probably is more what is behind this.  But years of programming by my dad are not easily removed, if ever.)

I have already written one resignation letter to the congregation.  Even though I am on "Happy Pills," I still get to the point where I just want to run away from all of this and do something else.  It used to be hang out in the woods, now I can add "being a beach bum" to that list.

I keep thinking of the veterinarians who have to deal with animals who do not understand that the treatment is meant to help the animal.  The vet keeps working and loving the animal even though the animal is trying to bite.  I wish I could be that magnanimous.  I am tired of being bitten.

I read in a joke psychology journal an article about "Thanatos Therapy."  This is where you, the therapist, get so tired of hearing the patient whine about their life that you agree that life is not worth living just so the patient offs themselves.  I don't know if it is me that wants to off myself, or if I want my congregation to off itself so that I can move onto something that could be better.

The Cynic is Here!

I am feeling cynical today.  So if you don't want to hear it, then move on to another blog.  Sorry, that is just the way it is.

I so want to be a humanist.  I want to believe that we all can just be good people.  The problem is:  Just wanting that does not make it happen.  I can want people to just act like adults, but that does not stop people from acting like children.  And it seems that the children dressed as adults are so much more prevalent in the world.  Not saying that I am the paragon of maturity, but sometimes I feel downright Sagacious.

I hate watching the news anymore.  "I want my country back!"  No, you want a country that is nothing like what was planned.  You want a country where self-serving priests send down edicts from on high and no one is ever supposed to question them.  You want a country where the rights only belong to the majority and that majority will slowly (or not so slowly) get torn down to the point where only the elite have anything that might resemble rights.

Gay marriage will destroy marriage?  The Hets' are doing a pretty good job of destroying it themselves.  We don't have to do too much more, if anything.

People, pay attention to your own life and when you get that figured out, then you can stick your nose into everyone else's business.  The word for today is boundaries, let's practice the word. 

And, of course, this all comes back to, "You are just no good, Ben.  How dare you think you could ever lead these people!"  I think I have the potential to be a good leader, I just don't think I have the fortitude to do it.

We need to raise money.  Where are we going to get it?  We need to increase attendance, where are the people going to come from?  We need to reach out into the community but no one sees it as their responsibility.  We have become content to be our own little social club.  And I am sure this is not a unique situation here.

I feel like humanity is a failed experiment rushing toward explosion.  Maybe extinction would be a blessing.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

More "fun time" with Stage Mom and Miss Diva!

The letter I would like to send.  (Beware, totally snarky!)

Stage Mom,




I am writing this because I am at a loss.



First off, I am at a loss for the anger that I feel is being directed toward me. I have to assume that this anger is displaced because we really do not know each other well enough for the amount that is present.



You say I have not done enough to be pastoral. In what manner? What do you want me to do? I will not do therapy, I am your priest, not your therapist. I can be supportive of you during the process, but it would be inappropriate for me to offer to do therapy.



You say I ignored your mother when she had surgery. Your mother did not say anything to me. If she is upset, I wish she would say something. If I also remember right, this was right between Palm Sunday and Easter. I was living in Lansing at that time. I think I did offer to visit. I don’t remember. However, this feels like an attempt to find something to be angry about and this incident provides a way of channeling your anger toward me.



I feel it is important for the children to be in worship. Children add to the worship of the congregation and it is our duty, as Christians, to help each other grow. Miss Diva using the excuse that she doesn’t get anything out of worship is a strawman argument in that she has not been present in enough services to make that decision. Also, from you words and attitude and her words and attitude, it would not make any difference what I preach. I get the distinct impression that you consider Miss Diva to be more advanced than I. That is ok, you can believe that. But that doesn’t mean that I have to change the church to make her happy.



I am sorry, but nothing I do can make you happy. There are too many other things going on in your life and until you deal with that, you are going to keep blaming others for your unhappiness. If you get rid of me, then what? You will not be pleased with the next priest either, I can guarantee that! No one is going to live up to the secret agenda you have. And since no one can live up to it, what good does it do?



You told Senior Warden that pastoral care has been absent here for four years. I have only been here 3 months. I AM NOT THE ONE WHO YOU ARE ANGRY WITH!



Do you realize that in saying that I should meet with your daughter outside the church because she is very possessive of the church and will fight me about it, you are giving her tacit permission to be a bully? You are telling her that she just has to beat, or browbeat, people until she gets what she wants. This is what passes for parenting these days?



And you really cannot be surprised that I retracted the offer to have Miss Diva preach. You acted like you got shocked when I said that I would be working with her to write a sermon. Did you think I was just going to let her go? Especially after the display she put on? But then again, you seemed to enjoy it. The “apologize to Fr. Ben” was a nice touch. But WAYYYYY too late. And the smug, “I told you she would be upset,” let me know that you have no respect for me.



You say that I don’t show you any respect! I would never let my child give you a dressing down in public. My child would be treating you with respect and dignity.  If you want respect, you, AND YOUR CHILD, need to be willing to give it.

"Fr., I am having a hard time paying my bills..."

I HATE THESE TYPES OF PHONE CALLS!!!

Ok, got that off my chest.

I really hate it when I get phone calls asking for money.  Especially when, to the person, it IS a pastoral emergency.  I used to have people who would call right after the food pantry would close and want food for the weekend.  And then there are the people who are "stuck" in a motel and have no money to pay for the room they were staying in for the past three days.  There are also the ones who can't seem to understand that I DON'T have money to give them, even after telling them that I do not have a discretionary fund.

I also hate when you suggest something like calling 211, and the person asks what it is and then says they called it.  If they didn't know what it was, how could they have called it?

I would love to be able to give something to all the people who call, but when does helping become enabling?

Why Am I Doing This?

Why am I saying anything about the Health Care Bill? Am I a glutton for punishment? What can I add to the conversation that has not been screamed from television sets and headlines? Possibly nothing.

But...

I guess being the psych person that I am, I am going to wade into the mess anyway. I am not going to say anything about the bill, itself; I don't know enough. But what I will talk about is the behavior I am seeing surrounding the bill.

I am so frustrated with our system of governance right now that I really want to move to a different country. We all realize that our health care system needs help but the career politicians are so busy worrying about what Fox News is going to say that they can't do anything. The Republicans look silly because they could not do anything that would resemble compromise without having Glen Beck shrilly screaming about how they have turned traitor to the American people.

Then we hear the Republicans saying that they were not part of the process. THEY HAD EIGHT YEARS TO DO SOMETHING AND THEY DIDN'T! And whenever anything was proposed, the assumed answer was "No." It doesn't matter if it was a good answer or even one that the Republicans had suggested in the past, it was summarily rejected. That is so childish!

I am not saying that the Democrats are sinless in this process either. Both sides have their problems. But from my point of view, it just seemed like the Republicans were acting like spoiled children (or fundamentalists!) who didn't get their way so now they were going to do EVERYTHING in their power to halt the system. Doesn't matter that they were elected to help the people. They appear to believe that they were elected to advance their own careers.

And what is up with Newt Gingrich? Civil Rights destroyed the Democrats? Do we really want to go back to a time before civil rights? Possibly if we are an old white guy.  (With a trophy wife, long live sanctity of marriage!)  And he is using that argument to say that the Health Care Bill is bad?  I don't get it.

Our law makers have gotten so out of touch with what is reality in peoples' daily lives.  Previously, I could afford insurance, but then I could not afford the co-pays.  If I really needed something, it was off to the ER, and that is sooooo cost effective to the country.  My costs were eventually paid by the insurance companies anyway.  Hospitals just passed it on to the people with insurance.  And I guess for some people, that was ok.  But instead of ignoring the problem, isn't it better to call it want it is and FIX IT?

This rant was brought to you today by the American Government System!

Growing Old VS Growing Up

*Some members of family (not Family) may want to skip this as they may be offended.*

In life, becoming old happens, becoming mature takes work. I have seen this adage at work over the past week. I have seen that chronological age has nothing to do with mental age. I know this should be obvious, but some times I need to have the obvious pointed out to me.

The first case has to due with "The Ex." This would be Nick's ex-wife. A LOVELY woman. (please hear dripping sarcasm.) In the short time that I was privileged to be in her presence, I realized she a)is a vile woman; b) has not gotten over Nick; or c) both. She took any opportunity to berate Nick. Of course this was done as "just a joke" but we all know that humor is the last refuge of the passive-aggressive.

I can not fathom how one person could use the situation of another person's parent's death to reopen old wounds and try to prove just how much better that one person is. After 30 years, you would think that proving "I am better than you" would be a hollow victory. And to do this during a funeral is one of the most childish things I have encountered.

I would like to think that people are more noble than this, especially people who work in the health care field.

The other incident involves the Flaming Twink from work.

I get info that there is something afoot with the Twink when the boss asks me if I have taken all of my breaks before the Twink is supposed to get to work. I normally would have one more break to take after he would arrive, so by making sure I had all my breaks in clued me that I would be working alone. (Now what is totally ironic about this whole thing is that The Twink called saying he would be late for work and wanted me to punch him in so he would not be late and not lose his job. Of course, I said, "No.")

Well, The Twink came zooming through and then went home. Later when closer came in, I told her that she would be closing alone. I also said that The Twink should not be surprised by the suspension. (He said himself that his job was in jeopardy.)

Later, I find this on Facebook: " I guess 'had it coming to him' well ] not to name names but your a two faced jerk with no way out. So guess who's life sucks more...I'll wager it's not mine." I know this is coming from a childish 19 year-old, but it still stung. And I didn't say he "had it coming to him." (Which actually he did, but that is another story.)

Has Facebook become the refuge of the passive-aggressive? By posting on FB, he does not have to take responsibility? He didn't defriend me so he must have figured I would see the post. Do we not teach personal accountability and respect.

Oh well, with people like The Ex around raising children, I am not surprised we get people like The Twink. (No, they are not related.)

**Added Later***

Perhaps I am as childish as The Twink by posting this. Perhaps by not contacting The Ex directly, I am being just as immature. I don't know. What I would say as rational, I do not want to have a relationship with this woman and hope to never encounter her again. IDK.

Ranting at Life

*This is a pitty-party rant.  You may want to skip it. *

I have truly been having difficulty with work lately.

As many of you who are readers of my blog know, I am very introverted. But as you also know, I am in very extroverted jobs. This causes some problems! One of the biggest problems is that I have a difficult time finding space to regroup and re-energize.

This is especially a problem at BUX. We are a licensed store, not a corporate store. And we are in a very confined space. And while I am at work, I am confined to this space with my coworkers and with the people who are coming to get coffee. There is really no way to get away from it.

Now, in the very introverted, when the threshold of stimulation has been reached, any more stimulation becomes VERY uncomfortable. (Common guys, you know what I am talking about!)  The problem at work is trying to find ways to allow the stimulation to abate.

Then I also work with two VERY (I might even say PAINFULLY) extroverted.  The one is the twink I talked about before. The other is the (I would bet BIG money that he is closeted) Lead Barista who has an ego that is so big that it will not allow anyone near.  Everything that happens has to be tied back to him.  (Said to a customer:  "That cookie isn't nearly as sweet as me."  Or "This drink is filled with Hossiness!" (His name is "Hoss"))  He also is constantly referring to himself in the third-person.

Now, I am sure to most of the customers, this is nothing.  But putting up with this for eight hours a day gets to be a bit much.  And being introverted and having to deal with this is psychically painful.  As I said, most people who come into the store probably do not understand what the problem would be.  Hoss seems like a nice guy and seems like he would be the life of the party.  But for me, the repetitive jokes and the "patter" gets really tiresome.

It has gotten to the point where thinking of working at Bux leads to an anxiety attacks.  And although it may sound like I am being a drama queen, the coffee shop has begun to feel like an attack.  I become frustrated and anxious just thinking about it.

Unfortunately, weekends do not provide a respite, either.  Most weekends are spent preparing a sermon, preparing Sunday worship, doing Sunday worship, and going with Nick to his Sunday Worship.  Oh, did I forget the 200 mile round trip journey in all of this?

I am not complaining about traveling with Nick, I enjoy hearing him preach and I enjoy the people in the congregation.  I also want to be along to provide Nick with some company during the trip because it is a long trip for him too.  But it just become more things to do and no time to regroup.

I also do not know where the whole church thing is going.  We are holding, but not growing.  I have been told that things are going well, but I still have bills that are not getting paid.  I want to trust in God, but I am getting tired of waiting.  I need to get people to go out and bring in new members, or give more money, or both!!  But that is not happening.

I have now spent about 5 hours doing NOTHING and feel guilty about it.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I also know that I should be looking for a different job.

And so the anxiety continues.

*End of rant*

"Liar"

I cannot believe we have gotten to the point where someone would actually call the President "liar" during an address to the congress. But he apologized. Aw, how nice.

Maybe we need to just say "please" and we will get the health care we need. "Oh, please quit hoarding finances into your (how many homes do you have Mr. McCain?) homes and help those who cannot afford to even stay alive! (Hyperbole, I know.)

Other things that have been happening have been problems at work (surprise, surprise!). I guess I am getting close to getting fired because of being back late from breaks and lunch. Not way long, just two minutes late. Really, I have ten years of college and I have to be careful of being two minutes late from a break! I should follow the example of the Lead Barista and just roam around while on the clock. I did not get a break on Tuesday because the management scheduled things so there would have been a new person alone. This person had no experience and could not run the cash register. It is ok that I get no breaks, but I come back late and I get in trouble. And the meeting to "council" me takes longer than two minutes anyway!

Oh well...

Piss and Moan.

Double Speak

I just wish people would say what they mean.

I had a situation where someone in my congregation was going to have gall bladder surgery. It was going to be laproscopic surgery and she was going to be outpatient surgery. When she mentioned it, she downplayed the whole thing. I mentioned something to her on Sunday after service that I hope all goes well and to get in touch with me if there is any need. (I am only quarter-time, and she was not making it sound like it was anything big.)

On Thursday, at the vestry meeting, her husband, who is the senior warden of the vestry, said that she was upset that I didn't say anything during the service. In my year at this church, I have never had a special prayer for a person having surgery. Not that it couldn't be done, it just hasn't been in the past.

Suddenly, I am getting "OMG" things from the archdeacon who can't believe that I would "forget" this lady. Remember, this lady downplayed the whole surgery thing and didn't ask that I come to see her before the surgery.

Then I hear, "You need to work on 'connecting' with people" from the senior warden. And when I call the senior warden's wife to see how she is doing, she also says I need to "connect with people."

Huh?

I see people on Sundays and when I run into them in town. I am only quarter time. I don't know what else I should be doing. These people made no effort of inviting me over to their home or finging opportunities to connect. But because I did not do something that they thought that I should, then I was not "connecting."

Please people, be kind to your clergy. They are humans trying to do the best they can. They are not psychic: if you don't tell them, they don't know. They have lives and troubles. They DON'T have "the pastor" to talk to because they ARE the pastor. You are NOT the main focus of their life. They care about you, but there are also things that happen in their lives too.

Family Homophobia

Well, my charmed homo existence has come to an end.

I seemed to have had the family that most dream of. I came out to them with little or no repercussions. Nick and I went to stay at my parents' house last summer and were allowed to stay in the room in the basement with no problems. As I said, I seemed to have the dream coming out.

But all of that seems to have changed.

I called my oldest sister to discuss a possible wedding since Iowa is more enlightened than the rest of the country, and since my family lives there, I thought it would be nice to share this my family. She seemed strangely distant when I told her but I didn't really put much more thought into it. My sister has always been supportive of me and has always been kind to Nick.

Then the next day, I got a call from my sister. She told me that she thought if I got married, it would kill my dad. That I would be upset when no one showed up at the wedding. And how dare I come there, stir things up, and then leave her to deal with the aftermath.

My sister had never made me feel ashamed before. But at that moment, I was devastated. I was not trying to rabble rouse, I just wanted to share a wonderful part of my life with my family. Was she implying that I should wait until Dad died? I know that people can't hurt us unless we let them, but that really hurt me. I trusted my sister. I feel possibly irreparable damage has been done to our relationship.

I really want to just cut my family off and go on with my life. I know that is not healthy, but ...

My sister married a guy who was a drug addict and was cheating on her. She now lives with a guy even though she claims to be Roman Catholic.

My brother is married to "the nicest manipulative bitch" I have ever met. She does nothing to raise the kids because she is off partying. She won't even visit my parents when my brother comes over.

My other sister married an abusive alcoholic who committed suicide. Then married another good old boy who made us delay the wedding so he could finish his beer.

And me wanting to marry the man I love would kill my father? Oy Vey!