Happy National Coming Out Day!

Come on out! The weather is fine!

Adolescence Revisited

What I have been finding interesting lately is the experience of going through what feels like a second adolescence. I find myself in situations where I feel like a hormonal teen. It is actually more than kind of uncomfortable.

Nick is wonderful and is patient with me, but still, I feel at times like my sexuality is out of control.

This whole thing is weird; I am an adult. I should have gone through all of this stuff and now here I am at 43 years old feeling like a horny teenager.

What I wonder is how do we help gay kids to go through this at the appropriate time? I know that I am experiencing it now is because it had been so buried for so long. I had been the "good boy" and put all of my feelings to the side.

Kind of a disjointed post. I am not sure why I am typing this. Maybe there are others who have felt this way. I know that the feelings are exciting, but they are also scary.

Biblical Truth vs Literal Truth

(A nice calming picture is good for everyone!)

I hope kirb doesn't mind, I am again posting his comment into another post. I think points that are brought up are worthy of more than just a comment section.

kirb said...

Actually, doc, i do happen to take everything in the Bible as "Bible truth". It seems as though you have written off the Bible in your explanation. Some of the laws were certainly written for that time in history (for example: in Matthew 19:7-8 the pharisees asked why Moses allowed divorce and Jesus answered because of the hardness of their heart, but it was not so from the beginning). Others, such as the Ten Commandments, were written for all eternity. You can not merely throw all of them out. does that make sense?

I would argue that homosexual acts are eternally forbidden based on Paul's letter to the Romans chapter 1. Here, Paul puts it in a theological context. He says that homosexual acts are the result of a darkened mind, those who have rejected God's word. They were also penalized for their perversity.


I encourage you to check out a book called "Beyond Gay". Also, i beg you to look into a group i know of called "Courage". It is for those who have been involved in homosexual activity but are now trying to live chaste lives. I agree that you have been going through some rough times and that makes this all the more important. You, as a paster, are put in a position in which it is crucial to teach the whole truth. I urge you to meditate on Romans 1, and ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit of Truth, who will "guide us into all truth" Jn 16:13 i'll keep you in my prayers constantly, as i am sure all the saints will!!

I would also like a reply.

Ok, there is a difference between "Bible truth" and "literal truth." When we get these mixed we get into trouble. "Biblical truth" - adultery is a serious problem and we need to work to preserve the sanctity of marriage. "Literal truth" - stone those caught in adultery. If you are of the assumption that "Biblical" = "Literal" truth, then our conversation is over. I can appreciate your view of the Bible, but I think using the Bible in this manner is idolatry. I know that we do not speak Greek, let alone Aramaic or Hebrew, so what we are getting in the Bible is already in translation. Even if we could go back to the "original Greek" that is still a translation from the spoken Aramaic. And each time you encounter a translation, you are encountering an interpretation.

Even in English which we both purport to speak and read, we have interpretive problems. I can type the words, "Who cares?" (And, yes, this did really happen to me.) I meant it as in, "Who cares, it is good to have it presented." What was interpreted from the words was, "Who cares, it was a stupid idea to begin with." So even when we can agree on the meaning of words, we have trouble in finding definitive "intention" to written words, even today. How much more when the words we are talking about are close to 2000 years old and from a totally different place and understanding? (And again, the translation thing comes into play.)

If you have not read the article, consider reading just pages 9-13 concerning Romans 1. There are many interpretive stumbling blocks there. To say that one interpretation or translation is definitive is hubris. If you are claiming to have "THE" interpretation, then I wish you well and live well the truth you have found. But I think God has more respect for the intelligence God has given to us all. Conversation is the tool through which the Holy Spirit moves.

Someone (for the life of me, I can't remember who) said that we bring the wrong questions to the Bible. The Bible is not a "how" book but a "why" book. So many of the places people get hung up on things is when they use the Bible for "how."

When I lived with the Bible as a "how" book, I was depressed, despondent, frustrated. I prayed to be changed. I prayed for the power to live a celibate life. I prayed to not notice that really cute guy who was kneeling at the communion rail. I prayed that no one would be in the locker room at the pool when I went to swim. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to guide me. I PRAYED! I assume you did not mean to be rude, but your comment, "I urge you to meditate on Romans 1, and ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit of Truth, who will 'guide us into all truth'" is one of the rudest things a person can say to another. As I said, I DID pray for guidance. I prayed for guidance and was lead to a therapist, a supportive community, a supportive family, and a wonderful partner. I believe the guidance and truth I sought was found in my partner, Nick. (A pastor also.) Maybe it is you that needs to pray for the truth of the Holy Spirit?

All who use the comment about praying for the truth seem to think that they have already received the truth. Then they say that those who disagree with them will continue to badger them until the badgerers (is that a word?) get what they want. What never seems to enter the mind is that maybe the badgerers are the ones who have the truth of the Holy Spirit. The "church people" of Jesus time did not want to hear the message of Jesus and his followers. I believe they were good people who were trying to do what was good. They followed their scriptures in the way they had learned and had been told. Even when the ultimate "New Interpretation" of the word was in their midst, Christ himself, they did not see it. God is still at work in the world. Revelation did not end with John.

Even God "changes." (I am not going to look up all the chapters and verses because that would make blogging too much like work.) God presents to Peter clean and unclean food and tells Peter to eat it (Acts 10:9-16, I know, I looked up the verse, I lied!!) God says not to call unclean what God has called clean. I have been called. This has been shown repeatedly by various communities of faith. Even with my "gay persona" faith communities have looked to me as a leader. If God has called me to be a leader, why should there be those who say I am "unclean?"

I am sure as you read this, you could envision me as all "wild-eyed" and ranting, but I assure you, I am very calm. Please read it with that tone running through your head. (I almost typed "heart" instead of "head." A Freudian slip of the best kind!) Have calmness running through your heart, too! This post could be used as an example of how the written word could be misinterpreted and how our initial expectations can cloud how we read and interpret. We need to be careful when we make definitive judgement of written words.

I guess this was more testimony than academic, but, hey, the Holy Spirit seemed to be directing me in that direction.

Peace, Kirb.

Response to Kirb

A person who goes by the name of "Kirb" left a comment on a post from a while back.

hello, doc so i was just wondering how you can justify homosexuality in the Bible. due to the fact that you are a protestant and all your beliefs come from the Bible alone, i would like a Biblical explanation of homosexuality. Also i have recently spoken with a lutheran [sic] who says Pastors are not allowed to express homosexuality and that the stand of the Lutheran church is No gay pastors.
One thing that scares me about your whole situation described above is your willingness to throw God out on a whim when you are merely going through one tough time. i would hope that all the preists [sic] who guide me, although they are not homosexuals, would not let hard times effect their faith.

This is the same post someone else decided to post a critique of my ability to deal with life. I find that interesting.

My answer to the first question, how do I justify homosexuality? Well, there are plenty who are far more eloquent than I and whom have taught many lectures I sat through, who have addressed this question. Of course, if you approach the subject from the prospective that the "question" of homosexuality has been absolutely and definitively answered, then these essays will not change your perspective. If, Kirb, you truly want to learn, read the material from the perspective that the Holy Spirit could be working in our world today and God is not done with educating us.

A quick, off the cuff, answer is, "We don't take everything in the Bible as "Bible Truth" (stoning adulterers, silencing women) why are these six verses lifted up for special consideration? While I was in seminary, there were people who were divorced, there were people had tattoos, there were even people going to Red Lobster and wearing blended material! And although these are things that are prohibited by the Bible, there was no problem with ordaining them. But if, as this past week's lectionary states, you will know the tree by the fruit, the fruit of the spirit I see in many GLBT people far exceeds that which I see from hateful fundamentalist churches.

To address your questioning of a leader who can question the existence of God. Well, from what I can see, I am in good company. John of the Cross, Mother Teresa, Henri Nouwen, Thomas Merton, and even David in the Psalms, have their moments of doubts. If you have read any other parts of my blog, you would see that things in my life have been quite difficult. I do not consider that I was "throw God out on a whim when [I was] merely going through one tough time." Well, if you consider the prospect of losing my job, my home, my car, my friends, my family, and my whole self-identity as one tough time, then I guess I am spiritually weak. But if you would have read, you would have seen that my whole basis of self-identification and every facet of my life were about to change. I was feeling that if I weren't gay this wouldn't be a problem. I was feeling that I had gone through a ton of self-deception to try to convince myself that I was not gay. I keep hearing that all that I have to do is pray and trust and God will deliver me. I have prayed and trusted but God did not deliver me. So either God did not exist or God was some kind of sadist that enjoyed my suffering. It was actually easier to assume God did not exist than to believe that the God who created me and the world wanted me live in loneliness and despair.

Now, if you think that I should have remained depressed and despairing and believing God was purposely not answering my prayers, and just "shut up and believe," well... All I know, is I would not have been good to anyone until I could come to terms with God. Thank God for the billboard! It is through our struggles that we are able to help others. If this were not so, support groups would not exist.

Thanks for your comment, Kirb! I truly mean that! Please look around and ask more questions!

Peace

Self Definition

I have been thinking about the whole concept of self-definition; you know, how we describe ourselves to ourselves. I would have to say that his is different than how we describe ourselves to others. This is our basis for how we function in the world.

Ur-Spo had mentioned in his post about how there are times when a therapist will help someone with a problem, but instead of being thankful for having that "something" gone, the person is upset or even angry. Some had theorized about the person having to admit to a problem or some other things. I think it has to do with the person's self-definition.

If a person has a self-definition as a pathetic mess, that becomes the basis for that person's life. Everything the person does comes from the framework of "pathetic mess." Even though the person may define themselves to the world as competent, to the person, he or she is still a pathetic mess.

To try and help that person change that definition can be the cause of stress. The person may understand how being a pathetic mess is pulling him down, but it is still too scary to abandon that definition. A whole lifetime had been spent on maintaining that definition and creating a life with that definition. To take that definition away means that a whole new set of behaviors need to be learned. Either that or the old behaviors need to be modified. And learning or adapting behaviors feels uncomfortable; uncomfortable and it takes a higher level of energy than just doing "what comes naturally."

I think when I was "hetero," that was the self-definition I wanted to truly believe. I didn't want to give it up. Even though I knew I was not hetero, I was not going to give up the definition and the dream. It took much work to change the definition. It took such things as actually looking in the mirror and saying, "You are gay. You are a homosexual." I had to work to change that self-definition. I had to learn new behaviors. I had to adapt. It was not easy.

Now, I am dealing with changing another self-definition. I am trying to change from a Lutheran pastor to an Episcopalian priest. I know that being able to quickly make the transition would make life so much easier, but then I would have to change all the things I had learned. It feels uncomfortable and it takes a lot of energy. If I could go back to being a Lutheran, at this moment, I would. I know that I will probably be better off as an Episcopalian, but right now, I have difficulty in thanking those who are moving me along this path.

I had to tell the rector that is working with me that I do deeply appreciate her help. Even though at times I may not seem appreciative, I am. I am just fighting an internal battle that will take time. Eventually, the self-definition will change and life will go on. But until then, it is difficult.

Happy Coming Out Day!

Sometimes I feel like I am preaching to the choir here. The question is how do we get the message out to the people who need hear? How do we let the people at Exodus know that although they think they are helping people, they are just creating more problems? I don't know.

Happy Coming Out Day! We are children of God and we are loved!!

Gearing up for the "Big Move"

It seems like this move has been going on forever, and ye gentle readers are probably getting sick of hearing about it. I don't know if it would have been better to just move the whole thing in one swell foop or if it was better to do it in little steps as we have been doing it. Well, either way, we rent the truck tomorrow and move the couch, bed, dressers, coffee table, and other assorted crap.

It is amazing the things that accumulate. Nick has had a more mobile life and seems to be able to let go of thing easier than I do. I tend to want to hang on to the memories and feel a sense of betrayal in getting rid of some things. But I am getting better at realizing that getting rid of things is not getting rid of memories nor is it getting rid of the people who are part of those memories.



I will miss living in this house. I fell in love with this house when I first stepped foot in it. Now it has been stripped and it is becoming increasingly empty. There are big gaping holes of nothingness where tables and furniture used to be. The computer is going today and the (very heavy!) television went Tuesday. Here we have "before" and "after" shots.

Sometimes I feel so childish. Here I am, a 42-year-old man, moved to tears because I have to move. If this were a happy move with something to look forward to, then maybe I would be more joyous. As for now, it just seems to reinforce the feelings of anger and frustration.

And it also seems that every interaction I have with the church becomes one of pain. Going to meetings reminds me how I am an outsider and supply preaching reminds me of how I am sitting fallow.

There are clergy who are getting headlines for their struggles. But there are also us, the ones who are quietly fighting in the trenches. Maybe I should have become a poster child. Maybe I shouldn't have left quietly. I guess I can second guess myself until forever, it is not going to change what already is.

Of course, in the midst of all of this, we cannot be without drama. A watch that I received as an ordination gift needed batteries. Doesn't sound like much, huh? Until you realize that it costs $50 to replace the batteries. Then the watch still doesn't work. So off to get that looked at and possibly another $70 in cleaning. I would hate to get rid of it, it is my "Fire and Brimstone" watch. The background has dancing flames on it. My friend told me to look at it and remember to "Give 'em Hell!" I don't thing Fossil makes them anymore.

Then I take my truck to see why the brakes are making noise. (Actually, I knew why they were making noise, I was just hoping I could get the brakes fixed for a couple hundred.) Well make that over $500! It seems like there is no way of getting a break.

The Move Begins

Well, it starts. We have signed the lease to our new apartment and have started the moving process. (I guess you could call it moving, it often brings tears to my eyes.) Nick explains the whole thing about the contract. I kind of felt weird about it but we really didn't have any other options.

As Nick said, there was a chair that decided to jump out of the bed of the pick-up while I was driving down the interstate. I was in the middle of town so I was very lucky that the chair didn't hit another car and cause an accident.
Here you can see where the chair got scratched up and where the material got some road rash.
Here is where the wheel got dinged.
Here is where the arm got scratched. Again, not bad considering.

And here we have the car tag for the parking. Notice what the number is? Oy Vey!

Signing the contract was difficult for me. This apartment seems to be a constant reminder of all the dreams that I have had that are coming crashing down around me. As Nick said, it is punitively expensive to break the lease. That means that dreams of a call in the near future will have to stay that, just dreams.

And then there is the whole moving out of the house thing. This was my first house. I had come to the conclusion that I was probably never going to get married so I went house hunting, furniture shopping,and even bought Fiestaware because I would never have a wedding to get china as presents. In buying the house, I was saying to the world, "I am adult." Now my dream house is going away. This isn't the way it was supposed to happen.

I got a phone call from my former colleague while taking some furniture to the apartment. He said he had heard that I had lost my house and was moving into an apartment. He said he felt kind of guilty about the all the stuff I am going through. I wanted to yell into the receiver, "YOU SHOULD!" But I didn't. I did tell him that often it is difficult to believe that God is in this process and I often get discouraged. Hopefully the next time the whole sexuality thing comes around, people will realize that they are dealing with real people with real lives, not just some hypothetical "gay pastor."

Tomorrow I preach at one local Episcopal churches and then Nick and I are heading up to the Mackinac Bridge for the annual Bridge Walk. There should be a whole bunch of people walking this year as it is the 50th anniversary of the bridge. The whole bridge is just under five miles long. It is actually pretty cool. (In both senses of the word!) While in the middle of the bridge, you are over 200 feet above the water and it gets pretty windy there. This will be the second time I have walked it.

The Whilrwind Continues

You are all probalby hearing me whine about what is going on in my life. Well, sorry. But I guess that is what blogs are for.

The past week or so has been quite tiring. As I said, I went to the ELCA Biennial meeting. I thought it was funny that I never went when I was a Lutheran. But now that I am an Episcopalian, there I am at the assembly. Realizing that I was not part of the "in group" was difficult. I really think I am a Lutheran at heart.

I preached this past Sunday, the last of four Sundays at the same congregation. The amount of affirmation I received was overwhelming. Now I am not one who is out looking for "signs from God" in every little thing that happens, but feeling of accomplishment and the outpouring of support really seemed to affirm my call to the church. But then I keep thinking, "I am being affirmed, but where is the call?" And I get frustrated.

HOWEVER...I do have an interview next Tues. for the chaplain position. And I guess I should not question a possible call. A congregation can come in all forms.

A year ago yesterday was my last day at my former congregation. Time flies

Martin Luther Would Still Be Trying To Post The 95 Theses

This post is not about The Bloated Goat but Nick and I had lunch there just becuase it was the wildest name for a bar that I have ever encountered. And it was pretty much what a dive bar should be. We went there, had lunch, left, and smelled of smoke the rest of the day.

What I really wanted to talk about is the ELCA decision of Saturday. The decision was that bishops wouldn't go after pastors in comitted same-sex relationships. It didn't toss the stupid rule that causes the problem, it is just telling bishops to ignore it.

Now some people are calling it a great step forward, and I guess we need to celebrate accomplishments. But I really have some problems with it. It still is creating a kind of "don't ask, don't tell." Pastors can be more open, but there is still a feeling that this is something that has to be hidden and something to be ashamed of.

This is all so anti-Lutheran. Luther was a man of action. He saw a problem and did something about it. If he were around today, the 95 theses would never have gotten posted to the Navy Pier doors. We would be sending it to the various and assorted committees makeing sure everything was ok. Maybe the Pope would be offended. The Jesuits may get angry and split off from the church. Maybe Nuns would want to marry their goats and priests their alterboys. We better not do anything let Luther do anything.

Yes, Luther posted the theses. And yes! The church split! IT NEEDED TO! Maybe the ELCA needs to leave the ones who want to revert to a law driven spirituality wallow in their laws and continue to move the rest of the church forward.

I am saddened by the actions of the ELCA. I feel the people caved in to fear. They were afraid action would split the church. I am afraid lack of action will cause a split.

Community

I think one of the things I realized about myself in going to the Churchwide assembly is that I miss having a community. As a pastor, I had a congregation and a group of colleagues. When I left, I lost my congregation, and my colleagues and not being a native of Michigan, I also really didn't have any friends nearby. I then became Episcopal, but still do not feel like like I belong. I kind of feel like a gate-crasher at the prom.



But being at the assembly, I saw people who I knew and with whom I had a past. I saw people who knew me before I was gay (Well, you know what I mean) and before I was a pastor. It was a reminder of that past life.



I met some very courageous people. In some ways, when I look at them, I feel like I took the "easy way" out by not staying and fighting. But I also realize that I did what I felt I needed to do and I there are no "do-overs" in life. So I need to just keep moving forward and helping others when possible.



What is scaring me is that whole loss of community feeling. I am no longer a Lutheran (at least in name) and I really don't feel like an Episcopalian. Being in this limnial state is very uncomfortable for me. I feel like I have no direction; like a ship's captain stuck in the Doldrums. And what is also unsettling is I don't see this ending.

Oh well, off to write a sermon for this weekend.

Go out and be the change you want to see in the world.

Oh, how could I forget! Thank you all, my online community, you mean a great deal to me! You have helped me in so many ways!

ELCA Churchwide Assembly in Chicago

I decided to go to Chicago yesterday. "Why?" you may ask. I went to Chicago to be a presence during the ELCA Churchwide assembly. The assembly is going to consider the question of whether to allow partnered gay clergy to openly lead congregations. I was part of over 30 clergy that were present and of over 80 clergy in a devotional book.

The assembly is being held on Navy Pier. I had not been there since the big revamp of the place. It was really quite cool. The weather was damp so the skyline was a bit obscured.

Every so often the sun would break through the clouds and shine on the lighthouse in the bay. It was cool.



Within the building on Navy Pier, there is a permanent installation of stained glass. Of course I was in heaven. The one here is a glass Christmas mosaic. There were also many Tiffany windows and some Arts and Crafts windows. Definitely worth a check. (Click on the picture to see the detail. I am so envious!)

There was a worship service sponsored by Goodsoil. Two years ago, there were approx. 350 people at the service, this year there was over 650! The ELCA is going to change, the question is just when.

On the way home. I stopped in to see Morgen from It's a Blog Eat Blog World. I got to his shop at 9 am, his shop opens at 10 am. I probably should have hung around, but there is not a whole lot to do in Dowagiac MI for an hour. So I headed on home.

Oh the way home, I drove through the town of Climax, MI. I just thought it was too funny.

"The Book: The Foreclosure"

This whole thing with the house is really getting to me. When you buy a house, especially your first house, there are so many hopes and dreams attached to it. I know that sounds cliché, but it is true. And then to see the dreams crash is almost more than one person can bear.
I was going to do stained glass for the windows. The light in the house was going to sparkle with jewel tones. A Salvador Dali tribute window was going to be in the bedroom and a garden scene for the bathroom.
The area around the pond was going to have paver blocks that would be like quilt blocks and the pavers would be laid out like a quilt. I also wanted to put an outdoor fireplace back there and finish the pond. I also wanted to put a pump on the greenman on the garage after you rounded the corner.
Now the backyard is overgrown. Why bother to keep it up? The house is going to just sit because it won’t sell; the market is swamped. On my four block street, there are eight houses for sale.
My house was my statement of “moving on.” I figured I wasn’t going to get married so it was stupid to wait to buy a house. I wasn’t going to be getting wedding presents so I bought Fiestaware. (China is really not my speed.) I knew I would be doing my own decorating so I bought the leather sofa and chair that I wanted and the obligatory large screen TV. And antiques; lots of antiques. I was planning on creating the home of my dreams.
But now it is over. We have to start packing, not knowing where we are going to go. We have to sell stuff not knowing if we will need it later.
Why does the church that I love hate me?Some people wanted me to go to Chicago for the Churchwide assembly. They wanted me to tell my story. I don’t think I could. I think I would become too despondent. I also can’t afford the fees to get into the assembly. I feel sorry for those who stayed to fight, but in my case, I still think I did the right thing by leaving. The senior pastor was not supportive and I didn’t want to pit the congregation against each other. Maybe it is an excuse, I don’t know.

Seventh Anniversary

Well, today is the seventh anniversary of ordination. I really don't know how I feel about this. I sometimes feel like I should just pitch the whole church thing and then I get weekends like last weekend and the one before. Weekends where being in the pulpit was a pleasure and felt like home. I would take that as a sign but then there are the week days of despair. Oh well. There is another congregation on the horizon that sounds good. I sent my stuff off today. I hope to hear from them soon.

Peace to you all and hope your summer is going well.

My Own Private Hell

I keep running into things that remind me about what was happening a year ago. Because of the way the church year runs, I am dealing with the anniversaries of the writing and sending of The Letter, my final sermon, and the seventh anniversary of my ordination all at the same time.

Last year they were somewhat spread out, but this year they are all almost right on top of each other. I was going to save my sermon for this week and realized that I couldn't save it as pentecost 9 because there was already one there. When I checked what else was pentecost 9, I came face to face with the last sermon I gave to my former congregation.

A year has already passed.

There is a line from the song What About Me by a one-hit wonder band called Moving Pictures which kind of sums up what I am feeling:

And now I'm standing on the corner, all the world's gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got...

Maybe I expected too much from my leaving. Maybe I expected change that will never come. Maybe I expected affirmation that will never come. Maybe I expected justice from an unjust system.

The sermon for this Sunday is about prayer, especially the Lord's Prayer. And I will be standing in front of a group of people telling them how they need to be patient and wait on God. That God will give them what they need when they need it.

Preacher, preach to thyself!

Back In Michigan

This is Nick, Me, and my friend Beth of Betty and the Headlights.

Well, Nick and I are back in Michigan! And I am happy to say that everything went well. Not that I was expecting my parents to be all weird or anything. I mean, I probably had one of the easiest times coming out of anyone I know.



I drug Nick around to all the things I love to do when I am home. Well, actually, not all the things, some of things there just was not enough time for.


We got into town and one of the first things I did was take Nick on Rush St. Rush St. is appropriately named: You drive down one hill and then up another. As you crest the hill, all that you see is the bluffs of the Illinois side of the Mississippi which are over a mile away. You are also about 200 feet above the river below. It is kind of freaky and you want to make sure you have good brakes!





We also checked out the city from the Fenlon Street Elevator. The elevator is a cable car system that lifts you 187 feet up the bluffs at an 87 degree angle. It is fun. Also a bit scary considering the elevator is about 120 years old.







The next day, Nick and I went to The Field of Dreams. It still amazes me that the movie has been out for over 18 years and there still was a crowd of people there. I guess it was true; it was built and they are still coming!







W went to U.S. Grant's Home in Galena, IL afterward and went shopping in Galena. Galena is a great little town in Illinois. It was the town of Chisholm, MN in the movie Field of Dreams. For those who are familiar with Michigan, it is kind of like Saugatuck but not quite as gay friendly.

This picture was actually one that was owned by U.S. Grant. I thought it was wild that it depicted children smoking. We debated exactly what it was the children were smoking! In many ways, Victorian sensibilities were much different than today! A painting like this would not be tolerated today.

Various family members just happened to "drop by" to see me (and to check out Nick!). But everyone was very nice. All in all, it was a good trip! Not enough time, but is there ever enough time?

On Sunday, we went to the Dickeyville Grotto. This is something that is probably not worth a trip in its own right, but a "Don't Miss!" if you are in the area. It was built by one priest (who must have been VERY bored!) many moons ago. It is impressive, but mighty cheesy.

Oh! Mom and Dad loved the frog!

Michigan Pride

Yesterday, June 30th was Michigan Pride in Lansing. I am sorry, but none of my pictures turned out. But for the most part, it was nothing really interesting. And in my opinion, that is a good thing. Not that there is anything wrong with people who wish to dress in drag or dress any way they want. What I mean is that we are not something to be frightened of, we are just people like everyone else.

Two of the speakers at the capital were very interesting. The first was a MtoF transsexual who was fired from her position at a local university when she started her transition process. The other speaker was her wife of over 30 years. This courageous woman decided to stay with the person she loved even if it meant that her husband was about to become her wife.

Of course we had all kinds of people telling us we were damned to Hell. Nick and I wanted to stage a scene where we would hear the protesters, have a violent break-up and grab the nearest woman, throw her to the ground and proceed (to a point!) to get jiggy with her! But alas, we didn't do it.

There was a church there that was protesting the protesters! Sometimes I am not as ashamed to be called a Christian.

"The Book: Painful Flashback"

Note: This may not be one people are comfortable with. If you do not like to hear about various body mutilations, please skip this post.


I am going to jump back in time a bit here. It is part of the process and not something that I am really proud of. I could leave it out, but I think, actually I know, that I am not the only one who has gone through this. Actually, I am better off than most, I made it through the situation uninjured, but others are not so lucky.
What I am talking about is a hatred for my penis. As I type this, it sounds kind of silly, how could someone hate his penis? But I did hate it. Well actually, I think I more hated what it represented. My penis represented my struggle. I believed that if I did not have my penis, I would not have the desire to be with men. No penis = No sex. Pretty straight forward.
I became obsessed with ways to mutilate my penis. I began searching the internet for sites dealing with penile piercing, penile tattooing, and yes, even penile mutilation. This “thing” that was attached to my body I believed was the cause of all my anger, frustration, and pain. If I didn’t have it things wouldn’t be so bad. I wanted to remove it so I wouldn’t have these “nasty” desires. Somehow I made the faulty assumption that if the penis was gone or mutilated, I would not have any sexual desire. And at this point, that was what I wanted, no sexual desire at all.
I wanted no sexual desire because I could not have sexual desire without having desire for men. I did not feel guilty about masturbation, but I did feel guilty about masturbating while thinking of men. With no sexual desire, I would not have to deal with the guilt of feeling things that I knew were not bad but I still felt were sinful in my heart.
This is the legacy of the fundamentalist thought. You are told that what you are feeling is wrong and that to respond to what you are feeling is sinful. But you are never given anything other than “pray the gay away” to deal with it. Then if the feelings don’t go away, you are not given any out. If the gay doesn’t go away, then you either did not pray hard enough or God doesn’t love you. Now, the people who believe that homosexuality is a choice will say that God never stops loving you, but they act as if being gay must be a sign of some greater moral failing.
So what should I think if I pray for the right woman and none shows up? What should I think when I pray for the “evil thoughts” to be bound and banished by Jesus but they are still there? I think you can see how this could lead a person to atheism, and I have moved in that direction on many occasions.Even without being in an ex-gay program, I can see that I have been wounded by the ex-gay rhetoric. I could probably be considered “collateral damage” to the whole Exodus movement. I so wanted to believe what they were saying because not to believe left me without a God. I wanted to make the feelings go away and was about to physically alter my penis to accomplish this.

"The Book: Gay Pastor"

I was ready to face my life but I had the whole problem of “Page 13” to contend with. I either had to continue to live a celibate life and remain a pastor or I had to leave the ministry. Since I had gone this long without a relationship, I really didn’t want to continue without a relationship. So to be openly in a relationship, I could not be an ELCA pastor.
Now I must say that I think the ELCA’s prohibition on openly gay pastors is just silly and I have always thought it was silly. I have to question a denomination that would rather have its leaders lie about what who they are as opposed to being honest. Well, that is their loss. But loss or not, there was a tenet of the faith that said I could be gay, I just needed to be celibate.
I had to struggle with what I wanted to do. I could stay in the ELCA and fight what I thought was an unfair, and frankly unchristian, rule. Or I could respect the rules of the church and find a new denomination. As I thought about it, it became clearer to me that I would need to leave the denomination.
The decision to leave had been in the process for a while. My call to the congregation was as an assistant pastor. As such, I played second fiddle to the senior pastor. In the past, in situations that were marginally controversial, the senior pastor would give his support but then if anyone from the congregation would say something, he would crumble. If it came down to standing by his colleague, me, or caving to even one comment from a parishioner, he would cave. If he caved only once, I may have gone forward, but this behavior of collapsing when things go a little controversial has been a consistent pattern with this man.
So I began to look at various other denominations, looking for a place that would accept me as I am and not expect me to lie and that would also allow me to serve God as I felt I had been called to do. Actually, I felt more then ever that I had truly been called by God. As I looked at the way the church treated GLBT people, and as I was beginning to experience myself, I felt the need more than ever to bring the gospel to those for whom the church was not a safe place and may have actually been a place of pain and rejection. I still felt the call to ministry; I just knew I could not do it in the ELCA.
I looked at various denominations, trying to find a place where I would be welcome. Unfortunately, this search did not turn up many denominations. Many of the denominations like to tell how open and accepting they were to “all people.” This was the same thing the ELCA also said. And I truly believe these denominations do feel they are being open. But also like the ELCA, most would not allow an openly gay person to function as a clergyperson. Also like the ELCA, most of these denominations like to proclaim how they allow “all people into all aspects of church life.” But if leadership is closed to a certain segment of the population, is it really open?
Of the denominations I searched, I was only able to find three that were truly open to having GLBT people as clergy. These denominations were The United Church of Christ, The Episcopal Church in America, and The Metropolitan Community Church. Finding only three denominations was pretty disheartening. But since I had only these three to look at, I started to do my research.
The first denomination I look at was the MCC. I thought this would be a great place to minister as its traditional outreach is to the GLBT population. In this denomination, a gay pastor was not an oddity; actually, a heterosexual pastor would be the oddity. Within the MCC, homosexuality is the norm.
So with this in mind, I decided to go and visit an MCC church. I was surprised to find that, even with a major university in town, Lansing did not have an MCC congregation. But I still wanted to see what an MCC church was like. So, one Sunday morning while I was on vacation, I got up and drove to Grand Rapids to visit the church there.
That worship service was quite an eye-opener for me. I didn’t know what I should expect from the congregation there. This was my first foray out into the “Gay World” as one of the “locals.” I was not entering the “Gay World” as an outsider but as an actual gay person.
I was greeted by one of the members of the congregation who was very kind and asked some questions about me. These questions were not intrusive in any way but allowed me the opportunity to talk if I would want to. The member then asked me if I would like to sit with him and his friends during the service.
The service was relatively uneventful, similar to just about any other mainstream worship service. Well, actually, the sermon was anything but uneventful. The pastor preached about difficulties with those around us and working on coming to an understanding with those people. In the sermon, the pastor urged the congregation to confront those who have hurt them and then work toward resolution. This sounds good in theory but almost ended in a boxing match in the parking lot after the service. But the most eye-opening aspect of the service was how truly uneventful it all really was. These people, these GAY people prayed, sang, communed, and went out for lunch after the service just like everyone else. The sermon was not about being gay, it was about being a person.
That was one of the defining moments for me in creating my “gay identity.” I was able to go out and be gay but not be “GAY” as the stereotypes would have us think.

"The Book: I'm Gay"

After a brief hiatus, The Book is back. The last part can be found here.

The subconscious part of me decided that since I was going to be all alone, that I needed to start getting on with my life. There was going to be no wedding presents to look forward to so I would have to start buying all of that stuff myself. I started to look for houses and eventually found one that I loved. It was pretty much everything I had hoped for. It had character, a fireplace, and a beautiful back yard. I also started to buy dishes and REAL furniture instead of the dorm room leftovers that I did have in my house. I decided that since I was not going to get married, I could not count on those things and it was time to stop living like a student and live like a real adult person.
Granted, the house could feel empty at times, but I am a pretty “big” personality and can manage to spread out to fill my space. Soon I had gotten the house pretty much how I wanted it. Granted, it was messy, but hey, no one was stopping over soon.
I was going to fight this loneliness and remain true to God. Even with all the information I had about the Bible and the problems of interpretation with the “clobber passages,” I was going to bury my emotions and play the happy hetero when the need be. Besides, my denomination was telling me that “We accept all people;” just don’t let its leaders be gay. Oh, I should say, our leaders can be gay, just make sure they lie about it or hide it.
So that is what I was going to do. I would hide it. I would look at gay porn when no one was around and I would keep the possibilities of finding a “good woman” open. I would go to the gym and get an occasional peek at a naked man and hope to remain sane.
But it wasn’t working. I was feeling like a shell. I was feeling like I was lying and that people were going to find out. I was feeling constantly exhausted because I had to work so hard to keep the façade up. For those of you who are straight, if you don’t think it is hard, try going for just a day paying attention to all things that might be a “give away.” You have to be aware of making sure you say “she” instead of “he.” You have to be aware of what you do, is it too “gay?” I tend to be an artsy person so am I being too “artsy?” And always, how to deal with the “girlfriend” questions? It just gets so tiring.
This hiding continued until the end of my second year at the church I was serving. It was then that a series of chance events occurred that would set my life shooting off on a trajectory that I had never anticipated. I say “chance events” because in retrospect I am still not really sure what happened.
I was at summer camp with a bunch of kids. The Supervisor was also there with a group of kids from his congregation. We planned on being there together so we could share the teaching duties. And also, we enjoyed each other’s company and it gave us a chance to catch up on “old times.”
Now there was nothing out of the ordinary about this week at camp. I cannot think of anything that I would have done that would have pointed a finger. I did not go searching for an opportunity to “see” the Supervisor nor did we spend an inordinate amount of time together. It was just an ordinary week at camp.
On the last day of camp, the adult leaders take some time to clean the house we have all been sharing over the past week. The usual things: clean and sweep. I was cleaning in the kitchen and the Supervisor came in and asked me where he could find a broom. I said “I think there is one in the closet.” And for the life of me, I could have sworn that the Supervisor said under his breath but still loud enough for me to hear, “That’s not the only thing in the closet.”
I was both shocked and pissed. I was shocked because a comment like that form the Supervisor was so out of character. In the eight years I had known him, he would never make a comment like that. If he had something to say, he would generally be right up front about it. And I was pissed because, “HOW DARE HE THINK THAT ABOUT ME!”
I had a good head of steam going. I was hurt and I was not going to put up with this. I decided I would just avoid the Supervisor until we had to leave and then I could regroup. Hopefully after I had time to regroup I could talk with him and set him straight. This was not something worth ruining a friendship over, but the air needed to be cleared.
So I was walking around camp feeling righteously indignant when it suddenly dawned on me, “Am I that transparent? Am I really fooling anyone? I am using all of this energy to keep up a façade that is not fooling anyone at all?” And it was in that moment that the house of cards that I had built for so long, it was at that moment that all delusions disappeared and I finally came to the realization: I was gay.
My feelings about realizing I was gay were many as you can expect, however, the feeling that I remember most clearly was relief. Finally, after 40 years, I was able to state truthfully what I was. I could finally look into the mirror and say, “I am gay.” I could let down all the pretense that I held in my life and just be who God made me to be.
Now I would love to be able to tell you that I was able to come out to my family, friends, and co-workers and everything was ok. But as I have told others, “Lying is a sin” and I would not want to lie. So, in coming to terms with my homosexuality I was not at the end of the journey, I was just starting a new leg of the journey.