Sleepless in the Suburbs

I am still dealing with the "damned if you do and damned if you don't" dilemma:  Of course there is the parents' birthdays.  There is something about going to my sisters wooded acreage for a picnic.  This sounds nice other than the fact that this is the sister that told me to quit being a child and that I never connect with my family.  Just what I want to do is spend all day with them drinking and whooping it up and knowing that my sister thinks I am immature, spoiled and self-centered.  Sounds like a great was to celebrate some birthdays.

Then there is my nephew/godson's wedding.  Again, if we don't show up, we are jerks, but we get to drive two days to the wedding to just sit there and not interact with anyone.

Maybe I am being childish

I really should be able to get over this, but it is right there and it hurts.

The stuff with the family continues.

I talk with my mom and I say things are going crazy here, and no question of how I am doing.  I told her we found a place to live, and no question of where.  No question about future calls.

I get accused of not involving my family in things, but yet when I speak with them, when I bring up anything that is going on here, I just get the brush off.  I try sharing good things and I am brushed off, I try to share troubles and I am brushed off.  We had visitors to the church today who were more interested in my future than my family seems.

My Dad is going to be 90 on May 8, my Mom is going to be 80 on May 22, and I called my sister to ask if there was anything happening.  She never did get back to me.  Nic and I are planning on just going and saying "screw you" to the rest.

I guess I feel let down.  I guess I always thought that family were supposed to be the people you could count on.  I just really feel abandoned.  I don't want to keep putting myself into situations where I will be hurt, but I don't want to cut myself off or become a drama queen.

Arrrggg....

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Come on out! The weather is fine!

Wow! That was fast!

Gosh, we don't even get a long, dragged out like we did for Craig. Richard Curtis has already resigned (KIRO).

I will say that I feel sorry for his family and for those who still feel the need to be closeted for whatever reason. What a horrible waste of life. As I write this, I think about the possiblility that my father may be gay. I know I posted about this but can't seem to find the link. As long as I knew him, he was a shell. If he could have lived his life truely, how much difference would that have made?

UPDATE: Found the post about my Dad.

Back In Michigan

This is Nick, Me, and my friend Beth of Betty and the Headlights.

Well, Nick and I are back in Michigan! And I am happy to say that everything went well. Not that I was expecting my parents to be all weird or anything. I mean, I probably had one of the easiest times coming out of anyone I know.



I drug Nick around to all the things I love to do when I am home. Well, actually, not all the things, some of things there just was not enough time for.


We got into town and one of the first things I did was take Nick on Rush St. Rush St. is appropriately named: You drive down one hill and then up another. As you crest the hill, all that you see is the bluffs of the Illinois side of the Mississippi which are over a mile away. You are also about 200 feet above the river below. It is kind of freaky and you want to make sure you have good brakes!





We also checked out the city from the Fenlon Street Elevator. The elevator is a cable car system that lifts you 187 feet up the bluffs at an 87 degree angle. It is fun. Also a bit scary considering the elevator is about 120 years old.







The next day, Nick and I went to The Field of Dreams. It still amazes me that the movie has been out for over 18 years and there still was a crowd of people there. I guess it was true; it was built and they are still coming!







W went to U.S. Grant's Home in Galena, IL afterward and went shopping in Galena. Galena is a great little town in Illinois. It was the town of Chisholm, MN in the movie Field of Dreams. For those who are familiar with Michigan, it is kind of like Saugatuck but not quite as gay friendly.

This picture was actually one that was owned by U.S. Grant. I thought it was wild that it depicted children smoking. We debated exactly what it was the children were smoking! In many ways, Victorian sensibilities were much different than today! A painting like this would not be tolerated today.

Various family members just happened to "drop by" to see me (and to check out Nick!). But everyone was very nice. All in all, it was a good trip! Not enough time, but is there ever enough time?

On Sunday, we went to the Dickeyville Grotto. This is something that is probably not worth a trip in its own right, but a "Don't Miss!" if you are in the area. It was built by one priest (who must have been VERY bored!) many moons ago. It is impressive, but mighty cheesy.

Oh! Mom and Dad loved the frog!

Michigan Pride

Yesterday, June 30th was Michigan Pride in Lansing. I am sorry, but none of my pictures turned out. But for the most part, it was nothing really interesting. And in my opinion, that is a good thing. Not that there is anything wrong with people who wish to dress in drag or dress any way they want. What I mean is that we are not something to be frightened of, we are just people like everyone else.

Two of the speakers at the capital were very interesting. The first was a MtoF transsexual who was fired from her position at a local university when she started her transition process. The other speaker was her wife of over 30 years. This courageous woman decided to stay with the person she loved even if it meant that her husband was about to become her wife.

Of course we had all kinds of people telling us we were damned to Hell. Nick and I wanted to stage a scene where we would hear the protesters, have a violent break-up and grab the nearest woman, throw her to the ground and proceed (to a point!) to get jiggy with her! But alas, we didn't do it.

There was a church there that was protesting the protesters! Sometimes I am not as ashamed to be called a Christian.

Pride Grand Rapids

The Presenting of the Colors

And "Yes" Dr. Dobson, we love our families too!

And it was also nice of our fundimentalist brothers to come and share the day with us!!

I wonder if they have shirts that say, "I hasseled the faggots at Pride and all I got was this T-Shirt"?

My Dad

My sister was talking to me the other day and told me something that got me thinking.

Now before I continue, I need to tell you, I had wondered about my father for a while. My father just seems different. He just has this social awkwardness to him. My parents marriage seemed "nice" but not much more.

Now, my sister was telling me about a conversation she had with my dad when he started reminiscing. He started talking about how he and his buddy would go out to the local bars. Then he started telling her about how he and his buddy were drinking and started dancing together at one of the bars.

My sister said there was a light in his eyes she had not seen in a long time as he talked about the dance. She also said he just had this giggle in his voice as he told the story.

For some years now, I had wondered if my parents' marriage was one that the ex-gay people would have approved. I had wondered if my dad denied his feelings and did what he was "supposed" to do. Now hearing this story, I continue to wonder.

If my dad is gay, it doesn't matter to me. It does make me sad, though. As long as I have known my dad, he seemed to be a husk. He would sit and stare. When we asked if he was ok, he would say he was fine. I now see that for most of my life, dad was depressed. I, too, take antidepressants, as does my sister. But I have to wonder if the depression was more than just chemical. Was my dad repressing his true feelings? Did he want to be spending his time dancing with his buddy instead of being at home raising a family?

Granted, I am here because of his choices, but, if my feelings are right, how sad for my dad and my mom. How sad to have to deny the feelings my dad was feeling. And how sad for my mom knowing she was only getting part of the man she married. I don't know if she ever had an inkling, but I do know the marriage was not a hotbed of passion.

When I hear about all the ex-gay movement pushing to banish those "dirty" feelings and go out and find a wife/husband, I have to wonder how many "nice," and not so nice, marriages they are creating. How many dads will be thinking back to that one dangerous dance all those years ago and suddenly light up and begin to giggle? How many moms will have to go though life feeling, if not knowing, they are only getting a part of the man they married?

I love my parents, and I hope my feelings are wrong. But if I am right, I feel so bad that they had to spend their lives pretending.