Saturday, July 07, 2007


Nights are the worst for me. It is like the minute I lie down, my brain kicks into overdrive. Without the daily destractions, I am more vividly reminded of just how much of a loser I have become. And the problem is, it doesn't appear to be getting any better.

I truly hate what is becoming of my life. I have no energy, I have no direction, I have no desire to do anything. I am awake all day and can't sleep at night. I am 42 years old and am going nowhere. I was going to write "doing" back there, but my fingers started to type "going." What would Dr. Freud say about that?

I fell like I am a burden on society. I feel like I have things to offer, it is just that nobody wants them.

I shouldn't say that because I have Nick, he is what is literally keeping me alive. But is that too big of a burden to place on one person?

I am starting to think about packing. Part of me just wants to pile everything up and move. Staying here is like having a "Good Bye" party and then showing up the next day. It is awkward.

This is like a nightmare that I just can't seem to wake up from.


Anonymous said...

It saddens me to know that you are dealing with such anguish, but I can understand why. Were I in your shoes, I would be doing something quite similar.

I was heartened to read your remark about Nick. "...he is what is literally keeping me alive..." My own reflections on your statement echo that we all are alive because we are loved by someone and that we all keep someone else alive because of our love. Without that love, even with a wondrous house and a fantastic job, each of our lives would be *truly* void and meaningless.

If Nick loves you and if Nick were to be asked, I am sure that he would affirm that "keeping you alive" is not a burden, but a joy, a purpose for his own life.


Ur-spo said...

that was sad reading
may i suggest that at night time you visualize angels and saints at your side, keeping watch, so you feel safe?
you are constantly in my prayers for intervention.
poor thing, you sound like are in touch with the saints already. how wonderful/awful for you.

Bigg said...

I will be hoping that good things come your way.
All my best.