Continued Struggle

Nic and I have talked about my joining his denomination.  That wouldn't be a bad thing, however, it would entail another 1 -2 years of classes, internship, interviews.  I am really tired of what constantly seems to be evaluations of my being.  It seems that I cannot be me; and when I try to be me, I can't find a call.

I spent close to 40 years pretending to be straight (to greater and lesser effect) and now I feel like I have to pretend again.  I don't want to pretend.  I know that there are accepted standards in society, but I am tired of those heaped upon clergy because we are supposed to be "oh so holy."

I think part of the problem of the church today is the "oh so holy" crap.  Who can keep it up?  And then when we mess up, those who have worked harder to deny their being can look down on those who decided to be real, or the world forces to be real.

I don't seem to be able to do anything good enough anymore.  And this may sound like a spoiled "first-world" problem, but I don't know if I could do something like work in a factory or go back to SBUX.  I am afraid I would be sent to jail for assault.  For those who work in factories and the food service industry, I applaud you; but I don't think I can do something like that any more.  I am afraid I would just deck someone or develop a drinking problem.

This is part of the "painted in a corner" predicament I mentioned in the last post.  I know I am pretty bright but I just can't seem to find the proper place where I can be of help.  I see all these things on FB about being "The best You that YOU can be!" And I want to barf.  What if the "Me" I can be is not what the world wants?  I guess I feel like the small-pox virus.

Another of THOSE nights

Well, it seems to be one of those nights were everything is going through my head and nothing seems to want to slow down enough to let me sleep.

The biggest problem lately seems to be the problem of finding a job.  Two weeks before Christmas is not a good time to be job hunting.  Also, jobs within the church as about as plentiful as compassionate republicans.  It just gets so frustrating to think that ten years of college is just sitting here playing CastleVille.

I did, at least, get the glass unpacked.  Now I am able to make some things.  At least if feels like I am doing something!  Otherwise I just sit here and feel like life is futile.  We don't have MSNBC so I have not gotten upset about all the crap that is going on in the world, but it still feels like no one in the world is happy.

Christmas is coming but I really am not looking forward to it.  All it seems like is a conspiracy to show just how little money we have.  They talk about giving huge gifts but most of the gifts this year will be the "Thank God we can be together" type.

I am still batting around the idea of leaving the church behind.  It really has not been a pleasant journey for me.  I know I keep saying that, but I really don't see any way out.  I know that I am supposed to live on God's time, but that is becoming harder and harder to do.  And I also feel like I am trapped here.  How can I start a new career path at 47?  I am still trying to pay off the school loans from my previous foray into school.

I am so far at the end of my rope I feel like I just need to give it a good swing and let go.  I don't really know what else to do.  For those of you out there with a good job, thank the Lord.  If you are working part-time with no benefits, ask how this came to be and let's all do something about it.

Pity Party, Read at your own peril.

Truly hating life right now.  I have consistently been feeling crappy over the past week or so.  (I guess that would be since coming back from vacation.)

I know that what I am feeling is irrational, and logically, I can tell myself that what I am feeling is not founded in the reality of life.  But I still feel it.  I feel like I constantly have to be on guard for the next person waiting to ambush me.  I need to be prepared for the next attack.  Again, I know this is irrational, but it is what it is.  And truthfully, I hate it.

Nick has been great about the whole thing.  He has been patient.  But this has got to be as old for him as it is for me.

Life as WE know it.

Well, last Sunday was the first Sunday at my new congregation.  (Boy, do I love the "New Church" smell!)  It was very nice: a wonderful celebration.  Unfortunately, Nick and I were not able to stay long because of all the driving that we had to do.

We had planned to have me go to my church, do the whole potluck thing, and then head home.  Nick was going to stay home and then head up to his congregation for a board meeting and worship.  We didn't think this was the best, we wanted my congregation to meet Nick, but considering the driving times from home to my church to Nick's church and back home (almost 300 miles round trip) we figured this was most sane choice.  However, when the truck died on Thursday night, we realized Sunday was going to be the "Tour of Michigan."

My congregation was wonderful.  They were very gracious to Nick and to me.  I don't think the gay thing is really going to be a problem as I have found that the former priest was a lesbian.  She was an open secret there.  Well, with me, there will be no secret!  I have trouble being in the closet.

It is going to cost around $3000 to fix the truck.  The resale value of the truck is about $3500.  And I don't have any credit cards to max out.  When I look into my crystal ball, I see a "new to me" vehicle in my future.  The problem is that we were counting on the truck as a major part of the move.

Speaking of the move, we still need to find a place to live.  The rental market in the Detroit suburbs is really hot.  Finding a rental is almost a game of chance.  And trying to find a place that will have enough room for stained glass is difficult.  I may need to put the glass thing on hold for a while.  I am not a fan of that, but reality is reality:  It is hard to do glass if you do not have a place to live!

To add to the whole thing, Nick has been working more and more overtime.  He is in a difficult situation:  He works temp but the want him to put in 10 hour days.  Of course, if he says, "No" they just say, "Bye."  They want total commitment from the temps but the company does not want to give any commitment in return.  It really sucks.

We won't even discuss payments to the IRS! 

So, we need to move.  We need to move soon!  We need to get the money to put down a deposit.  I will finally get a check from the church.  (I hope!)  We need to get a vehicle.  We need to start packing here.  We need more time!  And I need to pay attention to my own preaching about trusting in God.  (But it is HARD!)


Sorry for the pity party.

UPDATE:  I just spoke with my financial adviser and we have been able to pay off the last two payments of the truck.  So at least I am not paying on something that is non-functional.  Not a whole lot of good news, but good news all the same.

Oh What Fun

Aaarrrggg!!!

Well, over the weekend, our crew at work went from six to four.  That is right!  Four people to work 13 hours per day/ seven days per week.  And we are never supposed to leave the place empty.  So that means that we need people to cover for breaks.  Oh, and did I forget to mention that NONE of our supervisors know what we do? 

I have been trying to REDUCE my hours, especially with Christmas coming.  But do you think that is going to happen?  And we also have the Lead Barista who talks more than he works, even thought he would have you believe that the place would close down without him.  My response when someone asks if the Lead is working is:  "He is on the clock and in the store."

I have been trying to get out of the place, but I am usually beat by the time I get off work.  But I have been checking out the deployment page and there is something that looks good upstate!  It would be nice in that it would be close to Nick's congregation too!  I am guardedly optimistic.  And no, I am not interested in the congregation just because it is logistically optimum.  They also seem like a good place for ministry.  Our lease here is up in April, my contact with my current congregation is up in July.  Sometimes time just flies!  Seems like we just moved and that I just signed a contact.  But hopefully god has some things in store for us.  We really need some things to finally go right!

Peace to all..

Mental Wresteling

I guess if life were easy and predictable, it would be boring.  But sometimes, it would be nice if it just slowed down a little.

I keep having to wonder if I am in the right place being in the Episcopal Church.  I keep wondering if I am the kind of person that the church needs.  I am definitely not a high church kind of person.  And all the canons and rules drive me nuts. 

I feel like I came out of the closet just to go back into another one.  This time, it is the closet of theology.  I feel like I have to hide my  theology and my feelings to be acceptable. 

Bitch Session

Sometimes I wonder how I keep going on.  It just seems like thing never end.  The moment it seems like we are finally getting back on our feet, something comes and kicks us out at the knees.  All of this and the truck is acting up again.  I don't know if I want to cry, scream, or go barista on someone's ass!

Continued Thoughts on Depression

I really wish people would stop using the "Count Your Blessings" method of trying to cheer people up.  On many levels, it really doesn't work.  Actually, it gets me more depressed and adds anger to it.  "Oh sure, now not only do I feel like shit, but I now feel guilty because I don't see the WONDERFUL!!!! things in my life."  And trying to be happy when you have a job making coffee while others who have less experience are working full time doing church things is frustrating.  I am not wishing ill will to my colleague, I am just asking for a little equality.

What comes across is that not only am I doing something wrong, but I can't even see the blessings in life properly.  I know it sounds crazy, but welcome to depression.  If it were logical, it wouldn't exist.  What also people don't get is that, at least for me, I AM trying to look for the positive things in life, but even that gets really tiring.  I am tired of feeling like I am "settling."

Thoughts on Depression

I had a friend who once said that varicose veins was proof that we were not an apex species.  I would also say that depression is proof.  How can something that comes into your life and removes all joy be a benefit to a population?

I could see if the depression energized a person to make changes, but it seems to do the opposite; it seems to sap energy.  It seems to leave the person less able to make changes in their life than before the depression set in.  Is it a means of cleaning the filter of the gene pool?

But that would not seem like a possibility, because many who have depression do go on to produce another generation.  Also, depression seems to attack those who do have things that are of benefit to a society.

Why the pondering?  I just had the floor fall out from underneath me, yet again.  I seemed to be doing fine and then I started to contemplate my status in life and began to feel totally lost; totally backed into a corner.  The vacation was nice, but instead of fortifying for continued living, it just brings the frustrations of life into sharp focus.  And when I look around, all I seem to see is what life is not.  I try to look toward the positive things, but these keep getting drown by the frustrations and the let downs.  I really don't want to be doing this any more.

Sorry for the bummer.  I hope it clears the thoughts and lets me go on.

It Seems To Be Pouring

I keep wondering how to make some lemonade out of this whole thing. There must be some way to frame this so that it makes sense.

While I am typing this, one kitty is sitting near me, the other is off somewhere. It is the other that is part of my angst. The other has fecal impaction and has had this problem for four years. The problem is that right now, I cannot afford to take her to the vet to have it treated. Also, this has been going on for over four years and one has to wonder how long to let it go. She requires medication twice a day and this almost always involves a "game" of hide-and-seek. It also makes it difficult to go anywhere because we need to be around to give her the "butt drugs." So I have decided that nine years has been a good long life for my kitty.

Banks are just too much fun to deal with. They remind me of a bully. They look for the first sign of weakness and then exploit it to its fullest potential. Case in point: Because an unexpected payment hit my account before a check cleared, my account went south. The first I heard about this was almost 6 days after it occurred when I got the letter. (I know, I should more closely monitor my account.) The letter said that to cover $77 in NSF, would cost nearly $300! I would have been better off going to a "Predatory Lender!" Since this time, the amount has topped $650.

This, in part, was precipitated by the practice of the church treasurer. She will not give me a check, she must mail it. And she arranges it so that the check will arrive (assuming the US Mail works the way it should) on either the 1st or the 16th of the month. If that date should fall on a weekend, well, "it sucks to be you!" (I will have to say, she did not use those words, but that was the perceived intent.) If the day should fall on Friday, I would not get the check until after work so the money would not become available in my account until almost 5 days after payday. Her comment was that in a business, when it is payday, it is payday. I told her that this is not a business, it is a church. What I can tell is she feels she is doing us a favor and how dare we ask her to do any more. I don't see how giving me the check early would be a problem. She said that I would be cashing the checks early and that is not the way business works. She also said that when you have to write six checks you write them all on the same date. (I am the only check that is needed at the chruch)

When it suites the treasurer, checks can be written earlier. In April, I received both checks for the month on the first of the month because she would be too busy with taxes around April 16th to write the check. I guess when it suites her, I can be very trustworthy.

One of the great problems of this arrangement is that the treasurer has been in church maybe twice in the year I have been here. And her mother is one of the most anxious people I know. Her mother told me to clean my office and would walk into my office and start looking for things. Her mother, working on information I am assuming came from the treasurer, has approached an organist and told me that I better talk to this organist "sooner as opposed to later." Get the treasurer pissed, and it gets played out through the mother. And mom has been part of the congregation since the "glory days." I thought vestry members were supposed to be a living part of the congregation.

The payment that hit my account was a school loan payment. My loans have been in forbearance for two years while I am under employed. Staying in the current situation does not help this situation. But trying to find a job in Michigan is nigh on to impossible.

/rant off
Time to go to my exceedingly *full sarcasm* fulfilling job of making coffee.

I Guess This Must Be A Bit Of A Pity Party

I really enjoy Facebook. It is really quite cool. I have been able to get back in touch with many friends. But the other side of the whole thing is being daily confronted with my former classmates from seminary.

I look at them and hear about their lives in their churches. I hear about their vacations and their new houses. And quite frankly, I get really pissed.

I have had another set back with a situation involving a church check that did not clear in time because the treasurer has a freaky control thing and feels the need to HAVE to mail my check to me. When the 1st or the 16th fall on Saturday, that means that it might take up to four days to get the check to clear. Well, you guessed it. I knew this was going to happen, and it did.

But if I did not have to leave the ELCA, I would probably still be in a congregation that could pay me enough so I could be paying my bills instead of putting them in forbearance. I could be doing church things instead of doing coffee things. I could pay to take the cat to the vet instead of trying to get her to crap on her own. (Don't ask.)

I enjoy keeping in touch with my friends, but I also hate it. It is like having salt continually rubbed into my wounds.

Pity Party

I haven't been feeling very "blogerary" lately.

The down times lately seem much more prevalent than the up times. I would feel sorry about that, but reading the blog is optional, not mandatory: If you don't like whiny posts, stop reading now.

My biggest frustration is, which seems to be almost always lately, is the feeling of being trapped. I don't have enough psych backing (no Ph.D.) to go into clinical. I don't have a teaching certificate. I have a Masters in psych but that is almost a useless piece of paper. The M.Div. seems to be another useless piece of paper lately; good for answering Jeopardy questions and for getting into arguments with people who have no formal education but KNOW that God is telling them directly. (Gnosticism IS alive and dysfunctional in America.)

I feel like I am not able to give all I can to the church that is financing the major portion of my life and am giving my soul to a store that flips out the word (is it even a word?) "Famliness" whenever they can, but never puts the concept into practice. But they make up the shortfall in finances. And yet, even though they are the minor share of my finances, they take up the major chunk of my time.

I feel stifled in trying to find another job. The job market here is so bad and this job does give me the flexibility I need for the church stuff. But again, I feel guilty at giving the church all I can.

I feel like a house divided: Like I need to pitch one or the other. Drop the church and go after a management position at the store or ditch the store and pray that the church check will cover the finances.

Then we have Nick. He has been such a mainstay in all of this. I know it wears on him too and try to keep the frustrations to a minimum. But life has a way of producing frustrations. Lately, the computer has been a major frustration. First the laptop screen gets broken in an accident of the cd rack falling on it. So we got a monitor on freecycle. Then the power source on the laptop dies. So we replace that. Then the monitor on the desktop dies and we steal the monitor that we got for the laptop. Now we are waiting for the power supply and hoping to find another monitor on freecycle.

But Nick is working in a job that he can do but I am sure is not overly fulfilling. He brings in the lion's share of finances but the thing seems to be a constant source of frustration.

Shouldn't life be more than constant frustration and making do?

I didn't realize when I came to Michigan, now almost 10 years ago, that this place was going to suck me in and pull me down.

Now I need to find a Dr. to help me get the meds that keep me stable but can't afford. (Can't afford the Dr. either.) Of course the Republicans keep telling me that I just need to work harder and then I can be an all upstanding member of society.

Or, maybe I should just deny who I am, enter a loveless marriage, pop out some pups, troll for blow jobs in the rest areas, and call myself a heterosexual.

Work, Ugh

I have probably come as close as I ever have to tossing a drink into a customer's face, today. I just hope that it makes the people feel oh-so-special to have the "power" to tell the barista what to do.

As you can probably guess, the past week has been a hum-dinger. I have really been trying to find some kind of redeeming factor in my job at the ol' Starbucks. I guess I have to resort to superiority. If someone's life is so sad that lording their "power" over some poor minimum-wage SOB is the only satisfaction they can get, then I guess I am happy I can bring a little happiness into their lives.

Is there anyone in leadership roles that are qualified to be there?

What has been frightening me is that I just get so frustrated and angery that I either want to do something like toss the Chai in the woman's face or just walk off the job and tell them all to bite me. I get to the point where I find it hard to function in a normal manner (whatever that may be). I hate myself for acting and feeling that way but all that that does is increases my anger/frustration level.

I feel like Ur-Spo's whole Childish Thoughts thing but get to the point where I feel unable to stop the flow of negative thoughts. I have been able to prevent myself from doing anything that will get me fired, but it keeps getting harder and harder.

Like I said before, this feeling is vary familiar; it reminds me of the time right before I left my first call. I really don't want to go back that time in my life! I don't want to relive those feelings.

The Pretty Good Storm

Yah, it has not been the "Perfect Storm" around here, but it has certainly been trying.

Sometimes the things of life just seem to come at you too fast and too unrelenting. (Maybe those words mean the same thing. IDK. Just think of it as Hebrew Poetry.)

Unfulfilling jobs.
Tight financial situation.
Not enough sleep.
Stupid peoples' stupid attitudes having a direct impact on my life.
Change from daylight saving time to standard time.
Having my past memories of leaving my former denomination revived.

They all just pile up.

Then I see how this is effecting Nick. He is also underemployed. He is also suffering with our financial hardships. And he is also getting to the point where he should be able to look with expectation to a time of retirement. A time that right now doesn't look like it will ever come.

I guess we could throw a few more things into the mix (which I hesitate to even think about) and that would make it a perfect storm. But for right now, the Pretty-Good Storm is just making life harder to handle.

Thoughts About Life

The last couple of days have been long. Between moving and work, I am about to fall apart. I'm getting too old for this.

Sorry, this is probably going to be a whiny post, because I am feeling whiny. I know there is pain in the world, but... I know, focus on the good things in life. Hey! Michael T. Weiss is on TV! He is such a hottie! (I am trying to cheer myself up!)

But, the move will occur and we will get everything done. Then we will be living in a much more quiet place.

Going Postal

I really am beginning to understand how someone could "Go Postal." I would consider myself to be a fairly laid-back kind of person, but yet, lately I have really wanted to hurt someone. I know that after it happened, I would feel like crap. But there still is this desire to exert power over something in my life.

The idiot neighbor from downstairs again was pounding on the ceiling. I just want to deck him! So many other things have been happening in life that having a bully do his thing is just pushing me that much closer to doing something stupid.

I think it all has something to do with feeling like I have some kind of power in the world. Everything else seems to be exerting power over me, I finally want to be able to exert some power of my own. I want to the one making the decisions and not just following whatever I am being told.

I used to be in a situation where I was able to exert influence. Now I seem to have none at all. Part of me just wants to do something just to make something happen.

Package me up in the straight jacket. Get the macaroni and glue ready. I'm on my way!

Grinding Grit or Sandpaper

I was talking with a former colleague of mine yesterday. He was kind enough to let me bend his hear for a while. So many things in my life have been wearing at me. I don't hate my job, but it really doesn't provide a lot of intellectual stimulation. You can only ask people how the weather is so many times before you start to going bonkers.

I truly miss being able to be "smart." One of the things that helps is one of my coworkers is a thinker so we can have some intriguing conversations. Otherwise, it becomes just another line of lattes and caramel frappuccinos.

I also really enjoyed preaching and leading worship the past two weeks, but I am a bit apprehensive of the rector returning. She is very nice, but she is also very proper. Maybe that is one of my downfalls, but I am not really a "proper" person. I like to think of myself as a comfort model. (Heaven knows I have gained my share of cushion.) And I feel like I have to become something that I am not just to serve in the church. It took me 41 years to come out, I don't want to start hiding all over again.

My colleague cautioned me that stress can take on two forms: It can grind us down to nothing or, if we have faith, it can be like sandpaper in the hands of a craftsman and form us into a work of art. My problem: to the piece of wood, they both feel the same.

I want to believe that God is at work sanding away the rough edges. I want to believe that all of this is for a purpose. I want to believe that eventually Nick and I will come out of this and be thankful for the experience. But right now, that is difficult to see.

Rollerskates on the Treadmill

That is the way things have been feeling lately: The wheels are turning, but the landscape has not been changing.

I am supposed to be preaching this Easter. New life, renewed hope. All that good stuff. What do I feel? Lost, frustrated, trapped. More of the same old stuff.

I apologize to my loyal readers (all four of you!) for posting so often about my frustration at the slow pace of change. There are just so many things that combine to make these past years (!) so complex. Whenever something happens, a whole series of guilt, anger, and frustration surfaces.

I placed guilt first because I was raised Roman Catholic and I grew up doing guilt well. I learned early on how to feel guilty about all kinds of things from my thoughts to things my body did. So, of course, when things go wrong, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I don't put enough time into reviewing the church readings. I feel guilty that I mix up words while reading. I feel guilty that I have these feelings that "the church" doesn't like. I feel guilty that my sense of humor rankles the genteel folk. I feel guilty that I don't have the energy to invest into the church that I would like to have.

But then things switch into frustration. It is really easy to put time into the church when that is your full-time job. However, when you are working 40 hours/week, highly underemployed, trying to make ends meet, and trying to give time to the church, then get some attitude because you are not doing things "right," that gets frustrating. Not feeling supported, that is frustrating. Missing "being smart," that is frustrating.

This last comment about being smart may seem odd, but not if you think about it. Probably the best way to think about it is to be mentally bored. I miss the mental challenges that come from being in a church setting. Making coffee for eight hours a day really doesn't do much to spark the creative juices.

Then comes anger. Angy at it all! Ranting and raving mad! Pissed at the world, at God, at people trying to help me, at life. I start to turn into something that I really don't like.

Then, of course, I feel guilty about being angry and needy. And with that, the loop begins again.

Milestones

Before



After



Probably not a big thing any more, but when I was in high school, that was the first time my car rolled over the hundred thousand mile mark. And back then, it was cool because the odometers didn't go that high so the car would become "New" as it went back to all zeros.

Now, cars surpassing one-hundred thousand mark are no biggie.

Humm...I titled this milestones so are there other milestones in my life? It doesn't really seem so. A year ago I was in New Orleans. It was nice to be there. I was loving the warmth. I am looking forward to the weather getting warmer. I guess a year ago I would not have thought I would be in this position. I guess I didn't think I would still be unemployed/underemployed.

Now we have the increased stress of Nick being unemployed.

Just had another 800 call come through. I guess I will be happy when I don't have to dread having the phone ring.

When I hate about the situation/economy is that everything become a crisis. No Dr.'s visits until it becomes crisis level. Pay as much on the bills as possible, but still get socked with the finance charges. It was suggested to get credit counseling, but trying to find a reputable one is difficult. And I am not in debt enough to file bankruptcy. (Yep, I am in debt enough to ruin my credit rating for life, but not enough to file bankruptcy.)

Oy Vey! Sorry, didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party.

Yucky Weather

Well, winter came back. So far this week, we have had 50 degree weather, single digit weather, rain, and now a snowstorm. It took Nick over an hour to get to work. He got this "wonderful" e-mail from work reminding everyone that even though the weather is bad, people still need to come to work. AH DUH!

The e-mail came from the higher management where Nick works (and where I used to work). The management there treats the workers as if they are children. I found it frustrating as does Nick.

As far as other things, life goes on. I have been looking for a job. I have been trying to write a sermon for Sunday. (I decided to re-run one from six years ago. Still pretty good, I think.) And, in general, trying to stay on this side of depression. Nick has been such a support. I just hope I am not leaning too hard upon him!

I'm still having trouble with the whole God/church thing. It feels weird having to write a sermon extolling the virtues of God when lately I have been questioning whether God even exists. Trying to get excited about anything, let alone church stuff, is hard right now. I keep trying to be excited about learning "how to be an Episcopalian" but it is wearing thin.

I hate feeling stupid. I have done the whole "church thing" and have been a clergy person for seven years. Now, being relegated to the status of "intern" just feels like a kick in the nads.