Last time on, "The Book"
Well, it took another three years before I was to have sex again. I just would not allow myself to get into a situation where the concept of sex would even arise. I would go out in groups and in many overt and subtle ways let the people I was with know that this was only “Just as friends.”
I did keep the girl from high school around as a girl “friend.” I feel as if I was really not overly honest with her. I did not follow through with the unsaid promises I feel I was making. I feel that I kept promising that some great proclamation of love and devotion would come but I never could truthfully make that proclamation. I kept looking for a future with the two of us together, but I really could never see that future. I wanted to feel the fireworks that I had heard so much about but they never seemed to happen.
I have since wondered what part I filled in her life. That she kept hanging around makes me believe she may have had something else to hide also. I don’t know if she was using me as a beard in the same way I was using her. That really doesn’t matter. What matters is that I feel I was not (and I wasn’t) honest with her. I believed there could be something between us, but I could not feel it.
We finally made a break after I was done with grad school but before I got my first job. We went camping with some friends and spend some very good time together. After we got back from camping, I stayed the night at her house and we had sex. (There is a humorous story about driving 15 miles to buy condoms that could be told here but I will refrain!) Again, the sex was not that great. I did manage to have an orgasm, but only after what seemed like hours of stimulation. This time, though, I could not blame it on being drunk.
Being that close to a person, especially a female person, scared me. I, again, felt that I had made a promise that I was not ready to fulfill. Without going into the details, I found a way to provoke her into telling me that she never wanted to speak to me again. So I was off the hook. I was still heterosexual because SHE broke up with me. I didn’t break up with her.
Now, during these three years between sexual exploits, I was not running around being a “happy hetero,” I was still fighting with the demons inside of my head. I had to purposely look away from attractive men. I had to make certain that I did not look at the bulges in the men’s crotches. I couldn’t just live because I had to actively fight against what I was feeling. I actively shut down. I did not allow myself to feel anything. When I started to feel something, I would back away. I would isolate myself so I would not get hurt and I would not have to deal with the anxiety of the things I was feeling.
I can’t ever remember being told that homosexuality was wrong. I know that there were jokes made during school about gay people and comments made about me being a “guy” (said with a limp-wristed action). But I never really understood what it meant. I knew it was something that attracted public scorn, but far as why it was scorned, I was pretty clueless.
I remember a joke that was being told when I was about five or six. It was a joke about three men trying to get into some club or something. Getting into this club involved a test, and that test was to look at a naked woman and not ring the bell that was placed on the end of each man’s penis. The first two men looked at the woman and immediately there was a “ring” from their penises. These two men went back to the locker room in disgrace. The third man did not “ring” when he saw the woman. There was much rejoicing because he could join. But once he went into the locker room, there was the sound of ringing like a telephone.
Everybody laughed; I didn’t get it.
It was explained that men were not supposed to get hard dicks from looking at other men. I still didn’t understand, but that little tidbit stayed in my subconscious.
All I knew was this: the feelings that I was feeling were not ok and if I talked about them, I would not be ok. So I had to keep quiet, even to myself. The unfortunate side effect of repressing my sexuality is that most of my other feelings got repressed also.
For the longest time, I just assumed that I was never going to feel the love that people talked about. I assumed that love was just something that I was not going to experience. So I started to plan my life around being alone.
I could continue down this train of thought but I would be kind of getting ahead of things.
I really don’t know where I learned that God hated homosexuals. When I was in college and had gay friends I learned about the “clobber passages.” And I guess when I first heard these passages, they made sense to me. They seemed pretty straightforward. Men sleeping with men: that seemed pretty unambiguous. Women having unnatural relationships with each other. Again, pretty unambiguous. But this view of a hateful, vengeful God never quite felt right to me.
Again, I am not sure I want to go down this trail right now.
The next part can be found here.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
"The Book: It Continues"
This whole thing started here.
In looking back at college, I can see how I have repressed my feelings. It was easier to think that I was above all of that “rolling around” “acting like animals in heat” than to admit that I wasn’t interested in the women. I would look at my classmates pairing off and could not understand how they could become so close so fast. I actually looked at it as a sign of maturity. I was not going to go to college and immediately jump into bed with some woman. I was going to wait for that right girl. I was going to get to know the woman before we went to bed because that was the good and noble thing to do.
Now, I keep talking about how I justified my behaviors through high school and college. What you need to remember is that a lot of my current understanding of my behavior can be attributed to time, distance, and mental clarity. The excuses, such as “I am waiting for a woman with a great sense of humor,” I truly believed. On a subconscious level I knew I was avoiding women, but on my day-to-day living level, I was totally confused as to why I couldn’t find a girlfriend.
Well, to say that I didn’t have a girlfriend would not be right. I had girl “friends.” I got along well with girls and I felt less stress around them. So I would hang out with girls. There were some that you could even say we “dated.” I so wanted these relationships to work. I so wanted to be like the other guys in school. But I never really seemed to get it. Kissing was unpleasurable and I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what was so great about necking.
I had a girlfriend in high school and one that carried over from high school through college. But for the most part, that is all we were was friends. We went to movies together, we did things together, but we didn’t “do” things together. So, I guess even in high school I had a “beard.” I know now that I had chosen girls that were distant so that I would not have to face the reality of who I was.
College continued. The swimmer got a girlfriend, which put me into a bit of a tailspin. I was bitter that he had someone and I was alone. I was upset because I had been replaced in his life. But, college has its demands and I proceeded to go on with life.
I would often pray that God would find a girlfriend for me. I just had to believe that there was someone out there for me. I saw it as a test of faith. I had to keep the faith and God would provide a girlfriend/wife for me. Unfortunately, a woman was not provided but this train of thought led me down a path of depression and despair. I was praying but God was not answering. Was it because I was so bad? Was my faith not enough? Why was there not a girlfriend for me?
This is one of the greatest pains of being gay. Even God abandons you. I was never told this directly, but it was present in the world around me. I heard the story of Sodom and the interpretation that it was God’s punishment of the gay people. I had also heard that AIDS was God’s punishment of gay people. So, if I avoided being gay, I would not fall to this scourge of God. I may be alone, but I would be alive.
It was in college that I really worked to suppress my feelings. Getting an erection in the shower of the dorm was not a good thing. Being attracted to one’s friends was not looked upon very well. I avoided doing athletic things with friends because I did not want to have to shower with them for fear of becoming aroused. I repressed the desire to see my friends naked and avoided any opportunity.
I did have gay friends in college. I may have been living through them vicariously during my college days. It was through my friends that I learned about what it was really like to be gay. I was able to see people in relationships and people just going about their lives. These guys were not the traditional effeminate gay stereotype. These were just common people.
Gays were starting to stand up on campus and they were experiencing the expected backlash. I stood beside my friends but also made it clear that “I was not one of them.” I remember working telling myself that I was not gay, there was no way I was gay. I didn’t want to be part of the troubles that I was seeing. I could stand beside “them” but I was not ready to be one of “them.”
I finally lost my virginity just before my college graduation. I was totally drunk and the girl practically threw herself at me. It is funny the things you remember about events like this: I was wearing light blue briefs with white edging. I also remember that I didn’t have an orgasm on this first time. I don’t know if it was because of the amount of alcohol in my system or because I was having sex with a woman. It was fun, but it still felt “anticlimactic.”
Still, I hung onto this experience. This proved I was not gay! I had sex with a woman! Gay guys don’t have sex with women. So it wasn’t that good, but I knew it would get better. It is common knowledge that the first time is not that great. I had been masturbating for a long time and so actually having sex would feel different, or so I told myself. But I have now had sex! Now I would just have to do it again because I know it will get better.
More of The Book
In looking back at college, I can see how I have repressed my feelings. It was easier to think that I was above all of that “rolling around” “acting like animals in heat” than to admit that I wasn’t interested in the women. I would look at my classmates pairing off and could not understand how they could become so close so fast. I actually looked at it as a sign of maturity. I was not going to go to college and immediately jump into bed with some woman. I was going to wait for that right girl. I was going to get to know the woman before we went to bed because that was the good and noble thing to do.
Now, I keep talking about how I justified my behaviors through high school and college. What you need to remember is that a lot of my current understanding of my behavior can be attributed to time, distance, and mental clarity. The excuses, such as “I am waiting for a woman with a great sense of humor,” I truly believed. On a subconscious level I knew I was avoiding women, but on my day-to-day living level, I was totally confused as to why I couldn’t find a girlfriend.
Well, to say that I didn’t have a girlfriend would not be right. I had girl “friends.” I got along well with girls and I felt less stress around them. So I would hang out with girls. There were some that you could even say we “dated.” I so wanted these relationships to work. I so wanted to be like the other guys in school. But I never really seemed to get it. Kissing was unpleasurable and I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what was so great about necking.
I had a girlfriend in high school and one that carried over from high school through college. But for the most part, that is all we were was friends. We went to movies together, we did things together, but we didn’t “do” things together. So, I guess even in high school I had a “beard.” I know now that I had chosen girls that were distant so that I would not have to face the reality of who I was.
College continued. The swimmer got a girlfriend, which put me into a bit of a tailspin. I was bitter that he had someone and I was alone. I was upset because I had been replaced in his life. But, college has its demands and I proceeded to go on with life.
I would often pray that God would find a girlfriend for me. I just had to believe that there was someone out there for me. I saw it as a test of faith. I had to keep the faith and God would provide a girlfriend/wife for me. Unfortunately, a woman was not provided but this train of thought led me down a path of depression and despair. I was praying but God was not answering. Was it because I was so bad? Was my faith not enough? Why was there not a girlfriend for me?
This is one of the greatest pains of being gay. Even God abandons you. I was never told this directly, but it was present in the world around me. I heard the story of Sodom and the interpretation that it was God’s punishment of the gay people. I had also heard that AIDS was God’s punishment of gay people. So, if I avoided being gay, I would not fall to this scourge of God. I may be alone, but I would be alive.
It was in college that I really worked to suppress my feelings. Getting an erection in the shower of the dorm was not a good thing. Being attracted to one’s friends was not looked upon very well. I avoided doing athletic things with friends because I did not want to have to shower with them for fear of becoming aroused. I repressed the desire to see my friends naked and avoided any opportunity.
I did have gay friends in college. I may have been living through them vicariously during my college days. It was through my friends that I learned about what it was really like to be gay. I was able to see people in relationships and people just going about their lives. These guys were not the traditional effeminate gay stereotype. These were just common people.
Gays were starting to stand up on campus and they were experiencing the expected backlash. I stood beside my friends but also made it clear that “I was not one of them.” I remember working telling myself that I was not gay, there was no way I was gay. I didn’t want to be part of the troubles that I was seeing. I could stand beside “them” but I was not ready to be one of “them.”
I finally lost my virginity just before my college graduation. I was totally drunk and the girl practically threw herself at me. It is funny the things you remember about events like this: I was wearing light blue briefs with white edging. I also remember that I didn’t have an orgasm on this first time. I don’t know if it was because of the amount of alcohol in my system or because I was having sex with a woman. It was fun, but it still felt “anticlimactic.”
Still, I hung onto this experience. This proved I was not gay! I had sex with a woman! Gay guys don’t have sex with women. So it wasn’t that good, but I knew it would get better. It is common knowledge that the first time is not that great. I had been masturbating for a long time and so actually having sex would feel different, or so I told myself. But I have now had sex! Now I would just have to do it again because I know it will get better.
More of The Book
"The Book: The Beginning"
Why would I think that I have something new to add to the whole discussion of homosexuality? I mean, what hasn’t been said already? What could I tell that would help someone or some family? I have read the comment that Coming-Out stories are so common as to not even raise an eyebrow anymore. But living in the midst of this whole Coming-Out thing, I guess I do feel that there is something to share.
I know that I deal with things now that I never had to deal with before. Some may say that I am being paranoid; maybe so. But these are things that would have never entered my mind a mere year ago. My reality is different in a way that I would have never expected. And if I can help people to understand just a little part of this change, then I feel like I would have been of some success.
I was trying to think of a day or event that I could point to and say, “It all started here.” But there really isn’t any. Just throughout my whole life, I never felt like I belonged. Throughout my life, I never felt that really fit in. I just seemed “different” than most other people. It always felt as if I would do something but that “something” was never right.
I always seemed to have trouble being a boy. I didn’t like sports, either to play them or to watch them. I didn’t like the usual boy things. I preferred to do other things. I enjoyed exploring and thinking. Now don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to be a girl, I just thought I was “wrong“ as a boy. I know the fundamentalist Christians out there would have a field day with this. They would want to point to my parents and say that the reason I was gay would be my parents’ fault. The fundamentalists would say that my mother was overbearing and my father was distant. And, you know, they would be right. But what this doesn’t explain is why I am gay and the rest of my immediate family is not. If my parents made me gay, why didn’t it “take” with the rest of my siblings? But as far as I can remember, I have always been this way. So, trying to find a “starting point” is a bit daunting.
However, if I look back at my life and try to find the first “homosexual” inkling, it would probably have to be back when I was about five or six. I remember getting out of the pool with my brother, my uncle, and my cousin. My cousin would have to have been in his early teens by this time. I remember changing from swim trunks to regular clothes. I remember my cousin wearing a swim supporter. I didn’t know what this was or why he would wear one. I did figure it had something to do with his “pee-pee,” though because that was the part that it covered.
I also remember the bulges in the front of the jumpsuits of the men in the original Star Trek series. These bulges intrigued my even though I didn’t know why. When these bulges would appear on TV, I would have to look.
I know people would want me to believe that if my father played football with me or if I was made to sit down and watch Monday Night Football, I would not be writing this to you now. But that is just way too easy. My brother likes football. My brother played football. I just never found it anything worth getting excited about.
But, I am sure you can find, out there, gay men who enjoy football and played football. I am sure you can find gay men who had fathers who were properly attentive and mothers who were properly unattached. I guess what I am trying to say is that, yes, my family had a large impact on who I am as a person, but , no, they did not make me gay.
I guess that I even need to go through all of this stuff shows that we still need people to tell their stories.
Is my experience extra-special? I don’t know, it is all I have. But these are the experiences that I can share in the hopes that someone might find them enlightening and helpful.
So when did I “know” I was gay?
In all honesty, I would have to say that I knew back in high school. I tried not to acknowledge it, but it was there. I saw my first Playgirl at my “girlfriends” house and found myself getting aroused by the pictures of the naked men. My brother had some porn pictures in his underwear drawer (My brother was always so original) and I always found myself returning to the picture of the man and the woman having sex. I found myself not getting turned on by the naked woman, but the naked man…
Naked women never really did anything for me. I would try to make myself believe that I found women attractive and that they got me sexually aroused, but the truth is, they didn’t. Actually, when I would masturbate, I would think about men and then quickly change to women as I neared climax just to “prove” that I could climax to women and therefore I was not gay. But still, it was the men that attracted me.
During high school I also had my first crush. He was kind and smart and also a swimmer and a weight lifter. And, oh yeah, he also had a beautiful body. Just to be in his presence made me feel special. Just to have him talk to me made me feel wanted. At the time I would not have considered what I was feeling a crush, but it was. What I thought is that I have a really great, talented, friend. And, yes, I really, really, thought he was cute: Muscular in a swimmer sort of way.
What I find amazing is how we can lie to ourselves. I guess Freud would say that we could justify just about anything. If I were to look at my behavior, I would have seen my attraction written all over it. Once, while the swimmer and I were in high school, he was over at my parents’ house and we were watching movies. The swimmer was falling asleep so I just turned off the TV, pulled up a blanket, and fell asleep next to him. I knew what I was doing would not be considered “normal” but of course, I would not let myself believe I was gay.
I ended up going to the same college the swimmer did. “Ended up!” Who am I trying to kid? I would have gone anywhere the swimmer went. Luckily, the swimmer went to a good school. I came up with a reason to apply to the school and got accepted. So off to college I went.
The story continues here.
I know that I deal with things now that I never had to deal with before. Some may say that I am being paranoid; maybe so. But these are things that would have never entered my mind a mere year ago. My reality is different in a way that I would have never expected. And if I can help people to understand just a little part of this change, then I feel like I would have been of some success.
I was trying to think of a day or event that I could point to and say, “It all started here.” But there really isn’t any. Just throughout my whole life, I never felt like I belonged. Throughout my life, I never felt that really fit in. I just seemed “different” than most other people. It always felt as if I would do something but that “something” was never right.
I always seemed to have trouble being a boy. I didn’t like sports, either to play them or to watch them. I didn’t like the usual boy things. I preferred to do other things. I enjoyed exploring and thinking. Now don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to be a girl, I just thought I was “wrong“ as a boy. I know the fundamentalist Christians out there would have a field day with this. They would want to point to my parents and say that the reason I was gay would be my parents’ fault. The fundamentalists would say that my mother was overbearing and my father was distant. And, you know, they would be right. But what this doesn’t explain is why I am gay and the rest of my immediate family is not. If my parents made me gay, why didn’t it “take” with the rest of my siblings? But as far as I can remember, I have always been this way. So, trying to find a “starting point” is a bit daunting.
However, if I look back at my life and try to find the first “homosexual” inkling, it would probably have to be back when I was about five or six. I remember getting out of the pool with my brother, my uncle, and my cousin. My cousin would have to have been in his early teens by this time. I remember changing from swim trunks to regular clothes. I remember my cousin wearing a swim supporter. I didn’t know what this was or why he would wear one. I did figure it had something to do with his “pee-pee,” though because that was the part that it covered.
I also remember the bulges in the front of the jumpsuits of the men in the original Star Trek series. These bulges intrigued my even though I didn’t know why. When these bulges would appear on TV, I would have to look.
I know people would want me to believe that if my father played football with me or if I was made to sit down and watch Monday Night Football, I would not be writing this to you now. But that is just way too easy. My brother likes football. My brother played football. I just never found it anything worth getting excited about.
But, I am sure you can find, out there, gay men who enjoy football and played football. I am sure you can find gay men who had fathers who were properly attentive and mothers who were properly unattached. I guess what I am trying to say is that, yes, my family had a large impact on who I am as a person, but , no, they did not make me gay.
I guess that I even need to go through all of this stuff shows that we still need people to tell their stories.
Is my experience extra-special? I don’t know, it is all I have. But these are the experiences that I can share in the hopes that someone might find them enlightening and helpful.
So when did I “know” I was gay?
In all honesty, I would have to say that I knew back in high school. I tried not to acknowledge it, but it was there. I saw my first Playgirl at my “girlfriends” house and found myself getting aroused by the pictures of the naked men. My brother had some porn pictures in his underwear drawer (My brother was always so original) and I always found myself returning to the picture of the man and the woman having sex. I found myself not getting turned on by the naked woman, but the naked man…
Naked women never really did anything for me. I would try to make myself believe that I found women attractive and that they got me sexually aroused, but the truth is, they didn’t. Actually, when I would masturbate, I would think about men and then quickly change to women as I neared climax just to “prove” that I could climax to women and therefore I was not gay. But still, it was the men that attracted me.
During high school I also had my first crush. He was kind and smart and also a swimmer and a weight lifter. And, oh yeah, he also had a beautiful body. Just to be in his presence made me feel special. Just to have him talk to me made me feel wanted. At the time I would not have considered what I was feeling a crush, but it was. What I thought is that I have a really great, talented, friend. And, yes, I really, really, thought he was cute: Muscular in a swimmer sort of way.
What I find amazing is how we can lie to ourselves. I guess Freud would say that we could justify just about anything. If I were to look at my behavior, I would have seen my attraction written all over it. Once, while the swimmer and I were in high school, he was over at my parents’ house and we were watching movies. The swimmer was falling asleep so I just turned off the TV, pulled up a blanket, and fell asleep next to him. I knew what I was doing would not be considered “normal” but of course, I would not let myself believe I was gay.
I ended up going to the same college the swimmer did. “Ended up!” Who am I trying to kid? I would have gone anywhere the swimmer went. Luckily, the swimmer went to a good school. I came up with a reason to apply to the school and got accepted. So off to college I went.
The story continues here.
FYI
Some folks have told me that my story would make a good book. I am honored to think that people would like to read my story. So, not quite knowing how to go about doing this, I will probably preview things here in the blog. If some of this stuff sounds familiar, I apologize. I will put something in the tag section so you can skip it if you want.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Happy Anniversary!
Four years ago today, George Bush told us we had won in Iraq. Just another thing we can believe him about.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Now a Whine From Our Sponsor
Somewhere in my life someone told me somethings that I have believed. And although I have begun to see that these things are wrong, I still want to believe them. I really don’t want to have these images shattered. This two lies are simple: People are innately good; and Hard work and honesty will pay off. And even though I have time and again seen this disproved by life, I still have trouble casting it away.
Again, today, I have seen these principles tossed aside. I had been told last week that I would get a call about working today (Monday). I was also told that although it could not be guarenteed, working was probable and I should wait for a call from Kelly Services. I had not heard anything so I went to the place I worked and checked the assignment board. I was listed on the board under the title “Temp.” So, I was caught in a quandary: did I not go to work because I was not called and then find I was supposed to work? Or, did I go to work only to find I was not supposed to be there? I opted to go to work as this would be the proper thing to do if I was being paid and the employer was counting on me.
As you can probably guess, I got to work and was told, by one of the bosses, “I don’t need you.” I said that I was on the board. He said that I should go to the other part of the building because he did not need me. (I had already started to unpacking pop machines by this point. I believe if you are going to be at work, you should be working.) So I sat and waited for the other boss to arrive. When she got there, she told me that they didn’t need me but that I should wait around to see if anyone doesn’t show up. As you can probably guess, everybody showed up. So I got to go home, at 6:45 am.
Now what honked me off is two of the people who did get to work were two people who just stood around for an hour last Tuesday. Instead of trying to find something to do, they just stood outside and smoked. To me, that smacks of theft: if you are paid to work, you don’t just stand around and smoke for an hour. So, the two who took the place for a ride keep their job, and I, who looked for things to do if I was on the clock, end up going home.
Later, around 9 am, I get a phone call from Kelly services telling me that I shouldn’t go into work today as my position has been ended. Of course, I had already been to work and have returned by this time.
I called back to verify that I have received the call and to say that being called at 9 am for a job where I usually went in at 6 am was “inconvenient” to say the least. I also wondered if since I did go in if I was not entitled to some pay. They said they would get back to me.
And about people being nice…
Companies that won’t hire people but will get temps. Companies that put temps with full time employees even when to do so means that both the temp and them employee is in danger of injury. Companies that will rely on temps but will not extend any security to the temp. Governments that will give cars to judges but expect working folks to drive their own cars and use our tax dollars to pay for the judges cars. Bosses who walk in and say, “We don’t need you.” Why is it so hard to be nice?
It probably has become repetitive, but I am so sick of this whole thing. I am sick of having 10 years of college and am working sweeping floors. It is not that I am too good to sweep floors, it just seems a waste of an education. We also get told how badly the church needs clergy and here I sit, waiting for a call.
Oh, yes, I would like some cheese with this whine.
Again, today, I have seen these principles tossed aside. I had been told last week that I would get a call about working today (Monday). I was also told that although it could not be guarenteed, working was probable and I should wait for a call from Kelly Services. I had not heard anything so I went to the place I worked and checked the assignment board. I was listed on the board under the title “Temp.” So, I was caught in a quandary: did I not go to work because I was not called and then find I was supposed to work? Or, did I go to work only to find I was not supposed to be there? I opted to go to work as this would be the proper thing to do if I was being paid and the employer was counting on me.
As you can probably guess, I got to work and was told, by one of the bosses, “I don’t need you.” I said that I was on the board. He said that I should go to the other part of the building because he did not need me. (I had already started to unpacking pop machines by this point. I believe if you are going to be at work, you should be working.) So I sat and waited for the other boss to arrive. When she got there, she told me that they didn’t need me but that I should wait around to see if anyone doesn’t show up. As you can probably guess, everybody showed up. So I got to go home, at 6:45 am.
Now what honked me off is two of the people who did get to work were two people who just stood around for an hour last Tuesday. Instead of trying to find something to do, they just stood outside and smoked. To me, that smacks of theft: if you are paid to work, you don’t just stand around and smoke for an hour. So, the two who took the place for a ride keep their job, and I, who looked for things to do if I was on the clock, end up going home.
Later, around 9 am, I get a phone call from Kelly services telling me that I shouldn’t go into work today as my position has been ended. Of course, I had already been to work and have returned by this time.
I called back to verify that I have received the call and to say that being called at 9 am for a job where I usually went in at 6 am was “inconvenient” to say the least. I also wondered if since I did go in if I was not entitled to some pay. They said they would get back to me.
And about people being nice…
Companies that won’t hire people but will get temps. Companies that put temps with full time employees even when to do so means that both the temp and them employee is in danger of injury. Companies that will rely on temps but will not extend any security to the temp. Governments that will give cars to judges but expect working folks to drive their own cars and use our tax dollars to pay for the judges cars. Bosses who walk in and say, “We don’t need you.” Why is it so hard to be nice?
It probably has become repetitive, but I am so sick of this whole thing. I am sick of having 10 years of college and am working sweeping floors. It is not that I am too good to sweep floors, it just seems a waste of an education. We also get told how badly the church needs clergy and here I sit, waiting for a call.
Oh, yes, I would like some cheese with this whine.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Been a While
Sorry I havne't written in a while. (Well, a week.) Work is getting to me. I have been working 10 hour days and one day last week it was more like a 15 hour day. When I come home, I am whipped!
Poor Nick. I just want to come home and go to sleep. Needless to say, this do not do much in the line of romance. Actually, they wanted to change my hours which meant that we would only "see" each other between midnight and 7 am. Totally unacceptable.
I have not heard from any of the churches yet. I hope to soon. I have also found an opening for a chruch that is Episcopal, Lutheran, and Presbyterian. Hey! I cover two-thirds of those denominations! Maybe this will be a good fit.
Otherwise, I have been having a pity-party. I get into the "I have gone to 10 years of college to be moping floors!?" trap. I feel so whiney but I can't seem to shake it.
Oh, well, tomorrow is again back to the warehouse and the sodas.
Hope your life is going well! Peace to you all!
Poor Nick. I just want to come home and go to sleep. Needless to say, this do not do much in the line of romance. Actually, they wanted to change my hours which meant that we would only "see" each other between midnight and 7 am. Totally unacceptable.
I have not heard from any of the churches yet. I hope to soon. I have also found an opening for a chruch that is Episcopal, Lutheran, and Presbyterian. Hey! I cover two-thirds of those denominations! Maybe this will be a good fit.
Otherwise, I have been having a pity-party. I get into the "I have gone to 10 years of college to be moping floors!?" trap. I feel so whiney but I can't seem to shake it.
Oh, well, tomorrow is again back to the warehouse and the sodas.
Hope your life is going well! Peace to you all!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me
I had this on my blog before but the link does not work so here it is again.
Puttin' out Pop Machines
I have never thought about pop machines before. They were just something that was there. Sometimes they were intrusive, but mostly they were conviences that were there when I needed them and annoying when they weren't there when I wanted one.
Well, I have been spending the last three days in "pop machine land." I have been preping pop machines and pop coolers and have been delivering, removing, and moving pop machines.
First off: Pop machines are heavy! (Ah Duh, you say!) But do we really consider how heavy they are? They are refridgerators with advertisments and added mechanics. And moving these things up and down stairs is a real trip. They actually have this thing that will climb steps automatically. Kind of cool!
Then there are the coolers: Refridgerators with glass doors. And you CAN'T BREAK THE DOOR! So you have to move it with care even when you have a whole 2 inches to negotiate. But the customer is a big account so we must keep the customer happy! (Actually, I am not complaining. I actually enjoyed the job.)
And I learned the graphics didn't just appear on the machines. Think GIANT sticker. (29 inches x 6 feet) Now, put this thing on straight and without air bubbles. There are all kinds of tricks but if I told you, I would have to kill you.
Then comes the travel to put the things out. Yesterday, we left at 6:30 am and got back at 9:00 pm. When two hours are spent just getting there, they want you to do as much as possible.
Actually, not a bad job. I am enjoying it. It is a part of the world I have never thought of.
Well, I have been spending the last three days in "pop machine land." I have been preping pop machines and pop coolers and have been delivering, removing, and moving pop machines.
First off: Pop machines are heavy! (Ah Duh, you say!) But do we really consider how heavy they are? They are refridgerators with advertisments and added mechanics. And moving these things up and down stairs is a real trip. They actually have this thing that will climb steps automatically. Kind of cool!
Then there are the coolers: Refridgerators with glass doors. And you CAN'T BREAK THE DOOR! So you have to move it with care even when you have a whole 2 inches to negotiate. But the customer is a big account so we must keep the customer happy! (Actually, I am not complaining. I actually enjoyed the job.)
And I learned the graphics didn't just appear on the machines. Think GIANT sticker. (29 inches x 6 feet) Now, put this thing on straight and without air bubbles. There are all kinds of tricks but if I told you, I would have to kill you.
Then comes the travel to put the things out. Yesterday, we left at 6:30 am and got back at 9:00 pm. When two hours are spent just getting there, they want you to do as much as possible.
Actually, not a bad job. I am enjoying it. It is a part of the world I have never thought of.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Those Nagging Anniversaries
It was interesting yesterday morning: Here is was Easter and I was not responsible for making sure the Easter Breakfast was going to happen. This breakfast was part of the "other duties as assigned" that are part of a job but are not anything they tell you about when you take the job. This breakfast consisted of getting people to donate pans to use, donate food and to help set up, cook, and take down. As you my know, I am a TOTALLY organized person. (Yep, and how 'bout some swampland in Florida.)
Now I also had two LOVELY assistants who always found it better to complain than to help. They would sit back and watch, not offer any help, and then complain when things did not go as they had wanted. But do you think they would help me? In my opinion, that is the definition of crazy-making.
Letter to my LOVELY assistants:
Dear Sybil and Veruca,
How was Easter Breakfast this year?
Did it go well? That is good. I am glad.
You are probably thinking that it went so well bause Pr. Ben wasn't there
to screw it up. But let's think about it. It went well this year
because you had control and could do things the way you wanted. So, it
must have looked like it was all my fault.
But, you know, I would think that something else happened. This year
you didn't sit back and wait for me to fail. This year you got in there
and helped. So things went well. You also know, if you had helped
for the past three years, things could have gone much better. Instead of
waiting for me to fail and then saying, "See, he is lazy and inept", you could
have helped me and things would have been better all around.
Unfortunately, you will not see this. All you will see is how much
"better" things are now that I am gone. And you will feel all
self-righteous that now that I am gone things can be back to where they
were. Well, I hope you enjoy the feeling. But hopefully you can feel
the twinge that maybe if you would have helped, things could have been better
all the way around.
Your former "lazy" pastor,
Ben
Well, the child in me would love to send that. But again, they probably wouldn't understand. The child in me wants to hurt them as much as I allowed myself to be hurt by them. I would hope that in the future, I would have the nads to tell them that they can either be part of the solution or to just get out of the way.
Oh, well, live, learn, and grow.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Happy Easter!
May the Joy and Beauty of this season be with you and yours not only today, but the whole year through.
Oh, just wait, this is Easter! You mean the tracks in the snow were bunny tracks and not reindeer tracks!?
Happy Easter to you all!
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Trip to Saugatuck
Nick didn't have to work yesterday so he was wonderful and suggested we get away for mini-vacation. So we decided to go to Saugatuck for a couple of days. We have both been under a fair amount of stress lately and he thought it would be good to get away.
So we packed up and got someone to let the dog out. Then we headed on our way. Now last weekend was beautiful. Even Monday was great. But this weekend... Well, we left with snow flurries in the air and a fairly stiff breeze. I did manage to get gas at $2.54 a gallon, just before it went up to $2.86/gallon.
We went first to South Haven and did some shopping. One to the thing we saw in a store was just hilarious was a knife holder called "The Ex."
We had wished we knew someone who had gotten a divorce just so we could give it to them.
We then went and checked into our hotel and went shopping. It was nice to be in a place where there are more "'mos" per square mile than a Three Stooges convention. Many of the shops were owned by "family members."
We had a late lunch and the place had cream of crab soup. They only make it on the first Friday each month and we were lucky enough to be there on the right day! It was great stuff. We sat and ate and watched it snow.
Later we braved near blizzard conditions to go out to one of the local gay resorts. The place is called The Dunes. We thought the bar at "The Midwest's Largest Gay Resort" should have been a pretty happening time. Well... It was snowing and the Friday before Easter. But there was an underwear and speedo show on the big screen televisions. And besides, I was with Nick. (Sorry for the mushy part.)
I could barely see the road on the way home and it was not from the the beers. The snow was falling and blowing. Now remember, this was SUPPOSED to be a spring get-away.
When we awoke we were greeted with this:
It snowed all night.
Nick was feeling bad because he wanted it to be wonderful. But it was wonderful. It was fun in the fact that it was nothing we would have predicted. And besides, I got to spend some time with Nick which I haven't been able to over the past week.
So we packed up and got someone to let the dog out. Then we headed on our way. Now last weekend was beautiful. Even Monday was great. But this weekend... Well, we left with snow flurries in the air and a fairly stiff breeze. I did manage to get gas at $2.54 a gallon, just before it went up to $2.86/gallon.
We went first to South Haven and did some shopping. One to the thing we saw in a store was just hilarious was a knife holder called "The Ex."
We had wished we knew someone who had gotten a divorce just so we could give it to them.We then went and checked into our hotel and went shopping. It was nice to be in a place where there are more "'mos" per square mile than a Three Stooges convention. Many of the shops were owned by "family members."
We had a late lunch and the place had cream of crab soup. They only make it on the first Friday each month and we were lucky enough to be there on the right day! It was great stuff. We sat and ate and watched it snow.
Later we braved near blizzard conditions to go out to one of the local gay resorts. The place is called The Dunes. We thought the bar at "The Midwest's Largest Gay Resort" should have been a pretty happening time. Well... It was snowing and the Friday before Easter. But there was an underwear and speedo show on the big screen televisions. And besides, I was with Nick. (Sorry for the mushy part.)
I could barely see the road on the way home and it was not from the the beers. The snow was falling and blowing. Now remember, this was SUPPOSED to be a spring get-away.
When we awoke we were greeted with this:
It snowed all night.Nick was feeling bad because he wanted it to be wonderful. But it was wonderful. It was fun in the fact that it was nothing we would have predicted. And besides, I got to spend some time with Nick which I haven't been able to over the past week.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Grrrr...
I was just talking to one of my former coworkers and we got talking about why I was let go while other employees were kept. I guess people were talking and the only thing that they can come up with is that I was gay. I was a better worker. I didn't take as much time off. I was always on time. The only thing would have to be that I was gay. I am kind of worried for Nick.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
This is a Disgrace
I found this article at QueerSighted. It outraged me! Someday I hope to be a gay geezer and I hope I don't have to worry about being abused or abandoned when I get there.
This is something we all need to be concerned about.
This is something we all need to be concerned about.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Excitment that needs to be tempered.
Nick and I have been surfing the web checking on the weather in the San Francisco bay area. There is a church looking for a priest and the place sounds like a perfect (well, as perfect as it can be from an internet post) fit. I am really excited but I don't want to get too excited. I don't want to build this up too much and then crash if it doesn't come through. So off with the resume, cover letter, and official forms. I won't hear anything until after Easter. But something good could be in the works!
On other things: I was walking in the park today and saw a pull-tab on the ground. I got to thinking, how long ago was it that cans had pull-tabs? It had to be at least 20. So, that garbage has been lying around for 20 years. And now I feel stupid because I did not pick it up and throw it away.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Tuesday
Well, what can I say... The roller coaster is going full tilt. My moods have been up and have been down. I just want to say that there should be a seperate circle of Hell for HSBC . They call repeatedly and will never leave a message. They keep harassing me even though I told them that I do not have the money and will pay when I can.
What I hate about all of these credit places is that they treat people like they are children. It is this whole, "You are a bad person, you owe us money and we know you have it and aren't paying us." You think if I had the money I would put up with the harassment?
I said in the past that I didn't want to become a poster-child for Gay Clergy. I am feeling much more like moving up to the front. I heard that it was not even mentioned in my ELCA clergy group that I had left. I was wondering why I didn't hear anything from anyone. Then I found out that nobody called because nobody knew.
I have started to apply for jobs in the secular market. Kind of sad when a clergy person can't find a call. We hear all this talk about how few clergy there are, well here is one just sitting around. There aren't even any temp jobs around here. Oh well, on April first I will be able to apply for unemployment.
What I hate about all of these credit places is that they treat people like they are children. It is this whole, "You are a bad person, you owe us money and we know you have it and aren't paying us." You think if I had the money I would put up with the harassment?
I said in the past that I didn't want to become a poster-child for Gay Clergy. I am feeling much more like moving up to the front. I heard that it was not even mentioned in my ELCA clergy group that I had left. I was wondering why I didn't hear anything from anyone. Then I found out that nobody called because nobody knew.
I have started to apply for jobs in the secular market. Kind of sad when a clergy person can't find a call. We hear all this talk about how few clergy there are, well here is one just sitting around. There aren't even any temp jobs around here. Oh well, on April first I will be able to apply for unemployment.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Friday Morning
Hello Friends in the Blogosphere!
Well, what has been happening this past week? I got to stuff envelopes for two days. Not the world's worst job (by a long shot!) but also not very fulfilling. Trying to find a job in Michigan is not an easy thing. We are at the bottom when it comes to employment and at the top in unemployment.
I just get the feeling that something has to happen. I want to wait on the church and hope something comes but I am getting tired of the indecision. I feel like I am wasting here. I feel bad because I am not able to help out with the finances here. Nick tells me not to worry, but I do.
I am starting to look at job jobs. I guess I can serve God in other realms. If the church doesn't want me, then I it is there loss. I just need to do something! And with Nick's news, the look for a job becomes even more important. I hope to be a bit proactive in this process.
My house officially went into foreclosure yesterday. Now is the six-month redemption period. I hope to sell but I figure my credit rating will be screwed for seven years. According to one death clock, I won't be around that long anyway.
I am back on my meds and seem to be doing ok. I still want to flee and leave all the problems behind me. I guess escapist fantasies are not unusual.
I just got an e-mail today (March 23) telling me that March 22 was International Goof Off Day. I guess they would have said something yesterday but they were goofing off.
I do worry about Nick. (He knows this so reading this will not shock him.) He is going through a lot of things and I am not really in a good spot to be supportive to him. Actually, our whole time together has been somewhat chaotic. In all the time he has known me, I have been going through the coming-out process. I try to be aware of his needs, but I know at times I fall short.
Thanks for letting me sound off. I have to go to the bank and finish the sermon for this Sunday. I will be presiding and preaching at a local church.
Oh, the picture of the panda? I took that at the Memphis zoo.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Sunday Evening Thoughts
Hi Everybody!
Hope you have had a great weekend. Here, the weekend went well but got rather hectic toward the end.
Friday night was pretty low key. My back was still hurting so Nick and I just hung out at home. It may sound corny, but just having him here makes it more enjoyable to be at home.
Saturday morning I made the mistake volunteered to help some former congregation members. They needed help in moving their antique business. Now I don't mind helping people, but when I am asked to be at the shop at 10 am and we don't start putting stuff in my truck until almost 11:45 am, I get a little miffed. Finally, at around 1 pm I got home so Nick and I could go to a movie.
We went to "300." It wasn't too bad. Actually, for someone, like me, with a jock fetish, it was GREAT! Who would think that Spartans would all have 6-pack abs (There were more 6-packs in this movie than you would find at a frat party!), wax, and wear leather speedos. Now, from the front, these leather speedos looked to all the world like leather jock straps. It was wonderful. There is a butt shot but no frontals, bummer.
What miffed me was that there was a family who brought what looked like a 1 year old and a 6 year old to the movie. I don't know what the 1 year old may have gotten, but the movie was WAY too violent for the 6 year old. In my opinion, this is bordering on child abuse. A 6 year old does not have the mental faculties to deal with seeing someone get his head chopped off.
Saturday night was again pretty laid-back. But then came Sunday Morning!
Nick was getting ready to go to church. He was a little flustered because this is the last time he will preach for this congregation. I was still in bed. Then my phone rang. It was my realtor reminding me that we had an open-house from 2:30-4 that afternoon. Suddenly I was up and Nick was going quickly trying to get the house ready for the showing.
Finally, Nick had to leave and I continued to clean. I then had to get ready because I was presiding at the communion service at the local Episcopal church. The house was about 1/2 ready at this time.
I went to church and the service when well. I need to do more of these so I can learn how the whole Episcopal thing works. I am sure I will get it, it will just take time and an understanding congregation.
I got home and again went into a cleaning frenzy. Now, most of you would not understand how out of character this is. I score WAY HIGH on the "P" scale of the Meyers-Briggs test; in other words, I am NOT a very organized person and cleaning to me means that the piles don't run into each other.
I am pleased to say, that when Nick came home, he was pleasantly surprised with the state of the house. And we were able to show the house at 2:30 pm.
So, while the house was showing, Nick, Amber (the dog), and I went out to the Home and Builders Show. The cats got to stay at home because they would probably hide anyway. Not too much to see at the show. Yes, there was a lot of nice lawn layouts, and ponds, and all of that. But the eye candy left something to be desired. The best view was a guy at the concession stand as we were walking out of the show.
Well, we got home and had a roast that Nick put in the crock pot in the morning. Now we are doing computer stuff (Nick is checking out insurance prices and I am blogging, of course) and watching TV as they save the west coast from sliding into the ocean.
Tomorrow I get to go and stuff envelopes again. It doesn't pay much, but it is a job.
I hope to hear from the Deployment person about some calls in the church. He went to a conference last week and hopefully he will have some good news.
Hope you all are having a great day and hug someone you love!
Hope you have had a great weekend. Here, the weekend went well but got rather hectic toward the end.
Friday night was pretty low key. My back was still hurting so Nick and I just hung out at home. It may sound corny, but just having him here makes it more enjoyable to be at home.
Saturday morning I made the mistake volunteered to help some former congregation members. They needed help in moving their antique business. Now I don't mind helping people, but when I am asked to be at the shop at 10 am and we don't start putting stuff in my truck until almost 11:45 am, I get a little miffed. Finally, at around 1 pm I got home so Nick and I could go to a movie.
We went to "300." It wasn't too bad. Actually, for someone, like me, with a jock fetish, it was GREAT! Who would think that Spartans would all have 6-pack abs (There were more 6-packs in this movie than you would find at a frat party!), wax, and wear leather speedos. Now, from the front, these leather speedos looked to all the world like leather jock straps. It was wonderful. There is a butt shot but no frontals, bummer.
What miffed me was that there was a family who brought what looked like a 1 year old and a 6 year old to the movie. I don't know what the 1 year old may have gotten, but the movie was WAY too violent for the 6 year old. In my opinion, this is bordering on child abuse. A 6 year old does not have the mental faculties to deal with seeing someone get his head chopped off.
Saturday night was again pretty laid-back. But then came Sunday Morning!
Nick was getting ready to go to church. He was a little flustered because this is the last time he will preach for this congregation. I was still in bed. Then my phone rang. It was my realtor reminding me that we had an open-house from 2:30-4 that afternoon. Suddenly I was up and Nick was going quickly trying to get the house ready for the showing.
Finally, Nick had to leave and I continued to clean. I then had to get ready because I was presiding at the communion service at the local Episcopal church. The house was about 1/2 ready at this time.
I went to church and the service when well. I need to do more of these so I can learn how the whole Episcopal thing works. I am sure I will get it, it will just take time and an understanding congregation.
I got home and again went into a cleaning frenzy. Now, most of you would not understand how out of character this is. I score WAY HIGH on the "P" scale of the Meyers-Briggs test; in other words, I am NOT a very organized person and cleaning to me means that the piles don't run into each other.
I am pleased to say, that when Nick came home, he was pleasantly surprised with the state of the house. And we were able to show the house at 2:30 pm.
So, while the house was showing, Nick, Amber (the dog), and I went out to the Home and Builders Show. The cats got to stay at home because they would probably hide anyway. Not too much to see at the show. Yes, there was a lot of nice lawn layouts, and ponds, and all of that. But the eye candy left something to be desired. The best view was a guy at the concession stand as we were walking out of the show.
Well, we got home and had a roast that Nick put in the crock pot in the morning. Now we are doing computer stuff (Nick is checking out insurance prices and I am blogging, of course) and watching TV as they save the west coast from sliding into the ocean.
Tomorrow I get to go and stuff envelopes again. It doesn't pay much, but it is a job.
I hope to hear from the Deployment person about some calls in the church. He went to a conference last week and hopefully he will have some good news.
Hope you all are having a great day and hug someone you love!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Some Observations
(In writing this, I may sound like a pampered poodle, if so, please forgive me!)
One of the "blessings" of being unemployed is learning how difficult it really is to navagate "The System." All modesty aside, I am a pretty bright guy. But the process of trying to access the system is totally nuts!
I didn't know about medical help until I was on the phone to find out why I couldn't get unemployment. Then I was told that it appeared I didn't make ENOUGH to qualify. I was shocked! I needed to make more money so I could get some support because I didn't have a job.
I also am thankful for my therapist. What he did is probably not conventional, but he got on the phone and called my MD to get my meds adjusted. I truthfully don't know if I would have called. When depression hits, people do (or not do) weird things.
I hope that I will be able to use this experience to understand those I encounter who are trying to navagate the system. It is a weird system and I am getting a first had look at it.
Thanks for the kinds words and prayers from you all.
One of the "blessings" of being unemployed is learning how difficult it really is to navagate "The System." All modesty aside, I am a pretty bright guy. But the process of trying to access the system is totally nuts!
I didn't know about medical help until I was on the phone to find out why I couldn't get unemployment. Then I was told that it appeared I didn't make ENOUGH to qualify. I was shocked! I needed to make more money so I could get some support because I didn't have a job.
I also am thankful for my therapist. What he did is probably not conventional, but he got on the phone and called my MD to get my meds adjusted. I truthfully don't know if I would have called. When depression hits, people do (or not do) weird things.
I hope that I will be able to use this experience to understand those I encounter who are trying to navagate the system. It is a weird system and I am getting a first had look at it.
Thanks for the kinds words and prayers from you all.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Hey all
I had an appointment with my therapist today. And things are looking much better. My therapist has a way of kicking me in the butt and waking me up. He also helped me to find how to get my psychotropic meds even though I don't have a job. I had been "rationing" them because I could not afford to get another prescription so I was not taking them the way I should. I also had to promise that I would not off myself or hurt myself before our next appointment next week.
No Sleep Tonight
Well, the moment I try to close my eyes, I ruminate on all the bills that need to be paid. My mind whirls with shut-off notices. I am so frustrated that nothing seems to be happening.
I am on the futon so I don't keep Nick up because he has to work tomorrow. But that just means that I will be home alone tomorrow, dodging phone calls.
I am tired of life but too chicken to end it. I cannot see an ending to this. Something has to give soon: either the world needs to change or I am going to give out.
Where is God in all of this? I am beginning to think that God is some kind of construct we create so we don't have to face the terror that this is all there is.
I am on the futon so I don't keep Nick up because he has to work tomorrow. But that just means that I will be home alone tomorrow, dodging phone calls.
I am tired of life but too chicken to end it. I cannot see an ending to this. Something has to give soon: either the world needs to change or I am going to give out.
Where is God in all of this? I am beginning to think that God is some kind of construct we create so we don't have to face the terror that this is all there is.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I'm ready to quit
Well, faithful readers, your host is getting tired.
Between not finding a job, not having a job, and not having the money in my account to pay the bills, and my back hurting every time I move, I am really losing any desire to go on.
Would the world notice if I were not here?
I don't know if this is a cry for help or just a statement of fact. Maybe both. I want to be rescued. I want to just have this all go away. I feel like I have nothing to give that anyone in the world wants.
I apologize to Nick in writing this. He has done his best to be supportive and loving. Sometimes neurochemistry just is more powerful.
Between not finding a job, not having a job, and not having the money in my account to pay the bills, and my back hurting every time I move, I am really losing any desire to go on.
Would the world notice if I were not here?
I don't know if this is a cry for help or just a statement of fact. Maybe both. I want to be rescued. I want to just have this all go away. I feel like I have nothing to give that anyone in the world wants.
I apologize to Nick in writing this. He has done his best to be supportive and loving. Sometimes neurochemistry just is more powerful.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Wrap-Up and General Thoughts
First off, Saturday was the 69th day of the year. I hope you all celebrated it appropriately!
I am back from New Orleans and it has been bittersweet. I am happy to be home but upon coming home there are all of the problems to come home to. While I was in New Orleans, it was possible to forget about all the various things and to just enjoy the time. Now I have to worry about the bills and worry about how I am going to make ends meet. I am so happy to have Nick with me, but I feel bad about really leaning on him.
I have been procrastinating getting my paperwork done. When I procrastinate, it generally ties back to something I am fearing; and I am fearing being back in the church. My experiences in the congregation have not been overly positive and I am not so sure the congregation is where I want to be. Nick thinks that maybe I am just a little gun shy and that I should give it a try. However, to look for a congregation that will be open to new and challenging ideas.
Seeing the damage in NOLA helped me to get some perspective, but still the problems are here. Granted, I am not homeless, but I still have the problems. Oh well.
I am back from New Orleans and it has been bittersweet. I am happy to be home but upon coming home there are all of the problems to come home to. While I was in New Orleans, it was possible to forget about all the various things and to just enjoy the time. Now I have to worry about the bills and worry about how I am going to make ends meet. I am so happy to have Nick with me, but I feel bad about really leaning on him.
I have been procrastinating getting my paperwork done. When I procrastinate, it generally ties back to something I am fearing; and I am fearing being back in the church. My experiences in the congregation have not been overly positive and I am not so sure the congregation is where I want to be. Nick thinks that maybe I am just a little gun shy and that I should give it a try. However, to look for a congregation that will be open to new and challenging ideas.
Seeing the damage in NOLA helped me to get some perspective, but still the problems are here. Granted, I am not homeless, but I still have the problems. Oh well.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Thursday Morning Thoughts
Well, today is our last day in New Orleans.
First, I'd like to clear up a misconception that Ur-Spo voiced in a comment about the picture of Jackson Square. (Spo my friend, I am not trying to pick on you!) One of the misconceptions is that the French Quarter got the attention because of tourist bucks. That does make sense, but the truth of the matter is that the quarter, being the oldest part of the city, was also built on the highest part of the city. So when the flood waters came in, the quarter just got some wet streets. Where other parts got lots of high water (some places do not have a "bathtub ring" because the water went over the top of the houses)the French Quarter was spared. (Makes you wonder about the people who said that the flood was the wrath of God against the city for its decadence and its support of GLBT people!)
But the trip has given me time to think and time to talk. One of the hard things about being a member of the clergy is the, in my opinion, artificiality of position. I guess there is an aspect of this with all jobs, but sometimes it just feels stifling. So much of what makes me "Me" has to be hidden because it does not conform to others expectations of what a "good clergy" should be.
How can I tell others to be true to themselves and be the wondrous creatures God made them to be when I, myself, am not following this advice? Do we need to crash the image of the clergy? Will people be ready for that? Can the church survive without the "Pseudo-god" standing in front of them each Sunday (or whatever day is the worship day)?
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Some More Sights of New Orleans
There are so many pictures of the destruction that is here in New Orleans. Yes, you can find neighborhoods that are empty, but that is not the whole story. New Orleans is a city that is fighting to rebuild itself. So in honor of the spirit of these people, I am posting picture not of the destruction, but of the beautiful sights that are still to be found.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Tuesday
Today has gone great so far. The temprature was around 75 degrees and there was a gentle breeze. I kind of smile when I see that they are dealing with temps in the teens back home.
We are going to go to Bourbon Street again tonight. Last night we were there and I could have sworn it was "Family" Night! Some nice sightings in the French Quarter!
The days have been tiring and somewhat difficult. It is hard to believe that after 18 months there are still home in New Orleans that have not yet been touched. We worked with a family that had lost the roof to their home and had moved out. And we gutted two homes where the people moved to Mississippi. It is kind of jarring to be carrying things out of a house and realizing that this is a person's whole life we are throwing in the trash heap.
Not much in the line of pictures. We have been asked to not to take many. The group we are working with don't want people surfing the internet and find their homes as blog posts.
We are going to go to Bourbon Street again tonight. Last night we were there and I could have sworn it was "Family" Night! Some nice sightings in the French Quarter!
The days have been tiring and somewhat difficult. It is hard to believe that after 18 months there are still home in New Orleans that have not yet been touched. We worked with a family that had lost the roof to their home and had moved out. And we gutted two homes where the people moved to Mississippi. It is kind of jarring to be carrying things out of a house and realizing that this is a person's whole life we are throwing in the trash heap.
Not much in the line of pictures. We have been asked to not to take many. The group we are working with don't want people surfing the internet and find their homes as blog posts.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Monday Morning
One of the things I really don't like about getting older is the whole "waking up at the same time" thing. I used to be able to sleep-in forever but now, I am up at 7am whether I am in the Eastern time zone, or, like now, in the Central time zone. So I am awake and posting on the blog.
Last night we went to a local seafood restaurant in New Orleans. It was a small place but the food was good.
I find it kind of eerie how there are still so many houses without anyone living in them. In the area we are staying, there are more empty houses than occupied houses. I am guessing that before Katrina this was a fairly upscale neighborhood due to the proximity to Lake Pontchartrain. But now, things are dark and quiet here at night.
Today we actually start the work of gutting. I don't know what to expect. I know that my body was built for comfort, not hard work. Oh well.
I have been slowly outing myself to some of the people on the trip. The general question that brings up the topic is how I came from being a Lutheran pastor to being an Episcopal priest and why I am not in a church. When asked, I will joke about "wanting the Reader's Digest" version or the "Mini-series." Mostly, though, they just get the "Reader's Digest" version.
At the risk of jinxing myself: This trip is going so much better than my last church related excursion! I was kind of scared to go this time because of what happened in San Antonio. I guess we just have to get back on the bus when we get kicked off.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
In Baton Rouge
Well, I made it to baton Rouge. I was drop dead tired. Riding a bus (a nice bus, but a bus just the same) for 18 hours can be pretty tiring. And we had a driver who thought 70 mph was just a suggestion. Why drive the speed limit when you can drive 55 mph and get there three hours later!! Oh well
I am shocked by the job market here. They can't get enough people to do the jobs. I think I could handle the sun and the warm. There are some church possibilities too, that would be nice. Nick told me that this could be a networking opportunity and he may be prophetic.
We will be going to New Orleans soon and then all the work will start. I guess that is good. But for now, I am totally enjoying the warmth. It is so nice to just sit in the sun and listen to the birds.
I am shocked by the job market here. They can't get enough people to do the jobs. I think I could handle the sun and the warm. There are some church possibilities too, that would be nice. Nick told me that this could be a networking opportunity and he may be prophetic.
We will be going to New Orleans soon and then all the work will start. I guess that is good. But for now, I am totally enjoying the warmth. It is so nice to just sit in the sun and listen to the birds.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Going to New Orleans
I am going with Canterbury MSU to New Orleans to help with the continued Katrina clean-up. You can follow along at the blog, here.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
An Ironic Twist
I didn't hear about this before. I am not advocating embezzelment, but I think it is funny when the laws rebound on people.
http://www.washblade.com/2006/11-3/news/national/twist.cfm
In short, Michael Kopper, who embezzeled something like 19 million from Enron put a bunch of money into his partner's account. Since Texas does not recognize gay marriage, the court cannot treat the pratner as a spouse and must treat him as a "third party" which makes it harder to get the money. If Texas would recognize gay marriage, they could have gotten the money back.
http://www.washblade.com/2006/11-3/news/national/twist.cfm
In short, Michael Kopper, who embezzeled something like 19 million from Enron put a bunch of money into his partner's account. Since Texas does not recognize gay marriage, the court cannot treat the pratner as a spouse and must treat him as a "third party" which makes it harder to get the money. If Texas would recognize gay marriage, they could have gotten the money back.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Letter to Dr. Laura
I stole this from an ad for a place that sells "adult toys." I know it is kind of old, but I thought it was funny.
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Thank-you.
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Thank-you.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Various Thoughts...
Sometimes we see things about ourselves that we don't like.
One thing that I noted was that I was secretly hoping people I had worked with get fired. I know that seems horrible and it scared me when I noted it. I wanted those people to get fired so I didn't have to feel bad about losing my job.
I also have noted that I have been wanting to hurt people. Not just anyone (no, I am not going postal) but those people who (I feel) have hurt me. I guess it is the childish desire to "get back" at those people.
I guess I am still trying to heal some hurts. We all have hurts, but these never seem to have time to heal. Or maybe healing is occurring and I am just not aware of it. I look back and see the healing, it just dosen't seem like the healing is occurring while the events are happening.
Other Thoughts: I have started hanging out again at the Christain Forums chat site. I guess I need to go there every now and again to realize how closed minded people are. What makes me even more sad is how the people who claim to be the "stongest Christians" are the most closed minded. Some of them I want to tell, "You are not being treated badly because you are a Christian, you are being treated badly because you are a jerk."
I think it is the Tim LaHays of the world that propegate the notion that everyone is out to get rid of the all the Christians. (Read: Born-Again, Fundimentalist Christians.)
One thing that I noted was that I was secretly hoping people I had worked with get fired. I know that seems horrible and it scared me when I noted it. I wanted those people to get fired so I didn't have to feel bad about losing my job.
I also have noted that I have been wanting to hurt people. Not just anyone (no, I am not going postal) but those people who (I feel) have hurt me. I guess it is the childish desire to "get back" at those people.
I guess I am still trying to heal some hurts. We all have hurts, but these never seem to have time to heal. Or maybe healing is occurring and I am just not aware of it. I look back and see the healing, it just dosen't seem like the healing is occurring while the events are happening.
Other Thoughts: I have started hanging out again at the Christain Forums chat site. I guess I need to go there every now and again to realize how closed minded people are. What makes me even more sad is how the people who claim to be the "stongest Christians" are the most closed minded. Some of them I want to tell, "You are not being treated badly because you are a Christian, you are being treated badly because you are a jerk."
I think it is the Tim LaHays of the world that propegate the notion that everyone is out to get rid of the all the Christians. (Read: Born-Again, Fundimentalist Christians.)
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Humm, Green... I'll need to think about that.
Lemuel came before me in the chain of people trying this, so I thought I would too!
| Your Brain is Green |
 You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual). |
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day!
Hope Cupid makes a stop at your house!
Hug someone you love! (Better yet, hug someone you want to love!)
Monday, February 12, 2007
Lightning Struck
I just got a call telling me not to come in to work. I guess I am happy they waited until after weekend. That way I got to enjoy the weekend without futzing over it.
I had no idea I was on the block. I thought I was doing well. I was trying to do my best, to give what they asked, "world class service." I guess my best wasn't good enough.
So I am back to being unemployed. I know God is still in this, just where?
I had no idea I was on the block. I thought I was doing well. I was trying to do my best, to give what they asked, "world class service." I guess my best wasn't good enough.
So I am back to being unemployed. I know God is still in this, just where?
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Who would survive a new ice age?
Nick and I were talking and I got to thinking about all the end-of-the-world scenarios that seem to be on tv lately. I was thinking, "What if Yellowstone were to explode and we were thrown into another ice age? Who would survive?"
I thought and finally came up with the answer: Martha Stewart! Let's face it, the woman can do anything! If we had another ice age, Martha would know how to tan dog hides to make a matching jacket and muffler. She could prepare frozen "meat" to make a tasty and quick meal. She could arrange an igloo to make room for entertaining the few people who were left.
Martha would survive. Heaven help us all!
I thought and finally came up with the answer: Martha Stewart! Let's face it, the woman can do anything! If we had another ice age, Martha would know how to tan dog hides to make a matching jacket and muffler. She could prepare frozen "meat" to make a tasty and quick meal. She could arrange an igloo to make room for entertaining the few people who were left.
Martha would survive. Heaven help us all!
If You Will...
I just really hate this phrase: "If you will..."
I mean really, what does it mean? I was listening to NPR the this morning and a guy who was being interviewed said "If you will" something like three times during a two minute response.
I hate "If you will..." It is like saying, "You are too dumb to understand what I really want to say, so I will make it easier for you."
Every time I hear, "If you will..." I want to shout, "What if I won't?"
I mean really, what does it mean? I was listening to NPR the this morning and a guy who was being interviewed said "If you will" something like three times during a two minute response.
I hate "If you will..." It is like saying, "You are too dumb to understand what I really want to say, so I will make it easier for you."
Every time I hear, "If you will..." I want to shout, "What if I won't?"
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Lightening From The Blue
Two people got fired from work in the past two days.
Now, I know they cannot say why these people got fired, but it definitely sent a chilling effect around the office. We all can't help but wonder, "Are we next?"
These people seemed to be doing their work well. At least I didn't see anything wrong. So we all are wondering if our head is on the block next.
I have said it before: I don't think I was cut out for corporate culture.
Now, I know they cannot say why these people got fired, but it definitely sent a chilling effect around the office. We all can't help but wonder, "Are we next?"
These people seemed to be doing their work well. At least I didn't see anything wrong. So we all are wondering if our head is on the block next.
I have said it before: I don't think I was cut out for corporate culture.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Current Events Rant
(DANGER! This is really disjointed. Stream of thought)
I have been thinking about a couple of things lately. The two are related although some may think it is a stretch. One is the Snickers commercial on the Super Bowl and the second is Ted Haggard’s miraculous trip through reparative therapy.
I guess first, I will talk about Pr. Haggard. How quickly was that reparation therapy? I know Jesus can do anything, but people spend years coming to the realization that reparation therapy doesn’t work in prayer to make a change in their sexual orientation. Now suddenly, Pr. Haggard is able to make the change in just three weeks. A miracle has happened to him!
But think of how much he has at stake in this “miracle:” He is the “chosenest” of God’s chosen. To validate the whole mega-church thing, Ted would have to propagate the idea that God has a special relationship with him; so God would, of course, answer his prayers quickest.
I feel it is almost like Ted is trying to get the “official” things over with so he can fade into the background. He goes to treatment and suddenly he is cured! Now he can go on with life without a lot of people watching. I may be wrong, but that is the feeling I am getting.
However, Pr. Haggard will never be able to fade into the background. He will be watched for the rest of his life. Especially since he had such a “miracle” change. People are going to be waiting for him to fall again.
The other thing is the whole Snickers fiasco. How could anyone in a leadership position NOT thing that commercial was offensive? And I am not just talking about it from a GLBT position.
The GLBT stuff is offensive enough. People would be willing to mutilate themselves and others just to prove they are not gay. As if being gay is so reprehensible that one would prefer to indulge in self-mutilation than be gay. Or one would rather drink noxious liquids (possibly poisonous, e.g. commit suicide) than be gay. That is totally offensive!
If the commercial had people committing suicide because they were black, then the whole country would be in an uproar. You would not be hearing people say, “Humor is subjective.” The boycott would be on and the president of M&M/Mars would be out on a rail.
But all we hear is hardly an apology. Yes, they have yanked the commercials and the web site, but is that enough. Are they yanking the commercials because they were wrong or because they will be bad for business?
But what both of these events are saying is that “We need to get rid of homosexuality at all cost!” We have to have divine intervention or pound it out of each other. We need to have it miraculously removed or kill ourselves. We have not gone as far as we hoped.
This is kind of rambling, sorry.
I have been thinking about a couple of things lately. The two are related although some may think it is a stretch. One is the Snickers commercial on the Super Bowl and the second is Ted Haggard’s miraculous trip through reparative therapy.
I guess first, I will talk about Pr. Haggard. How quickly was that reparation therapy? I know Jesus can do anything, but people spend years coming to the realization that reparation therapy doesn’t work in prayer to make a change in their sexual orientation. Now suddenly, Pr. Haggard is able to make the change in just three weeks. A miracle has happened to him!
But think of how much he has at stake in this “miracle:” He is the “chosenest” of God’s chosen. To validate the whole mega-church thing, Ted would have to propagate the idea that God has a special relationship with him; so God would, of course, answer his prayers quickest.
I feel it is almost like Ted is trying to get the “official” things over with so he can fade into the background. He goes to treatment and suddenly he is cured! Now he can go on with life without a lot of people watching. I may be wrong, but that is the feeling I am getting.
However, Pr. Haggard will never be able to fade into the background. He will be watched for the rest of his life. Especially since he had such a “miracle” change. People are going to be waiting for him to fall again.
The other thing is the whole Snickers fiasco. How could anyone in a leadership position NOT thing that commercial was offensive? And I am not just talking about it from a GLBT position.
The GLBT stuff is offensive enough. People would be willing to mutilate themselves and others just to prove they are not gay. As if being gay is so reprehensible that one would prefer to indulge in self-mutilation than be gay. Or one would rather drink noxious liquids (possibly poisonous, e.g. commit suicide) than be gay. That is totally offensive!
If the commercial had people committing suicide because they were black, then the whole country would be in an uproar. You would not be hearing people say, “Humor is subjective.” The boycott would be on and the president of M&M/Mars would be out on a rail.
But all we hear is hardly an apology. Yes, they have yanked the commercials and the web site, but is that enough. Are they yanking the commercials because they were wrong or because they will be bad for business?
But what both of these events are saying is that “We need to get rid of homosexuality at all cost!” We have to have divine intervention or pound it out of each other. We need to have it miraculously removed or kill ourselves. We have not gone as far as we hoped.
This is kind of rambling, sorry.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
I Just Don't Get It.
I got called into the boss's office last Thursday. The boss handed me the case number and asked me to come see him when I had the chance. I checked the case and I remembered what happened: I user called with a problem that one of her programs were running slow. Now, we knew that one of the servers was running slow, but we were also told to troubleshoot the problem. So I troubleshot the problem. I assisted the woman in cleaning her cache and compacting her drive. I also told her how to clear some things from her computer so she would have have to reboot her computer when a program would not properly launch. The woman was extremely happy for the information.
I look at the case and tried to figure out what I did that would cause me to get called into the office. I couldn't think of any except maybe I told her the wrong thing in clearing the memory.
I went into the office and said, "So what did I do wrong?" My boss said, "Nothing, it was great customer service to help the woman tweak her computer." I thought, "Wow! I am going to get an 'atta boy' for doing somethin right!"
But then he continued, "But this was a known problem, so you should have cut your losses and just gotten off the phone."
????????????????
We are told almost daily that we are trying to be a "World-Class Service Desk," how does not helping the client make us World-Class? Aren't we there to assist the client? I can't believe I got called into the office for being too nice to a client.
Maybe I just don't understand the corporate world. I work for the "Hearding Cats" company and sometimes just working there feels like hearding cats.
I just have to remember, this is not a career, it is just a job. I will do my best, but I need not get overly upset. I guess I just get frustrated because I am a people pleaser and it just seems like there is no way to please anyone!
I look at the case and tried to figure out what I did that would cause me to get called into the office. I couldn't think of any except maybe I told her the wrong thing in clearing the memory.
I went into the office and said, "So what did I do wrong?" My boss said, "Nothing, it was great customer service to help the woman tweak her computer." I thought, "Wow! I am going to get an 'atta boy' for doing somethin right!"
But then he continued, "But this was a known problem, so you should have cut your losses and just gotten off the phone."
????????????????
We are told almost daily that we are trying to be a "World-Class Service Desk," how does not helping the client make us World-Class? Aren't we there to assist the client? I can't believe I got called into the office for being too nice to a client.
Maybe I just don't understand the corporate world. I work for the "Hearding Cats" company and sometimes just working there feels like hearding cats.
I just have to remember, this is not a career, it is just a job. I will do my best, but I need not get overly upset. I guess I just get frustrated because I am a people pleaser and it just seems like there is no way to please anyone!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
The trail continues
Well, some good things have been happening here! It is about time!
Nick and I were talking about the situation of the Episcopal student union at the local university. They currently do not have a priest and I currently do not have a call. Wouldn’t it work well if I could help fulfill their need?
Well, last Sunday, I was at church and one of the college students came up to me and told me that we needed to talk. No usually I am leery about these word, but I stopped and listened. She told me that the student union needed a priest and that I needed some experience in the Episcopal church. I said that she was right! I told her that I was about to call the bishop to see if there was some way we could tie these needs together.
She told me that she had already talked to the bishop and everything was ok. We are going to talk and see how our schedules can mesh.
I just about dropped over. Here was God working in the background while I thought nothing was happening.
So a new path is opening. I am excited to see where it is going.
Nick and I were talking about the situation of the Episcopal student union at the local university. They currently do not have a priest and I currently do not have a call. Wouldn’t it work well if I could help fulfill their need?
Well, last Sunday, I was at church and one of the college students came up to me and told me that we needed to talk. No usually I am leery about these word, but I stopped and listened. She told me that the student union needed a priest and that I needed some experience in the Episcopal church. I said that she was right! I told her that I was about to call the bishop to see if there was some way we could tie these needs together.
She told me that she had already talked to the bishop and everything was ok. We are going to talk and see how our schedules can mesh.
I just about dropped over. Here was God working in the background while I thought nothing was happening.
So a new path is opening. I am excited to see where it is going.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
So I Ain't Normal
You Are 45% Normal |
 While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself |
Thanks to Wayne
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Kick 'em When They're Down
I just don't understand mortgage companies. As most of you know who read my blog, I am having some difficulty in making my mortgage payments. Well, will all of this difficulty, what does my mortgage company do? Do they try to work with me so I can at least try to make payments? NO!
I got a letter yesterday telling me that my mortgage payment is going up! My mortgage went up about $200 dollars in October and is going to go up approximately another $100 dollars in March.
I get the feeling they smell blood in the water. So, since I am down, the company is going to keep stabbing.
What I find interesting is the lack of business sense this makes. If I had a permanent job, I would be looking for another mortgage company, but right now I can't. So I can't pay and they up my interest, if I could pay I would leave but I can't pay so I go into default: either way, they lose my account. This doesn't seem to make any sense to me.
I got a letter yesterday telling me that my mortgage payment is going up! My mortgage went up about $200 dollars in October and is going to go up approximately another $100 dollars in March.
I get the feeling they smell blood in the water. So, since I am down, the company is going to keep stabbing.
What I find interesting is the lack of business sense this makes. If I had a permanent job, I would be looking for another mortgage company, but right now I can't. So I can't pay and they up my interest, if I could pay I would leave but I can't pay so I go into default: either way, they lose my account. This doesn't seem to make any sense to me.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Well, ah Duh!
| You Are An INFP |
| The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. |
Thanks to Jimmy for the idea!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
11 Months 'til Christmas
Or, maybe we could say, "1 month since Christmas."
I am always surprised how fast Christmas goes away. A month before Christmas I had my tree up already. Now, the tree is wrapped in a sheet and waits in the basement. But is it possible to keep that level of expectation, life, for more than a month or so?
We love the special days and seasons, but we need to have the down times. In the Roman Catholic church, they referred to the time as "Ordinary Time." In the Lutheran church, the time was either "Epiphany" or "Pentecost." Now granted, it helps us to know what was happening in the church year, but I still wonder if the RC folks have it right.
I think we need "Ordinary Time." We need to have time when nothing special happens. It is the times like the "Ordinary Times" that actually make up what is life. It is an interesting paradox; the "Ordinary Times" are the times that really are life. But we cannot just exist in "Ordinary Times." We need the special times to make life worth living. But we also need more than just the special. We need the "Ordinary Time" to recharge and regroup.
Sometimes I feel like life has not been "Ordinary Time" since I have started to come out. I would say especially since I came out to the senior pastor. There hasn't been a time when I could just kick back and relax.
Nick and I did take some time when I left the church, we spent some time at a cabin on "the lake," but it was not enough. Now, things are still going nuts and I feel constantly tired. I know it has got to get better, but for now, it seems long in coming.
Hope you are having an ordinary day!
I am always surprised how fast Christmas goes away. A month before Christmas I had my tree up already. Now, the tree is wrapped in a sheet and waits in the basement. But is it possible to keep that level of expectation, life, for more than a month or so?
We love the special days and seasons, but we need to have the down times. In the Roman Catholic church, they referred to the time as "Ordinary Time." In the Lutheran church, the time was either "Epiphany" or "Pentecost." Now granted, it helps us to know what was happening in the church year, but I still wonder if the RC folks have it right.
I think we need "Ordinary Time." We need to have time when nothing special happens. It is the times like the "Ordinary Times" that actually make up what is life. It is an interesting paradox; the "Ordinary Times" are the times that really are life. But we cannot just exist in "Ordinary Times." We need the special times to make life worth living. But we also need more than just the special. We need the "Ordinary Time" to recharge and regroup.
Sometimes I feel like life has not been "Ordinary Time" since I have started to come out. I would say especially since I came out to the senior pastor. There hasn't been a time when I could just kick back and relax.
Nick and I did take some time when I left the church, we spent some time at a cabin on "the lake," but it was not enough. Now, things are still going nuts and I feel constantly tired. I know it has got to get better, but for now, it seems long in coming.
Hope you are having an ordinary day!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Thoughts on being a person of faith.
This whole thing about the clergies’ place in the world has really gotten to me. I think the whole thing about the separation of lay and clergy leaves something to be desired. And yet, I am not sure I want to totally do away with the separation.
Maybe part of the problem is that we just don’t seem to understand moderation. We assume that if a person makes one off color joke, then that person is a pervert or something. I don’t know.
Maybe I find the “trappings” of being a clergy confining. I find that people will talk to me about things in their lives and things in their faith that they would never think of talking to a priest about. I find it sad that they would not talk to their priest about it, but the truth is as it stands. I find that I seem to fill a void in peoples’ lives.
A few years back when I was between calls, I also had some temp jobs. I was amazed at the number of people who said, “I wish I had a pastor like you.” But I wondered, would they really want a pastor like me? I think they like the concept but I think that they would try to push me into the old box, make me into a “Holy Joe.” I think a pastor outside of the box is possibly too challenging to most people. It is nice to think that what Jesus asks of us is just too much for most of us and can only be done by a few “special” people.
I think we see this in the Roman Catholic view of Mary as “Ever Virgin.” She is special, that is why she could endure so much. We are lowly, we could never do that.
Maybe part of the problem is that we just don’t seem to understand moderation. We assume that if a person makes one off color joke, then that person is a pervert or something. I don’t know.
Maybe I find the “trappings” of being a clergy confining. I find that people will talk to me about things in their lives and things in their faith that they would never think of talking to a priest about. I find it sad that they would not talk to their priest about it, but the truth is as it stands. I find that I seem to fill a void in peoples’ lives.
A few years back when I was between calls, I also had some temp jobs. I was amazed at the number of people who said, “I wish I had a pastor like you.” But I wondered, would they really want a pastor like me? I think they like the concept but I think that they would try to push me into the old box, make me into a “Holy Joe.” I think a pastor outside of the box is possibly too challenging to most people. It is nice to think that what Jesus asks of us is just too much for most of us and can only be done by a few “special” people.
I think we see this in the Roman Catholic view of Mary as “Ever Virgin.” She is special, that is why she could endure so much. We are lowly, we could never do that.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Reply (Rant?) to an anonymous comment
"Father, 'We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline.' -M. L. King "
This comment was left by an anonymous commenter on my limerick post. Now, the comment was made on MLK day, so it could have just been an MLK post, but I think the preamble, "Father" would make me think it was a judgement.
First: Please, if you wish to judge me, be considerate enough to take responsibility for your judgement. If you are not secure enough with your opinion to claim it, maybe you should not be passing it around yet.
Second: God made sexuality and God made humor. Have we really contemplated what Superman Sex would be like? My humor is part of who God made me to be. My sexuality is part of who God made me to be. My blog is where I chat with my friends. If my friends can't handle my humor, then...
Third: Do we expect more of our clergy than we expect of ourselves? If so, why? Maybe we should question the double standard.
Fourth: I think some of the problem with our churches today is that we have lost our sense of humor and we have lost touch with our humanity. We are human and God does not ask us to be anything more. I find that I actually seem to touch more people when I am not in a call than when I am. Maybe because people get to know know me as a person and not as a title.
Well, that was a bit of a rant. Sorry. Maybe Fr. Ben should not rant either. Maybe clergy should be just what the media portrays them to be: laughable, clueless, milk toast, bumbling, simpletons.
This comment was left by an anonymous commenter on my limerick post. Now, the comment was made on MLK day, so it could have just been an MLK post, but I think the preamble, "Father" would make me think it was a judgement.
First: Please, if you wish to judge me, be considerate enough to take responsibility for your judgement. If you are not secure enough with your opinion to claim it, maybe you should not be passing it around yet.
Second: God made sexuality and God made humor. Have we really contemplated what Superman Sex would be like? My humor is part of who God made me to be. My sexuality is part of who God made me to be. My blog is where I chat with my friends. If my friends can't handle my humor, then...
Third: Do we expect more of our clergy than we expect of ourselves? If so, why? Maybe we should question the double standard.
Fourth: I think some of the problem with our churches today is that we have lost our sense of humor and we have lost touch with our humanity. We are human and God does not ask us to be anything more. I find that I actually seem to touch more people when I am not in a call than when I am. Maybe because people get to know know me as a person and not as a title.
Well, that was a bit of a rant. Sorry. Maybe Fr. Ben should not rant either. Maybe clergy should be just what the media portrays them to be: laughable, clueless, milk toast, bumbling, simpletons.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Kitty Addictions
We have a guest writer today! Claudia, one of Ben's (and now Nick's) cats takes to the keyboard.
Hello, My name is Claudia and I am a plastiholic.
I just can't help myself. If I see a plastic bag, I have to lick it. I just can't help myself. I feel ashamed when one of my dad's catches me doing it; but I would risk a scolding just to lick plastic.
And as I lick, I begin to chew. The feel of my fangs piercing the plastic just makes me purr! The thicker the plastic, the better I love chewing it! Oh, PURRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr...........
And if I can't find plastic, Styrofoam will do. Styrofoam is a little more dangerous. I have more chance of getting caught; the foam makes more noise when I chew on it and my dads are more likely to bust me.
But there is a new love in my life... BUBBLE WRAP! I can't help myself when it comes to bubble wrap! Oh the thrill of having my fangs pop all of those tiny little bubbles! On it is so great! I will go searching out bubble wrap. Even when my dad's put it up so I can't get to it, I search out that wonderful wrap! I will go searching on chairs and table just to find the wrap.
Sometimes I am so ashamed, but not often!
My name is Claudia, and I am a plastiholic.
Hello, My name is Claudia and I am a plastiholic.
I just can't help myself. If I see a plastic bag, I have to lick it. I just can't help myself. I feel ashamed when one of my dad's catches me doing it; but I would risk a scolding just to lick plastic.
And as I lick, I begin to chew. The feel of my fangs piercing the plastic just makes me purr! The thicker the plastic, the better I love chewing it! Oh, PURRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr...........
And if I can't find plastic, Styrofoam will do. Styrofoam is a little more dangerous. I have more chance of getting caught; the foam makes more noise when I chew on it and my dads are more likely to bust me.
But there is a new love in my life... BUBBLE WRAP! I can't help myself when it comes to bubble wrap! Oh the thrill of having my fangs pop all of those tiny little bubbles! On it is so great! I will go searching out bubble wrap. Even when my dad's put it up so I can't get to it, I search out that wonderful wrap! I will go searching on chairs and table just to find the wrap.
Sometimes I am so ashamed, but not often!
My name is Claudia, and I am a plastiholic.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
A Sunday Morning Limerick
There once was a man named Clark Kent
Who sperm out his penis had sent
When it hit Lois Lane
It shattered her brain
She should never have sucked on that gent.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Letters I Wish'd I Had Sent
This will probably make no sense to anyone out there, but "them's the breaks!"
Dear Subject Matter "Expert"
I am so sorry I asked you to do your job. You are paid to be the "expert" on the subject, so when I have a question, I would expect you to know the answer. Maybe that is too much to ask. I keep forgetting that you were the one who trained us, so, since you trained us, and we still don't know it, why should you know it now?
Just telling me "It's in the database," doesn't tell me that I am looking to create an "office location document." All that I know is that the little thingy on the bottom of the screen doesn't say, "Office." The database doesn't say, "How to make the little thingy on the bottom of the screen say office." So when I ask you for help, it is not because I am lazy, it is because I am being asked to do something that YOUR training didn't prepare me to do.
And making me feel like an idiot while I have a customer on the line is an ideal form of customer service. Let's make the customer wait while I learn my lesson. This is a great way to make our goal of being a "World Class Service Desk."
Maybe if during training you actually did some training instead of showing us on-line videos or talking about your sex life, we might know what a location document is and not have to come running to you for help. But you didn't teach us that. Frankly, you hardly taught us anything. Now, you get pissed when we ask you questions. Maybe we are pointing out just how bad a teacher you really are?
Don't you ever again just look at me like I am stupid and then walk away. I almost quit this evening, but it is not me who is doing the job badly, it is you who did a bad job of training and are now feeling pressed upon because we all are coming to you for help. Just because it is in the database doesn't mean I can find it. (And we won't even mention the stuff in the database that is over seven years out of date.) If I have not gotten enough training to let me know what to look for, I will NEVER find it! So asshole, when I ask for help, help me! We can have the "teachable moment" later. Now, there is a customer on the phone who is getting pissed. And I am getting pretty pissed too.
Dear Subject Matter "Expert"
I am so sorry I asked you to do your job. You are paid to be the "expert" on the subject, so when I have a question, I would expect you to know the answer. Maybe that is too much to ask. I keep forgetting that you were the one who trained us, so, since you trained us, and we still don't know it, why should you know it now?
Just telling me "It's in the database," doesn't tell me that I am looking to create an "office location document." All that I know is that the little thingy on the bottom of the screen doesn't say, "Office." The database doesn't say, "How to make the little thingy on the bottom of the screen say office." So when I ask you for help, it is not because I am lazy, it is because I am being asked to do something that YOUR training didn't prepare me to do.
And making me feel like an idiot while I have a customer on the line is an ideal form of customer service. Let's make the customer wait while I learn my lesson. This is a great way to make our goal of being a "World Class Service Desk."
Maybe if during training you actually did some training instead of showing us on-line videos or talking about your sex life, we might know what a location document is and not have to come running to you for help. But you didn't teach us that. Frankly, you hardly taught us anything. Now, you get pissed when we ask you questions. Maybe we are pointing out just how bad a teacher you really are?
Don't you ever again just look at me like I am stupid and then walk away. I almost quit this evening, but it is not me who is doing the job badly, it is you who did a bad job of training and are now feeling pressed upon because we all are coming to you for help. Just because it is in the database doesn't mean I can find it. (And we won't even mention the stuff in the database that is over seven years out of date.) If I have not gotten enough training to let me know what to look for, I will NEVER find it! So asshole, when I ask for help, help me! We can have the "teachable moment" later. Now, there is a customer on the phone who is getting pissed. And I am getting pretty pissed too.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Living vs Existing
This has been the struggle of my past few days.
I go into work and count the hours until I leave. Then I go home and try to get some life in before going to bed. Then it is up the next day and back to work. Then it is the count until the weekend and the all too quick weekend and then back to work.
Is that all there is?
It seems to me that there has got to be something more. I feel like I am existing but I am not living. I want to look forward to the day, not dread the coming day. Joseph Campbell talks about "following your bliss" and that is what I want to do. I just don't know how to go about doing it.
I actually think selling the house may be a good thing. A smaller place with smaller payments opens the door to other jobs. If I don't need to make a ton of bucks to afford to live, maybe I can do more living.
Part of my problem, also, is that I am "flighty." Things capture my attention and then I am on to something else. I get bored with things quickly. I want to try to use this, cause that is the way God made me, instead of cursing it. Society tells me I should curse it, but what does society know? (Society told me I should be with a woman too!)
Humm....
Time to go to work.
I go into work and count the hours until I leave. Then I go home and try to get some life in before going to bed. Then it is up the next day and back to work. Then it is the count until the weekend and the all too quick weekend and then back to work.
Is that all there is?
It seems to me that there has got to be something more. I feel like I am existing but I am not living. I want to look forward to the day, not dread the coming day. Joseph Campbell talks about "following your bliss" and that is what I want to do. I just don't know how to go about doing it.
I actually think selling the house may be a good thing. A smaller place with smaller payments opens the door to other jobs. If I don't need to make a ton of bucks to afford to live, maybe I can do more living.
Part of my problem, also, is that I am "flighty." Things capture my attention and then I am on to something else. I get bored with things quickly. I want to try to use this, cause that is the way God made me, instead of cursing it. Society tells me I should curse it, but what does society know? (Society told me I should be with a woman too!)
Humm....
Time to go to work.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Weekend Havoc
Well, it was a weekend.
Nick told how fast this weekend went. I almost feel like it didn’t happen! At least we were not driving all over eastern Michigan. I guess that was a good thing.
We got most of the Christmas stuff down, which is always a sad thing for me. I got teary realizing that this would probably be the last Christmas in my house. This is the first house I have ever bought and I had plans of staying here for a long time. So as I turned off the tree lights for the last time, it kind of hit me hard.
I was wondering why this would hit me so hard and why this would be so different than if I were just moving. If I were just moving, it would be a choice that I made. I feel that this is something that is happening to me. I know that I chose the path I am on, I just get so frustrated at the direction this path is moving.
When I moved into the house, I was planning on being here for a good long time. I had dreams of what I could do with this house. Now I have only been in the house for two years and it feels like my home is being dragged out from under me.
And then there are all the Christmas things tied into it. There is the hope that is drilled into us from a million Christmas movies that suddenly everyone will be nice, good, and loving. There is the expectation that the world will find peace and all of our problems will go away. There is Ebenezer Scrooge running through town in his nightshirt, all of his problems gone. But Christmas didn’t bring those gifts. The problems are still there and the deconstruction of the Christmas tree is a reminder that things will not be getting miraculously better. It was a hard jolt.
Nick keeps reminding me to trust that God is in this, and I do trust. But sometimes I get so tired. And then poor Nick has to listen to me lament when he is going through some pretty major transitions for himself. Sometimes this just blind-sides me.
I did go to the local Episcopal church this Sunday and I think it will be good. I can get back into the “church thing” and hopefully find a congregation. I am looking forward to being in a leadership position. It was also nice to be with Nick in a church, other than an MCC church, and be open about Nick being my partner. Actually, this weekend had many moments of Nick and I being a pair. That was nice.
I am going to end this now. Probably more later.
Nick told how fast this weekend went. I almost feel like it didn’t happen! At least we were not driving all over eastern Michigan. I guess that was a good thing.
We got most of the Christmas stuff down, which is always a sad thing for me. I got teary realizing that this would probably be the last Christmas in my house. This is the first house I have ever bought and I had plans of staying here for a long time. So as I turned off the tree lights for the last time, it kind of hit me hard.
I was wondering why this would hit me so hard and why this would be so different than if I were just moving. If I were just moving, it would be a choice that I made. I feel that this is something that is happening to me. I know that I chose the path I am on, I just get so frustrated at the direction this path is moving.
When I moved into the house, I was planning on being here for a good long time. I had dreams of what I could do with this house. Now I have only been in the house for two years and it feels like my home is being dragged out from under me.
And then there are all the Christmas things tied into it. There is the hope that is drilled into us from a million Christmas movies that suddenly everyone will be nice, good, and loving. There is the expectation that the world will find peace and all of our problems will go away. There is Ebenezer Scrooge running through town in his nightshirt, all of his problems gone. But Christmas didn’t bring those gifts. The problems are still there and the deconstruction of the Christmas tree is a reminder that things will not be getting miraculously better. It was a hard jolt.
Nick keeps reminding me to trust that God is in this, and I do trust. But sometimes I get so tired. And then poor Nick has to listen to me lament when he is going through some pretty major transitions for himself. Sometimes this just blind-sides me.
I did go to the local Episcopal church this Sunday and I think it will be good. I can get back into the “church thing” and hopefully find a congregation. I am looking forward to being in a leadership position. It was also nice to be with Nick in a church, other than an MCC church, and be open about Nick being my partner. Actually, this weekend had many moments of Nick and I being a pair. That was nice.
I am going to end this now. Probably more later.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Trump on Today
I was watching the Trupster today on Today this morning, and the guy went down a whole lot of pegs in my book. Actually, so much that I’m thinking of deleting my TIVO programming for The Apprentice because of it.
If you didn’t see it, Meredith asked The Donald about the feud between he and Rosie O’Donnell. Good ol’ Donald proceeded to make comments about Rosie’s weight and comments that could only be categorized as homophobic.
Someone with that much power should not need to stoop to name calling. I may not have always agreed with the Trumpster, but at least he seemed to be a man of character. Now, I don’t know.
If you didn’t see it, Meredith asked The Donald about the feud between he and Rosie O’Donnell. Good ol’ Donald proceeded to make comments about Rosie’s weight and comments that could only be categorized as homophobic.
Someone with that much power should not need to stoop to name calling. I may not have always agreed with the Trumpster, but at least he seemed to be a man of character. Now, I don’t know.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Angie's Is Open in Coral
I wanted to ask, “Ok, where is the camera hidden?”
For months, Nick and I have seen these signs all over the place stating, “Angie’s Is Open In Coral!” Now when I say all over the place, I mean even where two roads cross in the middle of a bunch of fields, there is a sign. And not just one sign on an intersection, multiple signs.
So, Nick and I decide to go to Angie’s for a late lunch, early dinner after moving a bunch of Nick’s stuff. I had driven through Coral earlier that day and saw a 5 ft. chalkboard telling that Angie’s had all you could eat fish for $4.50. We both thought this was a good deal so we went inside.
I should have just turned around and left upon entering. The place was dark and smelled of smoke. It reminded me of my Grandma’s kitchen but not nearly as welcoming. There was a sign over the cash register which said, “All You Can Eat Fish, $4.50. In the middle of the room was a table with a young girl and a little baby and a woman that I can only describe as a crone. The crone was smoking. There was a plasma screen TV along the far wall among stacked Christmas decorations. On the TV was the National Geographic show, “In the Womb Animals.” The show was dealing with the gestation and birth of an elephant. (Watching 250 lbs. of slimy baby elephant emerging from mama elephant’s nether regions really makes for a wonderful dining experience.)
We found a table as far as possible from the chimneys, which was hard considering they were sitting in the middle of the room. We sat down and the waitress came over and asked us what we would like. We both ordered the All You Can Eat Fish. We were both told that, “We only have that on Friday night.” We were then told if we would like it, the waitress guessed they could make some for us. We both decided to order from the menu.
I will have to say that the wet burrito I ordered and the chicken strips and fries Nick had were good. And for the price, it wasn’t too bad. But when one of the customer’s began to speak to us and I felt like it was Boomhauer from “King of the Hill,” I knew it was going to be the last time I went to Angie’s.
It was real, and it was fun, but it wasn’t real fun.
But I did learn that a baby elephant’s toe nails become soft before it is born so that it doesn’t rip up its mother’s birth canal. Now, you couldn’t have had lunch without knowing that!
For months, Nick and I have seen these signs all over the place stating, “Angie’s Is Open In Coral!” Now when I say all over the place, I mean even where two roads cross in the middle of a bunch of fields, there is a sign. And not just one sign on an intersection, multiple signs.
So, Nick and I decide to go to Angie’s for a late lunch, early dinner after moving a bunch of Nick’s stuff. I had driven through Coral earlier that day and saw a 5 ft. chalkboard telling that Angie’s had all you could eat fish for $4.50. We both thought this was a good deal so we went inside.
I should have just turned around and left upon entering. The place was dark and smelled of smoke. It reminded me of my Grandma’s kitchen but not nearly as welcoming. There was a sign over the cash register which said, “All You Can Eat Fish, $4.50. In the middle of the room was a table with a young girl and a little baby and a woman that I can only describe as a crone. The crone was smoking. There was a plasma screen TV along the far wall among stacked Christmas decorations. On the TV was the National Geographic show, “In the Womb Animals.” The show was dealing with the gestation and birth of an elephant. (Watching 250 lbs. of slimy baby elephant emerging from mama elephant’s nether regions really makes for a wonderful dining experience.)
We found a table as far as possible from the chimneys, which was hard considering they were sitting in the middle of the room. We sat down and the waitress came over and asked us what we would like. We both ordered the All You Can Eat Fish. We were both told that, “We only have that on Friday night.” We were then told if we would like it, the waitress guessed they could make some for us. We both decided to order from the menu.
I will have to say that the wet burrito I ordered and the chicken strips and fries Nick had were good. And for the price, it wasn’t too bad. But when one of the customer’s began to speak to us and I felt like it was Boomhauer from “King of the Hill,” I knew it was going to be the last time I went to Angie’s.
It was real, and it was fun, but it wasn’t real fun.
But I did learn that a baby elephant’s toe nails become soft before it is born so that it doesn’t rip up its mother’s birth canal. Now, you couldn’t have had lunch without knowing that!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Some Initial 2007 Thoughts
Well, Happy New Year!
When I look back, I really don’t know what I will feel about 2006. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the year of my discontent.”
I would like to say that 2006 was a horrible year. It was the year that I lost my job. It is the year I butchered my credit rating. It is the year I spent a fortune on cell phone bills. But it also was a great year. It was the year I grew closer to Nick. It is the year I came out to my family, friends, and congregation. It is the year I went to San Antonio. It is the year I became an Episcopalian. So good things and bad things have happened. In some ways, it is so yin-yang, some of the bad things had to happen for the good things to happen.
It is so hard to anticipate the good things when you are in the midst of the bad things. It is hard to trust in God when all around you God seems to be hiding. But it is that trust, that faith, that kept me going. (Well, faith and the strong arms and strong heart of Nick!) And it is that faith that keeps me going now.
I certainly hope this upcoming year is a whole lot easier than the last. But in saying that, I have probably jinxed myself. That would be the case if I believed in jinxes. But I do believe things will get better.
I hope for you all the New Year is challenging enough to be interesting but predictable enough to be comforting.
When I look back, I really don’t know what I will feel about 2006. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the year of my discontent.”
I would like to say that 2006 was a horrible year. It was the year that I lost my job. It is the year I butchered my credit rating. It is the year I spent a fortune on cell phone bills. But it also was a great year. It was the year I grew closer to Nick. It is the year I came out to my family, friends, and congregation. It is the year I went to San Antonio. It is the year I became an Episcopalian. So good things and bad things have happened. In some ways, it is so yin-yang, some of the bad things had to happen for the good things to happen.
It is so hard to anticipate the good things when you are in the midst of the bad things. It is hard to trust in God when all around you God seems to be hiding. But it is that trust, that faith, that kept me going. (Well, faith and the strong arms and strong heart of Nick!) And it is that faith that keeps me going now.
I certainly hope this upcoming year is a whole lot easier than the last. But in saying that, I have probably jinxed myself. That would be the case if I believed in jinxes. But I do believe things will get better.
I hope for you all the New Year is challenging enough to be interesting but predictable enough to be comforting.
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