Wednesday, May 02, 2007

"The Book: It Continues"

This whole thing started here.

In looking back at college, I can see how I have repressed my feelings. It was easier to think that I was above all of that “rolling around” “acting like animals in heat” than to admit that I wasn’t interested in the women. I would look at my classmates pairing off and could not understand how they could become so close so fast. I actually looked at it as a sign of maturity. I was not going to go to college and immediately jump into bed with some woman. I was going to wait for that right girl. I was going to get to know the woman before we went to bed because that was the good and noble thing to do.
Now, I keep talking about how I justified my behaviors through high school and college. What you need to remember is that a lot of my current understanding of my behavior can be attributed to time, distance, and mental clarity. The excuses, such as “I am waiting for a woman with a great sense of humor,” I truly believed. On a subconscious level I knew I was avoiding women, but on my day-to-day living level, I was totally confused as to why I couldn’t find a girlfriend.
Well, to say that I didn’t have a girlfriend would not be right. I had girl “friends.” I got along well with girls and I felt less stress around them. So I would hang out with girls. There were some that you could even say we “dated.” I so wanted these relationships to work. I so wanted to be like the other guys in school. But I never really seemed to get it. Kissing was unpleasurable and I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what was so great about necking.
I had a girlfriend in high school and one that carried over from high school through college. But for the most part, that is all we were was friends. We went to movies together, we did things together, but we didn’t “do” things together. So, I guess even in high school I had a “beard.” I know now that I had chosen girls that were distant so that I would not have to face the reality of who I was.
College continued. The swimmer got a girlfriend, which put me into a bit of a tailspin. I was bitter that he had someone and I was alone. I was upset because I had been replaced in his life. But, college has its demands and I proceeded to go on with life.
I would often pray that God would find a girlfriend for me. I just had to believe that there was someone out there for me. I saw it as a test of faith. I had to keep the faith and God would provide a girlfriend/wife for me. Unfortunately, a woman was not provided but this train of thought led me down a path of depression and despair. I was praying but God was not answering. Was it because I was so bad? Was my faith not enough? Why was there not a girlfriend for me?
This is one of the greatest pains of being gay. Even God abandons you. I was never told this directly, but it was present in the world around me. I heard the story of Sodom and the interpretation that it was God’s punishment of the gay people. I had also heard that AIDS was God’s punishment of gay people. So, if I avoided being gay, I would not fall to this scourge of God. I may be alone, but I would be alive.
It was in college that I really worked to suppress my feelings. Getting an erection in the shower of the dorm was not a good thing. Being attracted to one’s friends was not looked upon very well. I avoided doing athletic things with friends because I did not want to have to shower with them for fear of becoming aroused. I repressed the desire to see my friends naked and avoided any opportunity.
I did have gay friends in college. I may have been living through them vicariously during my college days. It was through my friends that I learned about what it was really like to be gay. I was able to see people in relationships and people just going about their lives. These guys were not the traditional effeminate gay stereotype. These were just common people.
Gays were starting to stand up on campus and they were experiencing the expected backlash. I stood beside my friends but also made it clear that “I was not one of them.” I remember working telling myself that I was not gay, there was no way I was gay. I didn’t want to be part of the troubles that I was seeing. I could stand beside “them” but I was not ready to be one of “them.”
I finally lost my virginity just before my college graduation. I was totally drunk and the girl practically threw herself at me. It is funny the things you remember about events like this: I was wearing light blue briefs with white edging. I also remember that I didn’t have an orgasm on this first time. I don’t know if it was because of the amount of alcohol in my system or because I was having sex with a woman. It was fun, but it still felt “anticlimactic.”
Still, I hung onto this experience. This proved I was not gay! I had sex with a woman! Gay guys don’t have sex with women. So it wasn’t that good, but I knew it would get better. It is common knowledge that the first time is not that great. I had been masturbating for a long time and so actually having sex would feel different, or so I told myself. But I have now had sex! Now I would just have to do it again because I know it will get better.

More of The Book


Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your story. It helps us all (and perhaps it will help you) come to terms with who we are.

Ur-spo said...

that was quite an essay
it is good to see you scribbling out your thoughts.