Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Continued Struggle

Nic and I have talked about my joining his denomination.  That wouldn't be a bad thing, however, it would entail another 1 -2 years of classes, internship, interviews.  I am really tired of what constantly seems to be evaluations of my being.  It seems that I cannot be me; and when I try to be me, I can't find a call.

I spent close to 40 years pretending to be straight (to greater and lesser effect) and now I feel like I have to pretend again.  I don't want to pretend.  I know that there are accepted standards in society, but I am tired of those heaped upon clergy because we are supposed to be "oh so holy."

I think part of the problem of the church today is the "oh so holy" crap.  Who can keep it up?  And then when we mess up, those who have worked harder to deny their being can look down on those who decided to be real, or the world forces to be real.

I don't seem to be able to do anything good enough anymore.  And this may sound like a spoiled "first-world" problem, but I don't know if I could do something like work in a factory or go back to SBUX.  I am afraid I would be sent to jail for assault.  For those who work in factories and the food service industry, I applaud you; but I don't think I can do something like that any more.  I am afraid I would just deck someone or develop a drinking problem.

This is part of the "painted in a corner" predicament I mentioned in the last post.  I know I am pretty bright but I just can't seem to find the proper place where I can be of help.  I see all these things on FB about being "The best You that YOU can be!" And I want to barf.  What if the "Me" I can be is not what the world wants?  I guess I feel like the small-pox virus.