Tunnels and Death

I was in an antique store yesterday and saw an old train tunnel.  You know, those things that you would put over the track and the train runs through it.  As I looked at it, I began to wonder:  Why do we have things like this?  Not "why do we have model trains," but "why do we put silly little 6" long arches of styrofoam over the trains?"

And then, I was thinking about more advanced train lay-outs.  Most of them have at least one tunnel of some sort on them.  Why?

I think it goes back to something primal about things disappearing and then reappearing.  Possibly a fear that the object will disappear or something.will happen while in the tunnel.  Now, of course we know that the train will come out of the tunnel (barring any derailment) but we still like to make things go through them.

This may seem like silly speculation to some, but I think there is something more to it.  It might be playing with our fear of death.  It is thrilling to us on some level that the train goes into the tunnel and disappears and then somehow the train reappears.  The train comes back from the dead.

I also was thinking about the rituals of "Good Night" and "Good Morning."  Are they more than just social niceties?  When I say "good night" or "good morning" to the cat, I am indulging in an unnecessary social nicety.  Or am I trying to reassure myself or the other that we will make it through the "death" of sleep and arise the next morning?

Were our ancestral beings unable to have object permanence and so things disappearing frighten us?  Did our ancestral beings have difficulty in understanding sleep so we have rituals to inform people we are not dead?

I don't know.  Just a little peek into what happen in my brain.

Jesus is coming! Look BUSY!

You know, all this talk about the Rapture has gotten me thinking.  I think it is rather sad.  Not sad for the people who are having fun with it, (and I will admit that I am one of those people!) but for those who believe it.  I think it is sad that people are so caught up in the need to "get right with God" that they go overboard with the whole rapture thing.

The Lutheran take is that since we cannot know the day or hour, that all the predictions of the rapture are useless.  We are to always be prepared for Christ's return.  We are to live our lives always not just looking busy, but being truly busy about God's work in the world.  This is not something that we are supposed to be doing on one day to make a good show, we are supposed to be doing it all the time, because that is what Christ would want.

Now, of course, being human we are going to mess this up.  But that is why we have forgiveness; not so that we can just be lackadaisical in our lives, but for the assurance that when we do fall short, we have not failed.

(Gosh, I have been away from the pulpit for too long!  Sorry!!)

Observations on Seperation

Ok, Nick has only been gone for one day.  But, I miss him so much.  I realize how much I have become dependent upon him being there.

What I find interesting is that my lived experience is not much different having him close to two-thousand miles away or just 30 miles away at work.  It is kind of like the concept that I could drown in 6 feet of water as easily as I could drown in 1000 feet of water.  Once the water is over my head, I can't breath.  In a similar fashion, once Nick is away, it doesn't matter if he is two miles away or 2000, he is still away.

But the psychological stress is different.  Knowing that he is in Acapulco is hard.  I see him on Skype and remind myself that this could be an episode of Mission: Impossible and the room could just be made up to look like it is in the tropics.  Whether he is two miles or 2000 miles, knowing  that he is 2000 miles away is more stressful.

Oh well....

The Power of Music

I find it interesting how certain songs can bring up such strong emotions in me. 

There are songs from the Trans-Siberian Orchestra that I cannot listen to with a dry eye.  One song that especially gets me is "Old City Bar."  The song is not a tour de force, but the theme of being home for Christmas runs through it.  One line that gets me is, in refrence to being home on Christmas Eve, "If one could be home, they'd be already there."  I guess I still deal with the feeling of never really being home.  Even when I am at my childhood home, I never feel like I am there.  And expecially at Christmas, it always felt like I was a stranger in the midst of strangers.  I was supposed to be surrounded by friends and family and what I found was that I was surrounded by people I barely knew.  This may also be my attraction to all things Christmas, trying to regain the dreams of home and family that I seem to have missed.

Another song that is getting to me is "Defying Gravity" from Wicked.   I have never seen Wicked but I love the song.  Whenever I hear the song, I want to cheer, pump my fist and simultaneously flip-off the world.  It too can bring tears to my eyes.

I don't know if this is a normal feeling for people/guys/gay guys.  I guess we all have things that happen in our lives.  I just find it interesting how music can bring up these feelings.  I am guessing the emotion would not be as strong without the addition of the music.

The Moving Of The Holy Spirit

A while ago, Dr. Ur-Spo asked me to write something about the Holy Spirit.  I guess the spirit finally moved me to do so!

When I think of the Holy Spirit, I guess there are a couple of things that need to be made clear.  The first is that this is NOT a personal phenomenon, it is the phenomenon of a group.  I guess it may be likened to the Collective Consciousness of Jungian Theory.

Now, having said that it is not a personal phenomenon, it is a phenomenon that happens to people.  The Holy Spirit works with individuals.  I guess the best analogy I can think of is people moving in a crowd or fish in a school, each one acts individually, but together, they create an epiphenomenon.

This is an important point to make.  If the person just functions in a vacuum, that person may be claiming just about anything as "Spirit Inspired."  I had a parishioner who would call at all kinds of weird hours claiming the "Holy Spirit told me to call."  When I finally confronted him by asking why the Holy Spirit would tell him to call when I was out running, or why the Holy Spirit would care how many seats are in an auditorium, he finally stopped.

Now, that doesn't mean that the Holy Spirit couldn't be working through the parishioner, but that is where the whole group phenomenon comes into play.  I believe that if something is of the Spirit, it is reinforced by the community.  This doesn't mean that some truly miraculous things can't happen.  I am reminded of the scene in "Field of Dreams" where Ray tells his wife that he thinks he should build a baseball field.  His wife's response is that it is totally nuts, but she agrees.

The working of the Spirit is something that cannot be nailed down.  It is a series of feelings and intuition.  But it is a series of feelings and intuitions that are guided by a community of faith.  And it is the community of faith that is the important aspect.

In the ELCA Lutheran Church, becoming a pastor is a discernment process.  When a person says they feel called to the clergy, it goes through a process of meeting with various groups to see if this is just an ego trip for the candidate or if this is really of the Spirit.  This process continues all through seminary with continued meetings for discernment.  Finally, the person is not ordained until a church actually calls the person.  I have known people who have gone through seminary only to not find a call to a church and not receive ordination.  These people were not bad people, it just appears that the Spirit was moving in a different direction.

This is NOT an exact science.  Just s each fish in a school of fish may not know why it is doing what it is doing, the group effect is quite impressive.  We may not be privy to the whole plan but we need to be willing to do what we can and be in contact with the community. The community affects our behavior and we affect the behavior of the community.

Oh What Fun

Aaarrrggg!!!

Well, over the weekend, our crew at work went from six to four.  That is right!  Four people to work 13 hours per day/ seven days per week.  And we are never supposed to leave the place empty.  So that means that we need people to cover for breaks.  Oh, and did I forget to mention that NONE of our supervisors know what we do? 

I have been trying to REDUCE my hours, especially with Christmas coming.  But do you think that is going to happen?  And we also have the Lead Barista who talks more than he works, even thought he would have you believe that the place would close down without him.  My response when someone asks if the Lead is working is:  "He is on the clock and in the store."

I have been trying to get out of the place, but I am usually beat by the time I get off work.  But I have been checking out the deployment page and there is something that looks good upstate!  It would be nice in that it would be close to Nick's congregation too!  I am guardedly optimistic.  And no, I am not interested in the congregation just because it is logistically optimum.  They also seem like a good place for ministry.  Our lease here is up in April, my contact with my current congregation is up in July.  Sometimes time just flies!  Seems like we just moved and that I just signed a contact.  But hopefully god has some things in store for us.  We really need some things to finally go right!

Peace to all..

Passive-Aggressive VS Sabotage

This may be one Dr. Ur-Spo could comment on...

I have been thinking of the difference between Passive-Aggressiveness and Sabotage. I was wondering if it is possible to be consciously passive-aggressive. My gut feeling was that it was not, that passive-aggressiveness was a more subconscious act. It seemed that passive-aggressive was the realm of those who do not feel they have any power or cannot handle the concept of placing themselves in harms way by standing up to the bully/aggressor/slave driver. So, to appease the ego and not alert the superego, the person acts out, but not in a readily identifiable way.

Now, for the person to KNOW what he or she is doing, I would say that the person (victim?) has moved into the realm of sabotage. The person is actively working to go against the wishes of the person (who believes himself/herself to be)in charge. The victim decides to actively do something to thwart the other.

I don't know which is worse. I think passive-aggressiveness can be worse for the company/whatever. A passive-aggressive person can slowly undermine some very well laid plans. Sabotage can very quickly cause problems, but these problems are usually easier to spot.

IDK. Just thinking about work and my feelings. I feel like I have moved to the point of actively wanting to sabotage work. I think I have the ego strength to NOT do it, but the daydreams help to make the job tolerable.

Addendum --  I also wonder if sabotage has to be a larger thing.  Making decaf instead of regular coffee, that is small.  Does that just make it a passive-aggressive action?  Or is it sabotage?  

Thoughts on Life.

Well, things have been going. Life is... I guess.

Some to the things that have been going through my head lately have been thoughts about what does it mean to be "Happy." Do we have the ability to be content? Do we need to be constantly entertained? Are we lacking the ability to just exist in the world anymore?

I grew up with the TV on and my parents were not well educated so reading was not lifted up. We had a radio on and the TV on. Life had something going on. We also were not allowed to have sad or angry feelings. We could only have happy ones. (Or at least that was all we were allowed to express.) So now, it seems that if I am not "happy" I must therefore be "sad." The concept of just existing was not acceptable.

This has carried on throughout life. I have to learn to be ok with being ok.

Someone said that we are the generation of perpetual novelty. We need to be bombarded by "the new" or we cannot function. I am definitely in agreement. I am also afraid of what is going to happen as our children grow. The TV has grown into iPhones and PSP's. (I almost typed PCP! Maybe not that far off!) Yesterday, walking through a store, I saw two children (less than 12) with their noses buried in an electronic device. The act of shopping was not stimulating enough, they had to be playing too.

Have I been so overstimulated as a child that now I cannot exist without "gosh golly wow" moments constantly filling my life? Can I learn how to be content and not see this as something that is bad? Do I see "normal" as a proving to the world that I am NOT one of the jocks or one of the popular people? If I were, my life would be one giant party and one continuous HAPPY! I know this is wrong, but it is the script that continues to resonate through my mind.

And I have to wonder, will this sense of ennui continue through our children? Will they continue to have to be entertained or they will just sink into depression?

Brenda

In one of my former congregations, I had a council member named Brenda. Brenda will always stand out in my mind as an example of maturity; an example we should all strive to emulate.

Brenda was not old by any extent; she was in her 40's, so this wasn't "the wisdom of the ages." Brenda was just a very bright woman and a woman of integrity.

The situation that I remember involved a vote that was before the council. This vote involved moving some rooms within the church building. Brenda was not for the moving of the rooms and stated such. When the vote came through, Brenda was the only person to vote against the proposal. I appreciate her integrity in voting against the proposal that she did not agree with. She did not fold under pressure.

A few days later, I got to the church and Brenda and her daughter was in the church arranging the furniture in the rooms that had been changed by the proposal. They were setting up tables and placing table clothes over them. Brenda was moving stuff around and looking at it with her decorator eye.

I was a bit confused.

I asked Brenda what she was doing. She told me that although she was against the changes, she was part of the council and the congregation. The proposal had been voted in by the council and as a council member, it was now her duty to see that this proposal succeeded!

Brenda had the maturity to see that sometimes some things were bigger than her. She had the maturity to see that sometimes the Spirit may be moving but not giving us the all the insights. She trusted that God was moving and that although she may not know what God was doing, she should not stand in the way, and should use her gifts to help in whatever way possible.

I love Brenda!

Such as it is...

I have been in a really funky place as of late. It seems as if the stress will never let up.

Between work, church, finances, and pets, things have just been nuts. It feels as if life is just pushing me farther and farther back into a corner. There seems to be no way out of this corner.

I have felt this way before. The first time I remember would have been around when I was five or six years old. I remember having what seemed to be all the kids in the neighborhood making fun of me. Calling me names and calling me stupid. I felt trapped. I felt misunderstood. I felt flawed and hurt. It seemed that no matter what I did, I was not going to be able to make these people stop. I kept being told that I was no good, I was bad. It seemed that the only thing to do was to run away; to get as far away from these people who were hurting me as possible. So off I rode on my bike, trying to get as far away from these people who were hurting me as possible.

This is the feeling that I have been having lately. I feel hurt, flawed and misunderstood. I feel like no one cares and that I am totally trapped. I feel like to voice my opposition is just being dramatic, but to not oppose what is happening is to just succumb to the situation.

It seems like the world has just become a bunch of complacent people who don't want to make any waves. Those who know how to take advantage of this complacency just cruise through life. And everyone else around them just finally give up because they get tire of beating their head against the wall. I feel like I am a bleating sheep, but is seems as if no one is listening.

I begin to wonder: Am I the crazy one?

General Musings

Life has been interesting around here lately.

Some of the more petty annoyances has been putting my phone through the wash. Now I have a Blackberry Pearl, which is fun, but I have to learn again how to use it. But the price was right! $0.99 out of the store! I guess they figure if they get them into peoples' hands, then use will go up. I guess so. All I know is that the gadget geek in me is loving it!

Church has been trying. Actually, work and church has been trying. As I have said before, I feel like I am not doing either job well. I am getting totally sick of the SBX thing and I feel like I am doing a half-fast (say it out loud) job with the church. The whole thing has been popping up feelings that have been buried for years. Memories of being a totally defeated six-year-old have surfaced in all their terrifying glory.

Nick and I have joked about inviting Dr. Ur-Spo up for a visit. He must bring his prescription pad, though.

I have found some more friends on Facebook. This is very cool! I have found a friend that I haven't seen since kindergarten and I have found a friend whom I worked with at camp. The friend from camp was interesting because I have found that he is "family!" Makes me feel less guilty about lusting after him at camp. (DJ, if you are reading this, welcome to my blog!) I find it retroactively comforting to know that I wasn't the only one dealing with conflicted sexuality that summer.

Lots of other things to say, but a little too much wine to make it a fruitful process.

Have a good evening all!

Continuing Saga

Well, I talked to my parents. I dropped the suggestion that Nick and I might be coming to visit and maybe get married while we are there. Mom was not overly exuberant, but she was not against it. I talked to Dad and he was a bit quiet. I asked if he was ok with it. He was quiet. I asked if he needed some time to think about it. He said, "yes," and gave the phone to my Mom.

Mom and I chatted a bit more and Dad decided he would be ok with it.

I told Mom that we didn't care who showed up or not. If they can't deal with it, so be it!

So we are looking at a *cue chirping birds* SPRING WEDDING! We are planning on driving to Iowa in the fall to visit and to begin to make some plans. This way, it gives people some time to get used to the idea. My cousin from Denver already told me that she intends to be there!

I keep forgetting that I have to give people time to get used to the situation. I have been living it for many years, but they are still learning to adjust.

Random Thoughts

Ok, I am sorry that Michael Jackson is dead. Mainly because I didn't have to hear about him 24/7 before he died.

Do we have to talk everything to death?

Will we be subjected to a 24-hour Billy Mays commercial marathon?

Sunday went well. I had difficulty writing a sermon so I did what I normally don't like to do: I preached off the cuff. It actually went well!

OMG! Ruth Madoff had to give up her limo to take the subway. AND I AM SUPPOSED TO FEEL SORRY FOR HER?

Oh well, gotta go to work. NOT TAKING A LIMO.

Fail

see more Political Pictures

Is this stupidity or a failure of the American school system?

Observation

I saw a bumper sticker on the road today, it said, "#1 Spartan Fan!" I had to wonder, "How does that person know that?" Then I had to ask, "Why would a company make bumper stickers or even tee shirts with the '#1' anything on it?" You could only sell one of each!

Do two fathers who both are wearing a "#1 Dad" shirt have to duke it out to settle who truly is THE "#1 Dad"?

Weekend Stuff

I have decided that Nick and I can probably survive anything! This is the third move we have made in as many years. I know we both are getting tired of moving.

Of course, the weather is not cooperating. It was wonderful on Saturday and we got two of the biggest pieces moved, but now it is raining and toting things in the back of a pick-up is not an option. So we switched vehicles. I will be loading stuff into the car and doing the drive.

Sunday went well. I was a bit in a tizzy because everything was all over due to the move. But the people were good about it. I brought the sermon that I was going to preach but decided it was not going to work. So I put aside the just preached off the cuff. Not too bad if I do say so myself.

I preached about how we need to learn to speak to the people in the language they understand. I also talked about how the term "Christian" is getting hijacked and how we are just letting it happen.

Then, more moving.

Why the Teabaggin Won't Work

The more I watch the news about the Teabagging, the more I realize the problem that they had: Nobody read a poem and it was light out.

The more I watch about protest, the more I figure there has to be something magical about bad poetry and candles. I could help the teabaggers by coming up with words that rhyme with "teabagging:"

• gagging
• bragging
• sagging
• dragging

And, instead of the Iambic Pentameter, how 'bout we do Limericks! Or, maybe we can be like Emily Dickinson and sing all the poems to "The Yellow Rose of Texas."

And people, really, if we don't have candles, how are people supposed to take this seriously! These teabaggings needed to be at night with candles! I know that you all are suffering. You probably had to use Lipton teabags instead of Tazo. But a few candles would have set the mood! Candles, poetry, a little mood music... Those are all things that make for a good teabagging.

But seriously, what is it about bad things happening in our communities that bring out every wannabe poet and causes a run on the Yankee Candle store? We have to have the protest, or vigil, or whatever, at night so that we can play with fire. And the bad poetry, please...

Now for something completely different..

Moving is going well. We are excited about getting to be in a city again. The weather has been cooperating. My cold seems to finally be getting better. Writing a sermon has not been a priority, but something will come together.

Here is hoping all is well in your world.

Happy Passover

Palm Sunday

Well, now starts Holy Week, the most deadly week for clergy. What is sad is I am going into the week feeling tired. Then add the increased hours at work due to losing coworkers. And trying to get the transfer in place so I don't have to do a ton of driving to get to work. But enough of that.

Today's church service went well. I thought the sermon was ok, but the congregation seemed to really get into it. I had people coming up and thanking me for it. Looking at peoples' faces while I was preaching, I would have thought I was going to get lynched; but I guess it was good.

Moving is happening. Nick and I have been moving things into my office at church, but my office is not very big. I was feeling "boxed in" (yes, that was a pun!) today before service. But at least we are getting the stuff out of the apartment.

We probably won't be doing much moving today. It is supposed to start raining and then snowing. SNOWING??? And not just a little snow: Somewhere between 6 and 10 inches! Oh well, it won't last. Just Winter having one last hurrah.

Well, that is all for today. Have a great Holy Week!

Yeah Iowa!!

Gay Marriage is legal in Iowa!!!

My home state comes shining through in rainbow colors! People think Iowans are backward, but I think we are just well grounded AND visionary.