My First Gay Kiss

A year ago I kissed my first man. I mean, really kissed. I kissed my Dad on the cheek, but nothing more than that. But a year ago I kissed Nick. If you want to read his take on the whole thing, click here.

A couple of things about me. If you haven't figured it out, I am a thinker. I tend to over analyze just about everything. Secondly, I am a bit of a control freak. It is these two things that lead to Nick and I kissing in the office of the church where Nick worked.

Nick and I had been doing things together on my days off for a while. It was nice have someone to do things with who was also gay. We were not "doing" anything, just going to a movie or to the museum. I would drive his direction on my day off, we would have lunch or something and maybe go to a movie. But that was all. I was still feeling bound to the dreaded page thirteen. What this said is that a pastor can be gay, the pastor just can't do anything about it. So although I spent time with Nick, we never did anything physical.

But my mind was going. I have never kissed a guy before. I have never did anything with a guy before. If I got with a guy, would the guy take advantage of me because I was so naive? Not knowing is something that really bothers me. So not knowing what it was like to kiss a guy bothered me. Maybe I wouldn't like it.

So, I actually kind of planned the whole thing. I had come to trust Nick so I though I could ask him if I could kiss him. I know it sounds kind of calculating, but hey, that's me.

So after the movie, Capote, I think, we went back to the church to get Nick's car. I "had to use the bathroom." So we went into the building. After I went, I came out and told Nick that I had never kissed a man before and could I kiss him? He said yes and so I kissed him.

WOW! It was amazing!

Then I said that I had never touch a man before and could I feel him. But before he could answer, I had my hand on his crotch while I kissed him again. Nick had reached down started to feel me but then he stopped. Later he would tell me that if he didn't stop then, he would have moved things beyond where I was ready to go.

I was a little out of my element but I am thankful Nick didn't push me any father.

The ride home was interesting. I had a hard-on the whole way home. I also was probably a road hazard as my mind was not on my driving.

This is the actual e-mail I sent Nick. (Only the names have been changed.)

Hi Nick!

Thanks for your kindness in the face of a very selfish request. You have done a great kindness for me! I was kind of worried about making it home as I was a bit distracted! I can still feel your kiss and the way you felt through your pants. I can still feel you touching me. I was hard the whole way home.

I thank you for that initiation. It was very emotional. It felt natural and it felt good. It hurt that I had to wait until I was 41 to be able to experience it. I would love to be able to explore more of that but I still feel tied to my ordination promises. I know, the porn probably is against the spirit of the rule if not the letter of the rule. Probably the kiss and the touch was against the spirit of the rule also. I hate having to sneak around.

You have given me a gift and I appreciate the safe environment in which to experience it. That was a great ending to a nice day.

Peace to you,

Ben

(The "porn" mentioned in the letter were "Instructional Videos" as Lemuel would call them.)

I guess this was another step in my coming out and my finding Nick.

Dona Nobis Pacem

We Shall Cry in our Chai

Hanaman, we shall miss you.

Rev. Haggard

This whole thing with Rev. Haggard is really getting me. I think I may be overly identifying with him. I know what it feels like to deny what you are feeling and try to "act straight." I know what it is like to lose your ministry and have people of faith tell you that you are terrible person because of who you love.

But what he is dealing with is so much more than what I have dealt with. I am not belittling what I went through, but I didn't have a wife and five kids and a church of 14,000 people.

We may want to point fingers and snigger. But that is not very Christian, either. How can we, the GLBT community reach out to Rev. Haggard and help him to see that he really is a wonderful creation of God, JUST THE WAY HE IS! He doesn't need to hide or be ashamed. How can we help this man of God realize he really is a man of God? Created by God? And loved by God, just the way he is. He may have made dark choices, but he is not a dark person.

It would be easy to ridicule Rev. Haggard, but then we, the oppressed become the oppressors. We can't let this happen.

Rev. Haggard, you are a wonderful creation of God. What you feel need not be "repulsive and dark." You have made some bad choices, but you are not your choices. You are so much more. My prayer is that you come to realize the love of God is so much bigger than you have imagined. God did not send His Son for the few, "God so love THE WORLD!" Rev. Haggard, God loves you, a struggling man, a gay man.

Nick Found One

Nick found a Thanksgiving Mug! He found it in Pittsburgh and bought one for me and one for himself. He said he was about to burst trying to keep from telling me. It was quite a surprise when got home and handed it to me. I though it might be a mug with my name on it because I often kid about how hard it is to find a mug with my name. But it was a Thanksgiving mug. How cool is that?

Uh Oh!

You know, it is never a good thing when you get a registered letter from the IRS. If there is anyone reading this from another country, the IRS is the taxation branch of the American government. I am not pleased to get this...

I do claim ignorance. I am so financially inept. But, another money matter to make things happy.

Welcome Out Neil Patrick Harris

Neil Patrick Harris, of Doogie Howser, MD fame and more recently How I Met Your Mother and also, my favorite, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, tells People On-Line Magazine that he is gay. He says, "I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest ..."

Good for you Doogie! The rest of you hiding out there, come on out, the weather is getting better all the time!

Prague Men's Clothing

Does anyone know anything about Prague Clothing? A co-worker is trying to find a web site or something. Thanks!

We've Got The Power!

I was just watching some of the election ads on TV. You know something? We have a lot power! We, the GLBTs of the world can DESTROY(!!!!!!) the family, AS WE KNOW IT!!!!! Oh no! We start getting married and the next thing you know, all those hottie hets will be running out and having anal sex. Look! It has already started! Next thing you know, those hets will be getting style and start cleaning up their homes and neighborhoods! That would be horrible! Maybe that is why the Pink Flamingo is dying!! Because of us and our famous sense of style, Millions! (no) Thousands! (no) Hundreds! (maybe) Tens! (probably) of people will lose their jobs in the pink flamingo industry. But if the US would allow GLBT folks to get married...BILLIONS of people could be hired in the marriage planning industry alone!

Of course I am having a little fun here, but the fear mongering that is going on is pathetic. Maybe if GLBT folks would be allowed to marry, fundamentalist preachers wouldn't have to pay for sex.

Say It Isn't SO!!!!

I just heard it on the Today Show...The company that makes the plastic pink flamingo is going out of business! Oh the humanity! NO! What will we with no aesthetic sense put in our yards?

I think we need a moment of silence.

1957-2006

Preliminary Data

As of twelve hours of "My Porno Shoot" being on my blog, it is the second highest page hit. The only page hit more is the generic blogspot page.

My Porno Shoot

Doug over at Gossamer Tapestry said that because of one post traffic to his blog has tripled. I wanted to see if it works!

The Society You Save May Be Your Own!

Hat tip to YarravillePaul

Happy Halloween!

I had a pic on this post that really wasn't "Safe For Work" and I like to keep this work safe, so here is a link to the picture. You can click here if you feel so inclined.

Anatomy of a Melt-Down

I really hate melt-downs. Not the China Syndrome kind of melt-down but an emotional melt-down.

I had a melt-down yesterday. Nick was kind about it in his blog, but it was an all out melt-down. It started with a bit of anxiety and ended with Nick holding me as thoughts of personal disgust ran wild through my head.

What is weird is that I am generally a pretty stable person. I do not just tail-spin at the drop of a hat. But yesterday, I think I hit the "perfect storm." I was tired, I was a bit emotionally depleted (the past weekend was more busy than restful), I had just discussed my whole psychological picture, I had some problems with bills, and my tire blew.

I also think something that "helped" precipitate the melt-down was the presence of Nick and my trust in him. By having him near, it was like it was ok for me to just let all the stress and frustration wash over me. I do have to admit that when the whole "storm" was over, I did feel better. I think knowing Nick was there and wouldn't leave me allowed me the luxury of flushing away the emotions. I feel sorry for Nick having to deal with such emotional storms, but I thank God that Nick was here to help me through it.

They Just Don't Exist

Ok, people... I have found Christmas coffee mugs, Halloween mugs, Valentine's Day mugs, Easter mugs, 4th of July mugs, and St. Patrick's Day mugs. But, I have never found a Thanksgiving (U.S. Pilgrims and Turkeys) Day mug. Anyone out there ever find one?

OUCH!

I guess it was good that we weren't cruising down the interstate when this happened. We were on the back roads out of the Detroit area. I really am not a fan of major highways. Granted, they are usually faster, but they just are not very inter sting. The good thing is that the weather was wonderful (about 70 degrees F) and I have roadside assistance. I felt kind of funny calling to have someone change the tire, I could have done it myself, but that is why I bought the roadside assistance, wasn't it? Also, I didn't know how to get the spare off the underside and how to work the jack. I do now! And also, the butt on the guy from the shop wasn't too bad! The face was, aigh... But when he bent over it was nice!!

Nick and I were in Detroit because I had to go to the debriefing of my psych assessment. (Talk about Freudian slips, I originally typed "psycho assessment"!) That is another hoop I had to jump through and now that is finished. I just have to track down two people to do the background assessment and then the process is finished on my end. (I hope!)

I am getting tired of this. I had a fairly major melt-down this afternoon. I thank God Nick was here to help me. Sometimes I just get tired of the struggle. I get tired of being strong. I get tired of having life always be a trial. It was nice to have someone there to just hug me and make no demands. That was something I had come conclusion I would never have.

As Nick posted, I will have Amber this week. This is not really a very good picture of her, she is much cuter.

Right now, Claudia, the more skittish of my two cats is lying on one side of me, and Amber is on the other. In the time I have been posting, Madeline changed spots with Claudia. Maybe there is hope they will get along yet!

Lead Us Not Into Temptation

Haunted House

Nick and I were out driving around in the country when we came upon this house. Looks spooky, huh?

De Nile

I was a pretty good swimmer in my day. It actually took me a while to get to be good because I was totally afraid of drowning. Once I got past the fear, I could start to actually swim. However, I still have that small fear of drowning.

Now, I don't care how well you can swim, eventually the swim gets to be too much and the body of water is too large. That is the point that I am approaching.

I woke up again dreading the thought of the furnace kicking on. I am making good money, but I bought the house with the concept that I would be making better money. I sound like a broken record, but the money thing bothers me. I have never really had to worry about money and I really don't know how to deal with this. I don't know...

We Don't Do Anything

Morgan over at It's a Blog Eat Blog World got me thinking about Veggie tales. He has the Song of the Cebu over there so I decided to post "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything." Thanks for the memories Morgan!

A Learning Moment

A few moments before this picture was taken, this was a lamp shade. This is the second lamp shade I have made and the first big lampshade. So I am still learning what to do and what not to do. NOT TO DO: Do not place the shade on the table upside-down without support, even though the outside is soldered. Oh well, a few(?) more hours of work.

Shortage of Clergy?

I sometimes wonder about the way organized religions treat their clergy. If this were just a situation with me, I would assume that it is just my bad luck, but I have heard of others having similar problems.

My case is frustrating. I left a job as a psychologist for the state of Illinois to go to seminary.

After graduation, I got called to a little church “up north.” When I say little, I mean maybe 40 people on Sunday. And quite often, being in my mid-30’s, I would be the youngest person in the sanctuary.

I was also dealing with a congregation that had become known as “Clergy Killers.” Of the four previous pastors, three left the ministry after being at this congregation. None of them lasted longer than four years. And one left without even leaving a forwarding address.

Well, surprise of surprise! I had problems with this congregation. I was asked why I didn’t “treat” the congregation because I had the psychology background. I said there is a difference between being a pastor and being a therapist. But the synod kept its distance from me and any problems that I would direct their way, seemed to get “lost.”

Finally, I got to the point where I was suicidal and was looking for ways to change my name and just leave. When I finally told the congregation that I would be leaving, only then did the synod pay any attention. And the attention I got was being told that I was just not trying hard enough. And that I was an example of why it is so hard to place first-call people.

It was decided I would leave the congregation on Oct. 28, (2 years, 2 months, and 22 days after arriving). I left with the desire to drive into bridge abutments. I left without any job. I left without any insurance. I left with a prescription for the maximum dosage of Zoloft. And I left being told that the synod could not do anything about helping me to pay for the prescription because they were not a “charity organization.”

Almost a year later, I received another call. This was the call I have just left. For the most part, it was great. (There is never a perfect call.) The call was good enough to allow me to deal with the skeletons in my closet and deal with my sexuality.

That sexuality thing created a whole new problem in and of itself. Now the synod was backing away, not because I was leaving but because I was a “messy” problem. I was told that “we would all be embarrassed about [my] leaving in a few years. But as for now, there is nothing we can do.” Nothing we can do? If it is a law that will be embarrassing, LET’S FIGHT IT! Let’s be the people who said, “We think this is wrong and we are going to do something about it.”

So now, I am working temp, waiting for a call from the ECUSA. Now, denominations are always complaining how they are in need of clergy, but here one sits, answering phones for a helpdesk.

A similar situation is occurring with Nick. He is trying to find a pulpit within his denomination but seems to find indifference and apathy. He will contact people and never seems to hear back from them. Nick has over 20 years of experience in the congregation but they cannot find a pulpit for him. I don’t get it.

We hear the cry that there is not enough clergy. But here sit clergy, willing to work, with no pulpits in sight. I am confused as to what is happening.

It Approaches...

TWO MONTHS 'TIL CHRISTMAS!!!!

Cheese with that Whine?

Yep,one of those whiney posts.

I woke up thinking about bills. The furnace kicked on and I woke up. I though, "I have to pay for the heat somehow." This is not where I though I would be at this point in my life.

The traveling back and forth between Nick's place and my place is getting old too. It is hard to get things done around the house when you are never here. I know things will get better, I am just getting tired of waiting.

I will be going to get the psych eval debriefed. That is good, maybe we can get the whole Episcopal thing moving!

Enough for now, have to get ready for work. Have a great day all.

Huh?

Now let's think about this: If it is just nails, there is nothing more. If there is something more, then it is not just nails.

Weekend

Nick and I had a great weekend. He does a much better job of describing things than I so you can check out the Sweetest Day Surprise. I guess great minds think alike. Also, on Nick's blog, you can see the picture of me taking the picture of the scarecrows. It is always a good time with Nick. The driving is just getting a little tiring.

I Don't Exist!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Happy Sweetest Day!

Not Again!

6:24, 6:25, 6:26...Thank you for calling...

Yep, it happened again! I was just about to leave on Friday night, FRIDAY NIGHT!, when someone called. And again, it wasn't something easy like just rebook; NO! It was someone's laptop going on the fritz. And Laptops we have to send out to the manufacturer; no simple fix here.

So I am stuck in the call center, 6:45 pm on a FRIDAY NIGHT! and I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing and no one to ask and I WANT TO GO TO NICK'S! I don't want to be there! So I get the guy taken care of (I know, bad sentence structure)and head out.

On the way there I stop to pick up something for Nick for Sweetest Day (But that is another post!).

What's With Sheeple These Days?

A little light reading.

A Picture I Didn't Take But Wish I Had!

The first pictures with the new camera!

Madeline
The possessed cat (Claudia)and my messy house.

6:26, 6:27, 6:28, Thank-you for calling...

That is what happened tonight. Two minutes until I could clock-out and a call comes in. And not just any call, but a call that needs to have hardware dispatched which means a whole bunch of forms and jumping all over the intranet to find the right information. Finally, a half-hour later I got to go home.

But there was good news! My camera, the camera I have had for four years and loved dearly, got taken into the store to get fixed. (You see, it was roaming around the neighborhood at night and would start humping my leg in the middle of the night, oh!) I had about 10 days left on my extended warranty. I got a call to bring in my receipt, they cannot fix the camera, so I got a new camera! They were supposed to give me a camera of similar technology (I wish it were similar price!) but since my camera was only a 2 megapixel, the camera that I got HAD to be an upgrade. So I am now the proud owner of a 5 megapixel Canon. It is so tiny! I hope it takes as good of pictures as my old one.

So, in honor of my old camera, I will do a mini-retrospect of the pictures it has taken.

What Classic Movie are You?

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

What are we doing to ourselves?

I read something today that got me upset. Now before I continue, I want to state that I could be totally off base. I could be misunderstanding what was happening. And I may be opening myself up for similar attacks in doing this. But hey, I could get killed for this or for telling someone that they dropped their napkin when they threw it out of their car.

I am going to be rather vague about the situation, it is not the situation itself that is sad but what the situation says about us, as gay people. If you recognize the situation, great, if not don’t worry about it.

The situation appears to be a group of bloggers attacking another blogger. Now, this was done on Oct 13 (which was a Friday) and may have been a joke. But, to me at least, it wasn’t very funny. The bloggers that were being attacked are a long-term, happily partnered couple. Their blog is a slice of their life, including all the small things like where they went to dinner and what they watched on television. It sometimes can be a bit sugary, but what is so wrong about that?

Then on October 13 there was a spate of posts parodying this blog. These parodies were not in fun but were mean-spirited. What it felt like is a bunch of bloggers who were not happy with their own lives needed to attack another. So therefore, they could not allow these others to be happy either. Since these bloggers that were attacked were happy and leading a normal, boring life, the other bloggers decided to make them the objects of ridicule.

I think it is sad enough that we have people running around telling us that we are abominations and we that we don’t know how to live a “normal” life. But when we have people who have been together for eight years and are still going strong, who have jobs and are happy, who do not go out and cruise the streets, become the object of ridicule; well, we, ourselves, have become as much a tool of the fundamentalist as Jim Dobson or Alan Chambers. When we attack each other, all we are doing is presenting the world with another point to say, “See, THEY are just a bunch of immature deviants. They don’t even want to try to act civil.”

Now, maybe it is the age that I was when I came out, but I want the white picket fence. I want the person waiting when I get home at night. I want the dream. And I don’t think we should ridicule the people who do actually have that dream. If that is not something you want, fine. But just because you don’t want it doesn’t mean it is wrong.

You Pollute My Air, I'll Pollute Yours!

See of Change

Yes, I know, you are probably thinking, "He spelled 'sea' wrong!" Well, no, I really wanted to use the word "see."

What I mean is that I have been seeing a change in myself. By looking back at my blog postings, I have noticed that they have moved from angst about being gay to more angst about life in general. Now, I would like to be rid of the angst all together, but if I have to have angst about something, I am glad it is not about being gay.

When I started this process, I wanted to get to the point where I was not "Gay Pastor Ottaia." I wanted to move to the point where I was "Pastor Ottaia who just happens to be gay." I think I have moved in that direction. Now granted, I am not even "Pastor Ottaia" at this point, and that may have something to do with my attitude. I am in an area where being gay does not really matter. I wonder if my attitude will charge when I get involved again in the whole church process. I hope not. I know that the ECUSA is less worried about sexuality, but there is still there.

"Thank you for calling..." Part Deux

Ok, I made it through my first day ... sort of. I actually took three calls and didn't do too bad. Granted, they were fairly simpl things like resetting passwords, but I did do it! Then, for some weird reason, they sent everyone home; in effect closing the helpdesk. I was getting kind of charged to take more calls and then "poof" we are sent home. I don't get it.

Oh well, tomorrow is the big day, the new build is going out over the whole system and we are expecting a large quantity of calls as people become acquainted with the new system.

"Thank you for calling..."

Well, I officially "go live" today. Done is the "training" (I use the quotes because I really didn't feel like I got a whole lot of training) and now we are really answering questions. I also have an additional assignment of contacting people who have had a patch put on their computer. I have to remove the new patch and put the old patch back on.

I am really kind of nervous about all of this. I wish I could feel more comfortable. I know that once I get in the flow of things, I will be ok. I am a fairly bright guy and I am sure I will pick up on things once I can get them into context. Oh well, que sera, que sera.

After work I have to quickly drive across town to rehersal. I work from 10 am to 6:30 pm and then have rehersal from 7 until 9. It makes for a long day, but I have done long days before.

Nick has been great, putting up with my mood swings as I deal with my perfectionism and fear of failing. He is great to put up with me. Now we just need to find him a job here so we can quit playing this "house tag." I am almost to the point where I can drive from my house to his and back, and many permutations of the trip, in my sleep.

One of my kids is getting more comfortable with Nick and Amber. Madeline will come into the room and will actually come up to me even with Nick and Amber sitting on the futon. Claudia is a different story. I haven't seen here in a couple of days. Hopefully she will come around too.

"Battle Shits"

Here is a great scene from "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle"



The other day when I was at work, I had to "go"! So I went to the bathroom and unfortunately, there was a person in the other stall. Well, I tried to not just let it all out but there comes a point where you really cannot moderate the rate of expulsion. So things just kind of went. Then I started to think of this scene and almost couldn't keep from laughting. Little snorts would come out between spluts and splashes. I quickly got out of there and then started to laugh once I got out of the room. I figured the guy next to me would not understand if he heard a toot and a splash and then heard uproarious laughter!

Beta Problems?

Has anyone had success using Picasa with Blogger beta? I can't seem to get it to work.

National Coming Out Day

It is kind of odd, this year.

Last year, I remember National Coming Out Day, I don't remember if I told anyone or not. But I do remember e-mailing some (gay) friends and telling them that, hey!, this is my first Coming Out Day.

This year, after The Letter, and The Talk, there is not too many people who don't know. I guess I could have told people at work, but since I have just started and because it is a temp job, I really don't want to be too out there yet. I have not denied being gay, I just have not felt the need to state it either. Maybe that is a cop out. Oh well...

HAPPY NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!

Let There Be LIPS!

With Halloween Coming...

We need a little ROCKY!

Funeral Music

I was tagged by Janna over at One More Drop In A Bloggy Ocean to do this meme. It is kind of interesting. The question is: What five songs do you want played at your funeral?

Now, this is kind of hard, because there are the songs that I would like to have and then there are the songs that would be more appropriate to a funeral.

First off, I will give you the "appropriate" songs I would like for my funeral.

First, I would like the song O Come, O Come, Emmanuel. I know it is an advent song, but I like it and I think it is appropriate for a funeral.

Second, I would like the song Soon and Very Soon.

Third, I would like Give Me Jesus

Fourth, would be We Are Called. Sorry, I could not find a link to this one.

Fifth, would be an old standard like Amazing Grace.

Now other songs that I think would be fun at a funeral would be:

Always Look On The Bright Side of Life

I'm Going Home


I think that is it. It was kind of fun! Now I think I will tag Lemuel over at The Greedy Maelstrom.

"Why do gays only talk about being gay?"

I read a post over at A Rainbow Flag in Narnia where Steve was answering a question about people feel that "being gay" is the most important thing in a gay person's life. What is interesting is that I was just thinking how "Flaming Heterosexual" so many people seem to be.

Case in point: I have just started a new job. I already know that my trainer is married, has lived with his wife before he was married. Does not go to strip clubs because of what he has at home. Has a wife that likes to initiate sex. And "you know you are married and you want to go to bed to sleep."

Now, if we were to place a gay person in that situation and the same things were said, the person would probably be out of a job.

To the heterosexual population, they don't see what they say as being out of the ordinary. So when they hear us talk about our life, we are "throwing it in their face." What they don't realize is that their activities are constantly in our faces. We are just supposed to say nothing about it.

I actually am kind of upset at the actions of my trainer. I find the conversation to be totally inappropriate for the work-place. I wonder if I should say something or if then I will be written off as someone who isn't willing to have some fun.

I really don't know if I am offended because I am offended or if I am offended because of the disparity in treatment.

October Crickets

I find crickets in October to be kind of bittersweet. Especially here in the upper Midwest, it is, well, difficult. It is a comforting sound, but it is also sad. You know that eventually the weather is going to freeze and the crickets will be dormant until the next spring. It is a wonderful sound, but a sound full of feeling that it cannot deliver upon.

Today it was warm. Tonight there are crickets. I wonder how much longer they will be around. Soon, they will be gone.

Today, at work, I was listening in on the conversation of some of my co-workers. It kind of made me sad. They were talking about gays.

The guy said that he really didn't mind "them" as long as they didn't hit on him.

I got to thinking. He probably considers himself very open and hip. But what he said is still homophobic. How would he like it if he had to worry that every time he talked to a woman, she just might deck him or maybe even try to kill him.

And then another guy said something about "and then they get so mad if you say that they chose to be gay."

Then the first said, "And why do they have to talk about it all the time?"

I probably should have called them on it. But I just sat there and said nothing.

I am shocked how much heterosexism permeates our society. If I were to do to Nick in public what I see others do in public, we would probably be in jail. But for the hets, it is ok.

Arrggg....

The job is interesting. I am getting paid to sit in class, learn about 20 minutes worth the stuff, and play computer games for the rest of the time. I guess I would rather get paid almost $17 per hour to play games there than to sit at home and do it for nothing.

The Heterosexual Agenda - EXPOSED!

Here it is! Possibly the most explosive news of our decade!

For Ur-Spo

Distracting

Man, to steal a term from Lemuel over at The Greedy Maelstrom, my "Hunkdar" has been working overtime today.

Although the trainer for my new job is nothing spectacular, I am kind of glad I am not in the other training session, I would never get anything done! The guy is just the right height, just the right body build, and BALD! I wouldn't be paying attention to what I was supposed to be doing and I would have to stay sitting all day. Nick said he was happy I wasn't in the other class either!

Then there was the guy who was sitting next to me during rehearsal for the choral I am in. He was kind of my "other ideal." (if that is possible.) Dark, goatee, a little cheek bristle, hairy, and a great bass voice. He was kind of a jerk though.

The picture is a barn on I-80 in NW Illinois.

Let's Rush The Seasons!

I saw a commercial advertising Christmas toys for Wal-Mart, today. Way too early!!

New Job Tomorrow

I start my new temp job tomorrow. What is really kind of sad is that I have been unemployed long enough that having to get up for work seems to be a bit daunting. But I am sure I will get used to it. Yes, I am whining, but that is why I have a blog!

I also have my second rehearsal tomorrow for the choral I joined. It is fun being part of a semi-pro choral, especially since my sister used to hassle me, as a kid, that I couldn't sing. This is something I couldn't do before because there was so much always going on at the church.

It will be nice getting back to doing something more than just sitting around the house.

"Have you ever read Freud?"

A great explanation of Freud and people who are stridently homophobic. I like to think of it as the "Latent Homosexual Doth Protest Too Much Syndrome."

Now Everyone Knows...

Yes, now it is official: Everyone will know that I am crazy. The tests have been taken and the results have been sent in. And I just about laughed out loud when I got to the question, "When I think of my mother, I ..."

I did realize that the MMPI has become dated. They actually had a disclaimer letter to explain the use of non-gender neutral language and antiquated ideas. But they did say that the instrument was better than anything that is currently available.

I do find that fatigue does factor into these things. By the time I was getting to the end, I really didn't care what I put down. I tried to be conscientious, but I know I did get sloppy toward the end.

After taking the assessments, I called Nick who was at a conference, also in Detroit. We met for lunch which was nice. I would have liked to spend more time with him but he had things to do and I wanted to get out of the city before it got too late. (I have wimped out since I have been away from big cities.)

Unfortunately, it will take approx. 3 weeks to score the instruments and to write the report. Then I have to go back and have the thing debriefed. Only then will all the stuff be given to the ECUSA and I can officially be in the process.

The new temp job starts on Monday so that means some money actually will start coming in. I am happy about that. I hate worrying about money. I will have to say that God has been at work; just yesterday I had a former neighbor offer me $1000 if I needed it. She said, "That is what the world is about and that is what we should do."

Some people just awe me with their generosity.

She made me promise that I would ask if I needed it. I will make sure that I REALLY need it before I ask.

Rejection

Well, I got a rejection notice from the Triangle Foundation. I am sad, not just because I wanted the job, but I thought working with an advocacy foundation would be great. I also had come up with a plan to work for the foundation during the week and help with congregations that were in need of a pastoral presence on weekends.

Oh well...

Time Flies Like An Arrow...

But fruit flies like a banana.

I don't know why, but that silly little saying was wedged into my head this morning. One of those wonderful repetitive thoughts. Actually, I even think it made it into a couple of my dreams. What comes next? "Take my wife...Please!"

The kids were actually pretty good last night. Amber stayed on the bed most of the night. Madeline, one of the cats came up on the bed for a while. But Claudia, the more skiddish of the two, didn't even come into the room. Actually, while I am typing this, Madeline is right in front of the monitor and Amber is lying down by my feet. If Nick moves in, the critters will have to learn how to get along together.

One thing we will have to figure out is what to do with the food situation. Amber likes the cats' food, but the cats eat prescription cat food and it costs way too much to have them all eating it. I have the food up but I cant get the cats to show them where the food is. In the past, I have put the food in the attic because that is where the cats sought refuge. But with the weather getting colder, the attic door has been closed.

I get to have my psych evaluation tomorrow. A "wonderful" drive to Detroit tomorrow morning and then a bunch of silly tests. I shouldn't say "silly" but I have taken courses in testing design and administration. It is hard to give a "valid" answer when you know what the question is fishing for. So I usually end up with the title of "Avoidant." Oh, well...

Practice question: "When I think of my mother I feel..." Now, if I say, "Scared she will castrate me." they may think I have a mother who is emasculating. If I say, "like I need to open a window to breath" they may think my mother is suffocating, but actually it just means she needs to wear deodorant. (JUST KIDDING!) Maybe I should just say, "Empowered to go out and explore my world and be as effective as possible... and World Peace."

Oh, well...

I saw there will be a show on Jesus Camps, tonight on MSNBC. It is on Countdown at 8 pm EDT. Unfortunately, I don't get that channel. If anyone sees it or knows if it shows up on the web, let me know! Thanks!

Well, I am here today, Nick is in the Detroit suburbs. Hope all is well in your world.

I Got The Kids

Nick is at a conference, so I have the kids. My two cats and Nick's dog.

It is funny because Amber, Nick's dog, couldn't really care less about the cats. She just goes about her thing and doesn't even bother the cats. Now the cats, on the other hand, really don't like Amber. They hiss at her and go running whenever they hear Amber. But it is kind of interesting here.

I wonder what is going to happen tonight when Amber tries to sleep in my bed along with the two cats.

Oscillations

I think it was in the book The Screwtape Letters, where there is a discussion of the oscillation of our lives. Things in our lives ebb and flow. Seasons come and go. (Sounds like a song!) According to the book, we really can't stay in one place too long.

Well, I keep feeling the swing. I feel fine with things, then I feel horrible. I feel life is going well, then I feel like my life is falling apart. Well now I am in the "things are falling apart" part of the oscillation.

I got a phone call from a former colleague. He just called to see how I was doing. I was actually quite surprised because we were just acquaintances, we never really talked. He would know though, because his wife is an assistant to the bishop. But we talked for almost an hour and it was nice, but it also made me sad. Maybe someday I will get over being sad and upset and realize that the ELCA is what it is. But it still saddens me and makes me angry.

I know that it was not his intent to sadden me, it just happened. I guess the bad times are getting farther and farther apart.

Good News!

Nick had an interview today! Hopefully I won't jinx it by posting about it! It would be here so I could be closer to him. That would be nice.

Ok, the truth is out!

According to this site, I do it too much! I guess needing reading glasses should have been my first clue.

But then, another place on the site tells people to practice more! Make up your minds!

When Worlds Collide

I just spent the last weekend visiting people at one of my former congregations.

I don't know if I have ever lied so much in my entire life.

At least no one asked me if I had found a girl-friend yet.

What I did lie about was when people would ask how things were going. People would ask how thing were in my congregation. People who truly cared about me wanted to know how my life was.

I think knowing that people really cared was the reason why it was so hard to lie to these people. I didn't want to go into all the things that were going on. I didn't want to explain to people why I was leaving the ELCA. I didn't want to go into such details of my life.

There were people who I took the time to explain. These are people who I am close to and consider more then just acquaintances. But so many acquaintances! I actually found myself avoiding people so I wouldn't have to talk to them.

Now you may ask why I even went. Well, some good friends were having an anniversary party and I didn't want to miss that. But I also was uncomfortable with all the people.

Nick told me that I am now moving in two different worlds. I used to feel comfortable in the heterosexual world, but now I move in a different world. As society exists, I will never fit into the heterosexual world the way I did before. In many ways I have stayed the same, but I have also changed in a major way. I am pleased to say that the people I talked with were incredibly understanding.

By Sunday night, I was so tired. I felt like a fake. I felt like I was being deceptive. I just wanted to hug Nick and have him make it all go away. Of course he couldn't make it all go away, but he still hugged me and helped me to relax from it all.

What keeps getting me so upset is that I even have to go through this "process." Just because the person I love is not whom society considers "normal," I have to pretend. Others don't have to hide their lives, why should we.

Arrgg...

I've been assimilated

Please bear with me as I learn how this thing works

Why the "Flash Back" posts

Some may be wondering why all this rumination, well, I have begun to notice that my thoughts and feelings have really changed from what they were only a year ago. I want to get these thought down while I still remember them.

What is interesting is the way my thoughts and feelings have changed since I have left my church. Well, maybe not left, it probably started when I sent out the letter.

It is difficult to enjoy your time and the person you are with when you are constantly paranoid of someone seeing you together. Now maybe I actually could be called paranoid, I am not ruling that out. But I think there were more things going on.

One of the first things that was going on was my own homophobia. I was still not so sure being gay was a good thing or a bad thing. I still questioned whether God hated me for the person I loved. As such, I didn’t really want to be seen with Nick, at least where people knew me.

I also was afraid that I would be seen with Nick and people would start to make connections. It is one thing for Pr. Ben to be seen with a lady around town, it is quite another thing for Pr. Ben to be seen with some man around town. What was also difficult was the fact that a friend of one of my congregation lived next-door to me. I was afraid of a violent outing, or if not violent, at least unexpected.

As I have said in other posts, upon becoming a pastor, I agreed to a set of standards called Visions and Expectations. Within these guidelines, there is a statement about pastors who consider themselves homosexual are to refrain from any homosexual activity. They hide it under the guise of “non-marital sex,” but of course, as I could not get married, I could not have “marital sex.”

So, when I was out with Nick in my town, I was always paranoid. However, Nick was very understanding.

There were some good things about this paranoia, we found a great Chinese restaurant about 45 minutes east of town!

After I sent out the Letter, I felt a real sense of relief. I didn’t have to worry about who saw Nick and me. I could go out in town and not have to be constantly looking over my shoulder. We even had some members of the congregation invite us over for dinner.

Even though coming out cost me my call, I do not regret it. I often panic when I see how things are going, but still, I don’t regret it. I enjoy the freedom I now feel with Nick. I enjoy not having the fear of being found standing in the way. It is a great thing.

For all the fears of coming out and all the fears of things going wrong, coming out was the best thing I have done. I now know where I truly stand with people. It is a great thing.

Sick Photo of the Day Award

Telling Dream

Just before I awoke this morning, I had a very telling dream.

I was walking across a busy street. The light had changed to green and I started to cross the street. As I got to the other side, a car came around the corner and hit me. The driver was too involved in her boyfriend to notice I was in front of her. She hit me and continued to drive. I tried to get her license number but by the time I checked, she was gone.

It just dawned on me, the couple was het'. Am I feeling run over by the problems set up by the heterosexual population? I don't know.

Right on the heels of the dream, was the waking thought of the country mouse and the city mouse. I was thinking how the city mouse assumed that the way of the city was, de facto, the best life. Do we assume that the het' life is, de facto, the best life? Why should it have to be?

Paul Cameron on the Daily Show

This is funny but sad.

Adios ECUSA?

I just got a letter from the ECUSA. I have to have a psychological exam (KILL IT!!) before they can send me into the congregation. (MAKE IT BLEED!!) The problem is that I have to come up with $475 (BLOW UP A BANK!!) to have the exam. Of course I cannot have my current therapsit do the exam (DR. PHIL IS AN ALIEN!!)even though he knows me better than just about anyone.

This may be the deal breaker.

St. Nicholas

I got an e-mail from Nick this morning and it got me thinking. He was telling me how lucky he was to have met me. And although I am highly honored, I think I was the lucky one.

I told you how I first met Nick a few posts back. But that was just the start of it. Actually, the first time I met Nick, it was kind of anti-climactic. He had preached a sermon that caused a bit of a hubbub in the congregation. I remember two members out in the parking lot almost ready to duke it out. Well, by the time the fireworks were done in the parking lot, I was just about to leave with another member of the congregation to go have lunch.

A little while later, I called Nick to ask if there was some time we could talk. I needed a theological perspective on all that was happening. I couldn’t talk to the senior pastor at the church where I was called, that would entail coming out to him. I talked with my therapist, but he is Jewish. Now don’t get me wrong, my therapist is a truly wonderful man, it is just that we have a few different perspectives on theology. I had a person who on-line that I talked to, but he was not here in person. I just wanted someone, in person, that I could talk to.

I met with Nick and we talked. Part of what was driving me nuts was the whole “page 13” thing with he ELCA. What this says, in short, is it is ok to be gay, just don’t do anything about it. So I was struggling with how to learn about being a gay man while being celibate.

There was also the problem of staying in the ELCA. I didn’t want to go through life celibate, if I wanted to do that, I would have stayed Roman Catholic. But if I wanted to have a sexual relationship, I couldn’t stay in the ELCA. I know that there are others who do; I just didn’t want to have to worry about being “caught.”

Well, we got together, we talked, we had burgers, and I drove home. Well, to say I drove home would be a misnomer; I flew home. While we were sitting there, Nick looked at me, touched me on the side of the face, and said, “You are so intelligent and attractive.” Now, a guy has never said that to me before. I was, like I said, flying.

We started to get together on my days off to do things. We would go to movies, museums, etc… We would discuss what it means to be gay and what it means to be pastors, and what it means to be gay pastors.

One day, after seeing a movie, I think it was Capote, we returned to the church so I could get my car and drive home. Well, this was something that I had been thinking about so I decided to ask. I explained to Nick that I had never kissed a guy before and I asked him if I could kiss him. (And it was true; I had never kissed a guy before.) I felt safe with him and wanted to get over one of those “gay hurdles.”

The kiss was wonderful! And being emboldened, I told Nick that I had never touched a man before, either. And before he had a chance to give me permission, I reached down and felt his crotch. (THROUGH HIS PANTS!! I was still trying to be a good boy.) He felt wonderful! But he pushed me back before things went farther.

After this, Nick said that he could be my friend, but as far as being a pastoral presence for me, he would have to pass that on to another. I appreciate his integrity.

On the idea of integrity, Nick was always a gentleman. He never did anything without me first giving my permission. He never forced me to go anywhere I didn’t want to go. He always waited until I was ready. So when we finally did get together, it was when I was ready.

What was so wonderful was that he would wait for me. He did not say, forget it Ben, you are just wasting my time. He did not just get his needs taken care of and then head out when I took longer. He was kind, patient and loving.

And Nick continued to be patient. When I would be paranoid of being out at a restaurant or something, he would not be offended nor would he get impatient. He would deal with me having breakdowns wishing I were dead instead of gay. He was patient as I told more and more people.

Nick was most patient when I had my talk with my senior pastor. I was on the phone for hours with Nick. He would talk to me and helped me to get perspective on what was happening.

I know, it sounds like I am talking about St. Nick. (With my love of Christmas, that wouldn’t be so bad!) But I wonder where I would be if I never met Nick. He is so patient and helpful. He is definitely a gift from God.

I hope all of you have found a “Nick” in your life. I hope you found someone to help you past the roadblocks that are just a reality of life..

I love you Nick!

Paul Cameron is NOT trying to be funny?

I have been trying to get YouTube to post this all day, yesterday. I couldn't get it to work so here is a link. As always, The Daily Show helps to show the absurdity of the homophobia that is in the world.

Thanks to Box Turtle Bulletin.

This Is Very Sad

This is an article from The Advocate about a young man who is Pentecostal and believes he need to repress who God made him to be. How sad.

Thanks to Straight Not Narrow.

Jim McGreevey on Oprah

I think Jim did a good job. I think he came across with integrity.

I am also glad Oprah asked the questions she did. At first I thought she was just riding Jim, but then I thought more about it: She was just asking the questions that many heterosexuals want to know. She was just asking what heterosexual people don't understand.

I hope a lot of people saw the interview and I hope it sparks a lot of conversation.

Starting of the Coming Out Process

I have been reading about some other folks’ process of coming out. So, although many of you have been following my coming out process, I thought I would do a recap.

I think it is important to be out and proud. Sometimes I will get a little weird about being out (especially when around people who [forgive the stereotype] appear to be “red-necks”) and the weirdness happens when I am afraid someone would want to hurt Nick or me just because we are gay. And although I may not run around telling everyone I am gay, I do wear a rainbow cross on my jacket and am looking for other ways to be out and proud.

But the whole coming out process took a somewhat twisty path.

The first person I came out to was my therapist. I came to the conclusion that I was gay on a Sunday, and told my therapist on the following Tuesday. For me, my therapist was instrumental in my coming out, even to myself. I needed to know that my therapist was not going to chastise me or call me bad because I was gay.

I guess I knew I was gay even when I started going to my therapist. (About two years before I actually told him.) I was at a weird spot of knowing I was gay but not wanting to admit it. I was thinking that if I got a good church location and really found the “right woman” that things would work. I trusted that God had a “good woman” just waiting for me; I just needed to get settled. Gosh, I really am straight, you know!

Well, through a quirk of fate, I finally decided that, yes, I was gay. I was at church camp with some kids from my congregation. We were cleaning up at the end of the week and a friend and colleague of mine asked where the broom was. I said, “In the closet.” He said, sotto voce, “That is not the only thing in the closet.”

I was really kind of pissed by the comment but did not say anything to him. But I did think, “If I am not fooling anyone, why am I trying to fool myself?” And with that, I came out to myself.

What is interesting, I talked to my friend later, and he does not remember saying anything about me being in the closet. I can trust him to be truthful, so I guess my mind must have been ready to move out of the closet.

I then talked to a friend from college, another colleague, and some former neighbors. In each case, everyone was exceedingly supportive. Every person was great, in that I am blessed!

I knew that I couldn’t stay in the ELCA and be a gay man. Especially after the national assembly and the vote to not allow gay pastors. I knew I needed to find a church that would be welcoming of me as someone who FINALLY has come to grips with my sexuality.

I went to church at an MCC church and it was there that I met Nick. He was preaching as the senior pastor was on vacation. I really did not talk too much to him on that day, but I did go out for brunch with another member of the congregation. It was great to actually be “out” and out in the community. The church was not in the city I live in so I could actually “be gay.” (Whatever that means.) It felt good to be able to talk about being gay and to be around someone who was very open with himself. (He was out for many, many years.)

That is enough for now. I will post more later.

Latest Creation

I just made this for an Anniversary Present. I should be doing this instead of hanging out on the internet.

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Thanks to Milton over at Don't Eat Alone for reminding us that it is International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

So, Ahoy!

I decided I was going to just post a picture that I liked each Monday. It may be one I took or one I found. I will give credit to the ones I find.

So, for today...

 

The Lower Falls in Yellowstone. 

In Praise of Seasonal Roads with Dead Ends

All Roads Lead To...

We were driving around central Michigan and ended up back in Paris, so we had steaks in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. It was Magical!
 
 
 
  

Official Photo of the Republican Party

  

I am the Fool

You scored as 0 - The Fool. The Fool is the most complex and most contradictory of all the Tarot cards. "I am not a number, I am a free man". The Fool represents naivety and childlike innocence - yet the Fool is wise. He carries only what possessions he really needs He journeys through life, tasting everything it has to offer then letting it go and moving on. The Fool is a risk taker, often shown with one foot over a cliff showing us every new beginning has a risk. Whether the Fool represents opportunity or danger one thing is clear: this world needs more fools. 0 - The Fool 75% XIX: The Sun 69% XI: Justice 69% VI: The Lovers 69% III - The Empress 69% II - The High Priestess 69% I - Magician 63% VIII - Strength 56% XIII: Death 50% XVI: The Tower 50% X - Wheel of Fortune 44% IV - The Emperor 44% XV: The Devil 25% Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

What a difference...

When I woke up this morning, I was totally depressed. I had come to the conclusion that I was going to have to rent my house to be able to make payments. I couldn't sell it because the market is so bad that I couldn't even get out of it what I owe. So in renting it, I could at least make my house payment and I could rent an apartment which would save me money in the long run.

I also came to the conclusion that I would have to take a job that paid only $10/hour until I could find something else.

And I was waiting for the Episcopal church to send me the stuff so I could send it back in.

ugh...

Then I got a call from the Episcopal secretary. All of my information was at the office and things were getting to the places that they needed to be.

Yeah!

I was still planning about getting an apartment. I can't move in with Nick because his apartment comes with his job and a bunch of other stuff. I could still get an apartment nearer and try to find a job in his direction.

Then I get a call from Kelly Services asking if I was planning on taking a job long-term. I said I needed something but I cannot accept a long-term job on just $10/hr. They said that the job they had in mind needed someone who would be willing to work for a longer time than just three months.

Well, Kelly called back later with another job offer. A true temp job...(Drum roll please) that pays $16.95/hr! Much more do-able!

I hope that after three months or so doing temp, the ECUSA will have a call for me! This would be great.

God is Good!

Ok Go

This is too cool!

People have told me this.

You Are an Old Soul

You are an experienced soul who appreciates tradition. Mellow and wise, you like to be with others but also to be alone. Down to earth, you are sensible and impatient. A creature of habit, it takes you a while to warm up to new people. You hate injustice, and you're very protective of family and friends A bit demanding, you expect proper behavior from others. Extremely independent you don't mind living or being alone. But when you find love, you tend to want marriage right away. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Maslow and the Exodus

When we read Exodus, we get all kinds of self-righteous. We think that if we were there, we would understand that God is going to save us so we know we wouldn't complain. We know we wouldn't get bent out of shape because we were hungry. We would be happy that we were out of slavery.

I used to think that way. I used to think that I would be happy to be away from slavery. I wouldn't complain. Well, I am complaining! I am thinking Egypt didn't look so bad. I am thinking that being a full slave was better than living in hungry freedom.

No, I am not hungry, yet. I am living in relative deprivation. I have less then I had and I am seeing a future with even those things going. I got a letter yesterday informing me that my house payment was going up almost $200/month. I also got news that all the paperwork I sent to the Episcopal Church was sent to the wrong place. So the whole church thing is going to take longer and soon my bank account will hit zero.

I begin to wonder if it wouldn't have been better to just keep my mouth shut, remained slave to a lie, but have the comforts in life. Would it be better to stay silent and have a job and a house? I know in my heart that it wouldn't, but the man lying in bed, unable to sleep, wonders differently.

Maslow says that we have to have our lower needs satisfied before we can reach for the higher things. It is hard to keep the higher things in mind when even the base needs seem so distant.

I look at my cat sleeping next to me and begin to panic. The food she eats to keep her from getting bowel obstructions costs $40 for a 14 pound bag. I bought a bag before I left my call, but will I be able to afford to buy another? She is sleeping. She doesn't realize that the food she needs may not be there.

I guess this shows how our society of entitlement goes. I have this feeling of entitlement. I have two masters degrees, that should account for something. In many ways, I hold my degrees up as a sign that I am better than others. I know I am not, but it is hard to not feel that way.

I feel like I am in the desert. I feel frightened and lost. It is easy to become angry. It is easy to yell at God and say, "I'm doing this for YOU!" It is easy to believe that this is all happening because "God hates fags." It is really easy to get depressed.

So now I am waiting to see if the temp. agency will call. I have an appointment with my shrink that I will be paying for in the future. I have bills coming due with no real way to pay.

Then the question, "If I do sell my house, then where do I live?" The other question, "In today's market, CAN I sell my house?"

It is the times like this that try our faith.

The Triumph of Forbidden Love

I saw this over at The Greedy Maelstrom. It was what I needed to experience at the moment so I thought I would pass it on.

Thanks Lemuel!