Sunday, March 06, 2011

Futzing in the Dark

How did life get to this point?  Am I really as big of a baby as my sister said I was?  Why should I associate with these people who only seem to cause me distress?  I know that cut-off is not a good thing, but is interaction with disrespect better?

When I wanted to share that Nick and I might get married due to the change in Iowa laws, did we find joy in my family?  No.  I was told, "You will kill Dad."  Not that Nick has never raised his voice to me, never struck me, never cheated on me, nor ever needed treatment for drug addiction.  No, my siblings' spouses, all of whom have fulfilled these criteria are met with open arms and lavish parties.  When I want to share my joy, I am told that I will kill Dad.

When my world is collapsing and I am losing all visible means of support.  When it looks like we will have to move and have to worry about paying bills.  When it looks like the only way to keep our heads above water is to spend a couple of months in my folks basement as Nick and I search for new calls, is this ok?  No, it will kill Dad.

My siblings are very fond of telling me that whatever I do, whether good or not so good, is going to kill Dad.  I have to wonder if "Going to kill Dad" is actually code for "We don't want you in our lives"?

There was no concern as to why we needed to move into mom and dad's basement, just that it was going to kill dad.  No thought that maybe a 46 year-old and a 62 year-old might not really relish the thought of living in the basement.  No help with possible other ideas.  Just the tirade of my lack of consideration and the "fact" that it will "kill dad."

So after being told by all three siblings on my voice mail that I am selfish and inconsiderate, I choose to tell them (not on voice mail) that I will be removing myself from their lives, I am called childish and that all I do is pop into their lives and then leave.  Do they not remember that I live about 400 miles away?  Am I supposed to move there so we can "bond?"

I guess it is good that one cannot wish oneself away.  Or maybe it would be a good thing.  IDK.  I do know that I am stronger than I had ever though because as soon as I feel like I am about to implode, something else seems to come along and up the ante.

Sorry about the rant, just seems like the head moves faster at night.


suz said...

It's a two way street, Babe. How often does your "family" come visit you to "bond?" And look how excited they are at the prospect of you coming home and becoming part of the family again! It's possible they don't want their noses rubbed in your peaceful stable relationship. You made good choices in stormy circumstances; they made poor choices on the sunniest of days. They might be a little resentful that the black sheep has more (of what's important) than the good little lambs, who apparently deserve to be rewarded for being born "normal."
At some point, aren't siblings suppose to grow up and leave behind the dynamics of their childhood roles? It's as if they can't see the person you have become, because they're still confounded by the fact that you're not the person you were expected to be. If they're toxic, avoid them, family or not.

And "sorry about the rant," right back at ya! Love you!

Raven~ said...

and this time, I'm with suz :-)

Jeffrey said...

My father always told me "not to tell your grandmother" (his mother) about my partner of 18 years. She lived to be 93; she always asked about John, and I know that she knew. Now that she is gone (October of '2007), I lament not having that honesty with her.