Late Night Spleen Venting

Well, I have now had about 4 hours to process this stuff, and I am still upset.

I am upset by all the misinformation that is flowing around in the world..  How even though the people of this congregation liked me as a person, I had to be bad because I was gay.  Yes, I am gay so I must not like children.  Or I must like children too much.  All of the bile that so-called Christians put out there.  Sorry folks, I am not into children.  But if Glen Beck says it, then it must be so.

I keep trying to think of what I can do instead of this clergy thing.  It really is a very difficult vocation.  Everyone thinks they can do it better, but no one wants to.  All they want to do is tell you how you are doing it wrongly.

I really just want to be in a church where we can have a great time living in a really incredible world we have been given.  All the drama is just really over-rated.

But since I started doing the church thing, it has just seemed to be one crisis after another.  I feel like I am becoming too good at dealing with crisis.  I also have to wonder if I don't create the crises.

Probably  will be more processing later today.  If you all (the five who read this!) get sick of it, I understand.

Homophobia is Alive and, well...

Well, we are back to where we were in mid May.  Only now, we have gone through all of our savings.

The church that I was waiting for decided that they didn't want me.  Oh, they thought I was a nice guy.  They liked my energy and enthusiasm, they like my sermons...  So what is the problem??

"We want someone with a family."  What do you mean by that?  "We want someone who like kids."  What do you mean by that?  "People with children will not want to bring them here."  A-HA!

Now, the fact that I am gay was never hidden from these people.  In fact, even before I was even considered here, the board was informed that I was gay.  They said that it would not be a problem.  Well, obviously it was.  And now, since people were not honest enough to admit their bigotry, we are in the same desperate situation we were in in May; except this time, we do not have the back-up savings to rely on.

I am angry, I am hurt.  I feel betrayed.  I want to hurt them.  I know I should forgive them, and I know that I will not seek any retaliation, but I am still pissed.

Faith says something will come of this; logic says it is all fucked.

Follow-Up From Previous Post

Well, now that I am in a better mood, I will flesh out the situation:

As some of you know, I have been between calls since May.  We were in the process of moving out of the apartment as the rent was going to become too expensive.  We were then told informed of a church in the area that would be needing some interim work and so we stayed in the area.

I had met with the leaders of the congregation and it was decided that I would supply at various times during the summer and then we would discuss more in the fall.  The congregation was NOT to be informed that I was a potential fill for their open position.  It was also assumed that this was a done deal unless either the church of me had a reason to say no.  We would then revisit the situation in two years and see we want to continue or if we want to change the situation.

Last Sunday, during the announcements at this church, one of the board members decided to announce that the congregation was setting up a call committee and if anyone wanted to be on it.  And, by the way, Fr. Ben was in the running.

I was a bit (BIT?) surprised.  This was NOT to be discussed with the congregation.

I talked to the President of the congregation and he said that it was NOT to be stated to the congregation.

Then I discussed it with another member of the board and she said that there was discussion of setting up a call committee and I was in the running.

A call committee is at least a 3 month process.  This was not part of the original plan.  We cannot afford to have a three month process with no income.  I could have been looking for a call this summer but I was assured this was a 99% done deal.  (I had been dreading that 1%!)

I am really getting tired of living in the 'burbs, I miss the open, empty, non-peopled places.  I was hoping to be able to get away from the city and move into a more rural area.  I have acquired some medical bills (having a kidney stone removed will do that) and was looking forward to being able to pay them.  Now, it is appearing that I should have been looking for a call all summer.

So yes, I am pissed off, I am feeling betrayed, and I am having a crisis of faith.

I look at my friends and classmates and see them in churches, taking vacations to Italy, being able to get on with life.  It just seems that I encounter difficulties.

The thought of "am I the right person for this" has gone through my head.  When I keep running into walls, I have to wonder if I need to be going in a different direction.  The problem is:  I do not see another direction.

Hopefully we can get some clarity on this situation.

Thanks for your kind words.

RANTPISSEDBETRAYEDCRISISOFFAITHFEDUP

I have had it.  If you asked me if I would do the whole thing over again, the answer would be "NO!"  Maybe even, "HELL NO!"

Life in the church has been nothing but a complete frustration.  And when I look at things that seem so totally set in stone, I have to ask:  What is the common denominator here?  That would be me.  So I would appear that I am not fit to do this task.

I am getting sick of living in the city.  I am sick of fighting among people.  I am sick of what is presented to the world as Christianity.  I was so hoping for things to calm down and it looks as if things are just as messed up as before.

The "Sure Thing" for this fall appears to be crumbling.  The financial safety net that was supposed to be there is full of holes.  The bills are piling up and the money that was supposed to pay for them is not going to appear.  And if feels like the whole situation will be chalked up to "Oh well" by those in the higher echelons.  I am still paying for this stupid degree and now the thought of it makes me nauseous.

Feelings on Leaving

I was just packing up stuff from my office. 

I noticed as I was packing that even though I was with this congregation for over a year, I never felt like I was "part."  I never felt an ownership for the congregation.  Maybe "ownership" is the wrong word.  But I never felt like I was their priest.  I always felt like I was just a visitor.

Part of this may have been the way that I came into the situation.  I just presided on Sundays for almost a year.  Then I had the Archdeacon sitting in on the vestry meetings with me for about six months.  All of this lead to the feeling of just being a supply preacher.

Also, having an almost full time job in addition to the church position did not leave me time to really feel like I was their priest.  I was always so tired from the job that the congregation felt like an imposition.  My first priority should have been for the congregation, but after working 40 hours on all kinds of shifts, the only thing I wanted to do on Sunday is sleep.  And since most of my contact with the congregation is on Sunday morning, walking into the situation with disdain for them is NOT a good way to develop a warm bond with them.

I hope that this new congregation will represent a new start.  I will be going into the situation as the priest.  I will not have someone constantly looking over my shoulder.  Hopefully I will be able to be rested enough on Sundays that I will see the congregation as my calling, not as a hindrance to my life.

I pray that I will be a blessing to the people I will be serving and I pray that there is someone out there who can shepherd the people of my current congregation to grow to their full potential.  I pray that they will find someone who will view them with love and not as a stumbling block.  This is my prayer and now I need to let them go and trust that God has something in store for all of us.

Going Into The Last Week

Well, I have 40 hours left at the land 'o Bux.  I am not sad at all.  I wish things were a little more settled, but I am not upset to be leaving. 

What I find interesting is the change in attitudes that I see.  Maybe it is just that I am less tense so I am not injecting my tension into the system.  Also the Lead Barista FINALLY CAME OUT!  Not that I didn't have it figured out.  But the Lead has a few control issues.  He told me that that he came out to me because it was the right time.  I know that he had been told that he would be sleeping alone if he didn't come out.  (Oh the stories we tell ourselves!)

I still wonder about my part in this whole thing.  It is no secret that I really don't like the job and that it really is not suited to my personality type.  But I hoped I would be adult enough to put those things aside and just do what I needed to.  However, I just found that it became intolerable.  How do people do this for years and years?  How do intelligent people do menial jobs and not go all postal?

Well, the weekend was busy.  Hopefully after this week there will be a time to rest after this whole ting is done.  And hopefully there will be job appearing soon!

Diminishing Life at Work

How nuts is the place where I (currently) work? I put in my 2-Week notice to my middle manager on Monday. On Friday, my immediate supervisor looked at the schedule and saw a note saying "Happy Trails Ben!" and asked, "What, are you going somewhere?"

I said, "Yes, I put in my notice on Monday. My last day is next Friday." She shook her head and walked away.

Counting Down

All kinds of emotions happening right now.  I am happy to be over with this job.  I am frustrated that the time isn't going faster.  I am scared about the future. 

At work, my managers are pretty much avoiding me.  The one who yelled at me because I wasn't doing her job has yet to even acknowledge that she did anything wrong.  Oh well.  The healer in me wants to try to help the system heal, the human in me just can't do it.  I have to realize that!

I still have a crappy work schedule this week.  I work 1-7:30 today, 8:30-5 tomorrow and Friday, and then 5:30 am - 10 am on Saturday.  I am not even going to talk about next week.  Next week they have thrown in the dreaded off at 7:30 pm and in at 5:30 am.  Yes, I love this job.

My biggest problem is that I just keep second guessing myself.  "Am I being a baby?"  "Could I stick this out?"  "Am I a quitter?"  I know this is the best thing to do, but the old tapes keep playing.  And having been raised Roman Catholic, those tapes have gotten transferred to MP3 and are on continuous loop!

Today is the Day!

If you are getting tired of hearing about the whole BUX thing I guess I have some good news.  Today I will be giving work my two-week notice.  If you don't want to hear any more about this, then I would send you to Swimpixx for some pictures of cute guys in speedos.

The resignation letter goes out today.  When I started working at BUX, (over three years ago), it was supposed to be a stop-gap position until I could find a church.  We always hear how churches are in need of clergy, I figured this would be a no-brainer:  Short time doing a seemingly fun job and then get back to the real work of doing the church thang.  Well, it wasn't so fast going back to the church thang.  And being in BUX has definitely lost its luster.

I am a pretty highly introverted person.  In the church, this can be dealt with; office doors can be closed while work is being done.  Or, in the age of laptop computers, sermons and other things can be written while having a BUX instead of making it.  But when you work at BUX, there is no escaping from the thronging masses; even when feeling overwhelmed. 

My feelings about being gay that I stated previously is not that I hate being gay, it is that I get so frustrated when people try to say that their opinions on all things GLBT really has no impact.  Yes, it does have an impact!  Nick likened this to the great doctor who could not practice because he was black.  Not saying I am a great preacher, but prejudice hurts us in ways we don't necessarily consider.  Also, I don't think people know how their opinions (and votes) truly impact actual people, not just imaginary or stereotypical "gay people."

I had to make a decision with work:  Do I change myself to fit the job or do I try to change the job?  Trying to change the job is the bigger task so I first tried to change my thoughts and expectations.  When I reached that "I can't change any more" point, I tried to change the work setting.  (A much more difficult prospect!)  Now that this is not working, I have finally decided that I need to remove myself from the setting.  Too many thoughts of hurting myself or others.  This is not a good thing!  (And me with no therapist or medication!)

Well, that is it for now.  I am sure more will appear as it occurs.

Night Time

Night is always the worst for me.  My brain always seems to be abuzz.  Tonight is no different.

I get angry when I think about my classmates going on vacations, buying houses, having full time congregations.  I get angry when I think of all those "normal" things that a pastor should be doing.  I get angry because I do not have these.  Not because of something that I have done that is bad, but because I am gay.  I left the church because I am gay.  I lost my house because I am gay.  I had to take my sucky jobs because I a gay.  It makes me angry.

I guess I should look at all of this from the viewpoint that I am still blessed to have some kind of income and all that happy horsesh@t, but I am not.  I am not feeling blessed at all.  (Well, that would be wrong, I am blessed to have Nick in my life.)  But besides that, I am not feeling at all blessed.  I am leaving a crappy, mentally abusive job.  I hate the person I become when I leave the job but I have no psychic reserves left to deal with anything.  I am unable to do the things that I love.  I love the people at my congregation, but they are not able to pay me enough money to keep me out of the crappy jobs.  Jobs that pay enough or are not so crappy do not have the  flexibility to allow for ministry.

I feel trapped.  I feel better about leaving, but am afraid that I will get away for a while, get rested, and will then be able to return to BUX.  But, by this time, the job will be gone.

I so want to trust that God will be waiting there to help.  I need to trust that God will be there.  If I don't believe, I am sure I will sink into the pit of despair.  I have been there once and do not want to return.

Nick asked if I would still be quitting if I were still on Celexa, I rightly don't know.  Would I be quitting or would I be allowing myself to be used and abused by a screwed up system?  I don't know.  But I keep on going.

Later Breaking Events

Well, Nick and I have talked about me quitting and I think I am in a much better place.

It may not be the easiest for us, but we will make it through.  The situation had become quite intolerable at work and not healthy for me.  So it is time to leave.

I think I have said before that there are some things brewing in the wings that could be very good!  It is just that I would like to have things happen sooner as opposed to later!  I have a friend who says we need to follow the rules of the Wing Walker and make sure you have a new handhold before you let go of the old handhold.  But right now, I think I am in trapeze mode:  I need to let go and fly through the air for a while.

Enough is Enough

I will be putting my two-week notice in at work.  Today was the day that did it.

Between working 40-hours/week over the course of 6 days.  Having to do church things.  And just the general frustration of working with a man who can get away with anything; I have decided that my tenure with BUX is at an end.

Granted, we are short of staff, but it is not like this has not been foreseen.  And we are lacking in proper trainers, not that this had not been pointed out.  It was suggested that I be trained as a coach back in August.  We have been without a Learning Coach for almost six months with nothing said or done.

Then today I get yelled at by my boss because I do not know who to call because the equipment is not working.  I had told the Lead weeks before that the equipment was not working properly, but nothing was done.  Now the Lead is not at work and I am supposed to be calling people to fix the equipment.  Hey, I am not trained to do this!  It was suggested that I get the training back in August (see previous paragraph) but that never happened. 

I cannot do church and BUX and keep from going ballistic.  So, the coffee job has to go.  I wish I had a hand hold to move to, but I do not.  But to keep going the way I am going is not going to work either. 

If you are the praying type; they would be appreciated.

Hopefully Not Crying "Wolf."

Well, it looks as if I am going to take my place in the secular world.

I was at a vestry meeting last night and pretty much cried the whole way home. Between feeling over extended at work and feeling humiliated by the deacon assisting us, I felt pretty well pummeled by the time the meeting was over. I really don't need this.

I am working almost 40 hours per week at work for $8/hr. Then I work trying to write a sermon. The church I am at has no real prospect of upping my pay to a level that would allow me to ditch the SBUX job and work at the church. And SBUX does not pay enough to allow us to live. I am going to apply for a management position at the store where I work. (I work for SBUX but am hired by a superstore chain.) Hopefully I can get a full-time position and insurance.

I think I have given the church a real shot. But frankly, something has to give and the only thing that seems to be reasonable is the church position.

I guess I am trying to talk myself into believing that this is a good idea. We shall see.

The Continuing Saga of the Starbucks Job

SO...

I went to work today. I had want to speak with my boss and try to work some things out. (Now remember, she was trying to talk me into staying.) But it seemed like any time I tried to bring up the conversation, she was busy.

Then I called to explain that I was going to be off work soon. My boss still wanted to speak with me and told me that she would be over. A half hour later and 15 minutes of overtime, I went home. No call, no show, obviously no concern.

I guess the two-weeks still stands.

Venting My Spleen

I sure hope this helps me to get to sleep!

I quit my job this evening. I had had enough of all the shinanaigans that go on there. I felt like I was babysitting. At least babysitters get $10 per hour, not a measely $8 I am currently getting.

I really do try hard to do the best job that I can, but when you have management that shirks their duties, it makes it hard. And when you have coworkers that appear to not care at all, it makes it almost impossible. And if no one around me cares, then why should I care? I end up feeling like a fool.

I know I am not irreplacable, but with the current staff they have, it is going to be difficult. But I just don't care anymore. I hate the person I have become since working there. I hate the way I feel like I have to resort to being a child to get anything to happen. I try to conduct myself with some sense of decorum, but the only way anyone seems to notice is if you scream and stomp your feet.

I did get talked into going back tomorrow, but we will see how long this will last.