Saturday, January 09, 2010

Night Time

Night is always the worst for me.  My brain always seems to be abuzz.  Tonight is no different.

I get angry when I think about my classmates going on vacations, buying houses, having full time congregations.  I get angry when I think of all those "normal" things that a pastor should be doing.  I get angry because I do not have these.  Not because of something that I have done that is bad, but because I am gay.  I left the church because I am gay.  I lost my house because I am gay.  I had to take my sucky jobs because I a gay.  It makes me angry.

I guess I should look at all of this from the viewpoint that I am still blessed to have some kind of income and all that happy horsesh@t, but I am not.  I am not feeling blessed at all.  (Well, that would be wrong, I am blessed to have Nick in my life.)  But besides that, I am not feeling at all blessed.  I am leaving a crappy, mentally abusive job.  I hate the person I become when I leave the job but I have no psychic reserves left to deal with anything.  I am unable to do the things that I love.  I love the people at my congregation, but they are not able to pay me enough money to keep me out of the crappy jobs.  Jobs that pay enough or are not so crappy do not have the  flexibility to allow for ministry.

I feel trapped.  I feel better about leaving, but am afraid that I will get away for a while, get rested, and will then be able to return to BUX.  But, by this time, the job will be gone.

I so want to trust that God will be waiting there to help.  I need to trust that God will be there.  If I don't believe, I am sure I will sink into the pit of despair.  I have been there once and do not want to return.

Nick asked if I would still be quitting if I were still on Celexa, I rightly don't know.  Would I be quitting or would I be allowing myself to be used and abused by a screwed up system?  I don't know.  But I keep on going.

1 comment:

Java said...

Ah, no. Don't go back to BUX if it's abusive. Not that store, anyway. Is it the whole system, or just that particular manager? No matter, it sucks and you are right to leave (imho).

I hope you find something that is more satisfying and meaningful and lucrative. Really, I do.

Do you have other people in your life besides Nick who tell you how wonderful it is that you're gay? Gay is glorious. Fabulous, even. Ok, not always, but in spite of all the social crap against The Gays, homosexuals in general are a fantastic group of people.