Five Months!

Homophobia

I read something, somewhere (if I were less lazy, I would find the link) about homophobia being exactly that, a fear of homosexuality.  As I think about it, I am of the assumption that this is exactly the case.  People will say, "I can't be homophobic, I am not afraid of homosexual people."  And they are probably right, they are not afraid of the homosexuality is someone else.  What they ARE afraid of it the homosexuality they see in themselves.  By seeing people who are comfortable with their homosexuality points out how uncomfortable they are with their own feelings.  So, instead of dealing with their own feelings and comfort level, they try to make the gay people go away.  The underlying assumption being, "If I don't see them, I don't have to deal with my discomfort."

The Kinsey Report has been around since the late 1940's.  In this report (on males) he speaks of sexuality not being binary, but being on a continuum.  And here, 70 years later we still cling to that binary understanding.  When someone does not fall on the heterosexual end (and we continue to vilify homosexuality) there is discomfort.  "Oh no!  I find my teammate's penis arousing!!!!"  Instead of realizing that this is natural, there is fear.  And from this fear, often comes violence.  (Be it actual physical violence or societal violence.)

I just read about an Episcopal bishop speaking about "gender anarchy."  Gender anarchy??  This sounds like someone who wants the 50's binary gender roles to return.  Women wear dresses pearls and gloves; men wear ties, jackets, and wing-tip shoes.  We can look at a person and know exactly what we are seeing.  But this is silly.  We have never had such doggedly defined gender roles in America.  The belief that we could ever "return" to that is wishful thinking.

What would happen if this bishop were to deal with the gender anarchy he finds within himself?  If he could make peace with his own gender ambiguity, then maybe he could deal with the ambiguity in the world.  But instead, he is forcing his psychic struggles on an entire state and all the congregations within the state.  And by trying to force changes on the denomination,  he is, in effect, trying to "infect" the entire denomination with his anxiety.

It is interesting:  Because I am ok with my gender identity, it makes him anxious.  So, instead of dealing with his anxiety, he wants the whole world to become anxious with him.

The Words of the Prophet

In my twelve years of being clergy, I have had to suggest that someone leave the congregation only once.  And from my point of view, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

As briefly as possible:  A woman in one of my former congregations felt that the diocese and the former priest had badly wronged her.  When I started at the congregation, I understood the situation and I agreed with the past actions.  Because I did not jump to her defense, her anger was transferred to me.

She continued to push for me to change things back to the way they were and I continued to resist.  As I resisted, she gathered allies from the congregation and sowed discontent.  She also would avoid coming to worship but would show up for coffee afterwards.

Eventually, I told her that I was not going to change my position and that it may be better to seek a different congregation where she could find a new beginning without all the pain and anger that she was still feeling at her present congregation.  Of course, this went over like a lead balloon.

She did eventually find another congregation and, from what I understand, is doing well there.  But before she left, she proceeded to tell everyone that I was hateful, self-serving, evil, and unqualified to lead a congregation.

Now, why am I telling you this?  This is probably the most profound example when I had to act in a prophetic manner.  I had to say and do things that were not going to be pleasant, but to not say and do them would be even worse.  I could have worked to maintain my “good guy” image, but the only person who would have been served would have been me.  To do what needed to be done, I had to risk the disapproval of many people; in fact, I had to risk the disapproval of the whole congregation.

So often in churches we talk about prophetic messages, but prophetic messages are not necessarily pleasant things to hear or to have directed toward us.  Prophetic messages mean that things we have become quite comfortable with are going to have to change.  And our general response when we first hear prophecy is to become angry with the person speaking the prophecy.  If the person would just go with the flow, everything would be so much better.  If the prophet would stop rocking the boat, we could all sleep soundly at night.  But, usually, the prophet will not be quiet.  The prophet keeps speaking and the people continue to get angry.

This is the situation that we see in the gospel reading for today.  Jesus is speaking to the people.  But the words he spoke were not making the people happy.  But instead of listening to what Jesus was saying, the people kept looking for ways to discredit him.  They brought up that he was just a carpenter.  They brought up that he was “Mary’s son.”  (Note:  They didn’t say, “Joseph’s Son.”  By not mentioning Joseph, they were publicly slamming Jesus’ questionable paternity.)  Then kept coming up with as many things as possible to discredit the message Jesus was speaking.  This is an old trick, if we can discredit the messenger, we don’t have to pay any attention to the message.

But, this says more about the person hearing the message than the person sharing the message.  When we don’t want to hear the message, we will actively look for ways to not have to attend to the message.  But we ignore Christ’s message to our own peril.  We need to remember that the message Jesus speaks is presented for our BENEFIT!  It is not there to make our life difficult; it is there to make our life BETTER.  The difficult thing is putting our ego aside and really LISTENING to the message. 

Thinking back to my situation in the congregation, I wanted what was the best for the congregation and for the woman.  I wasn’t suggesting that she leave just to make my life easier, it actually caused some additional problems of me, but it was suggested to help her.  She was skipping worship services and just coming to fellowship.  Whenever she was at church, she always seemed angry.  Being part of the congregation seemed to be making her life worse.  Although suggesting she go somewhere else seemed quite offensive to her, the hope was that she would continue to grow in her faith.

When Jesus gives a prophecy to us, it may sound offensive; however, we need to have faith, trust the source, and realize that it is given to us in love.  Christ is not trying to make our life worse, but to make it better!  Aside from helping others, when we attend to Jesus prophetic speech, it helps us.  Tithing helps us to keep our finances in perspective.  Helping the poor and sick helps us to appreciate our blessings in life and to appreciate our health.  Doing these things may not be easy, but we become more mature through the process.  We ignore the words of the prophet to our loss!  (You knew that one was coming!)

Of course, this also means that when we go out into the world to spread Christ’s word, we may find the reception to be a little cool.  Asking people to welcome the stranger is likely to be met with resistance.  Telling people to give to help the poor and needy is likely to be met with claims that the poor and needy are that way by their own fault. To be the true prophetic voice of Christ in the world is very likely to make you unpopular in certain sectors of the population.  But there were certain sectors of the population where Christ was not very popular either.  However, just because it may not be the popular thing to do or say does not mean it is not the right thing to do.

Probably the most difficult part of listening to prophecy is knowing which is the true prophet and which is the false prophet.  And here, I do not have any easy answers.  The only thing that I can tell you with assurance is that we need to have faith and trust.  We need to have faith that God will work through us if we just place our trust in him.  We need to have faith that God will be present and can take our activities and use them for the benefit of God’s Kingdom.  But we also need to do something.  We cannot expect to just sit still and have God move our hands like some kind of puppeteer.  If we are willing to move, God will be there to guide our feet and hands.  But if we choose to sit, God will sit there with us; but I believe that God wants us to be out and about in the world.

Prophetic voices are not easy things to deal with.  We really do not want to hear them, and we really don’t want to speak them.  Prophetic voices are risky.  Prophetic voices can make some pretty powerful people angry.  But when the prophetic voice is offered in love, it can change the world.  I think God wants us to be more than we ever dream for ourselves.  I believe God wants us to be the people who speak love and forgiveness to the world.  I believe God wants us to be the people who can change the world!  Pretty incredible, huh?

  

This is Difficult

I went to a job fair last week.  I didn't spend any time talking to the recruiters; I spent all my time working on revamping my resume.  This was difficult.  It made the transition thing that much more real.

Trying to take my preacher experience and make it understandable to the business world is not the easiest thing.  We do a lot that people do not consider.  Also, business look for outcomes which are hard to measure in the church.  Your "average preacher" (whatever that is) has done things from being a CEO to crisis intervention. But so many people just think of clergy as naive and out of touch, a la Fr. Dowling.  Trying to get people to take our skills seriously takes a bit of sleight of hand.

But how do you leave that for which you have trained so long?  It may sound silly, but I kind of knew, from a very early age, that I should be doing things in the church.  And even for all the frustration that I receive, I still feel that I do an adequate job at it.  But the stress and lack of any kind of guidance is just tearing me apart.

When I had written about Cognitive Distortions, some had suggested that I get out and be part of the world. I appreciate the suggestion.  What stops me from really doing things is the lack of money.  I do not get any kind of assistance from the government nor from the governing body of my denomination.  We are living on what Nic makes.  I feel guilty spending money.  I do make some money preaching on Sundays, but with the latest church to turn me down, my preaching opportunities have been quite sparse.  Using money, when I don't have to, makes me feel awkward.

And trying to find a job where we are living seems a bit of a waste too.  We will be moving in the fall and I would like to find something more than just a entry-level thing.  Frankly, I get really bored.  And I am not a lot of fun to be around when I am bored.

Fear of success?  Fear of failure?  Lazy?  Depressed?  Fuck-up?  I don't know.

We're Half Way There!

Happy Annual Semi-Annual Christmas!

Cognitive Distortions

I have decided that one of the worst thing are cognitive distortions.  My present one is that the situation will NEVER get any better.  Now, I know that to use a word like "Never" is the hallmark of a cognitive distortion.  I also know that distortions live on things like, "Always"  "Never," and "The Worst."

And although I know this to be the case, and I know that what I am feeling is more than likely a cognitive distortion, I still feel stuck in the distortion.  I look at my situation and say that it is never going to get any better.  It is difficult to drum up the energy to do anything when deep in your core you know that whatever you do will be futile.

Right now, my cognition is telling me that this is never going to change.  That no matter what I do, I am going to be stuck.  This is a cognitive distortion, but it has taken hold and damned if it is going to let go.  I know on an intellectual level that things have to change, but I do not believe it.

And between lack of job, excessive heat. and creeping depression, I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning.

The Continuing Saga

Hey all!  (Average 12-16 of you!)

Well, church life seems to be becoming a thing of the past.  I found out that another whole state is off the table for me. So it seems that even though there are churches that need clergy, they would rather have no one than to have me.

What I hate is that being gay becomes front and center.  People ask why gay people always want to talk about being gay.  I would like to not have to talk about being gay.  I would like to not have to say, "I am gay, if this is a deal breaker, then we need not go farther."  I would like to be able to talk about my talents and skills, not have people speculate what I do in bed.  I have found to not bring it up is just not an answer because then it looks like I am trying to hide something.  But to name it means that people begin to think that "gay" is my sole definition.

I am going to a job fair on Thursday.  Hopefully I will be able to find a job that will be interesting and fulfilling.  It seems that church is becoming something in the rear view mirror.

I will be checking with one more denomination, but I do not hold out much hope.

Redefining oneself is an arduous process.  I transferred from Roman Catholic to ELCA Lutheran, from Lutheran to Episcopalian, from straight to gay, and now it seems another redefinition is about to occur.

More Setbacks?

I used to hold one of my former congregations out as an example of  unexpected folks being very accepting of Stereotypic Non-Conforming People.  I used to tell how Nic and I have always been accepted into my former congregation by people who were close to 20 years older than me; not the usual group most consider "accepting."  It was always so pleasant going there.  Even if Nic wasn't with me, people would ask how he was doing and send good wishes.  I would even include Nic in my sermons as many clergy will do about their spouses; he is a large part of my life, so, of course, he will show up in the sermons.

But I heard something last weekend that saddened me:  This congregation, who is in need of an on-site clergy, is having difficulty because the clergy in question is gay!  Three people did not want him because he is not heterosexual.  Now this may not sound like a lot, but when you consider that there may be between 7-14 people in the congregation, that is a major portion!  This congregation has been looking for a clergy for three years now and this priest would work there for the amount the congregation had been paying supply clergy.  It sounded like a total "win-win!"  But there are those (who they are, I do not know, nor to I want to know) who do not want this guy because he is gay.

I makes me wonder if these people were just tolerating me.  I am sorry, as it has been said, "we tolerate traffic;" I don't want to be just tolerated.  In the time that I have been there, haven't these people learned anything?

I am stuck in this quandry:  Preaching is a call, we don't do it for the money.  For all the harping I do about it, I still feel like a ship without a rudder.  I am beginning to feel like leading congregations is out of the picture because people cannot get beyond their prejudices.  Even in the face of evidence to the contrary, people will hold so tightly to their failing belief system.

Two congregations that do not want me because I am gay, and one that seemed to be the beacon of hope, still caught in such out-dated frameworks.  It is difficult to not feel frustrated.

The good Dr. Ur-Spo, among others, have told me to just start making glass.  That sounds wonderful short of the fact that the economy is still tanked and I am ok, but I do not consider myself "good."  I still have much to learn before I would feel comfortable making stained glass a profession.

Thus the dilemma I see:  Trying to continue in ministry, knowing that finding a congregation will be neigh on impossible.  Or doing something else, knowing that no matter how hard I try, my heart will not be in it.

[Pity Party]  I feel at the end of a rope.  I am not good at designing structure for myself, and without a job, I just float.  I see news talking about how people are saying outrageous things, but yet no one seems to be holding the people accountable.  I yelled at a guy yesterday for parking with the end of his car sticking out into traffic (on a curve in the road) and was going to leave it sit there.  "Didn't you notice you are blocking the lane?  Didn't you notice that people can't see you until the turn the corner and are right on top of you?!?" I am going quietly or not so quietly insane.  And who wants a certifiable priest? [/Pity Party]

Just what I wanted to hear.

I think most of you know, I have been going through some difficult times lately.  Things just don’t seem to working out lately.  I keep waiting for SOMETHING to happen, and things just seem to keep loping along with nothing really happening.  Nic, in his dear, sweet, loving, way keeps reminding me that “the Israelites roamed in the wilderness for forty years before THEY got to the Promised Land.”  (Did I say he was “dear, sweet, and loving”?)  Arrrgggg!  I don’t want to hear that.  I want something to happen now!

So, I figured I could go to the Bible and I would find something.  I should be able to find something that will cheer me up and give me some inspiration to keep moving forward.  And what do I find?  I find the epistle reading for today.  You know, Paul really is not one to read when feeling down.  He goes on about how he has been thrown in jail.  How he has almost died.  How his life has been, actually, quite messed up since he became a disciple.  That is not the thing I wanted to hear.

Really, when we think about it, Paul seems to be the opposite of what we would want in as a spokesperson for the faith.  Marketing would tell us that we want people to feel good about their faith.  We want people to see their lives fill with good things.  We want people to believe that if they just believe, then their lives will be filled with wealth, health, and material blessings.  There is a whole branch of religion, the Prosperity Movement, that is focused on that frame of thought.  But Paul is just not going to go that way.  He wears his trials like badges of honor.

Now, Paul could become quite tiring if all he did was bemoan how horrible his life was.  He could become one of those people with whom you pretend you got a phone call just so you can get away.  But he doesn’t seem to fall into the pity-party trap.  He doesn’t life his trials up as a means to get people to feel sorry for him.  Quite the contrary!  He lifts up his trials in life as a means of showing the world just how awesome God has been and how God has been at work in his life.

I know you all here have been going through your own time in the Wilderness, and sometimes it must feel like God has abandoned you.  And I will also tell you that what you are feeling is understandable.  But I think we all can benefit from what Paul is saying in the epistle reading. 

This reading is the culmination of Paul’s argument in the book of 2 Corinthians.  He has been talking about how times may seem difficult for the people of Corinth, but that they are not supposed to give up faith.  That they are supposed to look at their past and see how God has helped them out and then use that assurance as a means of moving on into the future.  Paul lists his hardships, not as a means of saying “Look how great I am,” but as a way of saying “Look how great God is!”  He is not saying that God put him into the situations to prove anything, but that God was able to use the situations to show to Paul and to those who would see, that God is able to prevail in the midst of difficulty.

One of the things that I think Paul understood was that, in life, bad things were going to happen.  And if we dwell on the bad things, we can become quite frustrated with life.  But Paul asks us to do more.  Paul asks us to look beyond the bad things and look at how God was at work through those things.  We are to look at how God was present even when things looked beyond repair.

But we are not just supposed to spend our time looking back.  We are supposed to learn from how God was present and use this as a means of seeing us through the trial and challenges we see around us today.  We are supposed to use this knowledge that God will see us through and apply it to those difficulties we are living through now.

And as we can expect from Paul, not only are we supposed to look at how God is at work in our lives, we are supposed to spread that word to the world!  Our faith and our belief is to be the impetus to go out into the world.  Just because things are happening in our lives doesn’t mean we are to hide ourselves away and never share our message with the world.  In the midst of difficulty we are to be about spreading God’s love.

There are some very good reasons for doing this:  The first is that amid all of the strife and division we see in the world, a word of love and acceptance needs to ring over the babble of discord.  Secondly, when people feel lost, they are looking for a place to find safe harbor.  Our words of love can be the rest that many people need so as to find a moment of rest in a chaotic world.  And third, WE need to be out to gain perspective on our problems.  We need to see that in many ways, in the midst of our troubles, we ARE blessed and to open our eyes to those blessings that have moved off our radar.  I didn’t truly appreciate family and friends until I delivered Thanksgiving meals to those who were homeless and alone.

I know I can get caught in the problems of my life.  I am sure you all have difficulties that can bring you down.  And I KNOW that you are struggling as a congregation.  But Paul would have us look back; look back at how God has been present in past struggles in our lives.  To look as see how, even when we weren’t aware of it, God was leading and guiding.  And then to take this assuredness and move it into our present.  To move it into the troubles we see right now.  Paul would assure us that the same God who can break the bonds of sin and death can guide us through the trials of our lives.

Paul would NOT tell us that the problems will just disappear, though.  Jesus DID die.  Christ on the cross was not some sort of parlor trick to fool people.  The pain was real, the death was real.  But the pain and the death were not the end of the story.  That is what we need to be focusing on.  In the midst of the mess of a crucifixion, God was still there.  In the midst of a call process that seems to go on forever, God is still there.  In facing what may look like death, GOD IS STILL THERE!

Finally, Paul would tell us that while all this is going on that we are not to lose heart and that we are to continue to spread the good news of Gods love to the world.  We are to trust in our belief and go out and speak.  Again, this may be one of the hardest parts because when things are not going well, well, that is the last time we want to be out among the people.  But this is our call.

God has been evident in St. Swithin’s before, and God is still here!  It is easy to look at the current situation and decide that God has walked away.  But that is to forget the wondrous ways God has been present in the past and that is to forget that God is still present.  Paul urges us to look at the past as a promise for our future.

How Can Three Individuals Be One Person?

A friend of mine, who happens to be an atheist, made an interesting comment:  While discussing mystery, he said, “Mysteries don't get embraced they get figured out or not!”  He was pretty adamant about this; there was an exclamation point on the sentence. In his world, you either knew things, you figured out things, or you just left them alone.  In his world, there was no place for things to just be.  He was making the mistake that I think many people make.  He was making the mistake of identifying “mystery” with “puzzle.”

I think, quite often, we all do that.  We have come to associate the word “mystery” with the word “puzzle.”  We watch Jessica Fletcher solve a “mystery” in just under one hour.  We read “mystery novels” and know whodunit in around 500 pages.  We have these things that we call “mysteries” and so when we hear the word “mystery,” this is what we expect:  We expect that if we find all the clues, we can come up with an explanation.  But we are wrong.  What Jessica Fletcher and most of the other things we call “mysteries” have in common is that they are not “mysteries” at all, they are puzzles.

A puzzle is something that we figure out.  Puzzles have an answer.  Generally, a puzzle has only one answer and it is our task to figure out what we need to do so we can reach that one answer.  What we generally refer to mysteries are really puzzles; if we can just put the clues together in the proper way, we can figure out who the killer is.  If we can just figure out where to jump in the video game, we can rescue the princess.  If we can just find the Hicks Boson, then we can discover where the entire universe came from.  We may refer to these things as “mysteries” but, in fact, they are puzzles.

Mysteries are a whole different animal.  Mysteries are something that we will never figure out; there will never be one answer to a mystery.  Where a puzzle limits one’s creativity, a mystery calls us deeper and deeper into creativity.  On its simplest level, in a puzzle, we have to put all the pieces together in THE correct manner to see the picture.  Video games may take us another step away, we may have to think of punching the wall to find the secret door; but the puzzle of a video game still does not instill creativity.  I may wish to build a ladder to get over the wall instead of punching a hole through it, but if the game is not set up for that, I cannot do it.  Complex puzzles may look like mysteries, there may seem to be an endless amount of possibilities.  But as long as we have to punch the wall instead of building a ladder, or vise-versa, we are still dealing with a puzzle.

Quite often I think we are like my atheist friend; we want to flatten all things in the world into puzzles.  We want to figure out the words to put into the grid, the wall to punch, the prayers to say, or the specific things to do so we can “figure out life.”  We look at the world around us as one big puzzle to be figured out instead of thinking of life as a big mystery to be lived within and savored.

The problem with seeing life as a puzzle is that it creates a very flat existence; once the puzzle is completed, the game is over.  How many of you have puzzle books sitting around the house with all the words found, and all the boxes filled in?  What good is the puzzle after it is solved?  We may burn the book for heat, but other than that, the book is not much good.  No, once you have solved the puzzle, going back and trying to “re-solve” it contains as much enjoyment as watching ice melt.  That is the downfall of puzzles, only one answer.  That also becomes the downfall of seeing life as a puzzle; the search for the one answer becomes the focus of life.  And in becoming so focused, we lose the view around us.

But as I said, life is NOT a puzzle, it is a mystery!  Every discovery leads us to new questions and new challenges.  Mysteries beg us to move deeper and deeper into our understanding.  Mysteries challenge us to broaden our sense of understanding, to look around us and contemplate.  Mysteries encourage us to build a ladder instead of punching the wall, or maybe even build a helicopter!  Mysteries do not have just one answer, as I said before, mysteries do not have answers!  To be part of a mystery is to be part of a deeper understanding of oneself and one’s world.

Today we celebrate the Holy Trinity.  I really don’t know if mysteries of the church get much bigger than this.  So often I get asked to “explain” the Trinity.  But to try to explain it is to get caught up in thinking of the Trinity as a puzzle to be “figured out” and not to view it as a mystery to be contemplated with awe.  “How can Jesus be God and be the Holy Spirit while being separate from each other?”  I don’t know.  And trying to figure it out and explain it is an invitation to crazy-making.  The Trinity is a mystery we are asked to accept on faith.  And in accepting this mystery, we are asked to search deeper and deeper into what it means to be human, what it means to be People of God, and what it means to be Christian.

Part of the definition of what it means to be God is that God is ineffable; we cannot figure out God.  If we could understand God, then God would not be God.  It is similar to saying if our brains were simple enough to be understood, we would be too simple to understand them.  But we seem to shy away from true mysteries; we like to have things figured out.  And since we cannot understand God, we try to come up with ways to try to explain God, we try to come up with ways to solve the puzzle.  But because God is a mystery, our explanations can never fully engulf the totality of God.  Our explanations satisfy some of our curiosity, but they still leave us searching for more.

So often we turn to the Bible looking for the solutions, but the Bible isn’t a puzzle book, even though so many want to make it into one.  It isn’t even a “mystery,” as society understands it.  The Bible is a truly GREAT mystery.  It invites us in and invites us to plumb its depths.  It asks us questions but is not satisfied with our answers.  One of the things that I love about being a priest is that the answers I may have found in the scriptures three years ago, or six years ago, while still being relevant, now are inadequate as there are even deeper mysteries to explore.  To go back to the video game, six years ago, punching the wall may have made sense, but now building the ladder makes sense too!  And in six more years, who knows?

You have probably heard many attempts at explaining the Trinity.  But trying to explain the Trinity as an apple, or a snowball, or as Love, or as whatever, may make us feel good for a while, but these explanations will always leave us wanting for more.  They will always leave us feeling unsatisfied.  That is the magic of mystery!  One answer opens a whole new world of questions!  What does it mean to have God as Father/Mother/Parent?  What does it mean to have God as Jesus the Son?  What does it mean to have God as Holy Spirit/Advocate/Enlightener?  And what does it mean that these can all exist simultaneously?  We will never know!  But we are asked to contemplate these possibilities and to open our faith to what might yet lie beyond.

How we view the world greatly effects how we approach our faith.  When we see the whole world as a puzzle, what we end up doing is looking for the proper pieces, the proper actions, to make God love us or to make sure we get into heaven.  When we see the world as a puzzle, we look for what will make God do what we want.  When we see life as a puzzle, it is not the journey that is important so much as reaching the conclusion.

But when we open our lives to the enormity of mystery, we are continually amazed by the journey.  We are drawn to seek new insights, new beauty, new life!  We are sent out to be at work in the world.  We are presented with new challenges.  When we open ourselves to the enormity of mystery, we realize the depth of forgiveness we find in the person of Christ, and joy of knowing that this forgiveness frees us to be about working in the world.  When we immerse ourselves in the mystery, we do not need to fear mistakes because we know that the Holy Spirit will be there to guide us if we should have a misstep.  And in the wonder of mystery, what may appear to be a misstep may actually lead to a deeper understanding.

Puzzles and mysteries; what we use as our guide greatly effects our life.  When we look to solve the puzzle of faith, we end up striving to build our own salvation.  But if we open ourselves to mystery of God, we can become part of the wonder that is the Trinity.  Mystery draws us in.  The mystery of the Trinity, the mystery of the incarnations, the mystery of the Eucharist.  These are often stumbling blocks for many people.  But they can also be the call to enter into a deeper relationship with the ineffable.

As we begin the summer season, things can get pretty busy.  But I ask you to let the mystery of the Holy Trinity be your invitation into mystery.  I invite you to take time to contemplate the mysteries of the world, of our God and of each other.

Seven Months

Moving into the Real World

I am becoming more and more convinced that I need to be looking in a different direction.  I really don't feel like the church has a place for me; at least not me with Nik.  Unless I can find an exceedingly liberal congregation, I think I am going to be constantly set up just to get struck down because "others will be uncomfortable."

As I said before, this leaves me in a bit of a predicament:  I haven't used my psych background in almost 14 years.  I have experience but most people are not comfortable attributing clergy with all that we do.  It seems that most people want to keep their Fr. Dowling assumptions about clergy.

What I am afraid is that I will have to go back to school.  I am STILL paying off grad school.  I actually think with the forbearances I have had that I owe more now then I originally borrowed.  But to get anywhere near employable, I am going to need to spiff up my skills.

I hope to find some grants that may help me.  I would like to learn some stuff about computing/graphics.  I have always been intrigued by electronics.  I also would like to learn more about the nexus of art and computing.  It could be cool.

At least I have been able to work on stained glass.

That Awkward Moment...

...when you receive an e-mail from a congregation that will not call you to be their priest, but asks you to supply on Sunday.

Yep, that happened.  The congregation I have been talking about the past week or so sent me a request to supply.  Now, to their credit, the person who does the leg work to get supply priests is not on the call committee.  But you would think that the call committee chair would have informed the supply person.  Oh well.  Yes, it was a bit (BIT??) uncomfortable to send back a message that as of last week, my  supplying for this congregation would not be a good idea.

This whole thing has been odd.  For those of you who do not know how the call process works in a congregation; A person sends information to the congregation.  The call committee looks over the information.  If the call committee feels that the person may be a fit, then they schedule an interview.  Often the interview will also coincide with an "Audition" sermon where the person in question will preside and preach for the congregation.  In the Episcopal church, the decision of who to call is entirely within the hands of the call committee.

I had supplied at this church before submitting my information.  I also was supplying for them while they were considering my information.  They had my information for at least three months before we had an interview.  This makes for an uncomfortable situation within the congregation also.  People had a chance to get to know me and to chat with me.  I would stay for coffee hour and chat with those around.

Many people have stated that they would like me as their priest, to which I would respond, "We will have to see!"

At the risk of sounding conceited, I do feel sorry for the person who is called.  If the congregation really does want me, but the committee has not chosen me, the person who comes in will have at least one obstacle to confront from the very beginning:  That person will have to prove to the congregation that he/she was the better choice.  The person the call committee calls may very well be a better choice, but that is not something that I would want to face upon entering a congregation.

When I applied, I asked the Bishop's office if I should continue to supply for this congregation and I was told that I should.  I don't know if it was just assumed that I would become the Rector there or not.  I now do see how this has become a bit of a mess.

Continued Struggle

Nic and I have talked about my joining his denomination.  That wouldn't be a bad thing, however, it would entail another 1 -2 years of classes, internship, interviews.  I am really tired of what constantly seems to be evaluations of my being.  It seems that I cannot be me; and when I try to be me, I can't find a call.

I spent close to 40 years pretending to be straight (to greater and lesser effect) and now I feel like I have to pretend again.  I don't want to pretend.  I know that there are accepted standards in society, but I am tired of those heaped upon clergy because we are supposed to be "oh so holy."

I think part of the problem of the church today is the "oh so holy" crap.  Who can keep it up?  And then when we mess up, those who have worked harder to deny their being can look down on those who decided to be real, or the world forces to be real.

I don't seem to be able to do anything good enough anymore.  And this may sound like a spoiled "first-world" problem, but I don't know if I could do something like work in a factory or go back to SBUX.  I am afraid I would be sent to jail for assault.  For those who work in factories and the food service industry, I applaud you; but I don't think I can do something like that any more.  I am afraid I would just deck someone or develop a drinking problem.

This is part of the "painted in a corner" predicament I mentioned in the last post.  I know I am pretty bright but I just can't seem to find the proper place where I can be of help.  I see all these things on FB about being "The best You that YOU can be!" And I want to barf.  What if the "Me" I can be is not what the world wants?  I guess I feel like the small-pox virus.

Pair 'O Dig 'em Shift

Thanks for the comments on the past few posts.  I have been feeling down and to know that people are still with me has been helpful.  I am not doing this for attention, in fact, I have contemplated turning off the comments because I do not want to be seen as an attention whore.  But part of the reason for the blog is to work out problems.  So I will be working through things.  Anyone reading may commiserate or feel superior as the case may be.

How does one deal with a paradigm shift when one is living through it?

I don't know if I could ever become an atheist, but I feel agnosticism lurking right around the corner.  It is difficult when the things that you are told to rely on, (God, church community, faith) seem to continually let you down in a best case scenario and are abusive and bullying in a worst case scenario.  When these things that you have been taught to rely on seem to fail, where is one to turn?

Now, I know that I am guessing that the reason I did not receive the last call is because of my being gay.  And not even so much that as my being gay with a husband.  The previous priest was gay, but did not have a partner.  When he wanted to get his groove on, he would go out of town.  But Nic and I would be eating in the restaurants, going to the community events, and maybe even walking down the streets.  I would not bring this up other than the fact that a comment was made about it during the interview.  ("Well, I don't know if the people in town will get used to it.")

If this is the case, this is the second congregation where "oh that is no problem" was actually a problem.  The first congregation used, "We are not homophobic, but other people might not come because they are homophobic" as an excuse.  Again, at this last congregation I was told it would not be a problem, but for the question to come up in the interview means that it is a problem.

I have moved into the realm of not wanting a whole lot to do with the church and not wanting to even hear "God Talk."  It is hard to place over 45 years of indoctrination, and people can trot out Job and Jonah, but I have reached the weary point.  It all sounds empty to me.

The whole thing becomes crazy-making:  Believe!  And when it all falls apart, believe some more!  And then continue to believe!  And when the world smacks you, turn the other cheek and believe!  This has the ear-marks of Self-Defeating Personality Disorder.  (Is that even a diagnosis anymore?  I am too lazy to dig out my books and look.)

So I am in a house that, until recently, held two preachers.  Christian symbolism abounds.  Now to look at it feels like a slap.  There is a part of me that wants to throw clothing out and smash some glass.  But there is another part of me that understands that this could be transitional.

I hate the feeling of being painted into a corner.  It brings up all sorts of three-year-old fears and anxieties.  I just want to latch onto Nic and have him make all the meanies go away.

A Little More Info

Well, as you could tell from my last post, I did not get the call to the church I had been supplying at for the past 5 months.  It kind of feels like a slap in the face.  The people always seemed nice.  They always made it a point of telling me how much they liked my sermons.  I enjoyed chatting with them and they seemed to enjoy chatting with me.  Many have said that they hope I am the person who is called.

This church had sat for almost two years without anyone even applying for the position.  I was told that after I applied, they had gotten another application.  There was a comment about not being able to contact this person to even get an interview.

And yet, I got the "Dear Ben" letter.

I guess I should see this as another opportunity, but it really doesn't feel that way.

What I have to wonder is if this is something that I should even be doing.  Now part of the mythology is that "One is supposed to wait on God."  But the question becomes, "How long?"  When is it a matter of wills:  I want to do the church things so I just keep knocking my head against the same wall.

But, truthfully, I am finding that when I look at the church, I see something in its death throws.  Those who are in it seem to want to keep it as a private club or as some way of showing to themselves that they are better than everyone else.  It has lost its role as the standard bearer for justice in the world.  (Not that it ever had that role.)  I also have been feeling that to be a leader, I have to pretend to be something I am not.

Who knows, maybe I will be more mentally healthy if I can once again claim my "wild child" side.  (Yes, there is one!)

Yes, I think my being turned down was, in part, due to being gay.  Now I am not trying to scream "Wolf."  This church did have a gay priest before, but the man was not partnered.  I think it might be easier for the congregation to accept things when they do not see the priest's husband at church every Sunday, or the priest does not refer to him in a sermon.  IDK, I am just speculating here.  And speculation really does not make anything better.

I just want to put the whole church thing behind me.  I will be paying for the (usless) degree for many years to come.  But if I want to get the loan paid, I will need to find a different line of employment.

(This may be a bit childish, you can always go someplace else.)

I received what may be my last rejection letter from a congregation.  When do I decide that the Church just does not want me?  I seem to be getting plenty of signs.  I am so tired of the whole thing.  I have waited for over a year for something to rear its head, and when something seems to be good, it collapses.  Am I really that bad?  I must be a horrible person.  I look at others, and they have congregations.  Why can't I seem to find one?

Well, I am pretty much pitching it.   I am not sure what I will do, but whatever it is, it is not going to be in a church.  And the church that sent me the rejection letter.  You can wait another 2 years until you find someone. If you find someone at all.

Eight Months

Eight Months 'till Christmas!

Feeling Misanthropic

You know, sometimes life just gets to me.  And quite often, (OFTEN) I have to wonder if we humans really are the apex species.  And maybe it is just the way we make our past seem more rosy than it really was; but people just seemed nicer in the past.  Today we have people with their noses stuck in smart phones and trying to drive at the same time.  No matter how much people are reminded that texting and driving is dangerous, people just don't seem to get it.

I get tired of the church world too.  So often what I see and hear when the word "Christian" is thrown around is anything but Christian.  And what I hate the most is that most "Christians" are unwilling to step up and challenge the pervading stereotypes.  And if I do say something that tries to alter the pervading stereotypes, the response is, "You are clergy, you are supposed to be nice.  Stop making people feel uncomfortable."

I had an interview at a church last Sunday.  It was ok.  I guess I would fell better about it if I felt better about the state of the church.  Frankly, I feel like I am painted into a corner.  I have been away from psychology long enough to be out of the loop.  I am not a good enough stained glass person to make a living at it.  I would prefer moving somewhere south.  (Maybe that is just a desire to run away, IDK.)

So that is the state of being.  I am making a piece of glass for a show that needs to be finished soon!  It is called "Homage to a Rollergirl No. 1."  I will post some pictures when it is completed.

It's been a while

I just realized that I haven't posted anything in a while.

Sorry that the first thing back is a bit of a pitty-party.

I am kind of having the "perfect storm" of  down days.  I am doing the post vacation re-entry.  I am still unemployed.  People, in general, are pissing me off.  I really am losing my faith in the viability of the organized church.  And I really don't know what else I would do if I weren't a clergy being.  And to top it all off, I forgot to take my "happy drugs."

While sitting here, waiting for call things to happen, I keep wondering if the church is worth putting my effort into.  It seems to be filled with people who are just plain mean.  It seems as if the church has forgotten that we are supposed to be followers and emulators of the one who told us to love our neighbor.  We are not supposed to be lording our righteousness over others.  Hell, what righteousness??  The church seems so hell-bent on proving that they are so good because everyone else is so bad.

Then we have people who text and drive.  HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED TO BE TOLD?  Contrary to what your mommy told you, lady in Cadillac SUV, you are NOT that special.  Weaving in lanes, speeding up and then crossing across three lanes because you missed the exit.  If you were paying attention to the road, you wouldn't have had to cut everyone off.

Growl.

Vacation was nice, though.  I like the ocean!