Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Pair 'O Dig 'em Shift

Thanks for the comments on the past few posts.  I have been feeling down and to know that people are still with me has been helpful.  I am not doing this for attention, in fact, I have contemplated turning off the comments because I do not want to be seen as an attention whore.  But part of the reason for the blog is to work out problems.  So I will be working through things.  Anyone reading may commiserate or feel superior as the case may be.

How does one deal with a paradigm shift when one is living through it?

I don't know if I could ever become an atheist, but I feel agnosticism lurking right around the corner.  It is difficult when the things that you are told to rely on, (God, church community, faith) seem to continually let you down in a best case scenario and are abusive and bullying in a worst case scenario.  When these things that you have been taught to rely on seem to fail, where is one to turn?

Now, I know that I am guessing that the reason I did not receive the last call is because of my being gay.  And not even so much that as my being gay with a husband.  The previous priest was gay, but did not have a partner.  When he wanted to get his groove on, he would go out of town.  But Nic and I would be eating in the restaurants, going to the community events, and maybe even walking down the streets.  I would not bring this up other than the fact that a comment was made about it during the interview.  ("Well, I don't know if the people in town will get used to it.")

If this is the case, this is the second congregation where "oh that is no problem" was actually a problem.  The first congregation used, "We are not homophobic, but other people might not come because they are homophobic" as an excuse.  Again, at this last congregation I was told it would not be a problem, but for the question to come up in the interview means that it is a problem.

I have moved into the realm of not wanting a whole lot to do with the church and not wanting to even hear "God Talk."  It is hard to place over 45 years of indoctrination, and people can trot out Job and Jonah, but I have reached the weary point.  It all sounds empty to me.

The whole thing becomes crazy-making:  Believe!  And when it all falls apart, believe some more!  And then continue to believe!  And when the world smacks you, turn the other cheek and believe!  This has the ear-marks of Self-Defeating Personality Disorder.  (Is that even a diagnosis anymore?  I am too lazy to dig out my books and look.)

So I am in a house that, until recently, held two preachers.  Christian symbolism abounds.  Now to look at it feels like a slap.  There is a part of me that wants to throw clothing out and smash some glass.  But there is another part of me that understands that this could be transitional.

I hate the feeling of being painted into a corner.  It brings up all sorts of three-year-old fears and anxieties.  I just want to latch onto Nic and have him make all the meanies go away.

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