Happy Pride Month

Thanks to Kelly for the photo and the Pride Month Challenge! (This will stay at the top of the blog during the month.)

What Are You Giving Your Life For?

This becomes almost a yearly sort of thing. Last year it was the PSP, now it is the iPhone. People have been waiting since Monday to get one of these stupid things.

What is so important that you would give 5 days of your life for?

If you asked these people why they don't go to church, they would probably tell you that they are "too busy."

I was actually told by some people that they woudn't come in for pre-marital counseling because they were just too busy, but these people would probably be the same ones who would sit in line.

Do people do this because others will think they are cool? Is this how we achieve alpha status in our society? If someone flashed me their iPhone and told me that they waited five days for it, I would not consider them to be Alpha, I would tell them that they were crazy!

[rant] I love the way HSBC has American operators when they are trying to get money from you but when you have a question of them, they send you to Mumbai! Arrgggg!!!![/rant]

Sorry to anyone who reads this who is in Mumbai, but I hate trying to discuss fiances with someone I can't understand. If I were not upset, I may be able to understand, but when talking to HSBC, I always seem to be upset. Maybe they can hire me and then I could pay them!!

Late Night Thoughts

Well, I am awake again. Nick is asleep and that is a good thing. But my mind is just whirling.

Two nights ago I was awake too, but I was in a whole different place. Two nights ago I was having one of those "Long dark tea times of the soul." I was scared, depressed, and despairing. I was upset because I was going to lose my house. I was upset because it seems that no call is ever going to come through. I was depressed because my life seems in a shambles. I was sad because I am putting additional pressure on Nick by not having a job and not being in a good mental space. I didn't post anything of substance here because I didn't want to sound like all I ever do is whine.

Part of my problem is the call in San Francisco that I was very excited about I didn't get. That would have been bad enough, but I was told that they didn't even get my information. That would have been bad enough but I called to make sure they did get my information and was told that they had it. So somewhere along the line in SF someone screwed up. But, me being me, I took it as proof that I would never find a call.

I have a wonderful shrink who knows just how to kick me so I get moving!

So I am moving again and I am in a better place. I am still sad at having to lose my house. Even if I could come up with the money to get it out of foreclosure, I would still be paying big bucks on the mortgage and would not be able to refinance due to my now lovely credit score. And I am still angry at the Lutherans for their hypocrisy: don't say you are open to all people when you are not.

Nick and I are planning on going to Iowa. Nick gets to Meet the Parents! Actually, it shouldn't be too bad. Really, not bad at all. My folks are pretty laid back. We are delivering the Christmas present. It is cheaper to drive it there than to send it.

In thinking of returning, I was thinking about how a place has an effect on people. Now I don't know about people who grew up in big cities or in flat areas, but I grew up in a small, VERY hilly, city along the Mississippi. And I really do miss the hills when I am away for too long. I am excited to show Nick the places of my youth.

25 Years Ago Today

Twenty-five years ago today, Blade Runner was released. It ranks up there as one of my favorite movies. If you haven't seen it, do! It is great!

Mom and Dad's Christmas Present

Well, I guess I am late for last year's Christmas present. I made this window to go in their bathroom. I had intended to have this be just for last Christmas, but with what went into this thing, it is going to be early for this Christmas also. I made it because I thought it would save some money: WRONG! Oh, the dimensions are 29 in x 26 in.

Happy Annual Semi-Annual Christmas

When I was in high school, I decided that my friends and I would have perferred to spend Christmas with each other but were stuck spending it with our families. So I started having the Annual Semi-Annual Christmas Party on June 24th. I would put up the tree and make cookies and egg nog. Everyone had to bring a gag gift and Santa (me) would show up in a Hawiian Shirt and shorts. (Sorry folks! No chains!)

I would call it the last Christmas Party of the previous year or the first of the next. Also, it seemed like the only way to have a party before Hallmark put out its ornaments.

The party has been held in the woods and at bars. It has slowed down some since I have grown senile, oops, I mean older.

But Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

The 4th On A Budget

New & Used Fireworks?

Nick and I saw this today while we were out in the Higgins Lake/Houghton Lake area. We thought it was quite funny. We had to drive back to take a picture of it. Nick distracted the woman who owned the place and I clicked the picture.

This is Cool!

This is cool! I saw it over at Paradoxy. What is amazing is all 21 dancers are deaf. Thanks Eugene!

Funny Association

To help keep the wolf away from the door, I decided to add some ads to my blog. (PLEASE click on them! Each click shoos the wolf farther and farther away!) The ads try to associate with things that are on the blog.

I saw that there was an ad about circumcision. I was wondering how a circumcision ad would appear on my blog. Then I realized I had posted about penile mutilation. Hummm.... Maybe these algorithms are smarter than we think!

Pieces of Eight

No, not the song by Styx (that is probably showing my age!). I have been tagged by fellow Lansingite, Wayne, over at Wayne's World.

The Rules:List 8 things about yourself. At the end of the post, tag and link to 8 other people. Leave a comment at those sites, letting them know they’ve been tagged, and asking them to come read the post so they know what to do.

1. I have three tattoos.
2. I am a Frank Lloyd Wright junkie.
3. If someone gave me a Harley-Davidson, I would sell it and buy a real motorcycle.
4. Directions are over-rated.
5. As a kid, I was a state hula-hoop finalist.
6. Although I am a Christian, most Christians annoy me.
7. Life is too short to drink Budweiser.
8. I can't function in an overly "neat" environment.

Well, there you have it!

Now comes the TAG part!

(Drumroll)

Nick
Lemuel
Ur-Spo
Steve
Doug
TigerYogi
Joe
Bunny Lynn Boofay

Ok, Rant Time!

I have been reading some chat sites and I have to ask, why type "wuz" when "was" is just as easy? And why type "gurl" when "girl" has the same amount of letters? I find some post by the younger kids to be just so hard to read!

"The Book: Painful Flashback"

Note: This may not be one people are comfortable with. If you do not like to hear about various body mutilations, please skip this post.


I am going to jump back in time a bit here. It is part of the process and not something that I am really proud of. I could leave it out, but I think, actually I know, that I am not the only one who has gone through this. Actually, I am better off than most, I made it through the situation uninjured, but others are not so lucky.
What I am talking about is a hatred for my penis. As I type this, it sounds kind of silly, how could someone hate his penis? But I did hate it. Well actually, I think I more hated what it represented. My penis represented my struggle. I believed that if I did not have my penis, I would not have the desire to be with men. No penis = No sex. Pretty straight forward.
I became obsessed with ways to mutilate my penis. I began searching the internet for sites dealing with penile piercing, penile tattooing, and yes, even penile mutilation. This “thing” that was attached to my body I believed was the cause of all my anger, frustration, and pain. If I didn’t have it things wouldn’t be so bad. I wanted to remove it so I wouldn’t have these “nasty” desires. Somehow I made the faulty assumption that if the penis was gone or mutilated, I would not have any sexual desire. And at this point, that was what I wanted, no sexual desire at all.
I wanted no sexual desire because I could not have sexual desire without having desire for men. I did not feel guilty about masturbation, but I did feel guilty about masturbating while thinking of men. With no sexual desire, I would not have to deal with the guilt of feeling things that I knew were not bad but I still felt were sinful in my heart.
This is the legacy of the fundamentalist thought. You are told that what you are feeling is wrong and that to respond to what you are feeling is sinful. But you are never given anything other than “pray the gay away” to deal with it. Then if the feelings don’t go away, you are not given any out. If the gay doesn’t go away, then you either did not pray hard enough or God doesn’t love you. Now, the people who believe that homosexuality is a choice will say that God never stops loving you, but they act as if being gay must be a sign of some greater moral failing.
So what should I think if I pray for the right woman and none shows up? What should I think when I pray for the “evil thoughts” to be bound and banished by Jesus but they are still there? I think you can see how this could lead a person to atheism, and I have moved in that direction on many occasions.Even without being in an ex-gay program, I can see that I have been wounded by the ex-gay rhetoric. I could probably be considered “collateral damage” to the whole Exodus movement. I so wanted to believe what they were saying because not to believe left me without a God. I wanted to make the feelings go away and was about to physically alter my penis to accomplish this.

Pride Grand Rapids

The Presenting of the Colors

And "Yes" Dr. Dobson, we love our families too!

And it was also nice of our fundimentalist brothers to come and share the day with us!!

I wonder if they have shirts that say, "I hasseled the faggots at Pride and all I got was this T-Shirt"?

Steve Speaks

Steve over at Rainbow Flag In Narnia has a great post concerning homosexuality and Christianity. A great read here.

Product Placement

Imagine my surprise when I went to play Poppit on Pogo and I was greeted by KOTEX! Even if I were a Happy Hetero that would have grossed me out. If you look really close, you will see little Kotex boxes at the bottom of the screen. In Poppit, you pop balloons and drop "prizes" for points. Well, isn't it wonderful that some of the prizes are little boxes of Kotex. I wonder if there are little pads inside the littel boxes.

Maybe they should have just made all the balloons red?

Lakisha in Lansing

Lakisha Jones was honored on the steps of the state capital yesterday. Here is a bit of her ceremoney.

Whirlwind of the Mind

This is the second Monday where my mental state has not been so good. I go from being ok, to being angry, to feeling abandoned, to feeling a deep sense of resignation.

In two months I will be out of the ELCA for a year. I never thought I would still be unemployed at this point. I don't know if I even want to be associated with the church, any church, anymore. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of waiting and sending my info to churches. I am tired of feeling like a square peg.

I feel sorry for Nick. He is working at a job that he doesn't like and then he gets to come home to me being all psycho. Besides, we are going to have to start thinking about moving because we lose the house in September. And as of now, it doesn't look like anything is going to happen.

I have seven weeks of unemployment left. And being this down and out really makes me employable. I don't know what to do. I want it to be over.

The mind does weird things late at night. I wonder if more suicides happen at night? I haven't heard from any of my colleagues. It is as if I have never existed.

I looked back and realized a year ago today I came out to my parents. Happy Anniversary, I guess. My mom does ask how Nick is when she calls, that is nice.

Sorry for the pity party, but sometimes the feeling of being "damaged goods" is hard to shake.

Huh?

(click on picture to see it better)

This isn't Photoshopped nor is it a trick of photographing at the right angle. There really was an open house at St. Joseph cemetary on Memorial Day weekend. I was wondering if they were going to dig people up or what.

Sunday

Hi Everyone!
Well, it is Sunday evening and I am beat! I worked on Friday which entailed getting up at 4:30 am. Now, some of you may be thinking, "Poor Baby." But I tell you, having to get up intermittently at 4:30 am really messes up your internal clock! I am still feeling like I need to make up for the loss of sleep.

I had a supply preaching gig today. It went well. I actually like preaching at this congregation. I preached at the congregation that I usually attend last week and it was a disaster. The congregation where I usually worship has a very "high church" rector. I am not really a "high church" kind of guy. Last week, I felt like a complete fool as I was not sure of the "high church" style and the assistants were not very helpful. Today, the assistants were kind and helpful. They did not act as if I was a fool. It was just a nicer experience.

Afterward, Nick and I went looking at houses on the Parade of Homes. I was upset because the houses didn't move. And there was no bands. Bummer...

Actually, the houses were fairly ho-hum. Of course, I must admit that I am kind of an architecture geek. I especially love the Craftsman style and the Prairie style. There were no Prairie homes, but that wasn't unexpected. But there was a great revisioning of a Craftsman (It is the house pictured at the beginning of the post). It was the last house that we visited. Coffered Ceilings, Greene & Greene inspired staircase, craftsman windows and fireplaces. It was gorgeous. (The realtor was pretty cute too!) Unfortunately, the price was a bit (ha!) prohibitive. Anybody got $550,000 to donate to an architecture fan?

There were two others that were cool. One was a French Provincial on a man-made lake. It had some great views and a great yard. It also had a lot of great details but had a hand rail that came off. Now, at over $600,000, you would expect the hand rail to work.

The other was a rustic, lodge-like house. It had a small patch of woods behind it so you got this great view of the trees from the windows.

Both of these houses are only a couple of blocks apart from each other. Nick and I joked we should buy both houses then we can spend time at the "Lake House" or at the "Cabin in the Woods."

Oh to dream...

Spank a Wife for Jesus?

Just when I thought I had seen it all, I come across this website. "Loving wife spanking in a Christian Marriage" ??? Please tell me it is a joke! When fundamentalist want to talk about how "depraved" the "Gay Agenda" is, just send them to this site.

Some Evening Thoughts

Nick is trying to sleep and I am not feeling very sleepy so I decided I would try to write something.

Some times it just knocks me over that this house is not going to be mine in a few months. Soon it will belong to the bank and I will be left with nothing to show for it except a bad credit rating. I look out of my window at the quiet neighborhood and it really makes me sad.

I supply preached today. I don't know if I will ever get used to the Episcopal "hand jive." So much of it seems like an attempt to control God. If the flagon is on the corpral, then it is consecrated, if not, then it is just wine. Better not get it too close!! Sometimes it seems like we just get so caught up in the little details and we forget the big issues that face us. Why can't we just get it into our heard that God loves us, just as we are? Why do we feel the need to have to tell others that God doesn't love them? It is so unChristian if you ask me.

I always feel like I am bordering on the edge of insanity. I just about went postal on the job last week and decided that it was better for me not to be working it. Getting up at 4:30 am for an $8 per hour job is not worth it. And then to have the exec tell us that we had to stand on the concrete floor for eight hours while visually inspecting plastic lenses (thousands of them, literally!) without having a pad to stand on was too much. When I almost barged into his office to tell him that he could bring his ass out of his office and stand for eight hours for $8 per hour, I knew that I was going over the edge. Lets fave it, visual inspection of lenses does not give you much to think about so, in my case, my mind went nutzo.

Sorry it seems like all I do is complain. Lately there doesn't seem like a lot to be happy about.

Happy Thought of the Day

Pets are wonderful because you don't have to dust them.