This is the second Monday where my mental state has not been so good. I go from being ok, to being angry, to feeling abandoned, to feeling a deep sense of resignation.
In two months I will be out of the ELCA for a year. I never thought I would still be unemployed at this point. I don't know if I even want to be associated with the church, any church, anymore. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of waiting and sending my info to churches. I am tired of feeling like a square peg.
I feel sorry for Nick. He is working at a job that he doesn't like and then he gets to come home to me being all psycho. Besides, we are going to have to start thinking about moving because we lose the house in September. And as of now, it doesn't look like anything is going to happen.
I have seven weeks of unemployment left. And being this down and out really makes me employable. I don't know what to do. I want it to be over.
The mind does weird things late at night. I wonder if more suicides happen at night? I haven't heard from any of my colleagues. It is as if I have never existed.
I looked back and realized a year ago today I came out to my parents. Happy Anniversary, I guess. My mom does ask how Nick is when she calls, that is nice.
Sorry for the pity party, but sometimes the feeling of being "damaged goods" is hard to shake.