Monday, June 11, 2007

Whirlwind of the Mind

This is the second Monday where my mental state has not been so good. I go from being ok, to being angry, to feeling abandoned, to feeling a deep sense of resignation.

In two months I will be out of the ELCA for a year. I never thought I would still be unemployed at this point. I don't know if I even want to be associated with the church, any church, anymore. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of waiting and sending my info to churches. I am tired of feeling like a square peg.

I feel sorry for Nick. He is working at a job that he doesn't like and then he gets to come home to me being all psycho. Besides, we are going to have to start thinking about moving because we lose the house in September. And as of now, it doesn't look like anything is going to happen.

I have seven weeks of unemployment left. And being this down and out really makes me employable. I don't know what to do. I want it to be over.

The mind does weird things late at night. I wonder if more suicides happen at night? I haven't heard from any of my colleagues. It is as if I have never existed.

I looked back and realized a year ago today I came out to my parents. Happy Anniversary, I guess. My mom does ask how Nick is when she calls, that is nice.

Sorry for the pity party, but sometimes the feeling of being "damaged goods" is hard to shake.


Ur-spo said...

nevertheless, hang in there.
I heard something to today; do you know how to make God laugh? tell Him your plans.

Doug Taron said...

Hang in there, Ben. I wish there was something more productive I could offer. Know that I am thinking of you.

Steve F. said...

Hey, Ben, drop me a line on the side, will you? steve1290 at gmail dot com. I have the chance to head up in your direction, and thought I might stop in, or at least meet somewhere nearby...

And yes, I'd say the majority of suicides I've known of happened late at night, if not all of them. There's a reason they call it "the hour of the wolf," because it seems like the SOB is sitting right at the door...

Hugs across the miles...

A Bear in the Woods said...

About two years ago, I was in almost exactly the same circumstances, except I didn't(and still don't) have a partner.
Out of ministry, out of a job, really bad health problems, despair in the night, even down to thinking of myself as "damaged goods".
I landed a job, literally, on the day my unemployment ran out. It's not great, but it's a job, and I can live.
I have the same very ambiguous feelings about the church, as my theology has gone waay out of the box, doctinally.
Hang in there, buddy.

Wayne said...

These are all good comments. And no, most suicides don't happen at night. Sadly, I've lost 2 friends to that disease. Both during the daylight hours.
Stay strong..........