Well, I am awake again. Nick is asleep and that is a good thing. But my mind is just whirling.
Two nights ago I was awake too, but I was in a whole different place. Two nights ago I was having one of those "Long dark tea times of the soul." I was scared, depressed, and despairing. I was upset because I was going to lose my house. I was upset because it seems that no call is ever going to come through. I was depressed because my life seems in a shambles. I was sad because I am putting additional pressure on Nick by not having a job and not being in a good mental space. I didn't post anything of substance here because I didn't want to sound like all I ever do is whine.
Part of my problem is the call in San Francisco that I was very excited about I didn't get. That would have been bad enough, but I was told that they didn't even get my information. That would have been bad enough but I called to make sure they did get my information and was told that they had it. So somewhere along the line in SF someone screwed up. But, me being me, I took it as proof that I would never find a call.
I have a wonderful shrink who knows just how to kick me so I get moving!
So I am moving again and I am in a better place. I am still sad at having to lose my house. Even if I could come up with the money to get it out of foreclosure, I would still be paying big bucks on the mortgage and would not be able to refinance due to my now lovely credit score. And I am still angry at the Lutherans for their hypocrisy: don't say you are open to all people when you are not.
Nick and I are planning on going to Iowa. Nick gets to Meet the Parents! Actually, it shouldn't be too bad. Really, not bad at all. My folks are pretty laid back. We are delivering the Christmas present. It is cheaper to drive it there than to send it.
In thinking of returning, I was thinking about how a place has an effect on people. Now I don't know about people who grew up in big cities or in flat areas, but I grew up in a small, VERY hilly, city along the Mississippi. And I really do miss the hills when I am away for too long. I am excited to show Nick the places of my youth.
Allow the time of going home to also be a time of renewal and rebirth. May the trip to deliver the present be one that renews your hope and confidence.
You are such a sweetheart; it's no wonder I am happily in love with you! It will all work out and there is something else in store for us. When it breaks out all we will be able to do is to hang on and enjoy the ride - together.
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