I am such a dork!

I was feeling kind of bummed when I got the letter from the IRS yesterday. So I gave Nick a call and he agreed to meet me about half-way for dinner. We had met at the Big Boy before so Nick chose the restaurant, knowing I was not in a mood to make a choice.

While traveling there, I saw a billboard for the Ionia Free Fair, THE LARGEST FREE FAIR IN THE WORLD!
We had a great time. I love whole "fair" thing. It was fun being yelled at by carneys, checking out the exhibits (and the exhibitors!), and even going to the freak show! Nick didn't seem as into the freak show as I was. I loved the whole theatre of the thing! It was great.

Well, it was getting late and I had a long drive ahead of me to get back home so I could be up for the men's Bible study this morning. So I dropped Nick off at his car and headed home myself. I got home and went to bed.

My alarm went off at 6:30 am and I roused myself out of bed. Went to the church and got ready for the Bible study. And waited. And waited. No one was showing. I panicked a little, maybe people were not coming because of the letter. But then it dawned on me: the Bible study is on the first and third Saturdays of the month. THIS WAS THE FIFTH SATURDAY OF THE MONTH! I didn't need to be rushing all around. I could have tucked Nick in last night! What a dork!

Oh well, I will be finding a cool place to work on paperwork today.

Hope your day is less dorkey!

God made it so!

Here is a great argument concerning the gay marriage. Here is another viewpoint.

Curiouser and Curiouser

Well, heaven forbid things get a little relaxed. I just got a letter from the IRS, no, not an audit, but an addition of almost $2000 in taxes. Yeah, right. Like I have that kind of money.

Oh, I went to Monster House. I was highly underwhelmed.

"How are you doing?"

I feel a little ashamed to say that I am becoming tired of this question. But I also remind myself that every person who asks is asking out of love and concern.

What is interesting is that I am actually doing quite well. Many of the difficult moments are over. Many of the painful times have passed in the writing of the letter and in making all the choices of leaving the ELCA and people to come out to. I have struggled, often with just Nick to keep me sane. So at this point, I am very content with my station in life. However, for other people, this is something new.

In some cases, this may really be the first time these people have really known someone who was gay. I think in some cases, stereotypes need to change. I don't mind being the element of change.

I just hope people feel open enough to me to ask the questions they need to ask. I hope people will be able to ask the questions that they have wondered and didn't know where to go. If I can do that, then I will be pleased. Also, answering questions solidifies my self-understanding as being a gay man.

THE LETTER

Dear Sisters and Brothers in Christ,

Three years ago, I was called to be your pastor. I came among you both excited and scared. I was excited because I saw in this congregation a commitment to God and a commitment to serve. I was excited to be beginning a new ministry in a setting where God seemed to be so present. I also was scared because of my previous experiences in the congregation. My previous call had left me wounded and cautious. I am pleased to say that I did in fact find a Spirit filled, nurturing congregation where my wounds could heal.

With all of you, I also found a congregation that challenged me to become more than I could ever hope. I found a congregation that pushed me to learn more about myself and pushed me to learn more about my theology. Many insightful and probing questions moved me to take a look at myself and my ministry. This push to growth has opened doors for me that I never knew existed. However, it is because of this growth that I am informing you of my resignation from you as a congregation and from the roster of the ELCA. This resignation will become effective August 14th, 2006.

I am not leaving the ministry, but I am moving from the ELCA to the Episcopal Church USA. The reason for this move is that through growth and personal insight, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot live in acceptance of some aspects of ELCA theology and politics. I especially have difficulty with "Section III: Sexual Conduct" of the document entitled Visions and Expectations. (The part that is especially difficult is the sentence that reads, "Ordained ministers who are homosexual in their self-understanding are expected to abstain from homosexual sexual relationships.)

When I arrived among you three years ago, this letter was the last thing I ever though I would be writing. However, in the process of healing from my previous call, the wound of my "aloneness" come to the fore. Even as the ELCA has been publicly wrestling with the issue of sexual orientation, I have been on a private journey of my own. It has been scary and confusing, but it has also been filled with joy and contentment. Where in the past I have felt like a shattered and fragmented person living a lie, I now feel whole, healthy, and truthful.

It makes me sad that finding such wholeness and happiness in my life means that I will no longer be able to serve you as your pastor. But as the policy of the ELCA currently stands, there is no other option. For me to remain truthful to myself and to serve the Church, I will be transferring my credentials to the Episcopal Church.

I am deeply sorry for any difficulty or hurt this may cause. To hurt you was never my intent. I have deep love and respect for all of you. The timing of my leaving was chosen so as to cause as little disruption of congregational life as possible.

It is my prayer that the Holy Spirit strengthen and guide you during this time of transition. I also ask you to keep me in your prayers as I face a future that is unclear. Storms may for in our lives, but we can trust in our Savior!

Anniversary

Actually, the anniversary was last week but I didn't really think much about it. I had been thinking too much about "THE LETTER." (I will post the letter as soon as I have the file and the computer in the same place!)

I have been gay for a year.

A year before, I was not gay, I was a straight guy who just like looking at gay porn. Really, I was into women! YES I WAS! REALLY! I only looked at gay porn because I wanted to know if my penis was as big as others. REALLY! I liked straight porn as long as there was a well hung guy in it. But I was REALLY paying attention to the woman. (yeah, right.)

Yes, a year ago I realized that I wasn't fooling anyone so why should I be trying to fool myself. I finally came to the point of looking into the mirror and saying, "Ben, you are gay. You want to have sex with men. You really do not want to be with women."

At this point, I was not a virgin, but I was not overly sexually experienced. And I had never had sex with a man. I had never kissed a man nor touched a man in a sexual way. I had thought about it, but it never happened. I thought, as long as I didn't do anything like that, I was not gay.

So I came to the conclusion that I was gay, but then I was still stuck because I was a pastor of the ELCA. And part of being a pastor meant being subject to Visions and Expectations. Specifically, I was subject to page 13 which states

Ordained ministers who are homosexual in their self-understanding are expected to abstain from homosexual sexual relationships.

So I was trying to find out what it was like to be gay but I was also trying to remain celebate because of what I had agreed to.

Of course, during this time, I was "abstain[ing] from homosexual sexual relationships" in the letter of the law, but not in the spirit of the law. I had been alone for 40 years. I now had given permission to myself to not only look at gay porn but to enjoy gay porn. As long as I wasn't in a "homosexual sexual relationship" I thought I was ok. But I felt angry and dirty. I felt angry that I was reduced to "one handed typing" (which if you knew my keyboard, you would understand how difficult that is)to try to take care of my needs.

Nick kept telling me that I needed to come to grips with this. I was breaking "page 13" by jacking off to internet porn just as much as if I were sleeping with men.

That was the start of my journey. Just a year ago. Wow. Now my whole congregation knows. Time changes everything.

So what now?

Steve and Warren at North Woods Guys asked me what is next now that my days are severely numbered. My smart a** answer was, "Now I head to get food stamps!" But the North Woods Guys have been good internet friends so I don't want to be a smart a**.

I am hoping to do some supply preaching either in the ELCA or the ECUSA. I also have some experience in psychology and developmental disabilities. I hope to do some temp services. The local community mental health is looking for per hour therapists. I am trusting in God on this one.

The blue pews are winning! People have been so kind and helpful. I have gotten so much support. People have been telling me that they are angry that I have to leave because of that rule and if there is anything I need, all I need to do is ask.

May I please...

Check this out!

Gay Boyfriend

Blue Pews, Red Pews

Well, the results are starting to come in. As expected, the early results are showing that the Blue Pews are out in front. One person when leaving the polls was heard to say, "Stupid rule." Others have invited Ben and Nick over for dinner.

Of course, I was not expecting to hear from the red pews, at least not this soon after THE LETTER. It will be interesting to see who shows up for worship this Sunday.

I am happy to say that not only have people been giving me their support, they also have been worried about how I have been doing and if I am ok.

I am really going to miss these people.

Oh my achin'...

I think backs are proof that we are evolved creatures instead of creatures of special creation. If we are special creations, then either we are doing something wrong in regards to our backs of God really doesn't like us. Or maybe backs are God's way or punishing us. I don't know.

If you haven't guessed, my back still hurts. I guess I will just keep on keeping on 'cause it is too nice to sit around.

"THE LETTER" should hit peoples' mailboxes today. Now the fun should begin. Le Sigh.

The Harvest is Plentiful...

There are some really great blogs out there! Check this out!

Home for a while

Well, I have time to finally write.

Camp was going ok. We went to the dunes and had a good time. We went to the local lighthouse. Things were going well. Then I woke up on Thursday morning with a raging backache. I could hardly move. I went to the local Y to soak in the hottub and then went to a friends house to float in the pool. That helped, but as soon as I got out of the pool, I was in pain again.

I then went to a kinesiologist who seemed to help somewhat but I also took some mega pain killers which helped too.

The next morning, I thought I was going to die. So I drove two pain-filled hours to go to my chiropractor. It helped!

Later that day, Nick came over and we ate dinner and watched TV. I was in too much pain for much else.

This morning, I was feeling better, so Nick and I went to the Ann Arbor Art Fair. I know, I probably shouldn't have gone, I should have rested. But the fair was great. There was a lot of art to look at but not much eye candy. As Nick said, an art fair in Ann Arbor should have brought out all the gay couples from a three state region!

Now I am in pain. I am hoping to be good enough to make it through church tomorrow. I don't have to do much except lead and do a children's sermon.

Tomorrow will also be the last "Normal Sunday" since the resignation letter was dropped in the mail box today. It should be hitting peoples' mail boxes on Monday. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. One thing I am hoping is that the responses I have been getting have been good. I pray that continues.

Hope you are having a great day!

I'm Back!

Well, I am back from camp but my back is not. I should explain: I am at home but my back got messed up by sleeping on the ground and now I can't really move. I just kind of hobbled around and then went to some new-age kind of healer because he was near. He really didn't do anything because the next morning I couldn't move. So I drove back home to see my chiropractor before he went on vacation.

I love the new Sonic Drive-In ad. They are talking about their brownie sundae. The mental giants talk about "warm hot fudge." If it is "hot fudge" shouldn't it be hot? If it is warm, shouldn't it be "warm fudge?" That is "somewhat unique."

I was thinking about how we people seem to be the sum of our stories. When we gather, we tell our stories. We share what has happened to us. Blogs are similar only we are not face to face.

The resignation letter is going out today. I guess that means this will be the last "normal" Sunday where I am right now. I hope things go well. People have been great in the past, I hope that continues into the future.

Another day at camp

Hi everyone. Still at camp but doing better. The storms have passed and the weather has cooled and it is really gotten magnificent. We are going to the dunes today and that is usually a good time. The problem is when you climb a dune and then realize that you have to climb back because a storm is coming. Oh well. A little abbreviated this morning because I have to greet the kids for breakfast.

Check out this from the North Woods Guys! 

A Strange and Perverse Pleasure...

No! Not that. It is the feeling of flushing a bunch of bugs to a watery grave as they innocently sit in the sink at camp. I don't know why I like it, but I do! I should be all about "live and let live" but banishing all those bugs to the septic tank is kind of uplifting.

Yes, I am at camp and it actually has been pretty good. Although it has been hot, there has been a breeze (actually a wind) off the lake that has kept things cool. Last night a storm blew through and knocked trees over and blew screens off the house. I was sleeping in a tent, but all my stuff got damp from the aerosol water in the high winds. So I slept (?) in the house until about 1:30 am when I went down stairs and slept on a couch to escape the snoring. I think I may have been better off chancing the elements!;-)

Haven't really though too much about the resignation letter going out on Monday. If I do it tends to bog me down so I have tried to just shove it to the back of my mind.

Today we are going climbing dunes and doing high-ropes. It should be fun!

This post is brought to you by the letter "Q" and the number 9 from the porch of the camp office, just off Lake Michigan.

Hope you are all having a great day!

Problems of Technology

I really like the blog format. I think it is cool that we can read peoples' thoughts and we can comment if we choose. I also appreciate on-line forums. (I know, the plural of forum is fora but that just sounds weird.) I like being able to exchange ideas with others around the globe.

But what I have found out about on-line things: I need to be more careful of what I type. We don't get voice inflection when we type so sometimes things and we can't see the person's face. So we often attribute the wrong thing to what is typed.

What I wonder is why we seem to place the worst spin on what the person typed? Wouldn't it just be easier to assume that the person was being nice?

But also, I think we may feel more liberty to be mean to people on-line. We don't know the person, we can't see the person, we don't see the effect of our comments. So maybe we feel more freedom to be snide. I don't know.

I do know that I need to be more explicit when I write something. I need to be sure that I am saying what I want and not make too big of an assumption about what I type.

Back out again

I will be at camp this week. This is the last of the "being gone" things this summer. I will be with seven kids but mostly they are with their counselors so I just get to hang out. Unfortunately, it is supposed to be in the 90's all week. Oh well.

I met with the president of the congregation, the chair of the council, and the chair of the mutual ministry committee. We discussed my leaving and they were all very supportive. They have also decided to give me two weeks of "vacation" so I will get a paycheck through the end of August. That was kind of them. I have just been so blessed with people who are helpful and understanding. I hope this continues. The letter to the congregation will be going out a week from Monday.

Nick knows someone who will let us use a cabin up north for a week. That sounds so good!

What is it with the shorts?

Now I could be considered a rather casual person. I had to go out and buy a suit before I did a wedding. I love to wear Birkenstocks and even wear them into the office. I like shorts as much as then next one, but there is one thing I would never do: I WOULD NEVER WEAR SHORTS TO A FUNERAL! Especially if I were one of the pallbearers.

We had a funeral today and two of the men there were in shorts. (They weren't even cute!) Granted it was hot today, but I think you should be able to bear wearing pants for the time of a funeral. I don't know, maybe I am just old fashioned but it would seem like the respectful thing to do.

The Hunger Site

This is a good thing! Just click here once a day. They really do give to the poor and hungry.