Monday, November 17, 2008
I have finally been able to place my finger on why this whole thing of two days ago would not leave me. It is one of those "deep seated" things that goes back many, many years.
The feeling is like the feeling of when I was a kid and I was being taunted by a neighbor. I tried to not give in, but the taunting was relentless. I finally was provoked to lash out at the kid. But all the neighbor did was laugh. As I tried to make the pain stop, it just continued. And worse, my efforts to stop the pain just caused the pain to increase.
That whole combination of feeling pain, feeling defenseless, and feeling like anything you did to relieve the pain was just going to make the pain worse is totally crazy-making.
My sister was also an expert at this skill. She would taunt me and then laugh. I would feel as if my pain was, if not unfounded, then over stated. That feeling of helplessness is devastating.