A few posts back, I was talking about my frustration at this whole process and how I was questioning whether to continue as a pastor or not. An anonymous comment stated,
Until you have your life figured out, you have no right to guide othersI had to think about that.
I can see how some may think that, but I would have to disagree.
Do any of us really have our lives figured out? We may think that we have our lives figured out, but isn't that just an illusion? I may have every detail planned, but we can never take into account how others will react.
I would so love to have people react well to my leaving. I would love for people to take a look at the situation and use it as a means of deepening their understanding of homosexuality, prejudice, and hate. Unfortunately, I know that some people will just jump to easy conclusions and not do the work of trying to understand. That is what makes me sad. I am sad that what I feel to be a good thing, me coming to a deeper understanding of who I am as a person, should be the catalyst for some pretty uncomfortable situations.
But what is also sad is that my homosexuality should even be a problem. If anything, my finally coming to an understanding of my sexuality has made me a better pastor. I now have an understanding of how we search to find wholeness and have an understanding of how to help others search for wholeness. Why this should be a problem is beyond me.
But back to the comment that I should have my life in order before I try to guide others, well, that is just silly. Look at self-help groups. Here are a group of people who are struggling with various problems helping each other. Alcoholics never refer to themselves as cured, they are always recovering. And yet, these people who do not have their lives in order are able to help others get their lives in order.
I am not trying to attack the person who made the comment, but I feel that the comment exemplifies part of the problems I see in our world: we are so caught up in results that unless we can guarantee total success, we do not want to participate. Unless my life is totally organized, I should not try to help others. I find that frame of reference to be very sad.
I say, all that we have is God and each other. And as far as I can tell, God is working through our world through each other. Since we are imperfect people, we either do nothing until we become prefect (read never) or we try our best, realizing that it will never be perfect.
As for me, I may be wounded, but I am not dead. I will still try to help people knowing that God can take my flawed efforts and turn them into something wonderful.