Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Doin' Lunch
I might be thought of as a “Lunch Professional.” How I can make this claim is that I actually appeared on the front page of a small town newspaper eating lunch. I was sitting along a river, sitting in the sun, reading a book, and eating pizza. And low and behold, a person from the newspaper is asking if he could take my picture.
I have eaten lunch on top of mountains. Looking over the Hollywood Hills. Looking over the Mississippi. Looking over the Rock River Valley. And sitting in a park in a snowstorm. I have many fond memories of the places I have consumed lunch. So today, it struck me as odd that what I was looking over was not some wonderful vista of the world, but a parking lot and a defunct strip mall.
My how the mighty have fallen!
It was a beautiful day out so I decided to sit outside and eat, but I was not in a situation where I could travel to see something wonderful. I kind of got a little down thinking that the parking lot is a good metaphor for my life: A large expanse of flatness with various obstacles sitting unmoving. Things are happening around the parking lot, but not much is happening on the parking lot.
I started thinking of all the wonderful places I have eaten lunch. I had lunch on a peak called Golgotha (11,200 ft) in Rocky Mountain National Park. I have been sitting in the courtyard of the Getty Museum, chatting with my cousin and overlooking L.A. Even just watching the snow fall around me during one of those rare snowstorms in Columbus, OH. I wanted to be just about anywhere other than sitting on a wall, looking over the parking lot.
But the parking lot is where I was. All the dreaming and complaining was not going to place me anywhere else. So I started to look at what was going on around me. There was a kind of cute guy taking stuff off of the roof across the street. There was a helicopter taking off from the hospital. There were a couple of people walking in the sun on their lunch break. There were things happening. They were not big, breathtaking things. They were the daily miracles of our daily life.
I’ve got to keep my eyes open for the daily miracles. It is too easy to forget the daily miracles. It is depressing when we forget the little wonders of life. I’ve got to remember what our friends in recovery would say, I need to cultivate an “Attitude of Gratitude!’
I have eaten lunch on top of mountains. Looking over the Hollywood Hills. Looking over the Mississippi. Looking over the Rock River Valley. And sitting in a park in a snowstorm. I have many fond memories of the places I have consumed lunch. So today, it struck me as odd that what I was looking over was not some wonderful vista of the world, but a parking lot and a defunct strip mall.
My how the mighty have fallen!
It was a beautiful day out so I decided to sit outside and eat, but I was not in a situation where I could travel to see something wonderful. I kind of got a little down thinking that the parking lot is a good metaphor for my life: A large expanse of flatness with various obstacles sitting unmoving. Things are happening around the parking lot, but not much is happening on the parking lot.
I started thinking of all the wonderful places I have eaten lunch. I had lunch on a peak called Golgotha (11,200 ft) in Rocky Mountain National Park. I have been sitting in the courtyard of the Getty Museum, chatting with my cousin and overlooking L.A. Even just watching the snow fall around me during one of those rare snowstorms in Columbus, OH. I wanted to be just about anywhere other than sitting on a wall, looking over the parking lot.
But the parking lot is where I was. All the dreaming and complaining was not going to place me anywhere else. So I started to look at what was going on around me. There was a kind of cute guy taking stuff off of the roof across the street. There was a helicopter taking off from the hospital. There were a couple of people walking in the sun on their lunch break. There were things happening. They were not big, breathtaking things. They were the daily miracles of our daily life.
I’ve got to keep my eyes open for the daily miracles. It is too easy to forget the daily miracles. It is depressing when we forget the little wonders of life. I’ve got to remember what our friends in recovery would say, I need to cultivate an “Attitude of Gratitude!’
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
It has started
Well, I saw it! The first Christmas Tree up in a house. Yes, the seasonal rush has begun!
My Dad
My sister was talking to me the other day and told me something that got me thinking.
Now before I continue, I need to tell you, I had wondered about my father for a while. My father just seems different. He just has this social awkwardness to him. My parents marriage seemed "nice" but not much more.
Now, my sister was telling me about a conversation she had with my dad when he started reminiscing. He started talking about how he and his buddy would go out to the local bars. Then he started telling her about how he and his buddy were drinking and started dancing together at one of the bars.
My sister said there was a light in his eyes she had not seen in a long time as he talked about the dance. She also said he just had this giggle in his voice as he told the story.
For some years now, I had wondered if my parents' marriage was one that the ex-gay people would have approved. I had wondered if my dad denied his feelings and did what he was "supposed" to do. Now hearing this story, I continue to wonder.
If my dad is gay, it doesn't matter to me. It does make me sad, though. As long as I have known my dad, he seemed to be a husk. He would sit and stare. When we asked if he was ok, he would say he was fine. I now see that for most of my life, dad was depressed. I, too, take antidepressants, as does my sister. But I have to wonder if the depression was more than just chemical. Was my dad repressing his true feelings? Did he want to be spending his time dancing with his buddy instead of being at home raising a family?
Granted, I am here because of his choices, but, if my feelings are right, how sad for my dad and my mom. How sad to have to deny the feelings my dad was feeling. And how sad for my mom knowing she was only getting part of the man she married. I don't know if she ever had an inkling, but I do know the marriage was not a hotbed of passion.
When I hear about all the ex-gay movement pushing to banish those "dirty" feelings and go out and find a wife/husband, I have to wonder how many "nice," and not so nice, marriages they are creating. How many dads will be thinking back to that one dangerous dance all those years ago and suddenly light up and begin to giggle? How many moms will have to go though life feeling, if not knowing, they are only getting a part of the man they married?
I love my parents, and I hope my feelings are wrong. But if I am right, I feel so bad that they had to spend their lives pretending.
Now before I continue, I need to tell you, I had wondered about my father for a while. My father just seems different. He just has this social awkwardness to him. My parents marriage seemed "nice" but not much more.
Now, my sister was telling me about a conversation she had with my dad when he started reminiscing. He started talking about how he and his buddy would go out to the local bars. Then he started telling her about how he and his buddy were drinking and started dancing together at one of the bars.
My sister said there was a light in his eyes she had not seen in a long time as he talked about the dance. She also said he just had this giggle in his voice as he told the story.
For some years now, I had wondered if my parents' marriage was one that the ex-gay people would have approved. I had wondered if my dad denied his feelings and did what he was "supposed" to do. Now hearing this story, I continue to wonder.
If my dad is gay, it doesn't matter to me. It does make me sad, though. As long as I have known my dad, he seemed to be a husk. He would sit and stare. When we asked if he was ok, he would say he was fine. I now see that for most of my life, dad was depressed. I, too, take antidepressants, as does my sister. But I have to wonder if the depression was more than just chemical. Was my dad repressing his true feelings? Did he want to be spending his time dancing with his buddy instead of being at home raising a family?
Granted, I am here because of his choices, but, if my feelings are right, how sad for my dad and my mom. How sad to have to deny the feelings my dad was feeling. And how sad for my mom knowing she was only getting part of the man she married. I don't know if she ever had an inkling, but I do know the marriage was not a hotbed of passion.
When I hear about all the ex-gay movement pushing to banish those "dirty" feelings and go out and find a wife/husband, I have to wonder how many "nice," and not so nice, marriages they are creating. How many dads will be thinking back to that one dangerous dance all those years ago and suddenly light up and begin to giggle? How many moms will have to go though life feeling, if not knowing, they are only getting a part of the man they married?
I love my parents, and I hope my feelings are wrong. But if I am right, I feel so bad that they had to spend their lives pretending.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
My First Gay Kiss
A year ago I kissed my first man. I mean, really kissed. I kissed my Dad on the cheek, but nothing more than that. But a year ago I kissed Nick. If you want to read his take on the whole thing, click here.
A couple of things about me. If you haven't figured it out, I am a thinker. I tend to over analyze just about everything. Secondly, I am a bit of a control freak. It is these two things that lead to Nick and I kissing in the office of the church where Nick worked.
Nick and I had been doing things together on my days off for a while. It was nice have someone to do things with who was also gay. We were not "doing" anything, just going to a movie or to the museum. I would drive his direction on my day off, we would have lunch or something and maybe go to a movie. But that was all. I was still feeling bound to the dreaded page thirteen. What this said is that a pastor can be gay, the pastor just can't do anything about it. So although I spent time with Nick, we never did anything physical.
But my mind was going. I have never kissed a guy before. I have never did anything with a guy before. If I got with a guy, would the guy take advantage of me because I was so naive? Not knowing is something that really bothers me. So not knowing what it was like to kiss a guy bothered me. Maybe I wouldn't like it.
So, I actually kind of planned the whole thing. I had come to trust Nick so I though I could ask him if I could kiss him. I know it sounds kind of calculating, but hey, that's me.
So after the movie, Capote, I think, we went back to the church to get Nick's car. I "had to use the bathroom." So we went into the building. After I went, I came out and told Nick that I had never kissed a man before and could I kiss him? He said yes and so I kissed him.
WOW! It was amazing!
Then I said that I had never touch a man before and could I feel him. But before he could answer, I had my hand on his crotch while I kissed him again. Nick had reached down started to feel me but then he stopped. Later he would tell me that if he didn't stop then, he would have moved things beyond where I was ready to go.
I was a little out of my element but I am thankful Nick didn't push me any father.
The ride home was interesting. I had a hard-on the whole way home. I also was probably a road hazard as my mind was not on my driving.
This is the actual e-mail I sent Nick. (Only the names have been changed.)
Hi Nick!
Thanks for your kindness in the face of a very selfish request. You have done a great kindness for me! I was kind of worried about making it home as I was a bit distracted! I can still feel your kiss and the way you felt through your pants. I can still feel you touching me. I was hard the whole way home.
I thank you for that initiation. It was very emotional. It felt natural and it felt good. It hurt that I had to wait until I was 41 to be able to experience it. I would love to be able to explore more of that but I still feel tied to my ordination promises. I know, the porn probably is against the spirit of the rule if not the letter of the rule. Probably the kiss and the touch was against the spirit of the rule also. I hate having to sneak around.
You have given me a gift and I appreciate the safe environment in which to experience it. That was a great ending to a nice day.
Peace to you,
Ben
(The "porn" mentioned in the letter were "Instructional Videos" as Lemuel would call them.)
I guess this was another step in my coming out and my finding Nick.
A couple of things about me. If you haven't figured it out, I am a thinker. I tend to over analyze just about everything. Secondly, I am a bit of a control freak. It is these two things that lead to Nick and I kissing in the office of the church where Nick worked.
Nick and I had been doing things together on my days off for a while. It was nice have someone to do things with who was also gay. We were not "doing" anything, just going to a movie or to the museum. I would drive his direction on my day off, we would have lunch or something and maybe go to a movie. But that was all. I was still feeling bound to the dreaded page thirteen. What this said is that a pastor can be gay, the pastor just can't do anything about it. So although I spent time with Nick, we never did anything physical.
But my mind was going. I have never kissed a guy before. I have never did anything with a guy before. If I got with a guy, would the guy take advantage of me because I was so naive? Not knowing is something that really bothers me. So not knowing what it was like to kiss a guy bothered me. Maybe I wouldn't like it.
So, I actually kind of planned the whole thing. I had come to trust Nick so I though I could ask him if I could kiss him. I know it sounds kind of calculating, but hey, that's me.
So after the movie, Capote, I think, we went back to the church to get Nick's car. I "had to use the bathroom." So we went into the building. After I went, I came out and told Nick that I had never kissed a man before and could I kiss him? He said yes and so I kissed him.
WOW! It was amazing!
Then I said that I had never touch a man before and could I feel him. But before he could answer, I had my hand on his crotch while I kissed him again. Nick had reached down started to feel me but then he stopped. Later he would tell me that if he didn't stop then, he would have moved things beyond where I was ready to go.
I was a little out of my element but I am thankful Nick didn't push me any father.
The ride home was interesting. I had a hard-on the whole way home. I also was probably a road hazard as my mind was not on my driving.
This is the actual e-mail I sent Nick. (Only the names have been changed.)
Hi Nick!
Thanks for your kindness in the face of a very selfish request. You have done a great kindness for me! I was kind of worried about making it home as I was a bit distracted! I can still feel your kiss and the way you felt through your pants. I can still feel you touching me. I was hard the whole way home.
I thank you for that initiation. It was very emotional. It felt natural and it felt good. It hurt that I had to wait until I was 41 to be able to experience it. I would love to be able to explore more of that but I still feel tied to my ordination promises. I know, the porn probably is against the spirit of the rule if not the letter of the rule. Probably the kiss and the touch was against the spirit of the rule also. I hate having to sneak around.
You have given me a gift and I appreciate the safe environment in which to experience it. That was a great ending to a nice day.
Peace to you,
Ben
(The "porn" mentioned in the letter were "Instructional Videos" as Lemuel would call them.)
I guess this was another step in my coming out and my finding Nick.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Rev. Haggard
This whole thing with Rev. Haggard is really getting me. I think I may be overly identifying with him. I know what it feels like to deny what you are feeling and try to "act straight." I know what it is like to lose your ministry and have people of faith tell you that you are terrible person because of who you love.
But what he is dealing with is so much more than what I have dealt with. I am not belittling what I went through, but I didn't have a wife and five kids and a church of 14,000 people.
We may want to point fingers and snigger. But that is not very Christian, either. How can we, the GLBT community reach out to Rev. Haggard and help him to see that he really is a wonderful creation of God, JUST THE WAY HE IS! He doesn't need to hide or be ashamed. How can we help this man of God realize he really is a man of God? Created by God? And loved by God, just the way he is. He may have made dark choices, but he is not a dark person.
It would be easy to ridicule Rev. Haggard, but then we, the oppressed become the oppressors. We can't let this happen.
Rev. Haggard, you are a wonderful creation of God. What you feel need not be "repulsive and dark." You have made some bad choices, but you are not your choices. You are so much more. My prayer is that you come to realize the love of God is so much bigger than you have imagined. God did not send His Son for the few, "God so love THE WORLD!" Rev. Haggard, God loves you, a struggling man, a gay man.
But what he is dealing with is so much more than what I have dealt with. I am not belittling what I went through, but I didn't have a wife and five kids and a church of 14,000 people.
We may want to point fingers and snigger. But that is not very Christian, either. How can we, the GLBT community reach out to Rev. Haggard and help him to see that he really is a wonderful creation of God, JUST THE WAY HE IS! He doesn't need to hide or be ashamed. How can we help this man of God realize he really is a man of God? Created by God? And loved by God, just the way he is. He may have made dark choices, but he is not a dark person.
It would be easy to ridicule Rev. Haggard, but then we, the oppressed become the oppressors. We can't let this happen.
Rev. Haggard, you are a wonderful creation of God. What you feel need not be "repulsive and dark." You have made some bad choices, but you are not your choices. You are so much more. My prayer is that you come to realize the love of God is so much bigger than you have imagined. God did not send His Son for the few, "God so love THE WORLD!" Rev. Haggard, God loves you, a struggling man, a gay man.
Nick Found One
Nick found a Thanksgiving Mug! He found it in Pittsburgh and bought one for me and one for himself. He said he was about to burst trying to keep from telling me. It was quite a surprise when got home and handed it to me. I though it might be a mug with my name on it because I often kid about how hard it is to find a mug with my name. But it was a Thanksgiving mug. How cool is that?
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Uh Oh!
You know, it is never a good thing when you get a registered letter from the IRS. If there is anyone reading this from another country, the IRS is the taxation branch of the American government. I am not pleased to get this...
I do claim ignorance. I am so financially inept. But, another money matter to make things happy.
I do claim ignorance. I am so financially inept. But, another money matter to make things happy.
Welcome Out Neil Patrick Harris
Neil Patrick Harris, of Doogie Howser, MD fame and more recently How I Met Your Mother and also, my favorite, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, tells People On-Line Magazine that he is gay. He says, "I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest ..."
Good for you Doogie! The rest of you hiding out there, come on out, the weather is getting better all the time!
Friday, November 03, 2006
Prague Men's Clothing
Does anyone know anything about Prague Clothing? A co-worker is trying to find a web site or something. Thanks!
We've Got The Power!
I was just watching some of the election ads on TV. You know something? We have a lot power! We, the GLBTs of the world can DESTROY(!!!!!!) the family, AS WE KNOW IT!!!!! Oh no! We start getting married and the next thing you know, all those hottie hets will be running out and having anal sex. Look! It has already started! Next thing you know, those hets will be getting style and start cleaning up their homes and neighborhoods! That would be horrible! Maybe that is why the Pink Flamingo is dying!! Because of us and our famous sense of style, Millions! (no) Thousands! (no) Hundreds! (maybe) Tens! (probably) of people will lose their jobs in the pink flamingo industry. But if the US would allow GLBT folks to get married...BILLIONS of people could be hired in the marriage planning industry alone!
Of course I am having a little fun here, but the fear mongering that is going on is pathetic. Maybe if GLBT folks would be allowed to marry, fundamentalist preachers wouldn't have to pay for sex.
Of course I am having a little fun here, but the fear mongering that is going on is pathetic. Maybe if GLBT folks would be allowed to marry, fundamentalist preachers wouldn't have to pay for sex.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Say It Isn't SO!!!!
I just heard it on the Today Show...The company that makes the plastic pink flamingo is going out of business! Oh the humanity! NO! What will we with no aesthetic sense put in our yards?
I think we need a moment of silence.
1957-2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Preliminary Data
As of twelve hours of "My Porno Shoot" being on my blog, it is the second highest page hit. The only page hit more is the generic blogspot page.
My Porno Shoot
Doug over at Gossamer Tapestry said that because of one post traffic to his blog has tripled. I wanted to see if it works!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween!
I had a pic on this post that really wasn't "Safe For Work" and I like to keep this work safe, so here is a link to the picture. You can click here if you feel so inclined.
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