Tuesday, November 07, 2006

My First Gay Kiss

A year ago I kissed my first man. I mean, really kissed. I kissed my Dad on the cheek, but nothing more than that. But a year ago I kissed Nick. If you want to read his take on the whole thing, click here.

A couple of things about me. If you haven't figured it out, I am a thinker. I tend to over analyze just about everything. Secondly, I am a bit of a control freak. It is these two things that lead to Nick and I kissing in the office of the church where Nick worked.

Nick and I had been doing things together on my days off for a while. It was nice have someone to do things with who was also gay. We were not "doing" anything, just going to a movie or to the museum. I would drive his direction on my day off, we would have lunch or something and maybe go to a movie. But that was all. I was still feeling bound to the dreaded page thirteen. What this said is that a pastor can be gay, the pastor just can't do anything about it. So although I spent time with Nick, we never did anything physical.

But my mind was going. I have never kissed a guy before. I have never did anything with a guy before. If I got with a guy, would the guy take advantage of me because I was so naive? Not knowing is something that really bothers me. So not knowing what it was like to kiss a guy bothered me. Maybe I wouldn't like it.

So, I actually kind of planned the whole thing. I had come to trust Nick so I though I could ask him if I could kiss him. I know it sounds kind of calculating, but hey, that's me.

So after the movie, Capote, I think, we went back to the church to get Nick's car. I "had to use the bathroom." So we went into the building. After I went, I came out and told Nick that I had never kissed a man before and could I kiss him? He said yes and so I kissed him.

WOW! It was amazing!

Then I said that I had never touch a man before and could I feel him. But before he could answer, I had my hand on his crotch while I kissed him again. Nick had reached down started to feel me but then he stopped. Later he would tell me that if he didn't stop then, he would have moved things beyond where I was ready to go.

I was a little out of my element but I am thankful Nick didn't push me any father.

The ride home was interesting. I had a hard-on the whole way home. I also was probably a road hazard as my mind was not on my driving.

This is the actual e-mail I sent Nick. (Only the names have been changed.)

Hi Nick!

Thanks for your kindness in the face of a very selfish request. You have done a great kindness for me! I was kind of worried about making it home as I was a bit distracted! I can still feel your kiss and the way you felt through your pants. I can still feel you touching me. I was hard the whole way home.

I thank you for that initiation. It was very emotional. It felt natural and it felt good. It hurt that I had to wait until I was 41 to be able to experience it. I would love to be able to explore more of that but I still feel tied to my ordination promises. I know, the porn probably is against the spirit of the rule if not the letter of the rule. Probably the kiss and the touch was against the spirit of the rule also. I hate having to sneak around.

You have given me a gift and I appreciate the safe environment in which to experience it. That was a great ending to a nice day.

Peace to you,


(The "porn" mentioned in the letter were "Instructional Videos" as Lemuel would call them.)

I guess this was another step in my coming out and my finding Nick.


Old Pastor said...

what an absolutely wonderful post. You are more special than you will ever know. I love you

Ur-spo said...

that was sweet; and rather stimulating too!

Lemuel said...

I was touched to read Nick's account of this incident and now yours. There was such an element of romance in it all that it actually left me a bit teary eyed. Perhaps because I relate. I was in my early 40's when I first kissed a man. It was not so sweet as your encounter, but just as impressionable.

Doug Taron said...

Absolutely beautiful. The blogging muse seems to have been spending a lot of time here lately.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations guys on a great first year.

Steve and Warren

Mo and The Purries said...

That was a beautiful post.
I'm so happy that you have found someone so supportive, understanding, and loving.
May you have many such passionate kisses in your life!