Midwestern Low Pressure Front?

So, what has been happening?
Got another rejection letter.  Really trying to not take them seriously.  But they hurt.
No more happy drugs.  No doctor = No rx.
Kidney stone passed!  Yeah!  Over $2600 for an ER visit for pain meds.  (See previous comment.)  Not sure how to pay it.
Went home for a party.  I have a bunch of Teaparty crazies in my family.  It is easy to tell people that they just need to "buck up" when you and your kids are driving Porsche Carerras and you made your money by hiring people at minimum wage.
Trying to figure how to psychically heal but not doing so well.
Really looking for a way to disappear.

Happy?
Humm...  I still have Nik. (or Nic, or Nick, or Nich, or whatever the hell I have dubbed him here.)
It has not been too hot.
My mom is doing better.
At least without the happy drugs I am able to have respectable orgasms.  I guess if we take the fake endorphins out of the system, the body has to work harder to make its own.

The Feeling of Futility

I think that is what I am feeling:  Futility.  I don't think it is depression, as I had previously thought.  I look at the world and think, "Why bother."  Welcome Learned Helplessness!

It has settled into my head that no matter what I do, my situation is not going to change.  Up-date the resume.  Apply.  Pray. "Keep that chin up!" Think positive thoughts.  It all appears to be pure futility.

It is easy to look in from outside and tell me to keep going.  It is easy to say that I have to keep applying.  But I sit here and try to figure why I should even bother.  In the end, it will be all for naught.

Six Months 'til Christmas!!

Too Flawed to Function

Yes, I  am having a "Too Flawed to Function" kind of day.  I feel as if anything I touch will break.  (Thank you Dad for that one.)  I feel totally lost in my head.  I probably need to do something physical; get out of my head.

Whenever I think of something, I begin to contemplate the costs.  At $4/gallon for gas, travel is out.  Getting lost in the woods is difficult in the city.  I see Nik doing things around the house and feel guilty; I should have though of doing those things.  My general demeanor is that I am a waste of skin, space, food, air.

I know that most of this is crazy talk.  But it doesn't seem to help much.

The desire is not so much to die as it is to just remove myself from the time line.  I don't want to upset people.  I know people care about me.  But I see myself as holding people, especially Nik, back.  I feel very much like a taker without adding anything to the system.

I got another bill from the Hospital.  We are approaching $2500 for the kidney stone that is still there.

I hate feeling guilty for having health issues.  Maybe I am subconsciously attempting suicide by heart-attack.

Just how to stop causing pain to those who care about me.

I am turning off comments because I really do not want this to look like some pathetic plea for attention.  I just want to know that someone out there (even if it is only imaginary) heart this.

Thoughts on Pride Weekend

Me at Pride!  (I am the second from the left!)

Went to Pride this weekend.  Actually, it felt like I lived at Pride this weekend!  (I was there from before the gates opened until almost closed, daily.) And being there as a person of faith had its positive aspects and its negative.  I will say that I think the positive aspects greatly outweighed the negative.  

One of the things that I love about Pride is the attitude of acceptance that is found.  Me, a dumpy bear can stand next to some hot guys in underwear and have my picture taken.  (Or, to quote from "Hello Dolly," "Have our picture took.")  But it was not just the hot guys in underwear, it was the people who were in drag (both male and female) or the ones who just felt the freedom to cross-dress if they wanted to.  It was the people feeling safe enough and open enough to say, "I am rare and precious and deserve to be valued just like a gem or work of art."  It was just a lot of fun.

It was also people of faith being present with the Atheists.  It was being able to have a conversation that says something more than, "God hates you and you are damned."  It was a situation where (aspects of) the Church were able to affirm that we come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and predilections, but God still loves us!  I wish we could get this more in our congregations; I think this is what Christ would have us do.

I have been careful not to post the above photo on Facebook for fear of some of my more "Churchy" friends being offended.  I would like to think that they would be offended by my obvious disregard for the sin of gluttony, but the offense would more likely be to the protruding body parts of my associates.  This is sad.  It shows that double standards still exist in society.  If I were standing among three bikini-clad ladies, some eyebrows may be raised, but not much more.  But because we are dealing with the male physique, we need to be offended.  Humm....

What I found negative was the lack of presence by some major main-line denominations.  For all the talk of the Episcopal Church and the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America being open and accepting, there was no presence.  Amid the Metropolitan Community Church presences, there was United Church of Christ, Methodists, CATHOLICS!!, Unitarians, and Non-Denominationals, TEC and ELCA were not there.  Considering they have both been making strides toward acceptance (especially TEC with its acceptance of trans people in the role of ordained clergy) it would seem that their presence at Pride would be a no brainer. That no church was present from either denomination was inexcusable.

Also what was missing was a faith presence from the traditionally African-American churches.  The number of (forgive me, I will use the term "Black" because it is easier to type!) black folks at Pride was wonderful!  But if any of these people were looking for someone who looked like them among the affirming community, they would have had a futile search.

While I found things to be excited about in the faith communities present, I also see that an opportunity to reach out was wasted.

Not to end this on a bummer, I was so happy to see that the screaming Bible-thumpers were not present.  I was also happy to see the the "I'm Sorry" folks were there.  (If you are not familiar with the "I'm Sorry" folks, they present a counter to the screamers, apologizing for the pain that has been inflicted in the name of Christianity.)

All in all, it was a good thing.  I just wish more straight people could see all these "scary" gay people just having some fun.  I also wish they could let their defenses down long enough to dance in the sun, appreciate the artistry of a Drag King or Queen, cheer the freedom to allow one's actual self to shine through, and to be outrageous for no other reason than to be outrageous!  We really need to do that more often!

Funeral Postmortem

Sorry it has been a while.

It has been almost two months since my dad died.

I really don't know what to think about the whole situation.  I know that I should give people a break at times like this, but I also know that people tend to let their true feelings slip when they don't have the energy to "play nice."

What I find really sad is that it would appear that my family, both close and more extended, are of the assumption that I never consider anyone else in my actions.  That anything that I do is for a selfish intent.  I was told that I put things on Facebook so I could get people to feel sorry for me.  I asked for prayers because I was uncaring.  It was  not considered that I was a clergy person asking for some assistance.  No, I was bad.

We were able to make it through the funeral, but things have not changed.  I have tried to contact my sister and she has never returned my calls. I just really want to tell her, "You know I will always love you, but let's just quit trying to pretend you like me.  I will quit trying to get you to like me and you can just avoid me."

I really do not want to go back "home" anymore.  I am tired of the bull.

Also, sorry for the downer.  I seem to write in my blog more when I am depressed.

Eight Months Left.

A little Christmasy photo from my hometown.

I so co-dependent my family

I have heard it said that God gives us family so we can learn to deal with people we don't like.  I am believing this is true.  Right about now, I want to take my family and just tell them all to go to hell.

My Dad has been in frail condition for many years.  He has had four heart attacks, two open heart surgeries, and a host of other surgeries/illnesses.  He is also three weeks shy of his 92nd birthday.

Nick and I were planning to visit my family this past week.  We were going to make a quick pass through since we would be near.  Just before we got there, my Dad fell and ended up in the hospital.  I posted a statement in Facebook asking for prayers.  Next thing I know, I am getting yelled at by my older sister about blabbing this to the whole world and I need to stop.  Seems she had not told her son that his grandfather was in the hospital and not doing so well.  Of course it was my fault that he read it first on FB.

Then my Dad was having more problems and I asked for prayers (making sure I blocked my nephew, his wife, and my sister).  The next day (today) my younger sister is yelling at me for making Mom upset because her sisters (my aunts) were calling wondering what was happening.  And again, it was my fault for asking for prayers.  "How dare you only think of yourself.  Can't you see how you are hurting mom?"

Of course, some of you may remember how I was going to "Kill Dad."  No matter what I did, I was going to "Kill Dad!"  Now I guess I am also going to "Kill Mom!"

I hate the double-bind:  I am accused of not doing anything because I live 500 miles away, but when I try to do something, I am accused of being selfish and uncaring.

I know that emotional cut-off is not a good thing, but I am also tired of being the dumping ground for my family's anxiety.  I am afraid for my Dad, but I am treated as if I only care about me.  I don't know if I can even talk to my Mom because of all the "harm" my sisters say I have done.  I just want to tell them to keep their drama to themselves.  I just want to say to my younger sister, "You have never liked me, why don't we just quite the charade?  You can just ignore me and I will quite trying to get you to like me.  It will just be better in the long run."

How to remove oneself from the situation without making the situation worse.

Every time I interact with my family, I get the feeling that they would rather not have me around.  And yet, when I make myself scarce, I am attacked for not caring.  Crazy making at it's finest!

Nine Months!

AKA ~ "Holy Horizontal Mambo Day"

The Poor Will Always be With You

John 12:1-8

There has been something that has really been driving me crazy as of late.  It seems that the new group to pick on is the poor.  I see petitions floating around talking about how all people who receive welfare should have to take drug tests.  Even when it is pointed out that the majority of people who take drugs are not on welfare, this has no impact.  Even when it is shown that it cost more to test people than what is saved by denying benefits to those who test positive, the excuse is that the tests just need to be made cheaper because we KNOW that THOSE people are on drugs.  Or when we come up with plans to help the unemployed, the response is that the people should just get off their duffs and get a job.  And I wonder why there is such a mean attitude to those who are in need.  The usual response is, “I work for my money, so should they!”

Yeah, the poor will always be with us.  And since they will always be with us, what is the use of doing anything to help them.  And besides, shouldn’t they be going out and helping themselves?  God helps those who help themselves!  (Actually, that is no from the Bible at all, it is from The Poor Richard’s Almanac.)

Still, in our gospel reading for today, we have Jesus saying these exact words, “you always have the poor with you…”  It sounds kind of like a slap in the face of Judas.  Judas was commenting on how the money for the perfume could have been spent to help the poor.  This sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it?  But then Jesus comes back with this smack:  You should spend the money on me (that would be Jesus) because those poor people will always be with you.  You can feed them tomorrow or whenever.  And I will grant you, Jesus’ words are a smack to Judas, but not for the reasons we normally assume.

Being a good Jewish boy, (and definitely before our age of distraction), Judas would have been familiar with the law.  He would have been familiar with what was written in Deuteronomy.  He would have known that what Jesus said was a reference to Deuteronomy 15.  And he would have known that his plan to steal the money had been recognized for what it was; not a plan to help the poor, but a plan to line his own pockets.

To understand this, we need to look at Deuteronomy 15.  Deuteronomy 15 DOES say that the poor will always be with us, but it is not a statement of resignation.  What it is, though, is an indictment on how we live.  The people are told that the land they will be given by God is a land of abundance.  And in the face of this abundance, there should be no hunger or poverty.  We are to be truly loving and generous. We are to share our God-give abundance and, as such, prevent poverty from ever entering the land.  But the quote says that the poor will always be with us.  Again, this is not that God makes poor people, but we are NOT be generous and loving.  We will NOT share the abundance we find.  We will keep the abundance for ourselves and come up with excuses as to why the others are lacking.  We are presented with a real possibility end hunger and poverty, but the statement of resignation is that we will continue to practice our selfish ways while shifting the blame to others.

And lest we think this is just some past thing, not something that applies to us today; since 2001, the US has spent more than $1.4 trillion dollars on wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  This could have bought groceries for 660 million people in the US for one year, not to mention what it could have done for those in other parts of the world.  Yes, at this rate, the poor will always be with us.

So when Judas says that the money for the perfume Mary is putting on Jesus’ feet could be given to the poor, Jesus’ response is a smack to Judas, saying, “It could help the poor, but you would never use it for that.”

It may seem weird that I would be talking to you here, this morning, in Statesalvania, State, about what is spent on war, but unless we talk about it, and do something about it, it is not going to change.  It is easy to say that we are too old to do anything, or that we are just one person.  But we don’t get off that easy.  The new pope, Pope Francis, is 77 years old.  The Catholic Church must assume that older folks are capable of something!  And what about Mother Teresa?  She was one person who made a lot of difference!  And Gandhi:  When he started he was both one person AND old!  We are capable of making a difference!  To say “we can’t” says more about our faith in God than in God’s ability in the world.

So Jesus is smacking Judas for trying to look all holy when, in fact, Jesus knew that Judas intended to keep money; but what are we to make of the “but you do not always have me” part?  I couldn’t find anything in the commentaries about this part, so I will venture a guess:  Even if we don’t want to help the people around us because God has blessed us so richly, we should be helping others because in doing so we worship Christ.

Christ is saying that it is okay for us to lavish affection onto Christ.  And that we in fact NEED to do this because Christ will not always be with us.  So, if we believe that Christ lives in each of us, because of our baptism, then we NEED to be lavishing affection upon each other because we do not know how long this person will be with us!  Instead of calling each other lazy or foolish, or prodigal (remember last week??!?), we should be looking for ways to show love, honor, and respect to all the people we meet.  Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all followed this?  Can you imagine what the world would be like if even a simple majority followed this?  What a different would we would have!

My challenge for you for the rest of Lent is to not look at the poor and needy as the takers of society, but to see the spark of Christ within them.  I challenge you to follow the example of Mary and lavish them with love and affection.  I challenge you to not think of it as giving to the poor but as worshiping our Savior.  Will this be easy?  No.  Will we want to do it?  I don’t know, quite possibly not.  But we are called to share the abundance we have been given, and we are called to do it while we still have Christ among us. 

"What do we want?" "PUNISHMENT!"

Ok, I tend to be a bit of a reductionist.  So, this will be reductionistic.

What I see is we in the US tend to really like punishment.  That seems to be the first tool we jump to.  People speeding?  Punish!  People misbehaving?  Punish!  People addicted to drugs?  Punish!  People doing things we don't like?  PUNISH!!!

At times, this seems to be the only tool in the toolbox!  No matter what, we need to jump to punishment.  And frankly, in my opinion, punishment is the most lazy way of dealing with anything.  All we have to do is look.  Does punishment stop speeding?  It slows people down when the cops are around.  And it slows some people down.  But it really seems to have minimal effect.

I know that speeding is just one example, but when we think about it, punishment really doesn't work.  When we punish children, all we end up teaching them is how to be more sneaky.

I learned that behavior is results driven.  We change behavior, not by punishing it, but by making it easier to get the desired result.  When we punish the behavior, we only stop the behavior while the punishing force it present.  But when we find ways to fulfill the needs that cause the behavior, we can make positive, durable change.

Another assumption of punishment is if we punish the behavior, people will just come up with alternate, positive, behaviors.

This just shows a lack of social awareness.  What might be an "appropriate" behavior in my community may be deemed "inappropriate" in another community.  To punish someone for something that we assume, "Everyone should know that," does not help the situation.  We need to look at ways to teach people to prosper.

I look at the vitriol I hear about people receiving welfare.  "They should get a job!"  Removing the welfare (punishing) will not teach the person to have better job-hunting skills.  The assumption is the person is lazy and we need to punish the person to make the person less lazy.  When I look at many of the GOP (Sorry, not meaning to attack) arguments, they have at their base the concept of punishment/reward.  "You are not doing the right thing, therefore you are being punished.  I am doing the right thing, therefore I am being rewarded."  The problem is that what is punished and what is rewarded has never been specified.

Kind of haphazard.  Sorry.  Just thoughts in process.

10 Months to Go!

Base Assumptions

NOTE:  This post is going to contain a ton of glowing generalities.

I have come to a conclusion as to why it seems that the Democrats and the Republicans cannot agree on anything.  It is because of what base assumptions we make about human behavior.

It seems that every Republican I talk to uses, what for the longest time to be a Fox News talking point, the argument that we cannot tax the rich more because there will be a disincentive to make more money.

My usual response is that no matter what the tax bracket, there will always be rich people.  Just because they have to pay more taxes doesn't mean they are going to stop making money.

But then it dawned on me:  These people see money as the only reason people will do anything.  If you do not supply the monetary incentive, then you will not have people do anything.

What my base assumption is, is that if you can find the things people love to do and feel fulfilled in doing, then, as long as their base needs (and a few splurges!) are fulfilled, money isn't the main motivator.  I would rather do something that I love and not make as much money rather than be stuck in a job I hate just to have an expensive car.

I think when discussions happen, I come from the self-fulfillment end of the spectrum.  I just don't understand the (sociopathic?) quest to make more and more money.  I think when I get in discussions with these people,  we have trouble because we are not starting from the same point and we are pointing in different directions.

The Greatest of These is Love Epiphany 4

I have a fair amount of friends who are atheists.  This saddens me.  Something that is such a large part of my life cannot be shared with them.  We are kind to each other, and we can get together and laugh, but there is still a part that keeps us apart.  What is especially interesting is that many of these people were raised within “churched” families.  It is only within recent years that they have moved away from the church.

When I ask them why they left the church, almost invariably, I get the same answer:  The people they find in churches are hypocrites.  My friends say that they hear all this talk about God and love but what they see is hate and judgment.  Christians talk the “God is Good” line, but then these same people are out slamming others and judging them.  So often, it is this discrepancy between what is heard about Christianity and what is seen that sends people running for the hills.  And as a Christian, I find this sad.

In today’s epistle reading we have what is commonly referred to as “The Love Chapter.”  If you have been to a Christian wedding you have certainly heard it.  Even people who may have little backing in the Bible have heard this chapter.  And to tell the truth, it really is a great chapter!  I don’t think I know anyone who can listen to this chapter and not get just a little wispy.  We listen to it and think, “Yes, this would be great!”  We listen to it and imagine ourselves surrounded by patience and kindness.  We listen to it and imagine a world without arrogance, boastfulness, or resentfulness.  We read this chapter and long for a world filled with love.

Am I wrong in saying that we all want a world like this?

But then what happens?  Well, life happens. We go out and find that the world can be quite boastful and arrogant.  We go out and find that people are often very rude.  We watch TV and see nothing that smacks of kindness or patience.  We feel like we are being duped, gypped, played.  And, quite frankly, we don’t like it!

So how do we usually react when we are confronted with the unloving nature of the world?  Do we go out and redouble our efforts to spread love in the world?  Do we make extra efforts to show the world that Christianity is more than just a excuse to look upon others with disdain?  Do we look to brighten our place in the world or do we decide to give back as “good” as we have gotten?

I will admit that I would love to stand here and tell you all how virtuous and upstanding I am and that I always send warm, loving thoughts to who are not necessarily too kind to me.  I would love to, but I can’t.  I get angry.  I get frustrated.  I feel hurt.  And feeling hurt, I want to spread that hurt to the world.  For what it is worth:  I am not a saint, at least not in the traditional understanding.

So what are we supposed to do with this?  Are we just supposed to be all wispy, realizing the world the Love Chapter presents will never happen?  I guess we could.  Are we supposed to reject the Church (with a capital “C”) figuring that it is filled with people who are just looking to make their own lives better while inflicting judgment and hatred on the rest of the world?  Some have done that.  Or are we just give up on any kind of God because it appears to be just a bunch of lies?  That option just sounds too sad to contemplate!

This is where I get frustrated with all this God-stuff.  I want some cut and dried answers!  I want to be able to tell you all to just do this, that, and the other thing, and everything will be wonderful.  But I can’t!  And it makes me frustrated.

Perhaps we can get a little more insight from a part of the reading that is often ignored.  Toward the end of the reading we have these somewhat strange statements:  “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.”  When we look at the behavior of so many people, doesn’t if feel like we are looking at children in adult suits?  Often when I step back and look at my own behavior, I am embarrassed as to how childish I can be.  I am not the paragon of maturity I would like to be; I am often a hurt child just wanting to be loved.  Whether we want to admit or not, we often have these moments of feeling like children, and I think it is just this child that The Love Chapter speaks to.

Our “Inner Child,” to use the old pop-psych term, wants there to be patience, kindness, and truth in the world.  We want to know that all things are possible and that all hopes can still occur.  We want to have the reassurance that those who love us will not abandon us. This is what we want, and The Love Chapter reignites that hope in our soul.  But then this nasty, evil sentence occurs:  “…when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.”  This is the harsh recognition that the world with “Santa God” is not out there.  There will be people who are not patient.  There will be people who are not kind.  There will people who will be arrogant.  And there will be people who will be rude.  And quite often, those people will be US!

Man!  I am depressing myself!

It sounds as if we are stuck here in a world that is just plain nasty.  And if the chapter were to end here, it would be just plain nasty.  But the chapter DOES NOT end here, it continues with a promise.  We are reminded that we only see things in part; that we cannot see things fully. 

This reminder should give us all hope.  What we see is not all there is; there is something more!  We should remember that the world is not for us to control, that God is the one that leads and provides.  And even thought things may appear troubling, we are only seeing part.  That there is more going on and that we need to have faith in God to see to our needs.

However we are not left unarmed:  We have faith, hope, and love.  We are called to be those things that we want to see in the world.  We are called to be patient and kind.  When we see arrogance or rudeness, we are to respond in truth and tolerance.  We are to be understanding and accepting.  We are called to be the voice of love to the world.  We are called to be the adults in the situation.  We are called to be responsible and rational.  We are called to heal the sense of isolation and exclusion that current Christianity seems to be unloading onto our world.  It is our calling to become the change we want to see in the world.

Does this mean we will never get angry?  No.  Does this mean we will never be irrational?  No.  Does this mean we have to be perfect?  No.  What this does mean, thought is that we work on being the loving people we would like others to be.  That we work on showing tolerance to others as we would like to have others show tolerance to us.  That we work on wishing the best for the OTHER just as we would like to have the best for ourselves.  This is stuff that requires work!  Those who have been in relationships know this, love does not just happen, it requires work!  And if we want to spread love in the world, that requires work too!

The Love Chapter does make us feel all wispy inside, and although we probably will never get to such a world drenched in love, I do believe we can move in that direction.  We can choose to respond in love instead of react in anger.  We can choose to respond in love instead of snapping back in hurt.  We can choose to respond in love instead of seeking to avenge our fear and hurt.  We can choose to be the loving heart of God to those who need to feel patience, kindness, and understanding.

Is this easy? No…But that does not mean we shouldn’t try.  I will end with a little story:  A former congregant of mine was telling about being cut off by a person pulling out of a parking lot.  The congregant was about to let fly with a “one finger salute” when he stopped and though:  “God loves this guy too.”  Did the reaction of the congregant help things?  I don’t know.  But I do know that the congregant did not add to the hate in the world.  Our first response is to return hate for hate, but Christ asks more of us.  Christ asks us to return love for hate, just as Christ showed love to a world that was focusing all its hate upon him.

“And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.”

11 Months!

Humm...

I really don't know what to write about today.

Things are going well.  Off to Canada later today.  We have to bundle up because you know, it is ALWAYS  colder in Canada!  Granted, it is just across the river from Detroit, but in the process of crossing the river, the temperature drops.

What?  Oh!  That is Celsius!

Getting Off the (Not So) Merry-Go-Round

This could probably be classified as a first-world-problem.

When I look at the situation of my life, I divide them into three categories:  Things I can change; Things I can live with; Things I need to escape.  More and more I find the world to fall into the third category.  I find that trying to change things has become overwhelming.  I find that so many of the things I see I am not willing to live with.  So that leaves finding some way to get away from them; thus trying to get off the Not-So-Merry-Go-Round.

Perhaps I am trying to deny the "No matter where you go, there you are" truism.  I have the hope that fleeing the (perceived) idiots of the world will make life better.  Why should I wait to be a dirty-old man to become a beach bum, why can't I do that now?  Of course, I am speaking of a beach in a warm local!  But really, if life is sucking this much, it would seem to be time for a major change.

Don't know how this is going to look, but (at least for this afternoon) I have the resolution to make it happen.

Guns and Systems Theory

I have probably taken too many classes in Systems Theory, but when I look at the gun debate, I get the feeling something else is going on out there.

One of the big about Systems is to look for reactions that are out of "character" for the situations.  An example may be wishing someone a "Good Morning," and getting told that I just need to shut up and go back into my office.  (Yes, this did happen.  And no, it was not a joke.)  I told the person that I didn't know who she was angry with, but it's not me and I do not want to be the focus of her anger.  She did apologize and told me that she was upset with her husband.  The out of character reaction is a means of reducing stress and anxiety, but it is not directed in a place where it can do any good.

When I look at the question of gun control, I see a "shut up and go back into your office" reaction.  People screaming, people calling others "stupid."  (Yes, I have had a good friend, like "best-man-in-wedding" good friend, call me stupid.) People not listening to each other.  People are not talking about what is really bothering them, so we will go nowhere.

This is not going to be popular with some, but I still think this goes down to race.  We don't want to claim our racism, so it gets pushed down and erupts elsewhere.  There are still people who are not pleased we have a president who has darker skin than them.  We still have people who need to hold their white supremacy as a justification for their being.  If you ask these people, they will probably tell you that "it has nothing to do with race," but they would be lying.

I have prejudice.  I was raised in an almost totally white community.  Watching the news, black men are scary!  But also, I know that this is an over-generalization.  And I am working to increase my knowledge and trying to move forward.  But it took facing the ugly truth that "I AM PREJUDICED!"

There is a great page presented by Harvard that can help understand your implicit prejudices.  We all have them and in learning about them, we can start to address them and not let them infect our daily lives.

Harvard Project Implicit

This is not a place to argue Gun Policy.  Gun policy comments will be removed.

Back with the Reprieve

Again, doing much better today.  Spent yesterday with Nik, out and about.  Even though it was cold, we were by the water most of the day and ate lunch spying on the Canadians.  (The restaurant was across the St. Claire River from Canada.)  I hope the added sunshine helped.

I want to revisit something with depression:  I know most people, guys especially, want to jump in and start making comments on how to "fix" the situation.  If I can say anything, DON'T DO IT!  At least for me, when I feel depressed I am already thinking I am damaged beyond fixing, and the suggestions generally serve more to reinforce the FACT that I am damaged than to ease it.

An Example:  I was talking to a Bible study a while ago, and we got on the subject of depression.  One woman said, "I would tell the person to just give it all to God!"  (She was one of these overly perky people.) I just shook my head.  She continued:  "I would tell the person that Jesus loved them and wouldn't give them anything that they couldn't handle!"

I then explained what "someone" who was depressed might hear those statements.  I said that the person, if the person is a person of faith, probably HAS already given it all to God.  The person has probably been praying earnestly that God intercede but has not seen any evidence of  intervention.  So now, the person is hearing confirmation that God does not hear their prayers.  I then explained that the "Jesus won't give you more than you can handle" will also fall flat.  If God is not listening to prayers, Jesus obviously does not care. If Jesus does not care, then Jesus cannot be counted upon to make sure things did not go beyond someone's ability to handle them.

Yes, the woman was trying to help, but without an understanding of the illogical thought process of the depressed person, it just makes things worse.

I would explain that the first thing to do is to acknowledge the feelings of the person.  Acknowledge that the person is feeling overwhelmed.  "But won't that just feed into the person's illness?"  No, it will allow the person to know that you are hearing what they are saying.  It allows the person to know that you are not going to contribute to their problems.  Acknowledging the way the person is feeling allows the person to not feel blamed.  (Blame as in, "This is my fault because I do not love Jesus enough" or whatever.  Blame or trying to fix is not useful at this point.  Actually, blame is never a good thing.)

Next thing is to try to break into the behavior pattern and send it into a different direction.  This is not to tell the person that what he or she is feeling is bad, but to add something to it.  If possible, go walking with the person, get a cup of coffee, something.  Find a way to interfere with the behavior pattern.  At least for me, depression is like a deeply rutted path; it is almost easier to stay in the ruts rather than get out of them.  The ruts allow the person to travel without using a lot of energy. Unfortunately, the ruts will always lead to the same place.  So although it is easier, it is still a bad path.  Getting out of the rut takes some help.  Yesterday, like I said, Nik and I went out walking along the river, antique shopping, having lunch along the river.  Making fun of the Canadians!  (You know, it is 20 degrees colder on the other side of the river.)  And being able to talk.  I was able to tell Nik my fears that my depressed feelings were weighing on him.  He assured me that he was in it for the long haul and that I do not need to worry about him kicking me to the curb.  That reassurance helped to free-up some of my energy so that I could start to work on changing my outlook.

The best thing to do is to just listen and reassure; there is no need to try to fix it.  If you win the person's trust, you will have an opportunity to help, but until then, you are not the person's therapist, just be the person's friend.

Continued Thoughts

Well the reprieve of yesterday seems to have expired.

One of the functioning problems that I find is that I usually like a certain level of background stimulation in my life.  But when I get into funks like this, finding that level is tricky:  I can very  quickly move from optimal level to overstimulated in a very short time.  And the only way I can describe this is to say that the over-stimulation is painful.

Again, at this point, the either/or thinking takes over.  "What if I had a job and had to work?"  "Would I be able to work in the public sphere?"  It is hard to even work on glass, with the litany of "failure," and "you can't do anything right," coursing over my cortex.

So, today becomes a day of doing things to keep moving.  I have some parts of glass that need to be cut, this shouldn't be too difficult.  I have a project that needs to be foiled, that will probably wait.  This may sound counter-intuitive, but the pieces that need to be cut are very large and the pieces that need to be taped are very small.  I don't think I have the wherewithal to deal with the little pieces today.