Monday, June 17, 2013

Too Flawed to Function

Yes, I  am having a "Too Flawed to Function" kind of day.  I feel as if anything I touch will break.  (Thank you Dad for that one.)  I feel totally lost in my head.  I probably need to do something physical; get out of my head.

Whenever I think of something, I begin to contemplate the costs.  At $4/gallon for gas, travel is out.  Getting lost in the woods is difficult in the city.  I see Nik doing things around the house and feel guilty; I should have though of doing those things.  My general demeanor is that I am a waste of skin, space, food, air.

I know that most of this is crazy talk.  But it doesn't seem to help much.

The desire is not so much to die as it is to just remove myself from the time line.  I don't want to upset people.  I know people care about me.  But I see myself as holding people, especially Nik, back.  I feel very much like a taker without adding anything to the system.

I got another bill from the Hospital.  We are approaching $2500 for the kidney stone that is still there.

I hate feeling guilty for having health issues.  Maybe I am subconsciously attempting suicide by heart-attack.

Just how to stop causing pain to those who care about me.

I am turning off comments because I really do not want this to look like some pathetic plea for attention.  I just want to know that someone out there (even if it is only imaginary) heart this.