Saturday, January 12, 2013


NOTE:  I am not sure why I am writing this.  A part of me, I am sure, IS hoping someone can take away the pain.  Another part, thought, is hoping that people will see that depression is more than "just feeling really sad."  My hope is that we might be able to learn that depression is more than just a "moral flaw" or being "lazy and immature."  It is more than "just wanting attention."  My hope is that someone may learn something that will help another as that person struggles.

I am turning off comments.  Not looking to be a drama queen or anything.  Recording my feelings and not wanting any drama.

It is an interesting place to be in life.  As I said before, I am tired of living, but not quite ready to die.  (I have been told that I have enough "ego strength" to get through most situations, I guess I am relying on that.)  The feeling of just drifting is disconcerting.

The facts:  I am not stupid.  I often take things too personally.  I believe that people can make a difference.  I want to believe that people will make the right choice.  (I believe that the "right" choice is the choice I would make!)  I believe we are capable of moving beyond our desire to get "my fair share" and can look at the bigger picture.

I also grew up with a perfectionist father.  He was constantly in search of the "perfect."  Of course, no one ever lives up to perfect.  But in my head, "be perfect" equals "gets dad's love."  So I have "inherited" his perfectionism, and this perfectionism often takes on the immediacy of a small panicked child searching for his parent.

When confronted with inability to reach perfection, this panic become hopelessness and depression.  The world  looks bleak.  The concept of doing anything becomes a losing prospect because it will never be perfect, let alone "good enough."  According to my thought process, I should not try to do anything because there is probably another person that can do it better, and if I am in the situation, I am preventing the more qualified person from fixing everything.

The logical adult knows that this whole thought process is really quite insane; but the panicked child is running around, faster and faster, trying to find dad and getting more an more depressed.  And every rejection just goes to verify that I will never be good enough.

One of my fantasies is to be able to remove myself from the world, kind of like George Bailey.  However, in my scenario, everyone does better without me.  (This would be expected since I "cannot do anything right."  Therefore, if I were not present, then things would be better all around.)  This is not said as a plea for pity, but as a statement of "perceived" fact.  The logic:  I cannot do anything right so if I were not here, I would not be able to ruin things.  I know people care about me and love me, so this makes the removal of myself difficult.  I do not want to inflict pain on these people I love, and I know these people would be hurt if I left (no, "Oh!  Woe is me!"  I know people care about me) but there is definitely a part that wants to tell these people that they WOULD be better off without me.

I guess this could sound like grandiosity.  But isn't the whole George Bailey thing a bit grandiose?  I don't have the chutzpah to think that my life has a whole lot of pull in the grand scheme of things.  I just know that I do not want to hurt those who love me.  THAT is what keeps me going.

On a purely cognitive level, I know that  what I am feeling is irrational, but are those deep seated, childhood-based fears ever rational?