Friday, March 04, 2011

The Dreaded Late-Night Post

It is raining outside, I guess that is appropriate.

It looks like we are going to be moving in with my parents.  Yes, at 46 and 62, we are going to be living in my parents basement.

I am so angry.  I feel betrayed.  I feel shafted.  I don't want to move again.  I don't want to go through all the shit I went through 4 years ago.  I am finally getting my credit repaired and getting my credit rating back up to something respectable.  And this is not my fault!  I feel horrible.

I know Nick is getting sick of moving.  And I am sure he is just loving the idea of moving in with my parents.  I know the why questions are totally unproductive, but WHY?

I know, God will work through this too, but there comes a time when the narrative begins to wear thin.  When it seems that everything in your life breaks when you touch it, you have to wonder:  Is the world that fragile, or are you that big of a klutz?

Sorry about the pity party, but honestly, there has got to be a point where it is realized that the common denominator to all that is happening is me.  Do I bring this stuff on myself?


suz said...

Hey Sweetie! I have asked myself that last question more than once. I seem to be a "catalyst for change" everywhere I work. Rarely good change. Now I'm going to sound all superior here, but bear with me. I, like you, was raised to be honest and to do my best. I have excelled at nearly every job I've had, and the result was that my employers grew to expect more of me AND EVERYBODY ELSE. I couldn't tell you how many part-timers quit and were not replaced because I did their work without complaining. The only field where I was a failure was sales - I'm just not a closer. I'm painfully honest, and I don't like asking for money - I'm one of those damn "givers!" So are you (you can't have changed that much in 25 years.)

Here's my theory: people react strongly to honest and conscientious people. Some of them take advantage because they see us as naive suckers. Some of them are threatened and work to undermine us. And we never see it coming because we don't think that way. We understand it on an intellectual level, but we don't get it. We also don't connive on our own behalf - we're not the best at strategy.

I used to think I was flattering myself with this view, then I got sick. 3 1/2 years ago, when I got hit with this "maybe/maybe not fibromyalgia," I simply COULD NOT perform up to my usual standards. I stopped doing the little extras, and I did the absolute minimum, because that's all I could do. The bosses stopped dumping extra chores on me, and the slackers warmed right up to me. I've been at my current job for 5 1/2 years, by far the longest I've ever kept one position. I perform well, and I have a positive attitude, but I no longer try to fix everything. I no longer share my idealism, I've reined in my enthusiasm. As a result, I no longer get discouraged and disillusioned. I think there's a direct connection between my peaceful, steady employment, and my being less demanding of myself. Does this mean I've compromised my standards? I don't know. Maybe, but I'm content in my work, and I do "fit in" better.

The gist of this rant is that yes, it is possible that you have brought SOME of this on yourself. Because what is good and beautiful in you, might not be great for your career. BUT THAT IS NOT A FLAW! It's just not likely to make you rich.

You'll be alright. The basement thing sucks, but you'll make it work. You have what you need - inside you.

Love you!

Unknown said...

It may be cliche, but I do believe that whenever a door closes, God opens a window - or as Joseph said to his brothers "you meant it for evil; God meant it for good".

When I left in 1988, I had no job, I had no home, but a wife and two young sons. My mother had died within the month. Although my sister had sold my parents' home, she was kind enough to broker a deal with the buyer to allow my family to live in the home while I went out in search for work. In essence we too moved in with my parents. I was 41.
It was tough. It was damn tough, but we trusted and we made it. New doors and windows open that had "not been dreamed of in my philosophy".
May new vistas, new opportunities, new and good fortunes be yours and Nick's!! HUGS!!

Ur-spo said...

I find reading Job helps in matters like this. Perhaps it may be of comfort.