Last Sunday we celebrated the 10th anniversary of my ordination. All in all, it was a good thing. They had a cake for me and we had a pot luck. But with anniversaries, there also comes "THOSE" feelings.
I have been thinking about all the excitement and dreams of that Ben, ten years ago. Ten years ago, I was straight. (Yeah, right!) Ten years ago, I was going to be heading to Northern Michigan. Ten years ago, I was ready to conquer the world! Ten years ago I weighed 180 lbs!
If I knew what I was going to go through, would I do it? Would I still have put my life on hold and go majorly in debt for this? I wish I could say, "Sure! I would do this! I would do it all again with no questions asked." But to be truthful, I would have to ask a lot of questions. I would have to ask if it really is worth the frustration, pain, and anxiety. And right now, I cannot say that the answer would be, "Yes."
I am not sure the personal cost is worth it. In other jobs, there is the ability to "go home" but when people can call at almost any hour, you can't really leave. In other jobs you have a supervisor you have to answer to. When everyone in your congregation feels like they are your boss, it makes for a ton of stress.
And then I hear that the ELCA is brining pastors back. I would like to think that I am happy where I am and that I am happy to have gotten out, but I would be lying. I miss the ELCA. I miss the more laid-back attitude. that is there. And although I am appreciative to have had the ECUSA take me in, I still miss the ELCA. It is difficult.
I think another thing that gets in my way is I am an idealist. And it is very hard to live in a world that you know will never live up to your vision of it. It is difficult to know that the vision you see will only stay that.
The realist in me says I should just get over it and move on. But the idealist doesn't want to let it go. A definite case where "The Perfect" is the enemy of "The Good."
Probably more later.
3 comments:
Your thoughts speak my own. My mind goes back to my 180-lb self of 45 years ago. Were I to have had then the clarity of the present now, I would have ventured a much different path. But then I wonder if that road would have also brought me to the same place.
Happy Anniversary!
I think that when you sign up to do the Lord's work, you never know what you're going to get for you never know what God wants you to do. What if He said " I want you to go live in a crappy neighborhood with a crappy job so that you will be the one sane light to shine as an example?"
I sense it would be a disappointment.
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