Every metaphor I think of has to do with drowning. The most vivid involves swimming toward the surface of the water and seeing the light ahead. And although the light can be seen, your lungs are burning and you can't hold your breath any longer. Salvation is just ahead but you cannot hold on any longer. So you take a breath and fill your lungs with water and sink to the bottom.
My father once told me that I could not do anything right and that everything I touch I break. I know these words were said in anger, but they still haunt me. It feels like I am destined to go through life breaking things and destroying what is around me. Why can't I just go with the flow and be a happy Doobee?
I want to trust that God is in this and that I can just put my faith in God. I want to believe that this will turn out well. But I can also see this failing miserably. I am so scared.
Nick is a good man and said he would stick beside me, but why should he have to go through all of this crap? He didn't sign on for this.
I am just trying to become exhausted enough so I can pass out. Sleep is eluding me. And I have a sermon to write.
To quote John Mellencamp: "Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone."
I am not quite ready for life to be over, but the luster has sure gone off of it.
2 comments:
I'm sorry things are looking so bleak.
I am a mess. I make a mess. I break things. Tonight I shaved a piece of my knuckle off with a small hatchet while trying to make small pieces of wood even smaller. I once tried to clean up a small spill on the kitchen floor and ended up breaking the mop and spreading the mess over half the kitchen. This is typical of me. It's frustrating. But you know what? There are many things that I do very well. And even though I make a mess and break things, I am still loved.
I've only just found your blog, though I've seen your comments on other blogs we both frequent. I don't know much about you, but I strongly suspect that you do many things very well. You have your specialties. I get the impression that you are loved, also. {this is the part where my former pastor would say something about the wonders of God's grace. Since you're more spiritually inclined than I am these days, I'll let you fill in those Grace messages}
Sleep is a good idea. You'll likely feel better after you get some sleep.
Your feelings are understandable. I can only hope that Light will break through onto your world soon.
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