Every metaphor I think of has to do with drowning. The most vivid involves swimming toward the surface of the water and seeing the light ahead. And although the light can be seen, your lungs are burning and you can't hold your breath any longer. Salvation is just ahead but you cannot hold on any longer. So you take a breath and fill your lungs with water and sink to the bottom.
My father once told me that I could not do anything right and that everything I touch I break. I know these words were said in anger, but they still haunt me. It feels like I am destined to go through life breaking things and destroying what is around me. Why can't I just go with the flow and be a happy Doobee?
I want to trust that God is in this and that I can just put my faith in God. I want to believe that this will turn out well. But I can also see this failing miserably. I am so scared.
Nick is a good man and said he would stick beside me, but why should he have to go through all of this crap? He didn't sign on for this.
I am just trying to become exhausted enough so I can pass out. Sleep is eluding me. And I have a sermon to write.
To quote John Mellencamp: "Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone."
I am not quite ready for life to be over, but the luster has sure gone off of it.