Tuesday, April 11, 2006

More of the coming out process. The whole process started here.

Hey Bill,

Couldn't sleep so I thought I would try dumping my thoughts and see if that helps.

I find it interesting how I have been trying to convince myself that I am the same person I have always been. That this "revelation" has not changed me. But it has. It has ... Well, it has caused me to rethink who I am and how I function in the world. I hate that thought that the kids that tormented me by calling me "fag" all of my life may be right. I guess it is like a pendulum; right now it is swinging in the gay direction but hopefullly it will return to neutral and allow me to just be me. I want to get to the position again of thinking of myself as Benton not as Gay Benton.

How do I tell this to my family? (the eternally difficult question) I have never even had sex with a man so technically I am not gay even though this is just a technicality. I have been living on the hope of that technicality all of my life it seems.

You know, they talk about how kids aren't sexual, but I remember being intreagued by the bulges in the jumpsuits of the men on Star Trek when I was a kid. It stands out as something that drew my attention. I may be attributing cause after the fact thought.

Maybe I can get some sleep. Long day tomorrow. We have a program with the neighborhood kids that lasts until 8 pm so it is a full day. I also meet with my shrink tomorrow too. Hopefully that time will be productive.

Thanks and good night.



I hope this helped, and hope you had a productive day and a good appointment.

As far as telling your family ... I've never heard of a better way than just building your courage and telling them. You'll definitely be surprised by the result, and the fallout may be difficult. I think you may want to be clear and honest with yourself first, before bringing your family into it. That's just me, you may handle it in a totally different way.

As for not being gay because you've never had sex with a man ... that's like saying a heterosexual virgin isn't a heterosexual yet. If you're gay, you're gay. You just haven't acted on it yet. I think the Star Trek comment may go to show it, maybe not. Hindsight does tend to be 20/20, after all. But I'm also hearing a tone that maybe you're trying to talk yourself out of being gay. I'm not sure that will work, and I don't think you'd be struggling with this as much as you obviously are if you weren't. I continue to pray that God gives your strength and guidance on your journey of self-discernment.



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