One of the biggest homophobes I know is me.
I read a survey somewhere that said that something like 74% of the homosexual people asked would not want to be het if there were given the opportunity. Unfortunately, I am one of that minority. At least at this moment, if I could be heterosexual I would be heterosexual. Let's face it, our world favors heterosexuality. So even though it may be "easier" to be heterosexual in the world, I have finally come to the realization that I will never be heterosexual.
I guess part of my homophobia comes from the whole gay stereotypes. (I am going to focus on gay because that is the world that I live in. I don't know what it is like to be a lesbian, sorry.) I am afraid people will see me as a stereotype. I am afraid people will assume that what they see on TV or in the movies is immediately applicable to me.
Of course, the things that I am afraid people are thinking of me are the stereotypes that I carry around in my head. I have to look at my fears and then question how I am pigeon-holing other people. What stereotypes am I imposing on others that are not very fair?
This morning, as I was trying to not get out of bed, my two cats were lying there on the bed. When I started to stir, Claudia looked up and walked toward my face to "meow" me "good morning." She then plopped down and started purring. She doesn't care who I love. She doesn't care who I share my bed with (as long as there is some room for her). She couldn't care less about all those things that our world holds dear. She, and my other cat, Madeline, just want to be near me.
Why can't I be like my cats? Why must I judge people, judge myself? Why can't I just be happy the people I care about are awake and stirring? Why can't I just allow people to be, even if "to be" just means they are a comfortable place to nap?
My cats don't care. Why do I? Why do we?
5 comments:
Sometimes you have to wonder which are really the higher beings.
I would argue that being gay gives your ministry a component of compassion it wouldn’t have with out you being gay. Empathy can only take you so far, but having the experience of someone outside looking in is invaluable. It’s a gift not a handicap.
You’ll find your place and what feels comfortable for you there is room for all of us.
I remember struggling with similar feelings early in the process of coming out. That is now a quarter century ago. I have found these feelings fade over time, to the point where I now can't find traces of them remaining. I think that a lot of the fading can be attibuted to the satisfaction that I take from my accomplishments as an out gay man.
Cute kitties.
i can't remember, but I think i posted some response today. What a day I've had.
ALl I can recall about the entry was that my cat is named Claudius.
Please discard this if I have already babbled....
I feel this way too. My theory is a lot of it is still struggling with acceptance of yourself as gay. As long as feel you don't want to be gay, you'll always be hard on yourself...part of this is a cross between what you are and what you believe (i.e. deep inside, you believe it can be changed or that this is still possibly a choice for you.) Time will make it more obvious to you that this is how it is.
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