Too Flawed to Function

Yes, I  am having a "Too Flawed to Function" kind of day.  I feel as if anything I touch will break.  (Thank you Dad for that one.)  I feel totally lost in my head.  I probably need to do something physical; get out of my head.

Whenever I think of something, I begin to contemplate the costs.  At $4/gallon for gas, travel is out.  Getting lost in the woods is difficult in the city.  I see Nik doing things around the house and feel guilty; I should have though of doing those things.  My general demeanor is that I am a waste of skin, space, food, air.

I know that most of this is crazy talk.  But it doesn't seem to help much.

The desire is not so much to die as it is to just remove myself from the time line.  I don't want to upset people.  I know people care about me.  But I see myself as holding people, especially Nik, back.  I feel very much like a taker without adding anything to the system.

I got another bill from the Hospital.  We are approaching $2500 for the kidney stone that is still there.

I hate feeling guilty for having health issues.  Maybe I am subconsciously attempting suicide by heart-attack.

Just how to stop causing pain to those who care about me.

I am turning off comments because I really do not want this to look like some pathetic plea for attention.  I just want to know that someone out there (even if it is only imaginary) heart this.

Thoughts on Pride Weekend

Me at Pride!  (I am the second from the left!)

Went to Pride this weekend.  Actually, it felt like I lived at Pride this weekend!  (I was there from before the gates opened until almost closed, daily.) And being there as a person of faith had its positive aspects and its negative.  I will say that I think the positive aspects greatly outweighed the negative.  

One of the things that I love about Pride is the attitude of acceptance that is found.  Me, a dumpy bear can stand next to some hot guys in underwear and have my picture taken.  (Or, to quote from "Hello Dolly," "Have our picture took.")  But it was not just the hot guys in underwear, it was the people who were in drag (both male and female) or the ones who just felt the freedom to cross-dress if they wanted to.  It was the people feeling safe enough and open enough to say, "I am rare and precious and deserve to be valued just like a gem or work of art."  It was just a lot of fun.

It was also people of faith being present with the Atheists.  It was being able to have a conversation that says something more than, "God hates you and you are damned."  It was a situation where (aspects of) the Church were able to affirm that we come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and predilections, but God still loves us!  I wish we could get this more in our congregations; I think this is what Christ would have us do.

I have been careful not to post the above photo on Facebook for fear of some of my more "Churchy" friends being offended.  I would like to think that they would be offended by my obvious disregard for the sin of gluttony, but the offense would more likely be to the protruding body parts of my associates.  This is sad.  It shows that double standards still exist in society.  If I were standing among three bikini-clad ladies, some eyebrows may be raised, but not much more.  But because we are dealing with the male physique, we need to be offended.  Humm....

What I found negative was the lack of presence by some major main-line denominations.  For all the talk of the Episcopal Church and the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America being open and accepting, there was no presence.  Amid the Metropolitan Community Church presences, there was United Church of Christ, Methodists, CATHOLICS!!, Unitarians, and Non-Denominationals, TEC and ELCA were not there.  Considering they have both been making strides toward acceptance (especially TEC with its acceptance of trans people in the role of ordained clergy) it would seem that their presence at Pride would be a no brainer. That no church was present from either denomination was inexcusable.

Also what was missing was a faith presence from the traditionally African-American churches.  The number of (forgive me, I will use the term "Black" because it is easier to type!) black folks at Pride was wonderful!  But if any of these people were looking for someone who looked like them among the affirming community, they would have had a futile search.

While I found things to be excited about in the faith communities present, I also see that an opportunity to reach out was wasted.

Not to end this on a bummer, I was so happy to see that the screaming Bible-thumpers were not present.  I was also happy to see the the "I'm Sorry" folks were there.  (If you are not familiar with the "I'm Sorry" folks, they present a counter to the screamers, apologizing for the pain that has been inflicted in the name of Christianity.)

All in all, it was a good thing.  I just wish more straight people could see all these "scary" gay people just having some fun.  I also wish they could let their defenses down long enough to dance in the sun, appreciate the artistry of a Drag King or Queen, cheer the freedom to allow one's actual self to shine through, and to be outrageous for no other reason than to be outrageous!  We really need to do that more often!

Funeral Postmortem

Sorry it has been a while.

It has been almost two months since my dad died.

I really don't know what to think about the whole situation.  I know that I should give people a break at times like this, but I also know that people tend to let their true feelings slip when they don't have the energy to "play nice."

What I find really sad is that it would appear that my family, both close and more extended, are of the assumption that I never consider anyone else in my actions.  That anything that I do is for a selfish intent.  I was told that I put things on Facebook so I could get people to feel sorry for me.  I asked for prayers because I was uncaring.  It was  not considered that I was a clergy person asking for some assistance.  No, I was bad.

We were able to make it through the funeral, but things have not changed.  I have tried to contact my sister and she has never returned my calls. I just really want to tell her, "You know I will always love you, but let's just quit trying to pretend you like me.  I will quit trying to get you to like me and you can just avoid me."

I really do not want to go back "home" anymore.  I am tired of the bull.

Also, sorry for the downer.  I seem to write in my blog more when I am depressed.

Eight Months Left.

A little Christmasy photo from my hometown.

I so co-dependent my family

I have heard it said that God gives us family so we can learn to deal with people we don't like.  I am believing this is true.  Right about now, I want to take my family and just tell them all to go to hell.

My Dad has been in frail condition for many years.  He has had four heart attacks, two open heart surgeries, and a host of other surgeries/illnesses.  He is also three weeks shy of his 92nd birthday.

Nick and I were planning to visit my family this past week.  We were going to make a quick pass through since we would be near.  Just before we got there, my Dad fell and ended up in the hospital.  I posted a statement in Facebook asking for prayers.  Next thing I know, I am getting yelled at by my older sister about blabbing this to the whole world and I need to stop.  Seems she had not told her son that his grandfather was in the hospital and not doing so well.  Of course it was my fault that he read it first on FB.

Then my Dad was having more problems and I asked for prayers (making sure I blocked my nephew, his wife, and my sister).  The next day (today) my younger sister is yelling at me for making Mom upset because her sisters (my aunts) were calling wondering what was happening.  And again, it was my fault for asking for prayers.  "How dare you only think of yourself.  Can't you see how you are hurting mom?"

Of course, some of you may remember how I was going to "Kill Dad."  No matter what I did, I was going to "Kill Dad!"  Now I guess I am also going to "Kill Mom!"

I hate the double-bind:  I am accused of not doing anything because I live 500 miles away, but when I try to do something, I am accused of being selfish and uncaring.

I know that emotional cut-off is not a good thing, but I am also tired of being the dumping ground for my family's anxiety.  I am afraid for my Dad, but I am treated as if I only care about me.  I don't know if I can even talk to my Mom because of all the "harm" my sisters say I have done.  I just want to tell them to keep their drama to themselves.  I just want to say to my younger sister, "You have never liked me, why don't we just quite the charade?  You can just ignore me and I will quite trying to get you to like me.  It will just be better in the long run."

How to remove oneself from the situation without making the situation worse.

Every time I interact with my family, I get the feeling that they would rather not have me around.  And yet, when I make myself scarce, I am attacked for not caring.  Crazy making at it's finest!

Nine Months!

AKA ~ "Holy Horizontal Mambo Day"

The Poor Will Always be With You

John 12:1-8

There has been something that has really been driving me crazy as of late.  It seems that the new group to pick on is the poor.  I see petitions floating around talking about how all people who receive welfare should have to take drug tests.  Even when it is pointed out that the majority of people who take drugs are not on welfare, this has no impact.  Even when it is shown that it cost more to test people than what is saved by denying benefits to those who test positive, the excuse is that the tests just need to be made cheaper because we KNOW that THOSE people are on drugs.  Or when we come up with plans to help the unemployed, the response is that the people should just get off their duffs and get a job.  And I wonder why there is such a mean attitude to those who are in need.  The usual response is, “I work for my money, so should they!”

Yeah, the poor will always be with us.  And since they will always be with us, what is the use of doing anything to help them.  And besides, shouldn’t they be going out and helping themselves?  God helps those who help themselves!  (Actually, that is no from the Bible at all, it is from The Poor Richard’s Almanac.)

Still, in our gospel reading for today, we have Jesus saying these exact words, “you always have the poor with you…”  It sounds kind of like a slap in the face of Judas.  Judas was commenting on how the money for the perfume could have been spent to help the poor.  This sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it?  But then Jesus comes back with this smack:  You should spend the money on me (that would be Jesus) because those poor people will always be with you.  You can feed them tomorrow or whenever.  And I will grant you, Jesus’ words are a smack to Judas, but not for the reasons we normally assume.

Being a good Jewish boy, (and definitely before our age of distraction), Judas would have been familiar with the law.  He would have been familiar with what was written in Deuteronomy.  He would have known that what Jesus said was a reference to Deuteronomy 15.  And he would have known that his plan to steal the money had been recognized for what it was; not a plan to help the poor, but a plan to line his own pockets.

To understand this, we need to look at Deuteronomy 15.  Deuteronomy 15 DOES say that the poor will always be with us, but it is not a statement of resignation.  What it is, though, is an indictment on how we live.  The people are told that the land they will be given by God is a land of abundance.  And in the face of this abundance, there should be no hunger or poverty.  We are to be truly loving and generous. We are to share our God-give abundance and, as such, prevent poverty from ever entering the land.  But the quote says that the poor will always be with us.  Again, this is not that God makes poor people, but we are NOT be generous and loving.  We will NOT share the abundance we find.  We will keep the abundance for ourselves and come up with excuses as to why the others are lacking.  We are presented with a real possibility end hunger and poverty, but the statement of resignation is that we will continue to practice our selfish ways while shifting the blame to others.

And lest we think this is just some past thing, not something that applies to us today; since 2001, the US has spent more than $1.4 trillion dollars on wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  This could have bought groceries for 660 million people in the US for one year, not to mention what it could have done for those in other parts of the world.  Yes, at this rate, the poor will always be with us.

So when Judas says that the money for the perfume Mary is putting on Jesus’ feet could be given to the poor, Jesus’ response is a smack to Judas, saying, “It could help the poor, but you would never use it for that.”

It may seem weird that I would be talking to you here, this morning, in Statesalvania, State, about what is spent on war, but unless we talk about it, and do something about it, it is not going to change.  It is easy to say that we are too old to do anything, or that we are just one person.  But we don’t get off that easy.  The new pope, Pope Francis, is 77 years old.  The Catholic Church must assume that older folks are capable of something!  And what about Mother Teresa?  She was one person who made a lot of difference!  And Gandhi:  When he started he was both one person AND old!  We are capable of making a difference!  To say “we can’t” says more about our faith in God than in God’s ability in the world.

So Jesus is smacking Judas for trying to look all holy when, in fact, Jesus knew that Judas intended to keep money; but what are we to make of the “but you do not always have me” part?  I couldn’t find anything in the commentaries about this part, so I will venture a guess:  Even if we don’t want to help the people around us because God has blessed us so richly, we should be helping others because in doing so we worship Christ.

Christ is saying that it is okay for us to lavish affection onto Christ.  And that we in fact NEED to do this because Christ will not always be with us.  So, if we believe that Christ lives in each of us, because of our baptism, then we NEED to be lavishing affection upon each other because we do not know how long this person will be with us!  Instead of calling each other lazy or foolish, or prodigal (remember last week??!?), we should be looking for ways to show love, honor, and respect to all the people we meet.  Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all followed this?  Can you imagine what the world would be like if even a simple majority followed this?  What a different would we would have!

My challenge for you for the rest of Lent is to not look at the poor and needy as the takers of society, but to see the spark of Christ within them.  I challenge you to follow the example of Mary and lavish them with love and affection.  I challenge you to not think of it as giving to the poor but as worshiping our Savior.  Will this be easy?  No.  Will we want to do it?  I don’t know, quite possibly not.  But we are called to share the abundance we have been given, and we are called to do it while we still have Christ among us.