Saturday, April 30, 2011

A Touch o' Depression

I am feeling kind of weird. I usually would be worrying about worship tomorrow. But since the church has closed, I am sitting here watching “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and doing a whole lot of nothing. I guess it is ok to be doing a whole lot of nothing.

I have been thinking about what has been happening. I have been playing scenarios through my head of what is going to happen. What has been happening with my life and where my life may be going?

I have gained a lot of insights into myself over this past year; the problem is that I don’t know how to deal with the insights. I have gown to know how I function and have begun to learn how to work WITH myself instead of trying to force myself into some kind of preconceived notion. The problem is that I get down thinking that my way of functioning doesn’t seem to work with the rest of the world. And having to work with groups of people, I sometimes just get baffled.

I also never seem to be able to just let things be. I always have to try to figure out what is causing the behavior. Why do people listen to Donald Trump? Why do people go to Fire-and-Brimstone churches? Why are people so quick to hate? What would it be like to think NASCAR and Bud Lite are the recipe for a “Kick Ass Weekend”?

I am dealing with the realization that the dreams that I had a year ago are not going to come to pass. The church I had hoped to find is not this one.

We just moved everything from storage back to the apartment. I should be happy about that. But I do not know what I am supposed to be feeling. It is nice to know that we will be in the same place for a while longer; moving is such a drag. But the whole clergy thing is not turning out anything like I had anticipated. I would go on to something else, but I don’t know what I would do. And although the idea of a life of leisure sound good, I know that would get boring.

I seem to get easily bored with life.

Oh well, enough bummer for now.

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