Free Flowing Axiety?

I truly have to ask what I am doing here. Whenever I think about going to church, I start to panic. I do not want to set foot in the place. There is a sense of dread that comes over me. I go into avoidant mode.


For the most part, I care about the people here. Even the ones who are a pain I wish no ill-will. Truly, I don’t! But I still do not want to come into the office and deal with the stress of this place.

Maybe it is me; maybe the stress I am feeling is all in my head. I don’t know. I do know that I spend the majority of my time not wanting to be here instead of looking forward to being around my congregation. All I want to do is escape. I don’t want to do anything because it is going to cause a problem. But yet these people are looking to me to lead. But when I do lead I get nothing (it seems) but resistance.

Of course, I know that this is all natural. I know that people will resist. I know that no matter what I do, someone is going to have something to say. I know this. But I still am too thin-skinned to deal with it. The “Rose-Colored Glasses” part of me just can’t understand how all of this can be seen in any other manner. I all just makes sense!

I am also saddened by peoples’ theologies. All that I see are people being held captive to their idea of a vengeful and hateful god. All the “haves” and “musts” that are involved. What ever happened to “gift” and “love?” Where is the caring and concern? How can these people believe in a God that is so petty? If this is what they are viewing as God, then I can understand how come the church isn’t growing.

But still, the fundamentalist churches are presenting an even pettier god and they are growing exponentially! Either it is the “Entertaining Ourselves to Death” or it is the “We are better than them because we are SOOOOO good.” Or, maybe God is just an artifact of our neuroanatomy and that is all there is to it.