Easter Sermon

This is kind of a weird day here at St. Swithin’s.  I am sure there are a ton of conflicting emotions going on out there.  If you are a visitor with us today, I hope you are feeling the joy of the risen Christ in your life.  But I am sure there are also feelings of sadness, anger, possibly betrayal, and maybe even abandonment.  All kinds of feelings out there.  But if we think about it, would this be all that different from the feelings that disciples would have been feeling on that first Easter morning?

The disciples would have been in shock.  They probably would have been wondering what had happened.  They had followed a very charismatic leader and were out to change the world.  They had given up jobs, lives, and families to follow this man.  They had a promise; this teacher claimed to be the Messiah, the one sent by God.  This leader was to be the great leader in the line of David!  But on that first Easter, the disciples were not jumping up and down, telling the world of the resurrection, they were confused.  They were huddled together wondering what they were going to do now that their leader was gone and it looked like they were going to be the next ones to be pursued.

For me, this may be the first Easter where I can truly feel the sense of “What now?” that must have been going through the disciples’ heads.  Last year, I was shouting “He is risen!” to the rafters, but this year, there doesn’t seem to be that assurance.  Tombs seem to be closing up more than opening up.  Our building is becoming more and more empty as the various items gathered over the years are removed.  The life of the congregation is slowing down rather than ramping up.  Spring seems to be a sign of the end rather than a sign of a new beginning.  For those of you who have been here since the congregation was established, this sense of “what now?” may probably be even stronger.  For you, this may have been the only church home you knew.  So the sense of loss, fear, and unknowing could be very strong.  In our world, we know the story of Easter and we celebrate Christ’s resurrection.  But on that first Easter morning, the resurrection was not a sure thing.  This sense of unknowing would have been the experience of those early Christians on that first Easter morning.  “What now?  What is going to become of us?  What should we do?”

At times like this, we can become like Mary.  We can get so caught up in the events circling around us that we loose our bearings.  When Mary was at the tomb, that first Easter morning, she was talking to Jesus but she failed to recognize him.  She was upset about what she found, and in her distress, she wasn’t able to see that Christ was standing right there, right next to her.

Often, we are so wrapped up in the events of our life, our world, our congregation that WE are not able to see Christ standing right next to us or to hear Christ’s voice in our heart.  Life, in general, can get in our way.  Our daily life so often seem to be full of stressors that can pull us away from listening to the speaking of the Holy Spirit in our lives.  And when we add additional, unexpected stressors, we can become more distracted, more pulled.

Just a few days ago, Frank Gorshen and I were talking.  We were talking about how this Lent has been quite different from past years.  I had also mentioned how it really didn’t seem like Easter could be here.  Frank said that the whole thing had a very surrealistic quality.  I would have to agree with him.  It has been surrealistic.  When we approach Easter we are supposed to be preparing for celebrations not for closures.  What we are experiencing is not what we would be expecting.  And since it is not what we would expect, we may have difficulty seeing what is going on.

Mary was confused.  She was not expecting to see Jesus, he had died.  She was not expecting to encounter the risen Christ; that would have just been beyond comprehension.  So we should not be surprised that Mary did not recognize Jesus on that morning.  The concept of the risen Christ would have been beyond her comprehension.

And Mary stays confused until Christ calls her; says her name.  When Mary hears Christ speak her name, she suddenly comes to the realization who is calling her.  She comes to the realization that what seems impossible is, in fact, possible!  When Mary is called, she is then able to see clearly.

As we move forward, we need to keep our eyes open, but more importantly, we need to keep our hearts open.  What is Christ asking of us this Easter morning?  What may we be looking at, directly, but not seeing because it is not what we are expecting?  What may we be missing because we cannot get our minds around what is happening?

We also need to remember that even though we may be lost, confused, scared, or whatever, that we have knowledge that the disciples did not have.  We know that Christ did indeed rise from the dead.  We know that the promises that were made to the disciples were, in fact, fulfilled.  We know that the expectation that the disciples had did in fact come to be.  This group of disillusioned, down-trodden, scared people would be the seeds that start a movement that will change the world.  We know that what looked like death to this group would become a source of life and vitality.  We know this, because we are here this morning.  What looked like it might have been the death of the church even before it started is not what has happened.

Granted, we are looking at the closing of our congregation, but I also would like to think that we are seeing a promise:  Just as the disciples may have thought Christ’s death was their end mission, we may see our closing as the end of our mission.  But also, just as Christ wasn’t finished with the disciples, Christ is not finished with us!

Last night, our Bishop, and rector of this congregation, talked about finding life in the celebration of Easter.  He talked about how Mary went to the tomb expecting to find death, but what she found was life!  We may think we come to church this morning expecting to find death, but because we are followers of Christ, we need to count on finding life!  Christ is alive!  And because Christ is alive, we will find life too!

Easter Bunny is Gone! Here Comes Santa!! 8 Months to Go!

Happy Easter!

Be AFRAID!

Palm Sunday

Hosanna!  Hosanna!  The crowds were cheering!  Jesus was coming and the people were excited!  The Messiah was coming into the city!  Hosanna!

That is the way the service started.  Shouts of Hosanna!  We start with joy and happiness.  Isn’t it great when things are new?  When things are new, there are all kinds of expectations.  Isn’t it great when you just start that new job?  There is all the anticipation.  The possibilities, the promise!  Do you remember those days of early romance?  There is so much wonder about what the future might hold in store.  Or getting a new car.  The smell, the promises, the not letting ANYONE eat or drink anything in it!  When things are new, the future is full of possibilities just waiting for us to grab them.  When things are new, we are excited just because of all the things that might be.

But all too soon in our story, the crowd goes from shouting, “Hosanna!” to shouting, “Crucify him!”  The mood of joy and anticipation becomes a mood of annoyance and anger.  How could that be?  How could shouts of praise as Jesus enters Jerusalem on Sunday become cries of condemnation before Pilate on Thursday?  Praise and admiration on Sunday, hatred and loathing on Thursday.  The mood of the crowd quickly becomes ugly.

I think we can also understand this change in feeling.  We are all excited about the new job is wonderful and the paycheck is great but, boy, the new boss is really quite a jerk. We love that wonderful girl or guy, but it would be nice if they didn’t have bad breath and would learn to scoop the cat box.  And the new car is wonderful until we start putting gas in the thing and find how much more we are going to have to pay in insurance. The great possibilities the future seems holds start to dissolve in the troubles of daily life.  We were once all happy and excited at the beginning, but now we are just trying to get through.  Now we are just trying to live life with as little pain as possible.

The people in the bible wanted a messiah whom they expected was going to come in and save them.  They wanted a messiah who was going to take care of them.  They wanted a messiah who was going to promise them a future that would contain everything they wanted.  And when Jesus entered into Jerusalem, this was this messiah the people were greeting.  When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the messiah as Santa Clause was who they lauded.  When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the messiah as personal sugar daddy was who the people thought was riding in on the colt.

But things were to change.  By the end of the week, the people were disillusioned.  This messiah wasn’t just going to give the people everything they wanted.  This messiah had some expectations.  This messiah was not going to settle with the status quo, this messiah was expecting change.  Now granted, the people wanted change, but they wanted THEIR kind of change.  But the reality of the changes was not what people were searching for.  Jesus was ushering in a new world and the people were not quit ready for that.

When new things start in our lives, we are excited.  But soon enough the realities of life takes over and things start going in ways we may not want.  Soon things start to diverge from how we would plan.  Soon the ups we were feeling become the downs.  When life changes from what we expected, how will we respond?  When the world we find is different than the world we had planned, what will we do?

We see many different ways of responding in our gospel reading and I am guessing we have all used these various ways at one time or other.

Maybe we responded as Peter did.  When things get down, we lose our faith entirely.  We deny that we know Jesus.  We go out and follow the pressure of the crowd and pretend that Jesus has no place in our life.

Another way we may act is to be like the first criminal.  We may taunt Jesus when things are not going well.  We may want to say to Jesus, “Well, you got me into this situation, now what are you going to do to get me out of it?”  We want Jesus to come and rescue us from the situation that is before us.

Or we may act like the women and just stand back and wait.  We may just watch life and assume that something will happen.  We may assume that God has a purpose for all of this and we really don’t want to go against God’s plan.

Unfortunately, each of these ways only works to increase the pain of Jesus.  When we act like Peter, we increase Jesus’ pain by abandoning Jesus.  We increase Jesus’ pain by turning away from him.  When we follow the way of Peter, we throw away the possible comfort we may find in Jesus.

In the same way, when we follow the example of the criminal we increase Jesus pain by ignoring the gifts Jesus has already given to us.  And when we follow the example of the women, we increase Jesus’ pain by not doing anything to help the situation.

But we also have examples of how we could respond to adversity.  Simon of Cyrene helped in adversity by carrying the cross of Jesus.  Joseph of Aramathea gave by sacrificing of his treasures to provide a tomb for Jesus.  And the second criminal recognized that the predicament that the criminals found themselves in was not the fault of Jesus but was their own fault.

By following these examples, we can learn to move from blaming Jesus and God for our situations.  We can move beyond focusing on ourselves, and move toward helping others.  We can move beyond ignoring Jesus when things get difficult and remember to keep our faith in Jesus.

Now these sound like a good things and they are good things.  It sounds good to move beyond ourselves and to hold fast in faith.  It is a good thing to trust in Jesus and put our faith in God.  These are good things to do and we may be able to do this for a time.  It sounds good to reach out to others when we are in the midst of our problems.  But let’s face it; we are humans.  There will be times when we are going to be the ones who abandon Jesus.  There will be times when we go from shouting “Hosanna!” to screaming, “Crucify Him!”  There will be times in our life when our actions will cause pain to Jesus.

So when we fall short, Jesus just abandons us, right?  WRONG!  If we listen to Jesus dying words we find nothing but love.  Jesus doesn’t say, “Hey God, take care of these fools!  They didn’t understand so just damn them Hell.”  No.  Jesus says, “Father forgive them.”  Even while being crucified, Jesus is praying for those that are doing the killing.  Jesus is not looking for revenge or thinking about himself, Jesus is praying for those who were shouting to crucify him and just don’t get it!

And Jesus is praying for us too.  Quite often we are the ones who “know not what we do.”  We are the ones that cannot see Jesus as savior and deny him.  We are the ones that just sit back and watch and wait.  When Jesus prays for forgiveness, he is praying for forgiveness for us!  Jesus goes to the cross knowing that he will be abandoned and mocked.  Jesus knows, but still he goes to the cross.  Jesus knows but still he prays.  Jesus knows and still seeks forgiveness.  Jesus prays for forgiveness from the cross for both the people of Biblical times and for us.  That is pretty powerful. 

As we approach Holy Week, keep in mind that often in our life, we will go from shouting “Hosanna!” to screaming “Crucify Him!”  Often we will deny Jesus.  Often we will abandon Jesus and claim that Jesus has abandoned us.  We will fall short.  But even when we fall short, even when we turn away for Jesus, Jesus does not turn away from us.  We may not be able to see the way in the midst of life, but we can rely on the fact that God is still sovereign.  We can know that Jesus prays to God for our forgiveness even though we know not what we do.

The troubles in life won’t go away.  We will go from hosanna to crucify him.  We will fall short.  But through Christ, we are not alone.  Through Good Friday, we get to Easter.  Through the gift of Jesus we attain eternal life.

Wrestler

I think he is happy he won!

Sleepless in the Suburbs

I am still dealing with the "damned if you do and damned if you don't" dilemma:  Of course there is the parents' birthdays.  There is something about going to my sisters wooded acreage for a picnic.  This sounds nice other than the fact that this is the sister that told me to quit being a child and that I never connect with my family.  Just what I want to do is spend all day with them drinking and whooping it up and knowing that my sister thinks I am immature, spoiled and self-centered.  Sounds like a great was to celebrate some birthdays.

Then there is my nephew/godson's wedding.  Again, if we don't show up, we are jerks, but we get to drive two days to the wedding to just sit there and not interact with anyone.

Maybe I am being childish

I really should be able to get over this, but it is right there and it hurts.

The stuff with the family continues.

I talk with my mom and I say things are going crazy here, and no question of how I am doing.  I told her we found a place to live, and no question of where.  No question about future calls.

I get accused of not involving my family in things, but yet when I speak with them, when I bring up anything that is going on here, I just get the brush off.  I try sharing good things and I am brushed off, I try to share troubles and I am brushed off.  We had visitors to the church today who were more interested in my future than my family seems.

My Dad is going to be 90 on May 8, my Mom is going to be 80 on May 22, and I called my sister to ask if there was anything happening.  She never did get back to me.  Nic and I are planning on just going and saying "screw you" to the rest.

I guess I feel let down.  I guess I always thought that family were supposed to be the people you could count on.  I just really feel abandoned.  I don't want to keep putting myself into situations where I will be hurt, but I don't want to cut myself off or become a drama queen.

Arrrggg....

The Raising of Lazarus (Incomplete sermon)

“Take away the stone.”

Has there been a more frightening commandment?  “Take away the stone!”

You may not think this is a frightening command, but that is because we are looking at this story through the lens of 2000 years of familiarity.  But if we were there, standing in front of the tomb, these words must have been not only scary, but offensive and revolting.

Having anything to do with a dead body was a major social taboo in Biblical times.  Touching a dead body would make you ritually unpure.  And, of course, there was the desecration of the tomb; once the body was laid in the tomb; it was not to be disturbed.   So when Jesus told the people to take away the stone, he was probably triggering all kinds of discomfort in those around him.

And the people let Jesus know that this was not something they wanted to be part of.  They told Jesus that the body was in the tomb, now, for four days.  In the heat of the desert, we can be pretty sure that a body in a tomb for four days would have become pretty rank.  No embalming would have been used.  So just from an esthetic point of view, taking the stone away would have been disgusting.

But don’t we act similarly when the stones in our lives are threatened to be removed?  We don’t like to have those stones removed.  Like the stone over the mouth of the tomb, the stones in our lives are there for a purpose.  Just like the stone over the tome kept the stink from flowing out into the world, the stones in our life keep the stink of our deep, dark secrets from flowing out into our daily lives.  And no matter who we are, we all have stones covering the secrets in our lives.  And when Jesus tells us to roll back those stones, it can become very frightening.

The same can be said for our clubs, our political parties, and even our congregations; there are stones in all of these places, covering the things that we would choose to either not deal with or do not want the world to see.  We do not want to look at the death that is lying within these places so we place stones to cover them.  We wish to hide those things away from prying eyes.  We may even know the stones are there, but we are afraid to take those stones away.

The problem is, for Jesus to enter into these areas, the stone has to be moved.  For the light of Christ to enter in, the stone that is hiding everything in the dark must be rolled back.  Granted, Jesus probably could have raised Lazarus from the dead while the stone was in place, but what good would that have done?  With the stone in place obscuring the sight, the miracle would have been missed and poor Lazarus would have been pretty confused!

But Jesus commanded the people to take away the stone, and even when they protested, he did not back down.  For the miracle to be seen, we need to remove the stones in our lives and in our society.  This is scary, but this is what we are commanded by Jesus.  “Take away the stone!”

Then once the stone is removed, Jesus gives another command, “Lazarus, come out!”

What good would it have been for Lazarus to be raised from the dead if he just continues to remain hidden in the cave?  What good is it to have new life given if Lazarus were just to have him not share that new life with the world?  No, if new life is given, it is to be shared!  Lazarus is told to “Come out!”

Being out in the world with our new life can be just as frightening as taking the rock away.  As long as we stay hidden and secluded, we can remain safe.  As long as we stay hidden, we don’t have to worry about offending anyone’s sensibilities (or noses for that matter!).  We need to remember that in the Gospel of John, it is this act of bring Lazarus back to life that caused the Pharisees to plot for Jesus’ death.  Taking away the stone and calling Lazarus is not a trivial thing.  It is truly a matter of life and death.

In our lives, where are the stones, and what is hiding in the caves that we do not want to have exposed to the light?  What would be so frightening to have exposed to the world?  What do we not want Jesus to call forth?  We need to look for these things in our lives, in our organizations, and in our society and government.  We need to look at these things and then we need to have the courage to bring them to Jesus and allow Jesus to call them forth.

But even when Lazarus steps forth, there is still a problem:  He is still covered with the clothes of death.  The wrappings need to be removed.  We are told that Lazarus’ hands, feet, and face are still covered when he emerges. 

Have you ever met people who have gotten a divorce and are still just as married, if not more married, to their former spouse?  My niece is one such case; she is divorced, but she still is constantly trying to “get back at him” and trying to “make him pay.”  She has been given new life and has been let out of the tomb, but she is still keeping her hands, feet, and face tied up in the problems of her past. The marriage is over, she can come out of the tomb, but she still is wrapped in the marriage, she cannot take off the cloths that bind her.

I think moving beyond the death wraps may be the most difficult part of Lazarus’ move out of the tomb.  So often we stay wrapped in the troubles of our past.  So often we get caught in our deathly habits, even though we have had them exposed and have been called forth.  Sometimes we don’t WANT to have the wraps removed, we like having our pet angers to hang on to.  But as long as we hang on to these past hurts and presumed slights, we are as bound as if we were still tied in shroud cloth.

Since this is so difficult, there is something you will notice:  Jesus tells the people, those who are friends and those who care for Lazarus, to unbind him.  This final layer of wrapping, this final forgiveness of self is not something that happens in a vacuum, it happens in community.  It is when we are part of a community that truly loves us that Christ’s light can shine most fully.  It is in community of trust and love when those things that restrain us can be removed.  It is in a caring community that death can be made into life!

We always need to remember that through Christ we find life, not death.  We may be looking death square in the face, but our faith tells us that we need not be afraid, we are followers of the one who can bring life out of death.

Hatin' the Process

Well, I woke up to an e-mail from the Bishop's secretary concerning liquidating the assets of the church.  I am so over all of this!  What can we give away?  What can we give away if we have documented it?  What can't we give away?  The Former Secretary telling people what SHE would do.  The proclamations of the Former Secretary making it more difficult to do "the good thing."  And the Former Priest telling me that she gave the stuff to the church on the assumption the church wouldn't close and now that it is closing, she wants it back.

Again, I feel like I am dealing with a bunch of children in Adult suits.  And want makes me even more frustrated is the Former Priest has been through Interim Training and SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

I am so ready to have this over.  I am questioning taking the interim position because I don't know if I want to continually deal with this sort of thing.  But then again, I can think of this a OJT and take all of this to another place.

It is rainy and cold, and the weather is bad too.

Hey, I am Famous (kind of)

I have an entry in the Urban Dictionary!  Go check out shampoo amnesia!

Chapter 6: In which we get a plot twist...

Ok, the apartment is getting packed.  The office is getting packed.  The living situation, although not ideal, is pretty well set.  The church is dealing with the concept of closing.  Things are moving along.

I will admit that I HATE moving and would do almost ANYTHING to not have to move.

So, now enter the plot twist:  The assistant to the Bishop informed me that there is a full-time interim position that will soon be coming available and was wondering if I would be interested in it.  (Sound of screeching brakes...)

Now, I was kind of getting excited about the possibility of moving to some place warmer.  I was getting kind of excited about getting into a healthy congregation and being able to really get down to some fun ministry.  But now this has come about and changes all of this.

Staying and taking the interim position will save us the $2500 fee for breaking our lease.  It will allow me the opportunity to hone my skills in working with congregations in transition.  It will give my monkey brain something to do for a year or so before going on to something else.  It will allow us to actually move in the future with some planning and not just get tossed to the wind.

I will be talking with the Assistant tomorrow and will have some more information.  Until then, gentle readers, stay tuned!

Punishment just doesn't work! Lent 4 A

John 9:1-41

I find it intriguing how after thousands of years, we humans have not really changed a whole lot.

This whole, “Not Changing” thing is one of the things that prevents me from being a Humanist.  A Humanist is someone who believes that we humans will reach our potential if we are just allowed to seek those things that are good, true, and noble.  A Humanist believes that the Earth can become the utopia that is presented in Star Trek; a place that supplies all things for all people and a place where there is no one in need and no one is at war.  And, the Humanist believes this can all come about without the need of a God or other divine intervention.  And we can see from our gospel reading from today, that even after 2000 years of seeking those things that are good, true, and noble, we still haven’t made huge strides forward.

Now that may sound kind of harsh, but give me a chance to explain:  In the gospel reading for today, when the disciples see the man who is born blind, their immediate thought is that the blindness must be punishment.  They ask Jesus, “…who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”  The immediate assumption is that when we see things in our world that appear to be “bad,” then that must mean that something was done by someone and that something is deserving of punishment.

Now, I don’t want to get into a whole discussion of the merits of punishment and whether we should punish people and children, just suffice it to say, on a theoretical level, punishment doesn’t work.  Yes, punishment does seem to have some short-term advantages, but in the long run, it really doesn’t get the results that are wanted.  So if it really doesn’t work, then why would we assume that punishment would be God’s way of teaching us things?  By their questions, we know that the disciples believed God worked mainly by punishment, and by listening to just about any Televangelist, this is still the assumption being made today.  And whether we like it or not, this assumption has probably taken root in each of us.

The disciples were just SURE that someone had to have sinned for the man to be born blind.  They were SURE that the blindness was a form of punishment.  And since blindness was seen as a terrible thing, the sin that was being punished had to be a pretty terrible sin.  They were SURE of this, and this was the way they processed the world.  But Jesus gives them a different answer:  Jesus tells them that neither the man nor the man’s parents sinned!  How can that be?  Something so horrible as being born blind MUST be a punishment for something!  But Jesus doesn’t back down, he doesn’t say, “Well, yes, the man’s parents were Packers fans.”  No, he says that the blindness is actually something that can be used so that God’s works may be revealed!  What we would usually see as a punishment, God can use to reveal God’s glory!

Now, we need to be careful here:  I don’t want to jump to the conclusion that God caused the man to be born blind.  Granted Jesus says, “…he was born blind so that God's works might be revealed in him,” but I think we could get totally off the track by following this line of reasoning.  Suffice it to say that there are plenty of “bad” things in the world.  Suffice it to say that “bad” things are going to happen in our world.  And suffice it to say that God does not need to create “bad” things within our world.  But having said that, God does not just let the “bad” things be “bad.” 

If the man was born blind as a punishment, that seems rather harsh to me, especially if it was something that the man’s parents did.  If the man was born blind by some quirk of fate, well, that doesn’t seem much better.  But if the man was born blind and God could use the situation to reveal God’s work in the world; well, then a bad situation is redeemed through God!  And we stop and consider it, we must admit, God’s works have been revealed, for thousands of years, through this blind man.  The man may not have chosen to be born blind, but God redeemed his blindness through this story.

But back to the concept of bad things that happen are a form of punishment; this is a concept that is still plaguing us today.  It is a way of scapegoating people and groups.  It is a way of turning our back on those in need.  It is a way that we can feel superior to others.  If God is punishing these people, then we should not stand in God’s way!  And actually, this argument was used when vaccines and antibiotics were first presented; God was punishing these people and we should not stop the hand of God.

But, as I said, punishment does not work.  And God, in God’s greatness, would not resort to a method that did not work.  So we need to readjust our thinking.  We need to stop looking at the “bad” things in life as a punishment for some sin we may have committed and start looking for how this can show God’s works in the world.

When we are pushed outside of our comfort zones, we find that we are capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.  And even though we may not like to think about it, we are not the people we are because of the easy life we have had; we are the people we are because of the hardships we have survived.  The things that make us unique and wonderful are the difficulties we have surpassed.

When I look back at my life, there are many things that feel like they were punishment, but with the gift of time, I see how these things have prepared me for other challenges to come.  Quite literally, I am standing before you today because I broke my ankle 25 years ago.  Breaking my ankle set me on a different life course and has revealed to me God’s work in the world.  And I hope through my broken ankle, God’s work may have been revealed to others.

We can look at our impending closure as a punishment for some sin either committed by us or by those who have come before us; but I don’t think Jesus would want us to follow this train of thought.  I think Jesus would rather have us search for a way that God’s work can be seen in the world.  How does this event send us on a new and different path of service?  What have we learned here that needs to be shared with others?  I am sure that after his eyes were opened, the now former blind man, had insights that he alone could share with those around him.  The blind man would know stumbling blocks that others may not even have considered. What insights do we have that we can bring to other congregations?  What stumbling blocks do we now know that we can warn others about?  We have a gift of experience that is rare in the church world.  We have seen what can happen and have lessons to share.  We may have been blind, but God has worked to open our eyes.  And now we are sent to go out and share the message.

During this time of Lent, I invite you to remove the thought of punishment and replace it with loving leadership.  We are not being punished through the closure of St. Swithin's, but we are being led into new and different territories.  The world around us may be like the Pharisees in the gospel demanding that we acknowledge our sin, but we need to be like the man and give glory to God.  We have been given this experience and are being asked to spread the lessons we have learned and to share the loving works of God in the world.  Although this is painful, we do not experience the pain for nothing nor do we experience it alone.  God is with us.  Christ is with us.  Our Messiah is our guide and will lead us each to that place where we can show God’s glory to the world.

Nine Fabulous Months to Go!

Lent 2 A "Stop Confusing Us!"

Lent 2 A

After reading today’s gospel lesson, you just have to feel sorry for Nicodemus.  He just isn’t getting it, is he?  He is so close to understanding what is happening, but he is missing that little piece of faith that will help him figure it all out.  He is so close to understanding but he cannot let go of the world he sees around him long enough to grasp the world that can be.

Really, we should not be too hard on Nicodemus; we really can’t expect him to be right on top of things.  Christianity isn’t even a religion yet!  He doesn’t have the benefit of the New Testament to help him to understand.  All he has is what he has been taught in the past, all that the world has been telling him throughout his life, all that his colleagues expect of him, all of these thing.  Things he is familiar with and can understand.  But then there are these odd signs he has been seeing.  And try as he might, he can’t seem to make all the pieces fit together.  His teaching, his worldview, and his colleagues, all seemed to make sense.  But these signs, he can see them and they were presenting problems.

I can imagine poor Nicodemus, a Pharisee, a man of God, having a crisis of faith.  He knows what he learned as a child.  He knows what he was taught.  He believes with his whole heart the teachings of his past.  But things have changed.  Things are now different.  Things he had learned in his past no longer seem to fit.  This Jesus was giving signs that seemed to point to him being the messiah, the anointed one, but this Jesus is not acting very orthodox.  He cannot seem to make the situation into one that works with his world view.  Nicodemus would have liked to write Jesus off as just another of the street preachers of the time, but his conscience won’t let him do it.  He would like to disregard it, he may even had gotten a bit angry about all the things happening, not wanting to change; but the signs are just too strong to ignore.

So Nicodemus decides to go to the source (something we should all do) and speak with Jesus himself.  Now, in going, we cannot be too sure what Nicodemus expected.  Possibly he was expecting a rousing discussion and debate between two equals.  Perhaps he was looking for something to discredit this man he was about to see.  We do not know what he expected, but we do know that he was ashamed to be seen with Jesus.  We know this because he would only see Jesus at night.  Nicodemus would not go to Jesus in the day when people could see him.  But whatever he was expecting, I am sure Nicodemus was expecting some kind of respect for his status in society.  So Nicodemus was expecting a discussion between equals, but instead of a discussion between equals, Nicodemus gets much more than he bargained for.

Now the person that I do give credit to in this situation is Jesus.  The first thing Nicodemus does when he meets Jesus is he tries to flatter Jesus by proclaiming him a teacher who has come from God.  But we can assume that Jesus would have seen through the flattery by the sole fact that Nicodemus was ashamed to be seen with him.  Jesus would know that Nicodemus’s role in society would proclaim that Nicodemus was above Jesus but also because Nicodemus is coming to talk at night.  Remember, Nicodemus was a Pharisee, it would not look good for him to be seen associating with the street preachers. 

Now if I were Jesus, I would ask Nicodemus why, if he says I am from God, is he afraid to be seen with me?  If he truly believed I was from God he should be proud to be seen with me!  I would have booted him out of the door.  Good thing for Nicodemus I am not Jesus!

No, Jesus does not boot Nicodemus out the door.  Jesus takes the time to teach Nicodemus.  Nicodemus asks Jesus questions and Jesus answers them.  Now, I am also sure Nicodemus was expecting some straight forward answers to his questions, but that is not what he gets.  Fortunately for Nicodemus, Jesus does not give him the type of answers he is expecting.  Fortunately for Nicodemus, Jesus gives him answers that make him think.  In his response, Jesus is moving Nicodemus onto a different road, into a different way of thinking.  Jesus was moving Nicodemus from just looking at the superficial aspects but to move onto searching for what is deeper.

I believe Jesus answered Nicodemus in the way he did so as to engage Nicodemus.  Nicodemus was a man of thought, so if Jesus had just answered straight out, Nicodemus would have made a decision, judged this street preacher and that would have been the end of it all.  But Jesus gave Nicodemus a puzzle.  Jesus gave Nicodemus something to think about; something to get stuck in his head and make him a bit uncomfortable.  And it is this sort of frustration with the answers that plants the seed of faith.

Are we frustrated with life?  Are we feeling like we pray for answers but all we get are riddles?  Are we feeling like life just isn’t going the way it should and God is doing nothing to help?  This can be frustrating!  When we pray, we want answers.  We want Jesus to tell us what the signs mean so we can judge them and be on our way.  If we know what the signs mean, then we feel we can control them.  But so often Jesus will not give us the meaning we are looking for.  So often when we pray it feels like all we get in return is just a bunch of random mumbo-jumbo.  When we pray, we probably often feel a lot like Nicodemus must have felt.

But let’s not lose track of what really happened in this encounter between Jesus and Nicodemus.  Jesus didn’t give Nicodemus the answer because Jesus wanted Nicodemus to move in a new direction, Jesus wanted Nicodemus to travel down a new road.  Jesus wanted Nicodemus to stop and think about his life and to ponder the answers he did get from Jesus.  Jesus wanted to nudge Nicodemus out of his complacency and get him moving.

We know this method of Jesus’ did, in fact, work.  The next time we encounter Nicodemus in the Bible, it is day.  Nicodemus is now publicly defending Jesus when the Pharisees want to arrest him for speaking in the temple.  Nicodemus has gone from seeking Jesus in the night to defending him in the day.  That is quite a change.

The final time we hear of Nicodemus, he is helping to care for Jesus’ body after Jesus was crucified on the cross.  This was not just some social nicety.  Nicodemus was threatening his whole way of life by caring for Jesus.  He was giving up his position of power.  He was a Pharisee caring for an executed criminal.  Our friend has gone from seeking Jesus in the dark, to defending him in the light, to publicly honoring Jesus through ministering to the dead. 

We are not told whether Nicodemus and Jesus ever talked after this meeting in the dark.  All we know is that in allowing Nicodemus to struggle with the answers to the questions, his faith in Jesus grew immensely.  He went from worrying about himself to placing his life, or at least his livelihood, on the line for Jesus.

It is frustrating when it feels like our prayers are going unanswered.  It is difficult when it feels like all we get for our faith in God is some twisted riddle or convoluted pathway.  We get tired of God being hidden.  We may feel like Nicodemus and feel like we just want to know the answers.  Like Nicodemus gong to Jesus, we may feel that when we go to God in prayer that we are batting around ideas with an equal.  We may think we know the way of the world; we know what we have been taught.  We know what God should be doing.  But God often doesn’t seem to want to play by our rules.

What I wonder is, can we let the words of Jesus make us uncomfortable enough to deepen our faith?  Even if we don’t readily understand what is happening in our lives, can we trust God to lead us down a new road to a deeper faith?  Can we continue to be faithful even when things look dark?  Can we trust, knowing that in the end, the Lord of Light will reign victorious?  Can we use the dark times in our lives to strengthen us to proclaim Jesus in the light of day? 

Unlike Nicodemus, we have the Bible to help us.  We know the story and how it will end.  We know that God will reign supreme.  Christ will be Lord of all.  And even though we know this, we still become lost.  But we can rest assured.  Even though we may feel lost, even though we may not see the way, we know we can trust that where God is leading we can follow.

We, as a congregation are moving into places that are confusing.  We may not like the answers that we see before us.  But we are challenged to trust in God and struggle with the answers.  We are challenged to look beyond our own understanding and place our faith in Christ.  We are being prodded to travel down a new path, to where?  We don’t know.  But we can be assured that no matter where God leads us, Christ has already traveled there first.

The TV Meme

 Stole this from Cubby at Patently Queer who borrowed it from Hanuman Das over at Ashram at Pooh Corner.

Back in the Day — 5 TV Shows You Loved As A Kid
Vegas
The Brady Bunch
Lucas Tanner
Space: 1999

Johnny Quest (The old one!)

That’s Hot — 5 TV Characters You Would Do
Michael Weston (Burn Notice)
Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Jack Harkness (Torchwood)
David Tennant (Dr. Who)
Noah Wyle (ER)

“Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs” — 5 TV Theme Songs You Know (and Love) By Heart
The Flintstones (and the line is "Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet")
Gilligan's Island
The Brady Bunch
All In The Family
Maude

Meh — 5 “Hit” Shows You Never Could Get Into
90210
Lost
Dallas
Two and a Half Men
Mad Men

The Starting Line-Up — 5 Channels You Go To First When You Sit Down to Watch TV
LOGO
SyFy
Science
MSNBC
History

“That’s What She Said” — 5 Quotes That Still Resonate

Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: "Jane you ignorant slut."
Diff’rent Strokes
Arnold Jackson: "Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?"
Alice
Flo: "Kiss my grits!"
Southpark
Many Characters: Oh my God! They killed Kenny! You bastards!
The Simpsons
Homer: [to Bart] "I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better." 

“Gimme More” — 5 Shows You Can Never Get Enough Of
Glee
Burn Notice
1000 Ways to Die
RuPaul's Drag Race
Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Congregational Meeting

Well, the congregation met and voted unanimously to close the congregation.  There was some discussion of how we could find ways to keep the congregation going, but in the end, it was decided that anything we could think of would only be a band-aid.  To truly make changes, we would need  much more money than we could raise.  So, sadly, the vote was taken and we will be closing.

The soonest we would be closing is three weeks from now.  The congregation wants to go until Easter, but that would be very difficult.  It would also be dragging out the process for a long time.  If I learned anything from the closing of Nick's congregation, it is that dragging out the closing process is not generally a good idea.  But the congregation is saying that is what they want to do.  We did not follow this train of thought too long, instead reminding people that it is quite an emotional vote and we will discuss closing dates after we receive more information from the Bishop's office.

News on Dad

Dad is doing much better!  He is supposed to get out of the hospital today.  Thanks all for prayers and well wishes.

Now for Something TOTALLY Different

Enough of the downer stuff.

I could look at Bradley Cooper all day.  He is gorgeous!

The Move Starts

We have the Christmas closet cleaned out and moved to the storage unit.  We have boxes everywhere.  We have some major furniture that needs to get moved.  (On a happy note, the furniture is PAID FOR!!  This is another of the things that was left from the last time I had church problems.)  We have about a month left before we have to leave, so we can take some time to get the stuff in storage.  But we do need to get some of the big pieces into storage so we can pack around them.

Hopefully, we will be able to have professional movers move it from storage to where ever.  But this is just a hope.  Right now, the work is going into closing the church here.  I will be meeting with the board on Saturday and with the congregation on Sunday.  Then we will be looking at Easter Sunday as our last worship service.

News on the family:  I have been in contact with my family, my father went into the hospital with an extremely low blood pressure.  I still am not over being pissed, but I will not let my pisstivity get in the way of dad's health. There will be plenty of time to deal with my siblings abandonment.

A Song For Today

A One-Hit Wonder!

Lent 1 A

I said on Ash Wednesday how I really didn’t like Ash Wednesday and how I really didn’t like Lent.  And having said that, I have continued to think about it.  I am a priest!  These things are part and parcel of what I do!  I should be looking forward to these events.  Yes, I like Easter and all the cheer and smiles and fun that comes with it, but I really don’t like having to go through Lent to get there.

While writing this, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just board a plane on Transfiguration Sunday and fly over all the nasty stuff of Lent right to Easter?”  It would be nice!  No Ash Wednesday, no Good Friday, no fasting, no repentance.  Just a quick jump from one happy event to another.  It sounds like it would be nice, but would that really be helpful to us? 

About seven years ago, I drove, alone, from Iowa to Spokane.  As you can imagine, it was a very long and a very tedious journey.  There were times while driving through Wyoming and Montana that I thought I was going to go totally crazy.  Mile after mile of road, and the only thing to keep me company was the radio and my own thoughts.  It was long and it was tiring, but it was not a totally bad thing.  Actually, there were some very interesting things that happened.  I met people who I probably would never have met.  I helped a homeless man get a step closer to finding his estranged son, and I even got to sit in a small town in Wyoming and chat with the locals as my flat got fixed.  (Having a Saturn with metric tires is NOT a good thing in rural Wyoming!)  But mostly, I had time to think, to pray, to contemplate what was going on in my life and to think about what I really wanted to do with my life.  Granted, I could have flown out there and had gotten to Spokane much faster, but taking the time to drive was really a very good thing.

Anymore, in life we like to avoid the difficult things.  I think this ability to avoid the difficult has made Lent even more tiresome.  We have so many things to help us avoid the unpleasantries of life, why should we have this 40-day stretch to remind us of them all again?  I think there is a temptation to just avoid all the nastiness of life and just focus on the good things.  But I think in doing that, in giving in to the temptation, we deprive ourselves of the possibility for some radical, life changing, events.

In our gospel reading for today, we have Jesus being tempted by the Devil in the wilderness.  Now, we need to remember what has happened to Jesus; he was out in the desert for 40-days, which is “Bible Speak” for a “Very Long Time.”  I am sure he was very hungry, very thirsty, and very tired.  Oh, and he was alone during this time.  My trip across Wyoming and Montana only took about a day and I was a bit crabby, imagine 40 days of this!

So, after being out in the wilderness for a Very Long Time, the Devil starts to tempt Jesus.  And the Devil is very crafty about how he goes about doing this.  The first thing that the Devil does is tempts Jesus with food.  (Seems logical.)  After food, the Devil tempts Jesus with power.  And finally, the Devil tempts Jesus with being able to show off just how much power Jesus actually does has.  These would be difficult temptations in and of themselves, but to be tempted with them after being in the wilderness for 40 days, well…  But Jesus does not give in; Jesus stands firm and emerges victorious.  Jesus goes through the wilderness and emerges, perhaps a bit worn, but successfully emerges at the end.  Jesus does not avoid the temptations and difficulties of life, but proceeds through them and is stronger for it.

Now, one of the easiest ways to disregard this whole wilderness event is to say, “Well, Jesus was the Son of God.  He knew he was the Son of God because he had just had it broadcast from the sky.  He really didn’t suffer that much.”  But that would be to disregard the fact that although Jesus was the Son of God, he was also fully human.  And I am sure that the fully human Jesus was sorely tempted to make a couple of loaves of bread for himself.  However, to have done that, to have given into the temptations, would have been to use the power Jesus had been given for the wrong purpose.  In traveling though the wilderness and fighting off temptation, Jesus, the Son, learned that he could, in fact, rely on God, the father, to care for his needs. 

If Jesus would have just taken a direct flight to the end of the story, I can’t help but wonder if Jesus wouldn’t have always had questions as to his ability to resist temptations when they would be present.  The human Jesus may have always wondered if he could do it.  But having gone through this testing and having emerged victorious, the human Jesus could have confidence not only in his own abilities, but also total confidence in the promise of God.

I am pretty sure Jesus would have like to avoid the whole roaming in the wilderness and avoid the whole being tempted by Devil thing, but it was these experiences that helped to prepare him for the other events in his life.  It was in passing through the difficult parts of the journey that gave Jesus the strength and courage to continue on the path the God had set out for him.

Our trip through Lent is very similar.  Granted, we probably won’t be wandering in the wilderness for a very long time.  And we probably will not have a face-to-face encounter with the Devil, but the disciplines we participate in during Lent give us the courage to trust in God and to trust in ourselves.  Avoiding the quick and simple ways to Easter helps us to truly understand the gifts we have been given in this life.  And sometimes when we take the way that is more difficult, we are gifted with something truly miraculous.  And then when we get to the final destination, it is that much more enjoyable.

When we skip right from Transfiguration to Easter, we are missing the work that goes into the journey.  We fail to appreciate the price that Jesus paid for our salvation.  When we make that jump, we experience what Dietrich Bonhoeffer would call “Cheap Grace:” The grace is given, but when we avoid the discipline, we really don’t know what to do with the grace.  Just like playing an instrument, if we don’t take time to practice, we are really never going to sound good.  Lent is one of those times that we set aside to practice our faith.

It is also appropriate that we are looking at the future of our congregation during Lent.  We can face our future honestly and humbly.  We can face our future as Christ faced his future; truly trusting in God.  During this time of Lent, we can look at our congregation, our whole lives, and our time together with the strength that comes from faith, but also with the trust that comes from knowing that even in this, God is in charge.

Yes, we can fly right to Easter and pretend that Lent never happened.  Yes, we can bypass the tough decisions and the tough realities.  Yes, the promise of Easter will still be there, even if we don’t go through the depths of Good Friday.  And yes, we can try to avoid the time in the wilderness, but we do it to our own detriment.  Jesus shows us the way of faith and the way to trust.  Jesus shows us and begs us to follow.  I may not like Lent, but I have come to appreciate the journey.  There may be faster ways to get to the end, but when we follow the way of Jesus, the gift we receive is so much richer.

Chapter 5: In which our hero loses his job

Well, not me, but Nick.  Yes, the temp job Nick has had for about 2 years had gone away.  I feel like the Fates are laughing.

Thankfully, we are not out on the streets, but we will not be interacting much (if at all) with my family.

Ok, enough of the depressing stuff!

Futzing in the Dark

How did life get to this point?  Am I really as big of a baby as my sister said I was?  Why should I associate with these people who only seem to cause me distress?  I know that cut-off is not a good thing, but is interaction with disrespect better?

When I wanted to share that Nick and I might get married due to the change in Iowa laws, did we find joy in my family?  No.  I was told, "You will kill Dad."  Not that Nick has never raised his voice to me, never struck me, never cheated on me, nor ever needed treatment for drug addiction.  No, my siblings' spouses, all of whom have fulfilled these criteria are met with open arms and lavish parties.  When I want to share my joy, I am told that I will kill Dad.

When my world is collapsing and I am losing all visible means of support.  When it looks like we will have to move and have to worry about paying bills.  When it looks like the only way to keep our heads above water is to spend a couple of months in my folks basement as Nick and I search for new calls, is this ok?  No, it will kill Dad.

My siblings are very fond of telling me that whatever I do, whether good or not so good, is going to kill Dad.  I have to wonder if "Going to kill Dad" is actually code for "We don't want you in our lives"?

There was no concern as to why we needed to move into mom and dad's basement, just that it was going to kill dad.  No thought that maybe a 46 year-old and a 62 year-old might not really relish the thought of living in the basement.  No help with possible other ideas.  Just the tirade of my lack of consideration and the "fact" that it will "kill dad."

So after being told by all three siblings on my voice mail that I am selfish and inconsiderate, I choose to tell them (not on voice mail) that I will be removing myself from their lives, I am called childish and that all I do is pop into their lives and then leave.  Do they not remember that I live about 400 miles away?  Am I supposed to move there so we can "bond?"

I guess it is good that one cannot wish oneself away.  Or maybe it would be a good thing.  IDK.  I do know that I am stronger than I had ever though because as soon as I feel like I am about to implode, something else seems to come along and up the ante.

Sorry about the rant, just seems like the head moves faster at night.

Tranfiguration

Transfiguration Year A

I don’t know if anyone famous said it, but if not, someone should:  To be human is to fear.  It makes sense.  We are fairly fragile critters.  We have lots of soft vulnerable parts and there are a lot of things out in the world that can hurt us.  We can be bit by a snake.  We can be crushed by rocks.  We can be stranded in the wilderness without food, water, or shelter.  There are lots of ways that our world can get to us.  Since we are so vulnerable, we have developed various ways of staying safe.  We build buildings.  We wear clothes.  We have ways of protecting ourselves.  We gather together in communities as a means of staving off dangers and as a means of staving off our fear.  Our fear keeps us alive, really, so fearing is not necessarily a bad thing.  Actually, having no fear at all is a great way to die early.  So, yes, to be human is to fear.

But the ironic thing is that while fear can keep us alive, fear can also kill us.  If we are so afraid of the world that we never go out, we will starve to death.  If we are so afraid of others that we never interact, we will we will slowly die until we are just a shell of a person.  If we fear being expelled from the group, we will sink to the lowest level of the chain and eventually be trampled.

So fear can keep us alive but also fear can lead to a life that is not worth living.  It is the balance of fear to living in our lives that make our lives fulfilling.  It is having a healthy amount of fear but not too much fear that keeps us not only alive, but living and thriving.  It is this level of life that Christ is calling us to.

Again, this week, we hear Jesus telling his disciples to not be afraid.  The disciples had just experienced something that was totally beyond their understanding.  Let’s face it; it is beyond our understanding, too!  The disciples had just seen Jesus become blindingly bright and was surrounded by Moses and Elijah.  Then they had heard a loud voice proclaiming Jesus as the Son of God.  Some pretty frightening stuff if you ask me!  But when the disciples become overly afraid, Jesus gave them the words of assurance, “Get up and do not be afraid.”  This was not a rebuke but the loving words of one who cared.  Jesus was reassuring the disciples that as long as Jesus was present, they would be kept safe.  Even when things looked scary, the Shepherd was they to keep the sheep safe.

We have been having some frightening conversations lately.  We have been stepping out into scary territory.  And I will say that many of my first responses are to be afraid.  I am scared about what is going to happen here at St. Swithin’s.  I am afraid of what is going to happen to the people here.  I am afraid of what is going to happen to Nick and me.  The road ahead of us is anything but obvious.  And it is this lack of clarity that often leads to fear.  But it is in this time of fear that we need to most remember that Jesus tells us to “Get up and do not be afraid.”

We may wonder why this whole Transfiguration thing had to happen.  Why did Jesus have to change?  It obviously was not for Jesus sake, but for the sake of the disciples.  This happened so the disciples could know that the one they called “Teacher” was not just a huckster of a teacher, which were very prevalent in Biblical times, but was a teacher in the tradition of Moses and Elijah.  Jesus wanted to show the disciples that even in the midst of the strange happening of their time, Jesus would see the disciples through, also.  Moses and Elijah were great and revered teachers in Jewish tradition, and for them to stand beside Jesus, in a very concrete manner, shows that the teaching of Jesus is in line with the teachers of the past.  The disciples can look to how God had worked in the past and trust that even though they may fear, Jesus would not abandon them.

But also, the event of the Transfiguration leads beyond a tendency to look back and can only be fully understood by looking forward.  The disciples would not have understood the significance of what they were experiencing because they had not as yet experienced the resurrection.  They had not experienced the Glorified Christ in their midst.

We have the luxury of time to see the hand of God at work throughout all of this.  Epiphany starts with the story of Christ’s baptism and God’s words, “This is my Son, my Beloved.  Listen to him.”  Now again, at the end of Epiphany, we hear these same words, but in a different context, the context of Jesus going toward his eventual crucifixion.  But we are to lean on the promises and listen to thing one, this Son of God.  And finally we can see how the Christ’s glowing face and clothing points us toward the resurrection.  We are pointed toward the resurrection where even death will be destroyed and fear can be finally released.

Jesus, in his glorified state, walks up to the frightened disciples and raises them up and tells them not to be afraid.  It is as if the teaching of Moses and Elijah are rolled up into the glorified Christ and promises of history brought together in the Son of God.  And it is in the Glorified Christ that the disciples are told not to fear.

We are the children of the resurrection.  We have the promises of the Glorified and Risen Christ.  The promises that were made to the Jews are rolled up into the Glorified Son and have been handed down to us.  It is with this whole background that Christ then reaches down and touches each of us and tells us to “Get up and do not be afraid.”

Just like the disciples, we may not know what all this means or where it is leading, but we are told to have faith, to not be afraid, and to believe.  When we look to the Glorified Christ, not only do we see the love and forgiveness, but we also see Moses and God leading them through the desert and God giving the people the law by which to live.  When we look at the Glorified Christ, not only do we see our Good Shepherd, but we also Elijah and the prophets speaking the truth to the people, even though the people may not have wanted to hear.  We see in our Savior, the teachings of the past, but also the promises of the future.

As we venture forth, this is the image to hold near.  We may want to hide in fear, but Christ tells us not to fear.  No matter what lies in store, we can step out in faith, knowing that through the risen Christ and the Holy Spirit, we are not alone.  We may be overwhelmed by what we see around us, but we are not left to parish; the God of our ancestors and the God of our future is still here.  It may not feel like it at times, but all we need to do is look to the Glorified Christ to show us our way.

Chapter 4 in which our heros find aid from a friend

Thanks to wonderous friends, we have a place to move to for at least a couple of months.  It is only a stop gap, but at least we will not be living on the streets.

Chapter 3 in which we find our hero homeless

It had been said that God gave us families so that we could learn to deal with people we don't like.

Although my Mom said we could live in the basement, my sister has decided that for us to move into their basement would kill my father.  My brother agrees.  Now granted, my father is going to be 90 but if you remember, the concept of Nick and I getting married was going to kill my father.  Not that my sister and her boyfriend didn't live in the basement in years past.  Not that my brother has not taken loans and pirated cable from my parents.  Not that anything that I am asking pales in comparason to what they have asked.  No, I am going to kill dad.

Now, of course, we cannot go there because if anything were to happen to Dad, it will be my fault.  I know that break-off is not a good family dynamic, but I am so tired of anything that I will do being the impetus that will kill Dad.  Yes, he worries, but he worries at 6 am whether the sun will rise or not.

This really sucks.

The Dreaded Late-Night Post

It is raining outside, I guess that is appropriate.

It looks like we are going to be moving in with my parents.  Yes, at 46 and 62, we are going to be living in my parents basement.

I am so angry.  I feel betrayed.  I feel shafted.  I don't want to move again.  I don't want to go through all the shit I went through 4 years ago.  I am finally getting my credit repaired and getting my credit rating back up to something respectable.  And this is not my fault!  I feel horrible.

I know Nick is getting sick of moving.  And I am sure he is just loving the idea of moving in with my parents.  I know the why questions are totally unproductive, but WHY?

I know, God will work through this too, but there comes a time when the narrative begins to wear thin.  When it seems that everything in your life breaks when you touch it, you have to wonder:  Is the world that fragile, or are you that big of a klutz?

Sorry about the pity party, but honestly, there has got to be a point where it is realized that the common denominator to all that is happening is me.  Do I bring this stuff on myself?

Ok, I want to get off the ride now...

Just heard from the Bishop's office, there is no severance.  There are no places here that I would be appropriate.  I will get a good review, but I have to go out and find that call!

So, after getting bashed, berated, slandered, and generally attacked, I get to put on a happy face and start asking for a job.  No severance, no unemployment.  "Thanks and didn't you have somewhere to go in the morning?"

If I had known this, I would have worn a cup.

Stress Levels and Other Things

Well, as of right now, I have no idea what is happening. 

Are we closing?  Probably.
When?  Elephino!
What am I going to do afterward?  Elephino!
Will we have to move?  Elephino!
Will we have to break our lease?  Elephino!
How are we going to pay bills?  ELEPHINO!

I think this  is time the when the pastor has to truly step forward, but it is also at this time when the pastor wants to just jump in the car and drive south.  I am so incredibly stressed at the moment that I can barely function.  I don't know what is happening both in the church and in my life.  Depending upon what is happening in the church, our life could take some completely different turns.  I have been in this situation before, and I really don't like it.  The congregation is losing their church but for Nick and me, our life is in a tailspin.  The concept of making any kind of plans feels like an exercise in futility.

I will be getting into contact with the Bishop's office, so hopefully there will be some answers.  But I just want to sleep until this is over.