Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Rollerskates on the Treadmill

That is the way things have been feeling lately: The wheels are turning, but the landscape has not been changing.

I am supposed to be preaching this Easter. New life, renewed hope. All that good stuff. What do I feel? Lost, frustrated, trapped. More of the same old stuff.

I apologize to my loyal readers (all four of you!) for posting so often about my frustration at the slow pace of change. There are just so many things that combine to make these past years (!) so complex. Whenever something happens, a whole series of guilt, anger, and frustration surfaces.

I placed guilt first because I was raised Roman Catholic and I grew up doing guilt well. I learned early on how to feel guilty about all kinds of things from my thoughts to things my body did. So, of course, when things go wrong, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I don't put enough time into reviewing the church readings. I feel guilty that I mix up words while reading. I feel guilty that I have these feelings that "the church" doesn't like. I feel guilty that my sense of humor rankles the genteel folk. I feel guilty that I don't have the energy to invest into the church that I would like to have.

But then things switch into frustration. It is really easy to put time into the church when that is your full-time job. However, when you are working 40 hours/week, highly underemployed, trying to make ends meet, and trying to give time to the church, then get some attitude because you are not doing things "right," that gets frustrating. Not feeling supported, that is frustrating. Missing "being smart," that is frustrating.

This last comment about being smart may seem odd, but not if you think about it. Probably the best way to think about it is to be mentally bored. I miss the mental challenges that come from being in a church setting. Making coffee for eight hours a day really doesn't do much to spark the creative juices.

Then comes anger. Angy at it all! Ranting and raving mad! Pissed at the world, at God, at people trying to help me, at life. I start to turn into something that I really don't like.

Then, of course, I feel guilty about being angry and needy. And with that, the loop begins again.


Lemuel said...

One of the things that was most destructive to me was, after pouring my soul into something, to have those "someone's" give me attitude because they, standing at the sidelines and not lifting a finger to help, thought I had not worked hard enough.

TigerYogiji said...

((HUGS)) :(