Well, the moment I try to close my eyes, I ruminate on all the bills that need to be paid. My mind whirls with shut-off notices. I am so frustrated that nothing seems to be happening.
I am on the futon so I don't keep Nick up because he has to work tomorrow. But that just means that I will be home alone tomorrow, dodging phone calls.
I am tired of life but too chicken to end it. I cannot see an ending to this. Something has to give soon: either the world needs to change or I am going to give out.
Where is God in all of this? I am beginning to think that God is some kind of construct we create so we don't have to face the terror that this is all there is.
3 comments:
God is near by.
and so are we.
some of his favorites have gone through your misery.
hang in there.
When I am down, my mind often goes to recall the life and witness of Dietrich Bonhöffer. Are you familiar with his hymn? See Episc. Hymnal #'s 695/696 and new Luth #626. I sing those words and remember his life. He calls me to courageous living.
If any believer says that there are no times that they question the existence of God, then they are either lying or just not paying attention. In my case, I would have to say that my doubt that there is NOT a God is not as great as my doubt that there is one. I hope that makes sense.
Today you cannot believe -- Then you have to let others "carry the water" of belief today. Another time, you will have to carry it for others.
Benton, if you cannot love yourself or your life right now, remember Nick's love for you and yours for him. Then, seek help where you know that you can find it.
Peace of Christ
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