The journey continues. If you have just joined, here is where the process started. In the reply, the doubly indented parts are quotes from my original letter. I left them there because of how Bill replied. It take them out would make the reply difficult to understand.


Hi Bill

I don't know if you have heard but the ELCA has voted not to allow practicing homosexuals as pastors. It was a fairly close vote but it was voted down just the same.

If the vote had gone the other direction, things would have been better. But they didn't. I think it is so sad the amount of celebrating that I see occurring.

I have asked God for what seems like my whole life, "Why can't I just be like eveyone else?" I so much don't want to be the center of attention. Seems like God has other plans for me.

It may seem strange that I am only now coming to grips with this. I probably should have dealt with it earlier but, as I said, I so badly want to be like everyone else, feel like everyone else. Not stand-out in a crowd. I have just started to accept the part of me that find men sexually attractive. In the past, I would see someone I found attractive and then mentally beat myself for such thoughts. I have begun trying to not beat myself for such thoughts.

I appreciate your comment about being a servant of Christ, not necessarily a servant of the Lutheran Church. The church itself has not been overly helpful to me in my tenure with it. My first call ended with me almost catatonic due to a sick congregational system. Out of the three previous pastors and the one that followed me, my time of two years was one of the longest. But they left me without a call, without insurence, and a $170/month Zoloft perscription. I felt totally abandoned by them. Feels like they are abandoning me again.

Sorry to drivel on and on. I guess in writing to you I get my thoughts in order.

Peace, and thanks

Benton

I don't know if you have heard but the ELCA has voted not to allow practicing homosexuals as pastors. It was a fairly close vote but it was voted down just the same.

If the vote had gone the other direction, things would have been better. But they didn't. I think it is so sad the amount of celebrating that I see occurring

.

I had heard a vote was coming, and was hoping it would have gone the other way as well. I have to agree that rejoicing in continued discrimination is a sad thing, that happens in too many of our churches.

I have asked God for what seems like my whole life, "Why can't I just be like eveyone else?" I so much don't want to be the center of attention. Seems like God has other plans for me.

This is a familiar quote I have heard from my GLBT friends and parishioners. Funny thing is, everyone with a large gift says something similar. I used to pray this to God all the time, because I was brighter than many of my classmates when I was younger. Some things God just won't take away, no matter how much we pray to the contrary.

It may seem strange that I am only now coming to grips with this. I probably should have dealt with it earlier but, as I said, I so badly want to be like everyone else, feel like everyone else. Not stand-out in a crowd. I have just started to accept the part of me that find men sexually attractive. In the past, I would see someone I found attractive and then mentally beat myself for such thoughts. I have begun trying to not beat myself for such thoughts.

This doesn't seem strange to me at all. Many GLBT people I've met struggle with these issues their whole lives, especially those who pray to be like everyone else. I think you are taking a step in the right direction, by not doing damage to yourself for a part of yourself that is beyond your control, and in my opinion, quite beyond your capacity to change without doing great violence to who you are.

I appreciate your comment about being a servant of Christ, not necessarily a servant of the Lutheran Church. The church itself has not been overly helpful to me in my tenure with it. My first call ended with me almost catatonic due to a sick congregational system. Out of the three previous pastors and the one that followed me, my time of two years was one of the longest. But they left me without a call, without insurence, and a $170/month Zoloft perscription. I felt totally abandoned by them. Feels like they are abandoning me again.

That is shameful, truly shameful, that congregations treat pastors this way. But it happens more often than we think. I always try to keep in mind that I am a servant of God first, and sometimes that means taking positions that may be unpopular to a congregation - even positions that might cost me my job. It's a great leap of faith for me to do it, and some days I struggle mightily with it, praying that the cup should pass from me. Then I remember that the One in whose steps I am trying faithfully to follow was faithful even to the cross, and then I feel ashamed of being worried about keeping a job.

Sorry to drivel on and on. I guess in writing to you I get my thoughts in order.
Peace, and thanks
Benton

Hey. It's no problem listening to you, and you could talk much longer than you do. I'm glad to be of help, and you of all people know that one of the primary jobs of a pastor is to listen. I'm happy to have the opportunity to be a place of trust and welcome that you can talk about whatever you'd like.

May God continue to bless your life and ministry.

Shalom,

Bill