I am in a much better state today. That is a good thing!
Another of the problems of depression is that I tend to heap more and more pressure upon myself. I feel horrible, but I don't want to ruin Nik's day. I don't want people to ask, "What's wrong?" I don't want to be any trouble. Contrary to what some may say -- that it is all for attention -- when I am depressed, I DON'T want to be the center of attention.
This means summoning up the energy to "act normal" around Nik. This means finding the proper level of social interactions. (Too little will incite the "Is there anything wrong?" question, too much will become annoying.) Often it means avoiding people, period. When I have to be around people, I do my best to be in and out as fast as possible.
I'm guessing that depression is not really attractive. I don't "hide" it from Nik, but I also don't give him "both barrels." I don't want to be a downer for him, but I find it so tiring to yank myself up.
So, on top of feeling like hell, I begin to feel guilty because I am not the perky partner that I think I sould be. I love having Nik around, but I feel like I am being a weight around his neck. So this just adds to the feelings of futility and brokeness.
Again, I think many people assume that depressed people are doing it because they want attention. In my case, that is often the farthest from the truth. I don't want to be around people because they take too much energy and I don't want to be the cause of their having a bad time. I look at that last sentence and realize that I am not responsible for others feelings, but when I am depressed, that doesn't matter.
What also is lacking is nuanced decision making. When I am depressed, things are pretty black and white. This causes problems because anything that happens takes on an added immediacy: My attitude is going to ruin everyone's day. My depression is going to make Nik kick me out. There is no shades of gray here, everything becomes either/or. Also, things take on "Forever" status, as in, "This is NEVER going to change. These problems will be here FOREVER." Logic does not work well with this. I generally know enough to know that I am amplifying the problems and can keep myself from doing anything stupid. Nik knows enough to say that I am "awfulizing." This helps to get me past the crisis.
