I went to a job fair last week. I didn't spend any time talking to the recruiters; I spent all my time working on revamping my resume. This was difficult. It made the transition thing that much more real.
Trying to take my preacher experience and make it understandable to the business world is not the easiest thing. We do a lot that people do not consider. Also, business look for outcomes which are hard to measure in the church. Your "average preacher" (whatever that is) has done things from being a CEO to crisis intervention. But so many people just think of clergy as naive and out of touch, a la Fr. Dowling. Trying to get people to take our skills seriously takes a bit of sleight of hand.
But how do you leave that for which you have trained so long? It may sound silly, but I kind of knew, from a very early age, that I should be doing things in the church. And even for all the frustration that I receive, I still feel that I do an adequate job at it. But the stress and lack of any kind of guidance is just tearing me apart.
When I had written about Cognitive Distortions, some had suggested that I get out and be part of the world. I appreciate the suggestion. What stops me from really doing things is the lack of money. I do not get any kind of assistance from the government nor from the governing body of my denomination. We are living on what Nic makes. I feel guilty spending money. I do make some money preaching on Sundays, but with the latest church to turn me down, my preaching opportunities have been quite sparse. Using money, when I don't have to, makes me feel awkward.
And trying to find a job where we are living seems a bit of a waste too. We will be moving in the fall and I would like to find something more than just a entry-level thing. Frankly, I get really bored. And I am not a lot of fun to be around when I am bored.
Fear of success? Fear of failure? Lazy? Depressed? Fuck-up? I don't know.