(A bit of the same old, same old. If you are getting tired of it (as I am) move one, there is nothing to see here.)
Well, as I said, vacation was a great thing. Unfortunately, we have to return to the real world. So I am back in the real world and I am not so happy about that.
I know that searching for "happy" does not make one happy, but is it really a bad thing to want to be happy more than one is unhappy?
I got back to the church only to hear that one of the council members, the one that has missed the Annual Meeting and the council meeting before that, and is also a friend of the Former Secretary, was in church when I was not there and was maligning me when I could not defend myself. Then, of course, she was not at the regularly scheduled council meeting.
At the meeting, we found out that we may be broke by April. So we have a member of council having a snit while the church she supposedly "loves" is going down the tubes and she can't get over things enough to come and try to save it?? I am confused.
Maybe I get in my own way, but I have to stop and think: Why does it seem that the places I get called to are in crisis? I look and see that the common denominator is me. I have to wonder if I am appropriate for this life-path. I always feel like I just want to pitch the whole thing and do something else, but when I look for what else, I can't seem to find anything.
All modesty aside, I am a bright guy. It just seems like I have painted myself into a career corner and now I cannot get out. At this time in my life, I should be nicely ensconced in a thriving church and having a wonderful time. That is all I want. I want to have a great time with my congregation reveling in the love of God. Why does it have to be so difficult.
Again, I have to wonder if every time I get into a church I get frustrated; is this what I should be doing? I can do stained glass, sort of, but not enough to make a living at it. We can not live off of Nick's earnings so I could go back to school. (Again!) But I am frustrated.
I just sit in the living room and sink deeper and deeper into despair. Am I trying to force something that I should let go? I hope I am not expecting too much from life. I mean, I only get one shot at life, why can't it be more enjoyable? Maybe I am just damaged like my father would tell me. (That probably is more what is behind this. But years of programming by my dad are not easily removed, if ever.)
I have already written one resignation letter to the congregation. Even though I am on "Happy Pills," I still get to the point where I just want to run away from all of this and do something else. It used to be hang out in the woods, now I can add "being a beach bum" to that list.
I keep thinking of the veterinarians who have to deal with animals who do not understand that the treatment is meant to help the animal. The vet keeps working and loving the animal even though the animal is trying to bite. I wish I could be that magnanimous. I am tired of being bitten.
I read in a joke psychology journal an article about "Thanatos Therapy." This is where you, the therapist, get so tired of hearing the patient whine about their life that you agree that life is not worth living just so the patient offs themselves. I don't know if it is me that wants to off myself, or if I want my congregation to off itself so that I can move onto something that could be better.