Perseveration is a term that some may be familiar with (Dr. Spo!) and some may not be familiar. It is defined as "Uncontrollable repetition of a particular response, such as a word, phrase, or gesture, despite the absence or cessation of a stimulus."
What I hate, I get cognitive perseveration, or maybe a more common way to say it is that I tend to ruminate on things. I keep playing scenerios over and over in my head trying to come up with a different or better way to respond to them. I look for where I may have been at fault and then look for ways to change the fault.
And what is the worst part of the whole thing, I can see that this behavior is not normal or beneficial but trying to stop it tends to lead to even more perseveration. It is kind of like telling people to stop thinking of yellow Volkswagen. (Now you all are visualizing a yellow Volkswagen, probably a VW "Bug." And if you weren't imagining the "Bug" before, you are now!) But then there is the worry about trying to stop the whole thing and so on...
Part of the thing that I can see is that, in my eyes, the stimulus has not ceased. It is still open ended. And as long as there is not "closure" (I really HATE that word) to the situation, the possibility of attack is still there.
Then I fall into the unhealthy pit of "being flawed" and "unworthy of." The being flawed is pretty self-explanatory, and the "unworthy of" follows that if I am flawed, then I am unworthy of whatever I may have, be it home, job, partner, or life itself. To see it typed shows how absurd this is, but some of this stuff is beyond logic.
Nick reminds me that we are all flawed as people, but that does not mean we are fatally flawed.
What probably doesn't need to be said, but I will say it anyway, this is an extension of the whole "Ms Diva and Stage Mom" thing.
Seems Stage Mom's mother (Ms Diva's grandmother) went in and had a knee replacement. Supposedly I was told this. For the life of me, I can't remember it! So now I am the big meany 'cause I didn't go visit or pray for Stage Grandma.
Of course, Stage Grandma told me that it was ok becuse the former priest prayed for her. (Now, this former priest was the person that Stage Mom said didn't give any pastoral care for the past four years!) I just wish people would grow up.
Are we destined to be perpetual children?