Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Family Homophobia

Well, my charmed homo existence has come to an end.

I seemed to have had the family that most dream of. I came out to them with little or no repercussions. Nick and I went to stay at my parents' house last summer and were allowed to stay in the room in the basement with no problems. As I said, I seemed to have the dream coming out.

But all of that seems to have changed.

I called my oldest sister to discuss a possible wedding since Iowa is more enlightened than the rest of the country, and since my family lives there, I thought it would be nice to share this my family. She seemed strangely distant when I told her but I didn't really put much more thought into it. My sister has always been supportive of me and has always been kind to Nick.

Then the next day, I got a call from my sister. She told me that she thought if I got married, it would kill my dad. That I would be upset when no one showed up at the wedding. And how dare I come there, stir things up, and then leave her to deal with the aftermath.

My sister had never made me feel ashamed before. But at that moment, I was devastated. I was not trying to rabble rouse, I just wanted to share a wonderful part of my life with my family. Was she implying that I should wait until Dad died? I know that people can't hurt us unless we let them, but that really hurt me. I trusted my sister. I feel possibly irreparable damage has been done to our relationship.

I really want to just cut my family off and go on with my life. I know that is not healthy, but ...

My sister married a guy who was a drug addict and was cheating on her. She now lives with a guy even though she claims to be Roman Catholic.

My brother is married to "the nicest manipulative bitch" I have ever met. She does nothing to raise the kids because she is off partying. She won't even visit my parents when my brother comes over.

My other sister married an abusive alcoholic who committed suicide. Then married another good old boy who made us delay the wedding so he could finish his beer.

And me wanting to marry the man I love would kill my father? Oy Vey!


Jay said...

My next door neighbor said that there were 6 billion people in the world and when you find one that is not nice just leave them and go on to someone else. At least now you know. But perhaps you should ask your father. I have basically let my family out of my life and I like it like that.

Urspo said...

how awful.
I think you two should go ahead and get married, tell everyone, and invite them cordially, and if they don't come that is their loss.

Lemuel said...

I am so sad to read this! I recall earlier posts in which you commented that it appeared that your family had accepted you for who you were as well as Nick. None of us know your family as well as you do so we cannot make a decision for you. I tend to side with Ur-spo, though. That if it is important to you and Nick to get married and can do it, do so. Invite others to share your joy. If they cannot, it is their loss. I am on the flip side of a distantly similar situation. Later this summer one of my sons is getting married (straight). Skipping details, I will only state that I am not thrilled for a variety of reasons. Yet I will participate as I can and I will wish him much happiness.

AjohnP said...

I agree with the folks who commented above me.
Go to Iowa and get married. Invite your family and they can RSVP just like everyone else, but let them know that your wedding day isn't going to be all about whether or not they attend.
My husband's Dad has some issues with our wedding (mostly because it was being called a wedding) and my husband told him flat out that we wanted him there, but it wasn't going to be all about whether or not he was coming.
He came, had a great time, and all his friends still say it was one of the best wedding they've been to.