Monday, February 16, 2009
The Spector of Depression
Sorry this is a long whine. You may want to click on something else now!
Lately it has been like a shadow that passes by the window that you catch out of the corner of your eye. But more and more, it seems to be hanging around, looking in and trying the door.
I should be happy. I have a great partner who is understanding, helpful, supportive. He loves me and cares about me even when I am not a whole lot of fun to be around. And I do have a job and a church job. In this economy that in and of itself should make me happy. I have a place to live and some critters to push me off the futon.
But my energy level always feels low. (Was the word "level" intentionally palindromic?) I always feel tired no matter how much sleep I get. And I feel eternally edgy. It is at times like this that I hate being around myself. And, of course, that feeling just compounds the other feelings.
Tired, cranky, edgy, unpleasant.
I preach all kinds of high ideals, but incorporating those ideals into my life seems to be an exercise in futility. How pathetic is that, a preacher who will not even pay attention to his own sermons.
I have enough self-awareness to know that most of what I am feeling is, not necessarily inappropriate, but overblown. I know that something else is going on that is blowing these feelings out of proportion. The problem is that fighting these feelings just makes me tired.
I am tired of being tired.