Monday, November 17, 2008

Found It!

I have finally been able to place my finger on why this whole thing of two days ago would not leave me. It is one of those "deep seated" things that goes back many, many years.

The feeling is like the feeling of when I was a kid and I was being taunted by a neighbor. I tried to not give in, but the taunting was relentless. I finally was provoked to lash out at the kid. But all the neighbor did was laugh. As I tried to make the pain stop, it just continued. And worse, my efforts to stop the pain just caused the pain to increase.

That whole combination of feeling pain, feeling defenseless, and feeling like anything you did to relieve the pain was just going to make the pain worse is totally crazy-making.

My sister was also an expert at this skill. She would taunt me and then laugh. I would feel as if my pain was, if not unfounded, then over stated. That feeling of helplessness is devastating.


Lemuel said...

That is an interesting insight into your feelings. It is also a terrible, but truthful testament to the cruelty of people. No one knows that pain unless they themselves have been subjected to it. It is a horrible feeling of helpless frustration.

Ur-spo said...

perhaps sometimes the best response is a good slap?

Steve said...

I'm with Ur-spo.

One rare memory of "not taking it anymore" was when I had just grown my beard, back in high school, and a group of 4 guys at a weekend conference decided to come into my room to see what a bottle of Nair cream hair remover would do to it. Now, I have never been an athletic guy at all - but that day, in utter panic, I managed to tear one leg free from one of my attackers and kick him.


Where it hurt.

Turns out I ruptured his testicle. He went down like a load of bricks, and they took him to a hospital. I remember the advisor asking me, "Do you feel sorry for what you've done?", and saying, "Yes...I'm sorry I didn't rupture them both. And I'm sorry I didn't get to kick the other three in the exact same spot."

(Not the answer he was looking for.)

I got in a hell of a lot of trouble for it, and I can still feel the satisfaction of watching him go down.

No one ever bothered to try the Nair thing on me again, btw.

(I don't recommend this solution for the workplace, however.)