Well, faithful readers, your host is getting tired.
Between not finding a job, not having a job, and not having the money in my account to pay the bills, and my back hurting every time I move, I am really losing any desire to go on.
Would the world notice if I were not here?
I don't know if this is a cry for help or just a statement of fact. Maybe both. I want to be rescued. I want to just have this all go away. I feel like I have nothing to give that anyone in the world wants.
I apologize to Nick in writing this. He has done his best to be supportive and loving. Sometimes neurochemistry just is more powerful.
Besides Nick - in whom I think you might find your reason for life - there is me. I would notice if you were not here. I would be less. I am sure there are others for who your life brings enrichment to their lives.
If this is medical or emotional, seek help, Ben! If not for yourself, then for Nick - and for us.
There's a song out there in the pop world. I am not sure what it's correct title is but part of the lyric goes something like this:
"Here's a riddle for you... There's a reason for the world: you and I". Perhaps it would be a good song for you and Nick to listen to.
I believe that all we experience, especially the shit, is to make us of some earthly good. Otherwise, we'd be of no earthly or heavenly good. We do not get to pick to whom we get to be of help or when; the Spirit determines that. Your need for help from others now is a reminder that at another time, others will need help from you.
First, make sure you are safe, and if you are not, seek those who can keep you safe.
Clearly you rely on Nick for "positive energy". Make sure that when you are unable to return that necessary energy that there is a community in which Nick is able to receive it and the support he needs. I don't know your and his degree of "out", but it would need to be in a place where masks do not need to be worn.
Peace of Christ
churchill said that when you realize you are in hell, you keep going until you no longer are in hell.
Hang in there.
Be not afraid.
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